Alright, so I won't be leaving Blue Moon. Though I do find it to be a bit odd compared to what I have known, I suppose time changes everything. Pretty much all my current roleplays have been dropped. I'm considering looking over a few and continuing them, but I have revamped my request threads to try and find roleplays that actually interest me. You know roleplays with a little bit of plot at least? The kind that aren't completely boring and sex focused? I certainly got inspiration for my roleplay with Raziel. Which is what I want and crave.
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So I figure I should talk about myself a little.
I guess I've been pretty lucky in my life compared to other people. I really am glad for that, but even if you can have the things you want it doesn't stop you from feeling empty and broken and being horribly confused as to why. I mean, what can you say to people when they ask "Why are you so depressed?" and you haven't got the faintest clue. I guess it started in high school, and I know depression can be something that hits everyone, that goes away after time. How do you explain it though, when you can't really understand why you feel bad? During high school I assumed it was because of my friends, who weren't really friends. They never wanted to do anything with me unless I invited them over or I offered to pay for food. When I realized that the people I called friends weren't really friends I cut them loose, and chopped off a good deal of hair too. So for awhile I felt good, but then came the time to go to university. I went to one university and all my friends stayed home and went to a local university, despite that we kept in touch but soon enough things got weird when a friend and her boyfriend went on a "break". He approached me and well, it was weird. I didn't feel comfortable so I said no. The next thing I knew they all cut me off and he got back together with his girlfriend. Considering how it all happened, I'm pretty sure he said something to them even though I wasn't going to say anything. I mean, who am I to open my mouth about that kind of thing?
It's been rather hard making friends on my own. I have made one friend in university and I'm in my second year. I don't leave the house except to go to school or work. I never was comfortable with the idea of going to a bar. I'm a rather shy person, and I'm horrible at dancing. I'm certain that my ability to actually socialize is getting worse. I feel intimidated to the point that I can't even go to class anymore. I still go through the trouble of going to campus, but I hide in remote areas and go online. I'm not good with dealing with people. To be honest, other people terrify me. I don't really know what to think of them. I always wonder what they think of me too. Like I said I've been skipping class, it use to only be one class every three or four weeks, but now, if i go to class it's about once every four weeks, so the complete opposite. I know I'm failing my classes now and I guess it just got worse when I felt bad. I know it doesn't justify it, but about a month ago my family found out my father tried to cheat on my mother with her best friend. The woman said no, but now my mother has lost most of her friends because she only had the one circle of friends. My father was kicked out of the house the same day, and two days later we found out he suffers from depression. It was always something I thought he might suffer from. Though I always thought he was sick. He never hit me, not once, but there was always that fear. He use to yell so much, and certainly yelling is normal and I know that, but it's hard to explain, he'd get really close to me and when I would put my hands on his chest to move him away he'd raise his hand like he was going to hit me. I was really scared, and even when I told him he would tell me that I was being dramatic. Perhaps I was, but I suppose it's hard to explain the feelings I got whenever he started off on me.
I remember telling my mother once that I was depressed and needed help. I felt scared of my father and scared of myself. Only now does she seem to care, now that he was told he suffered from depression, only after he tried to cheat on her, only after he went to the hospital for his depression. Not when I told her I needed help. I suppose its nice to know she does care, but it's always hard to forget how she insisted I was horrible for wanting to make the family become poor because I wanted help. Now she knows there's help out there that barely costs us a thing and she cares. I know money is important, but is it still right to tell someone who asks for help that it's their fault the family might end up on the street because they want help?
Haha, this is awfully long. I guess I'm in a really bad mood. *sigh* Is it normal to lose interest in everything you love? I can't draw any more, I can't write stories, I have a hard time roleplaying and reading. I know it isn't normal to think of suicide as much as I do, but I'm too much of a chicken to even act on that kind of impulse. There's no reason behind my logic, as to why I haven't killed myself. It's scary though, knowing that maybe one day I might just stop caring and do something.
Is it normal to feel broken, but know there isn't really a reason to it?
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