If You Can't Beat 'em.... Dream About It

[Disco_Lollipop]

(So I'm gonna just write this as it comes along. It's obviously going to be a thing that isn't going to be on a schedule so if you're looking for something finished this isn't it. If you're reading this I hope you enjoy it enough to come back when there's more. If not, I understand.)

I'm not going to start this off with a description of myself. The things that I write here will explain me much better and more honestly than I ever could. Besides, if no one ever reads this, which is possible, pehaps not probable, what would have been the point? "Waste not, want not", I think the saying goes. I also think that I have been kind of a huge flake in past years, and the present, but I've just started to realize it. I've been avoiding doing anything that I think is going to be hard or might be a let down, like getting my life in order. I've made (and broken) several appointments to go on a campus tour for college. Being fresh out of high school ...... 4 years ago, it's understandable that I might not be ready for this decision. Right? I don't want to do something that makes me hate my life. But the joke's on me cause.... I kind of already do.

Hmmm..... perhaps I should take a second to talk about my fear of commitment. It's been my travelling companion for over half my life. Not in the romantic sense in the early years, more along the lines of picking something and sticking to it. Back in the preteen years, it was a mix of boredom and discontent that kept me from seeing things through. But as I grew, it grew too. The fear of failure and dissapointment came. Life taught me that it doesn't matter how much you want something because wanting it doesn't make it yours. I learned to hope for the best but expect the worst.

The trouble with that is the fact that as time went on the balance between hope and expectations shifted and it turns out that I've just become a coward and a cynic who has the misfortune of being a hopeless romantic. I always assume the worst of people, a lovely product of my trust issues, but I love love and it's my quest in life to find it. Sadly, as I do not have a life it is a bit difficult. I have got one friend, who I've seen maybe 6 times in the last year and a half. I also have a boyfriend who treats me well. He loves me. In a way, I love him too. He's kind and generous and thoughtful, when he's not focused on something else. Still, I can only summon up a friendly warmth and a gratitude for being exactly what I needed to show me that I never want to be in a relationship like my last one again.

Also, I love his family. They're not perfect, of course, but it's what I want my own family to look like someday. But first I have to find a husband who I love as much as his mom loves his step father. As much as I hate to say it, it isn't him. I love him in the comfortable way that I imagine happened in most of those practical marriages of the English Aristocracy way back when. I couldn't marry him because I know that I wouldn't be happy and the marriage wouldn't be a good one. Still, it's secure and comfortable. It gives me a link to the world. I'm not just aimlessly floating with nothing to hold me in place. But I know it's unfair. It's not fair of me to let him love me with the fullness of his heart while I'm only giving him a small part of mine. It's not fair of me to let him hope while I know there will never be more. So I have to work on me. I have to fix what is broken in me so that I don't break everyone else.

I don't want to be that girl but the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

 

[Disco_Lollipop]

So, today has been a busy day. I've been flirted with, I've flirted back, I've received gifts, and been asked for a favor from someone who most certainly doesn't deserve for me to do anything for him. So I probably won't. Still, I can't help but feel bad and that's making me consider setting aside my righteous indignation for a moment and do something helpful. I suppose being a good person is about making choices to help others because compassion is more important and worthwhile than anger and revenge. And isn't that the point of life? To become a better person, I mean. Maybe I'm wrong but I feel like that's the big thing. Theoretically I only get one life and some might think that life better spent on selfish pursuits. We have to share this world with billions of other people and if everyone is only out for themselves then we stand little chance of evolving into something more than we currently are. Evolution has been happening since the dawn of time and it would be sad to think that the human race has reached it's cap because we are too selfish and stubborn to secure more for ourselves and our progeny.

Still, I know that I am not perfect either and, as with every cause, I must strive to be the change that I wish to see in the world. So I am making changes, inside of myself. I hope that one day I will be able to radiate that change outward. I want to finish what I'm starting for once. It's going to take a while though. Tiny changes must be made to get the ball rolling and when I've mastered the little things I will move up to harder and harder challenges. I think if I do things in moderation I may be able to stick to it. My main problem has always been jumping in headfirst before I even know if there's water in the pool. Patience hasn't been my strong suit and I need to work on it, among other things. If I'm lucky, I will be able to let my personality shine so brightly that people won't even notice my face.