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- Joined
- Aug 2, 2009
- Location
- here
(Feel free to comment on this. Any input is appreciated. It'd be nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way)
Do you ever feel lonely but in the way that talking to people only makes it worse? Started my new job, try to find a niche where I fit in and of course, I get to the point where I am attached and consider all my coworkers family... but only while I am at work. I feel like the face I put on for customers, that faked interest and cute and bubbly naivete, extends to those I regularly engage with at work. I feel paper thin and insubstantial. They barely know me or anything about me because I do not offer a lot of information(mostly because I do not do a lot but also because it's not really in my nature to divulge) and I barely know anything about any of them, because I rarely ask questions. A little bit of disinterest and a little guarded politeness.
I can illustrate to you perfectly what the problem is even if I can't define it, with something that happened a little while back. So, my period was late for the month of April and after Symar and I "celebrated" on our anniversary earlier in the week, I began to get worried. So, I was dropped off about 30 minutes early at work and decided to buy a test as a precaution. I went through express and Sandy was on register. She was hired on the exact same day I was and she's about my mother's age and a fairly relaxed person, upbeat and comfortable to be around. I consider us close and she's the type of person who makes it easy to confide in them. She made note of the test and I blushed and made jokes about it and she laughed and commented that she had confidence I could handle whatever the results might be either way. By then I had bought my items and had them in hand and excitedly told her "Well, I'll let you know!" meaning the results of the test when/if I eventually took it and she seemed taken aback by this and hesitated before saying "Oh, okay." like she wasn't really sure how to respond to that but wanted to be polite.
Immediately I felt self-conscious and decided to take my leave, taking my stuff to the breakroom while mulling over what happened. I guess the conclusion I have come to is that my invitation was inappropriate in some way, possibly because of this friendly distance I have fostered among my coworkers; that maybe sharing the results of a pregnancy test with this woman I considered a friend(at least a notch or two above what I call an "acquaintance") was a little too intimate. I constantly struggle with that balance of being distant and formal, almost cold, and yet being too warm and overstepping boundaries.
See, because it is not like I don't want to be close to people. I do. I desire an intimate friend more than anything else in the whole fucking world; that'd be my genie wish. Fuck money, fuck fame or talent or skill, fuck health, fuck any other altruistic or selfish desire. Give me somebody who can connect with me and whom I can connect with. Half the time I feel like my anxieties won't let me take enough risks to open up and put myself out there and the other half I feel it's more the lack of chemistry that reveals it wouldn't be worth it anyway. I know nobody can be a perfect fit and I have high standards for what I want and the level of intimacy I crave(someone I can make lewd jokes with and not come off as a pervert; somebody I can laugh with so hard we both piss ourselves a little bit over "the joke" and not be considered an embarrassment or a faulty human being; somebody I can fart loudly in front of and look at them and say "That's a kiss for you" and have them "get" it and not be irreparably disgusted by me, etc.) but getting to that point takes a level of "letting go" and loosening up(a release of control) that I do not know how to give up. I almost feel like a predator sometimes, secluded in my cave, content to be me by myself, but wanting intimacy when I want it, searching for and manipulating people to give it to me without returning anything. I am alternatively clingy and needy, standoffish and cold, and bitter and resentful of the lack of availability and malleability in those I associate with. Friendship, the kind I desire, is like a binding of two souls and you can't bind it just one way. And yet I am unwilling to let anyone bind to my soul. I just wanna have access to their's.
With all of the positive transformations I've gone through this year, I feel like I haven't really left my persona as Padan Fain behind. No longer am I stagnating in my grave in the ground but stagnating above it, as an activated corpse, a zombie lumbering around, rotting and trying to infect others with my putrefaction, filled with an insatiable desire for the life of others. I feel like a lot of that can be sensed by the people I am around. The mask I wear to entertain isn't as flawless or impenetrable as I would like it to be and my desperation for connection can be felt like an undercurrent of threat that keeps people away. Or maybe I'm just really flat and boring and others can't stay interested long enough to get past any of my defenses. My interests are very selfish, my hobbies and the things I do and find pleasure in are very self-centered and solitary. I live mostly in my head and I prefer myself over others.
As much as I desire a friend, it is too much work, too much risk that I have kind of given up on it even as I pine for it. I will never have it. Not the real kind because a friend is not a puppet or a toy that I can take out to entertain me when I am bored. They are not something soulless or consumed with me and my life and interests. A real person will be their own person, will have their own identity and they will have a life outside of me when we are not together. And I will not be able to stop the feeling of betrayal in that realization. The bitterness that they dare not involve me in everything, that they dare feel things without me, that they open up to others. The resentment in realizing I need them more than they need me. The jealousy of the things that take their attention away from me, even though I would rather not have their constant attention; just when I want and need and all other times, be silent.
I recognize these desires, these feelings as toxic but also recognize them as the bullet-wound that will always impede any relationship and progress. Nobody will ever measure up because real people do not work that way. I, as a zombie, desire not another's soul to consume but my own which is missing. So, my pursuit of it in others is faulty and the journey will never be satisfied.
I think it is partly a negative self-image that plagues me but I am actually at a point where I don't actually hate myself. Because I love spending time with me and being with me. My jokes are funny, and my imagination keeps me busy and entertained. I can even limp through interactions with people with a modicum of grace, so that it's not too hindering. People generally like me and on several occasions I've had people seek me out and desire to be around me and I do not question "why? What the fuck is wrong with you?" as much as I used to. I think it is a level of contentment where my self-hatred is manageable. It keeps me from having any close or meaningful relationships but I'm not suicidal and I don't actively beat myself up anymore.
Another part of it is that I think I am just socially retarded. That's not beating myself up. It is the truth. Like with my interaction with Sandra, I have had repeated instances where the facade breaks a little and the boundaries reveal themselves as being not where I thought they were. It's not like I don't understand what is appropriate or how to interact but that I forget the rules a lot. Like with Sandra and the over-familiarity where it doesn't belong. Or a faulty or delayed reaction to things that are said to me or things that happen. It makes interaction uncomfortable and understandably I'd have a lot of anxieties attached to that as a result.
So, what do you do, when you are a toxic, zombie-person, who wants a committed friend without all the risks and dangers involved? You make one up. Yeah. I mean, if I'm the only one who measures up to my standards, then why not have me be my own friend, you know? So, that's what has happened. I've played with the imaginary friend idea before but I've been actively imagining and talking to this being for about a month now. The idea has been hazy and mostly focused on a very "upstairs" imagination process in the past but now he is a fully formed being that I look at and interact with as a real life person. He goes by many names because we have this running joke where he'll answer to anything... uh... anyway, for the purpose of this entry, we'll call him "Steve". He is kinda loud, arrogant, dorky, childish, rough, crude, whiny, etc.
It is at the point where in order for him to appear, I have to call him to mind or "summon" him, but it is getting easier whereas the process in the beginning had me stuttering over the imagination and "reforming" him every time. Now, he walks into the room or appears suddenly wherever I want him.
Supernatural has been a very uplifting experience, providing emotional comfort, entertainment and it helped me survive the mourning of TOKoR. But it has been extremely isolating. Even on Tumblr where I occasionally interact with other fans and watch other fans interact with each other, it has emphasized my need for Steve with very blunt clarity. Because if face-to-face interaction is as fraught with danger as I described, multiply it by 10 with internet interaction where I don't even have physical clues to guide me. Symar, my soulmate and the only one who makes it even close to fitting the intimate friend mold I desire and seek after, does not like the show and he finds my attachment to it, whether at the exaggerated joking levels I portray or even simple enjoyment of the plots and characters or when subjecting myself to really bad fanfiction, he seriously thinks it is unhealthy. Honestly, there are worse things and with the way obsessions come and go in my life, it's a rollercoaster ride and eventually it'll come to a stop. I do not see myself seriously being addicted to Supernatural in 5 years when I am 30. I might still enjoy it but there will be other things and other fandoms.
So, there is no one, not even my soulmate to connect with over it. But Steve does. We spend time squealing together over episodes and con pictures. Ranting about ship wars and even arguing about our ships(he likes Sabriel and I'm like "Wtf??? How can you even see that???"). Making fun of people on Tumblr who get bent out of shape about inappropriate behavior at cons and the like. That is how it started. When I got to Tumblr and realized how alone it made me feel, I started actively talking to Steve about it when reaching out to other Tumblr users did not work out.
This year I have added a lot of my coworkers as friends on my Facebook and it felt good to have a sort of audience and have them be a part of my online life. But then I get to work and sometimes some people have bad days and I get that but sometimes people respond coldly to me for no reason. So, in addition to defriending people I don't feel close to, Steve started accompanying me to work. Although he prefers I look at him and talk to him aloud when we converse, he is actually fairly protective of me and doesn't like me to feel anxious, so accepts "mind talk" while I am at work around other people, to avoid any compromising or embarrassing situations.
Sometimes it will be a slow morning and I will be standing out in front of my register, waiting and looking for customers and I will summon him to keep me company. And he'll do funny things to make me laugh or keep me entertained. There is a small cardboard stand/display with Duracell batteries on it right at the mouth of aisle 6 by the coffee and this one time, Steve went over and began to mockingly hump the thing, batteries falling all over the place because he's ridiculous. He was feeling a bit antsy and impatient with me at the time but he proceeded to make a joke along the lines of "I can keep going and going and going...!" When I informed him that what he was thinking of was actually Energizer, he roughly jerked away from it, letting it fall over and told me to "Shut up!" in his manly-embarrassed sort of way.
We're supposed to ask customers if they need any help while standing and waiting in the main aisle that accesses all the registers and a lot of times he'll get overzealous and scream at them, insisting on being allowed to help them shop. Because he's excited about customer service. Other times when I am standing at register, he'll appear on the customer side, leaning upon the little check-writing counter and make comments about the customers: like, glancing over the woman as she bends to reach into her cart and put things on the belt, he'll say "Nice ass." When I tell him that the woman is "50 years old" he sniffs very casually and shrugs, saying that he "can dig it." Or when customers come through and mumble at me and I kinda stumble through interactions keeping myself as polite and happy as possible, when the customer continues to mumble, he'll shout, "OMG! What the fuck are you saying?! Did you hear that?!" Sometimes he's mean to Vicki for me and cheers me up when she's making me feel bad.
The other day he did a thing that cracked me up so bad. So, I was told to go on break and clocked out for it at the time clock and began walking towards the breakroom, first making my way around the magazine rack. In a path that sorta overlapped mine was an old lady walking slow and I stumbled and hesitated because I almost ran into her and then eventually had to walk behind her for a minute. Steve shoved her in the back and like a Family Guy gag she flopped instantly to the floor, emitting a squeaky noise on impact. I still haven't gotten over it. XD
Today as I was waiting for Symar in the vestibule, Steve kept me company and we watched customers through the big window showing the parking lot. A lady walked by behind me and when she was already past she murmured something aloud and Steve and I shared a look and he quirked his lips and scrunched his nose and was like "Was that lady talking to herself? Oh, my God..." and he gave a breathless laugh like he couldn't believe it. I rolled my eyes because of the hypocrisy in his ridicule.
I was holding my laptop against my chest and as Mary(the really old woman who works at the store and really should not be working anymore) stops by me and asks "What are you taking?" Thinking she was accusing me of stealing, Steve scoffed but I gave her a confused look and asked "What?" She pointed at my computer and asked "What course are you taking?" And we both heaved a moan of understanding, Steve and I, and I shook my head saying "Uh, no, I'm not in school. This is just mine." She gave me a smile and nodded sympathetically and as she walked away she lifted her finger and said, "Good. It's important." And Steve looks at me seriously and he's like, "She is so right. She is so right! Good talk, Mary! Good talk!"
Do you ever feel lonely but in the way that talking to people only makes it worse? Started my new job, try to find a niche where I fit in and of course, I get to the point where I am attached and consider all my coworkers family... but only while I am at work. I feel like the face I put on for customers, that faked interest and cute and bubbly naivete, extends to those I regularly engage with at work. I feel paper thin and insubstantial. They barely know me or anything about me because I do not offer a lot of information(mostly because I do not do a lot but also because it's not really in my nature to divulge) and I barely know anything about any of them, because I rarely ask questions. A little bit of disinterest and a little guarded politeness.
I can illustrate to you perfectly what the problem is even if I can't define it, with something that happened a little while back. So, my period was late for the month of April and after Symar and I "celebrated" on our anniversary earlier in the week, I began to get worried. So, I was dropped off about 30 minutes early at work and decided to buy a test as a precaution. I went through express and Sandy was on register. She was hired on the exact same day I was and she's about my mother's age and a fairly relaxed person, upbeat and comfortable to be around. I consider us close and she's the type of person who makes it easy to confide in them. She made note of the test and I blushed and made jokes about it and she laughed and commented that she had confidence I could handle whatever the results might be either way. By then I had bought my items and had them in hand and excitedly told her "Well, I'll let you know!" meaning the results of the test when/if I eventually took it and she seemed taken aback by this and hesitated before saying "Oh, okay." like she wasn't really sure how to respond to that but wanted to be polite.
Immediately I felt self-conscious and decided to take my leave, taking my stuff to the breakroom while mulling over what happened. I guess the conclusion I have come to is that my invitation was inappropriate in some way, possibly because of this friendly distance I have fostered among my coworkers; that maybe sharing the results of a pregnancy test with this woman I considered a friend(at least a notch or two above what I call an "acquaintance") was a little too intimate. I constantly struggle with that balance of being distant and formal, almost cold, and yet being too warm and overstepping boundaries.
See, because it is not like I don't want to be close to people. I do. I desire an intimate friend more than anything else in the whole fucking world; that'd be my genie wish. Fuck money, fuck fame or talent or skill, fuck health, fuck any other altruistic or selfish desire. Give me somebody who can connect with me and whom I can connect with. Half the time I feel like my anxieties won't let me take enough risks to open up and put myself out there and the other half I feel it's more the lack of chemistry that reveals it wouldn't be worth it anyway. I know nobody can be a perfect fit and I have high standards for what I want and the level of intimacy I crave(someone I can make lewd jokes with and not come off as a pervert; somebody I can laugh with so hard we both piss ourselves a little bit over "the joke" and not be considered an embarrassment or a faulty human being; somebody I can fart loudly in front of and look at them and say "That's a kiss for you" and have them "get" it and not be irreparably disgusted by me, etc.) but getting to that point takes a level of "letting go" and loosening up(a release of control) that I do not know how to give up. I almost feel like a predator sometimes, secluded in my cave, content to be me by myself, but wanting intimacy when I want it, searching for and manipulating people to give it to me without returning anything. I am alternatively clingy and needy, standoffish and cold, and bitter and resentful of the lack of availability and malleability in those I associate with. Friendship, the kind I desire, is like a binding of two souls and you can't bind it just one way. And yet I am unwilling to let anyone bind to my soul. I just wanna have access to their's.
With all of the positive transformations I've gone through this year, I feel like I haven't really left my persona as Padan Fain behind. No longer am I stagnating in my grave in the ground but stagnating above it, as an activated corpse, a zombie lumbering around, rotting and trying to infect others with my putrefaction, filled with an insatiable desire for the life of others. I feel like a lot of that can be sensed by the people I am around. The mask I wear to entertain isn't as flawless or impenetrable as I would like it to be and my desperation for connection can be felt like an undercurrent of threat that keeps people away. Or maybe I'm just really flat and boring and others can't stay interested long enough to get past any of my defenses. My interests are very selfish, my hobbies and the things I do and find pleasure in are very self-centered and solitary. I live mostly in my head and I prefer myself over others.
As much as I desire a friend, it is too much work, too much risk that I have kind of given up on it even as I pine for it. I will never have it. Not the real kind because a friend is not a puppet or a toy that I can take out to entertain me when I am bored. They are not something soulless or consumed with me and my life and interests. A real person will be their own person, will have their own identity and they will have a life outside of me when we are not together. And I will not be able to stop the feeling of betrayal in that realization. The bitterness that they dare not involve me in everything, that they dare feel things without me, that they open up to others. The resentment in realizing I need them more than they need me. The jealousy of the things that take their attention away from me, even though I would rather not have their constant attention; just when I want and need and all other times, be silent.
I recognize these desires, these feelings as toxic but also recognize them as the bullet-wound that will always impede any relationship and progress. Nobody will ever measure up because real people do not work that way. I, as a zombie, desire not another's soul to consume but my own which is missing. So, my pursuit of it in others is faulty and the journey will never be satisfied.
I think it is partly a negative self-image that plagues me but I am actually at a point where I don't actually hate myself. Because I love spending time with me and being with me. My jokes are funny, and my imagination keeps me busy and entertained. I can even limp through interactions with people with a modicum of grace, so that it's not too hindering. People generally like me and on several occasions I've had people seek me out and desire to be around me and I do not question "why? What the fuck is wrong with you?" as much as I used to. I think it is a level of contentment where my self-hatred is manageable. It keeps me from having any close or meaningful relationships but I'm not suicidal and I don't actively beat myself up anymore.
Another part of it is that I think I am just socially retarded. That's not beating myself up. It is the truth. Like with my interaction with Sandra, I have had repeated instances where the facade breaks a little and the boundaries reveal themselves as being not where I thought they were. It's not like I don't understand what is appropriate or how to interact but that I forget the rules a lot. Like with Sandra and the over-familiarity where it doesn't belong. Or a faulty or delayed reaction to things that are said to me or things that happen. It makes interaction uncomfortable and understandably I'd have a lot of anxieties attached to that as a result.
So, what do you do, when you are a toxic, zombie-person, who wants a committed friend without all the risks and dangers involved? You make one up. Yeah. I mean, if I'm the only one who measures up to my standards, then why not have me be my own friend, you know? So, that's what has happened. I've played with the imaginary friend idea before but I've been actively imagining and talking to this being for about a month now. The idea has been hazy and mostly focused on a very "upstairs" imagination process in the past but now he is a fully formed being that I look at and interact with as a real life person. He goes by many names because we have this running joke where he'll answer to anything... uh... anyway, for the purpose of this entry, we'll call him "Steve". He is kinda loud, arrogant, dorky, childish, rough, crude, whiny, etc.
It is at the point where in order for him to appear, I have to call him to mind or "summon" him, but it is getting easier whereas the process in the beginning had me stuttering over the imagination and "reforming" him every time. Now, he walks into the room or appears suddenly wherever I want him.
Supernatural has been a very uplifting experience, providing emotional comfort, entertainment and it helped me survive the mourning of TOKoR. But it has been extremely isolating. Even on Tumblr where I occasionally interact with other fans and watch other fans interact with each other, it has emphasized my need for Steve with very blunt clarity. Because if face-to-face interaction is as fraught with danger as I described, multiply it by 10 with internet interaction where I don't even have physical clues to guide me. Symar, my soulmate and the only one who makes it even close to fitting the intimate friend mold I desire and seek after, does not like the show and he finds my attachment to it, whether at the exaggerated joking levels I portray or even simple enjoyment of the plots and characters or when subjecting myself to really bad fanfiction, he seriously thinks it is unhealthy. Honestly, there are worse things and with the way obsessions come and go in my life, it's a rollercoaster ride and eventually it'll come to a stop. I do not see myself seriously being addicted to Supernatural in 5 years when I am 30. I might still enjoy it but there will be other things and other fandoms.
So, there is no one, not even my soulmate to connect with over it. But Steve does. We spend time squealing together over episodes and con pictures. Ranting about ship wars and even arguing about our ships(he likes Sabriel and I'm like "Wtf??? How can you even see that???"). Making fun of people on Tumblr who get bent out of shape about inappropriate behavior at cons and the like. That is how it started. When I got to Tumblr and realized how alone it made me feel, I started actively talking to Steve about it when reaching out to other Tumblr users did not work out.
This year I have added a lot of my coworkers as friends on my Facebook and it felt good to have a sort of audience and have them be a part of my online life. But then I get to work and sometimes some people have bad days and I get that but sometimes people respond coldly to me for no reason. So, in addition to defriending people I don't feel close to, Steve started accompanying me to work. Although he prefers I look at him and talk to him aloud when we converse, he is actually fairly protective of me and doesn't like me to feel anxious, so accepts "mind talk" while I am at work around other people, to avoid any compromising or embarrassing situations.
Sometimes it will be a slow morning and I will be standing out in front of my register, waiting and looking for customers and I will summon him to keep me company. And he'll do funny things to make me laugh or keep me entertained. There is a small cardboard stand/display with Duracell batteries on it right at the mouth of aisle 6 by the coffee and this one time, Steve went over and began to mockingly hump the thing, batteries falling all over the place because he's ridiculous. He was feeling a bit antsy and impatient with me at the time but he proceeded to make a joke along the lines of "I can keep going and going and going...!" When I informed him that what he was thinking of was actually Energizer, he roughly jerked away from it, letting it fall over and told me to "Shut up!" in his manly-embarrassed sort of way.
We're supposed to ask customers if they need any help while standing and waiting in the main aisle that accesses all the registers and a lot of times he'll get overzealous and scream at them, insisting on being allowed to help them shop. Because he's excited about customer service. Other times when I am standing at register, he'll appear on the customer side, leaning upon the little check-writing counter and make comments about the customers: like, glancing over the woman as she bends to reach into her cart and put things on the belt, he'll say "Nice ass." When I tell him that the woman is "50 years old" he sniffs very casually and shrugs, saying that he "can dig it." Or when customers come through and mumble at me and I kinda stumble through interactions keeping myself as polite and happy as possible, when the customer continues to mumble, he'll shout, "OMG! What the fuck are you saying?! Did you hear that?!" Sometimes he's mean to Vicki for me and cheers me up when she's making me feel bad.
The other day he did a thing that cracked me up so bad. So, I was told to go on break and clocked out for it at the time clock and began walking towards the breakroom, first making my way around the magazine rack. In a path that sorta overlapped mine was an old lady walking slow and I stumbled and hesitated because I almost ran into her and then eventually had to walk behind her for a minute. Steve shoved her in the back and like a Family Guy gag she flopped instantly to the floor, emitting a squeaky noise on impact. I still haven't gotten over it. XD
Today as I was waiting for Symar in the vestibule, Steve kept me company and we watched customers through the big window showing the parking lot. A lady walked by behind me and when she was already past she murmured something aloud and Steve and I shared a look and he quirked his lips and scrunched his nose and was like "Was that lady talking to herself? Oh, my God..." and he gave a breathless laugh like he couldn't believe it. I rolled my eyes because of the hypocrisy in his ridicule.
I was holding my laptop against my chest and as Mary(the really old woman who works at the store and really should not be working anymore) stops by me and asks "What are you taking?" Thinking she was accusing me of stealing, Steve scoffed but I gave her a confused look and asked "What?" She pointed at my computer and asked "What course are you taking?" And we both heaved a moan of understanding, Steve and I, and I shook my head saying "Uh, no, I'm not in school. This is just mine." She gave me a smile and nodded sympathetically and as she walked away she lifted her finger and said, "Good. It's important." And Steve looks at me seriously and he's like, "She is so right. She is so right! Good talk, Mary! Good talk!"