Question/Discussion for Parents or Future Parents--- Kids and Money

[Ms_Muffintops]

I just thought I'd ask here. Let's say you're financially limited... we all are. And there are things your kid wants to do or to have, most likely stemmed from the influence of a friend who's family can afford such things, but it is just financially too much for you.

How would you feel if your kid's friend's parents started buying and paying for these things for your kid?

 

[darkangel76]

I think a lot of factors would very seriously come into play here. First of all, it would depend on the relationship you had with the people who were willing to pay for your child. It would also depend on the stipulations (if any) that were agreed upon for the repayment for these things--example, do you pay them back at a later time, in a lump sum or partial payments, do you pay them back in other ways that might not require money. It would also depend upon the things themselves that were being purchased--example, do you allow for frivolous unnecessary things to be purchased that your child doesn't really need and/or do you allow for things to be paid for that might enrich your child and/or possibly help them down the line (ie, extracurricular activities such as dance, a sport, music lessons, etc).

I think once those are determined, it might be a bit easier to figure out where you'd stand and how comfortable you'd be. I know I wouldn't just take anything from anyone. It would VERY sorely depend on the relationship I held with that person, how much I trusted them and that sort of thing. I also would probably want to be able to do something in return for the kindness. If finances were strained for me and I knew I wouldn't be able to pay them back, I'd probably offer up some other service where possible. For example, I'd offer to watch their kids for them whenever they needed or to help them out when they needed to run errands, something along those lines. Of course, I'd probably still try to find a way to slowly pay them back..... but that is my own personal way of doing things. I'd also NEVER allow anyone--not even family--to buy my kids something overly frivolous. Sure, while young toys and such are one thing, but there will come a point that certain things will just be off limits. Period. And no matter how much they whine, that will be that. And it won't always be a matter of finances either. But I'm starting to digress slightly. So, back on topic. I think if I were close enough to the family my child was friends with and they were willing to assist in something that would help enrich my child's life and/or provide them something that could help them down the line with a skill or something that could be useful in college or for a scholarship or something like that, I think I'd strongly consider it after discussing things with them. And yes, I'd have to discuss things with them. Even still though, it would probably be super hard. But ultimately, it would be for my child and I'd have to exhaust all my options and do all I could do first before doing such things. But, if after all of that, I needed the help and it was truly something that would be beneficial to my child, and I trusted the family and was able to get a sense of EVERYTHING after some very serious discussions, I might be able to be persuaded. But boy. It would be tough. But then, I think it would be for a lot of people. However, when it falls to how the life of your child will go and what opportunities your child can have, you will do what's needed to see it done.

 

[Ms_Muffintops]

I'll use an example then x.x It's just something that doesn't sit well with me personally (but eh, I'm not the caretaker).

We grow up in a community that is about higher middle class in average income. But my family is not.

My nephew seems to be a magnet for "charity". Once he went to stay the night with a friend, my parents relationship with the other parents is... neutral? They don't know them very well. Well, after he came back from his sleep over, he had a full new outfit that his friend's mom had bought him from the mall. He had a shirt, pants, and shoes. She buys him clothing quite often now. My mom is beginning to think she's doing it out of sympathy. It's not like he's lacking clothing. Sure, he isn't the most fashionable, but he isn't lacking.

He and another friend of his decided they wanted to join a swim team. But it costs a decent amount for the lessons, and the gear isn't all too cheap. My mom told him no because it costs a lot of money and he's already in a few activities (band, a youth group, and various sports). So, his friend's parents bought him all of the gear and said they'd pay for them.

Now we're having an issue because now, another friend's parents told him they'd buy him a DS because he said he didn't have one, their kid does, and they want to be able to play a game together.

It just makes me worry that the kid might gain some self entitlement. Maybe make him think that its normal to just get what you want when you want it and have it handed to you. Just because you want it, doesn't mean you should or can have it. Not to sound mean, but we have a lot of spoiled brats in this area, and a lot of the parents are pushovers who will spend every dime on their kid just to make them happy and shut up.

 

[darkangel76]

Ok, see..... this is what I'd deem strange. Like you said, he has the necessities and he's even being provided the extras. It's not like he's being denied. Now, if he had none or what not, that would be an entirely different issue all together. Also, as you said, the relationship between the parents of both parties is neutral. That definitely plays a role and the fact that no discussions were made either is quite strange in my book especially when one can see he is being provided for and given things. I can see how that wouldn't sit well. It wouldn't for me either. That, to me, comes off in rather poor taste on the side of the friend's parents. And I also find it weird that they are broaching into the territory of frivolity with the DS. That is just ridiculous and stepping out of line even more so than they already have.

 

[Ms_Muffintops]

Yeah, my mom doesn't see a problem. My dad has a problem though, and I kind of side with my dad, but it really does seem like a 50/50 thing. On paper its a really nice thing, but at the same time, there's boundaries one has to respect with a kid and also the other reasons for telling a kid no and not giving the kid what they want. You don't want to end up with a spoiled brat.

 

[Hahvoc The Decepticon]

To be honest, they shouldn't be buying him all these things. Little things like maybe a toy? I wouldn't be super worried about but to me that says they think I'm not doing enough for my kid and feel a need to do more for them just because I'm not "giving them enough."

It's really not their decision to give my kid things just because of what they give theirs. It broaches trying to parent my own children.

 

[darkangel76]

My personal thought on it is that they should've asked your parents prior to just the giving..... I get the whole 'being nice' thing. And it's a wonderful thing for those who are in serious need. People like to give and feel good doing it. Just as people like to see their children get things and smile because of it. But....... thing is this. As a parent, we are ultimately the ones responsible and, in cases such as yours, where your brother isn't destitute and is able to get things and even things above and beyond on top of it, then really these people shouldn't be butting in. It might be different if the family was close to yours or something, but, as you yourself said, they are not. And the stranger part is that they didn't discuss this with your parents. If your brother was showing up dirty, blah blah and they got him nice clothes one, maybe two times (and that was it, left it at that), that might be one thing. But to go the extra mile with some of these other things is a bit strange. I would think that if they truly wanted to 'provide', they'd have made it a point to speak to your parents, get to know your family and other such things. Just my thought there. Otherwise it comes off rather weirdly to me. Perhaps it isn't, but I'd want to at least know and would inquire about it and if anyone got my kid such a lavish gift after doing all those other things....? Yeah, I'd be arching a brow.