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A new journal. Why? Because the old one... Well, the old one, near the end, was one in which I only wrote for one person, as much as I tried to pretend not to. But with that person gone... I can't write 'for' her anymore.
Not to say that I didn't appreciate the comments here and there by the others, but it had become my 'main' reason for it.
So this is an actual journal. A journal where I will write things about my life, a bit like I used to. Because, why not?
So, here we go.
Been having major insomnia lately, feeling a mix between 'exhausted' and 'tired' nearly all the time. Trying to work on fixing that by giving myself a strict sleep schedule, no more naps during the day, and tonight, I'm going to sleep at 10pm or so. My insomnia was literally so bad that I went to the hospital for it... They gave me some pills, but those pills are kind of 'meh' as far as their effect goes. I assume that they help me to fall asleep, but they don't help me to 'stay' asleep.
I got what I assume to be 5 hours of sleep tonight. Regardless of how tired I am today, I'm staying up until 10pm or so, then going to sleep. if I can keep doing that, things will go back to normal, right? I had/have reached a point where sleep is such a source of stress and anxiety that I feel my inability to sleep properly is a vicious cyle. Fuck up sleep -> Get anxious about being able to sleep -> Fuck up sleep further -> Get more anxious -> OH GOD CAN'T SLEEEEEP *Stresses out*
... Yeah.
In other news... I know that this is no more a journal for 'her' but I'm starting to handle the feeling of loss at her not being there better than I was. At least, I don't feel that deep, sinking feeling in my chest every time I see the slightest thing that reminds me of her. Although there will always be a bit of a sink, just not a deep, crippling one. I miss her though, I miss her dearly. Before she left, I asked her if she could write me physical letters... She said it might be difficult, but that she'd try. I'm clinging to that hope, I want a letter, any letter. It would bring such joy to my life... So I'm holding onto it.
So, something else! I recently played and completed the entirety of Bioshock Infinite in 1999 mode (the game's 'super hard' mode), as well as getting all of the achievements. Quite a good game, but thinking back on it, I think I preferred the original Bioshock for the impact it had on me. The story wasn't as 'deep' (although some people would use 'pretentious' when referring to the Infinite ending, but screw them) but the impact it made on me seemed... Deeper, especially the scene with Andrew Ryan, you know the one. Technically standing though, and gameplay wise, Bioshock Infinite is a far better game, but impact wise, it failed just short of the original. I'd still give the bugger a 10/10 though, I had a blast with the game.
Life marches on. In September, I want to see about returning to school. I plan to go part time, hell, only at night... But having a high school diploma would definitely be a good thing. Then I might just lie on my resume (the actual thing would be way too empty for my age) and try to find a job, I'm thinking I'd do any job at this point. Except maybe McDonalds... I feel that working at McDonalds is a mentally demeaning job for some reason, I just can't stand it. Preferably, I don't want something that requires 'hard labor' like lifting heavy shit and the like, but I know I'm most likely not getting something that'll allow me to sit on my ass all day. We'll see.
Not to say that I didn't appreciate the comments here and there by the others, but it had become my 'main' reason for it.
So this is an actual journal. A journal where I will write things about my life, a bit like I used to. Because, why not?
So, here we go.
Been having major insomnia lately, feeling a mix between 'exhausted' and 'tired' nearly all the time. Trying to work on fixing that by giving myself a strict sleep schedule, no more naps during the day, and tonight, I'm going to sleep at 10pm or so. My insomnia was literally so bad that I went to the hospital for it... They gave me some pills, but those pills are kind of 'meh' as far as their effect goes. I assume that they help me to fall asleep, but they don't help me to 'stay' asleep.
I got what I assume to be 5 hours of sleep tonight. Regardless of how tired I am today, I'm staying up until 10pm or so, then going to sleep. if I can keep doing that, things will go back to normal, right? I had/have reached a point where sleep is such a source of stress and anxiety that I feel my inability to sleep properly is a vicious cyle. Fuck up sleep -> Get anxious about being able to sleep -> Fuck up sleep further -> Get more anxious -> OH GOD CAN'T SLEEEEEP *Stresses out*
... Yeah.
In other news... I know that this is no more a journal for 'her' but I'm starting to handle the feeling of loss at her not being there better than I was. At least, I don't feel that deep, sinking feeling in my chest every time I see the slightest thing that reminds me of her. Although there will always be a bit of a sink, just not a deep, crippling one. I miss her though, I miss her dearly. Before she left, I asked her if she could write me physical letters... She said it might be difficult, but that she'd try. I'm clinging to that hope, I want a letter, any letter. It would bring such joy to my life... So I'm holding onto it.
So, something else! I recently played and completed the entirety of Bioshock Infinite in 1999 mode (the game's 'super hard' mode), as well as getting all of the achievements. Quite a good game, but thinking back on it, I think I preferred the original Bioshock for the impact it had on me. The story wasn't as 'deep' (although some people would use 'pretentious' when referring to the Infinite ending, but screw them) but the impact it made on me seemed... Deeper, especially the scene with Andrew Ryan, you know the one. Technically standing though, and gameplay wise, Bioshock Infinite is a far better game, but impact wise, it failed just short of the original. I'd still give the bugger a 10/10 though, I had a blast with the game.
Life marches on. In September, I want to see about returning to school. I plan to go part time, hell, only at night... But having a high school diploma would definitely be a good thing. Then I might just lie on my resume (the actual thing would be way too empty for my age) and try to find a job, I'm thinking I'd do any job at this point. Except maybe McDonalds... I feel that working at McDonalds is a mentally demeaning job for some reason, I just can't stand it. Preferably, I don't want something that requires 'hard labor' like lifting heavy shit and the like, but I know I'm most likely not getting something that'll allow me to sit on my ass all day. We'll see.
