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AlphaWolfQuin
Pulsar
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2011
- Location
- Rhode Island
Everything feels so damn unreal, sometimes my life feels like a nightmare that I can't wake up from and I know there are people out there that are worse off then me by a lot but that doesn't mean I can't have feelings or reach out for help every now and then, does it? I've never been the type of person to really express myself or talk about the things that hurt me or bother me usually when people ask what's wrong they all get the same answer and that's "I'm Fine". Honestly I've used that lie so many times that I'm starting to believe it myself, I know it's odd because of course I'm not always fine but I've just gotten so used to dealing with bullshit and being hurt in one way or another that I guess being fine to me means that I'm still alive and breathing and nothing more most of the time. Of course there are points when I'm happy but being happy doesn't neccessarily mean that someone is fine, does it? I always have this neverending pain, it's not physical, it's not even something that most people could notice if they tried, it's just a pain, a hurt, that's always with me deep down in the depths of my heart and soul, I don't know how to get rid of it if I did I would but unfortunately some scars just never go away and although not all of my scars are visible they're still there in fact I think it's the scars that people can't see that leave the most lasting affects, the ones that stick, the ones that leave memories that haunt you forever, memories you can't shake no matter how hard you try.
The last few months have taken a hell of a toll on me and just too much shit keeps adding up and adding up, it's enough to drive someone insane in fact I'm honestly surprised I've kept relatively calm through all of the bullshit that I've faced. Honestly sometimes I scare myself with how calm I am with certain things that happen I've seen people flip out and try and kill themselves over less I just don't understand how I am so fucking quiet and calm and how I can still manage a fucking smile at points. I lost a good friend a few months ago and I barely cried it was ripping me apart inside and I wanted to cry but something kept me from doing it and he was one of my best fucking friends and I stayed silent through it all. I couldn't even attend his funeral and I still didn't cry and I feel like a fucking asshole for it, inside I was dying but on the outside I just couldn't show any emotion I mean what the fuck is wrong with me? Any normal person would've cried or at least shown some kind of fucking emotion in a situation like that right? I mean I've never really considered myself normal but I would think that I would be capable of crying just like anyone else when something as tragic as losing a good friend happens especially in the way it did. Of course I miss him and it kills me everyday to know that I can't see him or go onto facebook and talk to him about random things that pop into our minds that no one else will listen to. He was too young and left this world way too fucking soon and while we may have had our differences in the end I still considered him one of my best friends and I miss him a lot and yet I still don't cry over it and I don't know why at all.
Now I have to deal with the fact that the one person in my life that I love that isn't blood related family, the parent of my son is going to be ripped from my fucking life. I've been with this person for five fucking years, that's more then most marriages last now a days, we had a kid together and yeah we fight but we love each other something that is hard to find in my opinion and due to some bullshit they are gonna be fucking ripped away from me and their kid. I mean what do I say when my son is looking for them? What can I tell him? How do you tell a small child that their parent isn't coming home? I honestly don't know how to explain this to a little boy who doesn't know any better, who's innocent and didn't do anything wrong but yet he has to suffer along with a lot of other people in this. It makes me sick to know that people are cruel enough to hurt someone this badly out of pure spite and jealousy. The human race fucking sickens me sometimes, not saying all humans are bad but there are some that deserve to be high fived in the face with a fucking chair.
On another note almost all of my friends can care less how I feel I mean I rarely EVER try and talk about what's bothering me and when I do all I get now a days is "I'm busy" or "Wow that sucks" yeah no shit it sucks if I wanted to get that plain ass fucking answer I would tell my father who I know doesn't give a shit. When I reach out to someone who is supposed to be my best friend I kinda expect more then an "Oh that sucks" I mean am I being selfish? I've always been one to help out anyone who needs it and I've sat for hours with some of my friends talking to them and letting them cry on my shoulder when needed and when I need help or a shoulder to cry on everyone's too busy or just doesn't give a shit. I'm starting to feel like the people I talk to online (WHO I'VE NEVER MET IN PERSON!) care more then people I've known personally for years and that's sad in my opinion no offense to anyone I talk to online at all those of you who have took the time to actually ask what's wrong and even listen to me bitch I appreciate the hell out of that. I just think that the people I've known nearly all my life and that I've physically sat there and held them when they were in tears or on the verge of killing themselves would give a little something in return.
OK so I think I've ranted and bitched enough for tonight, hell I don't even care i I get responses to this whole thing I just really needed to empty a few things from my brain because right now it's filled to the brim and if I don't write or vent somehow I will go crazy. This is just a taste of all the bullshit going on in my life and all the mixed fucking emotions I have right now and I just need to let go somehow, some way and even if no one listens at least I got some of it out of my system by writing it down. I feel a lot better now that I did and I promise not all entries I put in here will be as bad just right now going through a lot and have no one to talk to so I have to turn to my computer and a journal to vent. For those who actually took the time to read this and listen to some random person's issues I thank you.
The last few months have taken a hell of a toll on me and just too much shit keeps adding up and adding up, it's enough to drive someone insane in fact I'm honestly surprised I've kept relatively calm through all of the bullshit that I've faced. Honestly sometimes I scare myself with how calm I am with certain things that happen I've seen people flip out and try and kill themselves over less I just don't understand how I am so fucking quiet and calm and how I can still manage a fucking smile at points. I lost a good friend a few months ago and I barely cried it was ripping me apart inside and I wanted to cry but something kept me from doing it and he was one of my best fucking friends and I stayed silent through it all. I couldn't even attend his funeral and I still didn't cry and I feel like a fucking asshole for it, inside I was dying but on the outside I just couldn't show any emotion I mean what the fuck is wrong with me? Any normal person would've cried or at least shown some kind of fucking emotion in a situation like that right? I mean I've never really considered myself normal but I would think that I would be capable of crying just like anyone else when something as tragic as losing a good friend happens especially in the way it did. Of course I miss him and it kills me everyday to know that I can't see him or go onto facebook and talk to him about random things that pop into our minds that no one else will listen to. He was too young and left this world way too fucking soon and while we may have had our differences in the end I still considered him one of my best friends and I miss him a lot and yet I still don't cry over it and I don't know why at all.
Now I have to deal with the fact that the one person in my life that I love that isn't blood related family, the parent of my son is going to be ripped from my fucking life. I've been with this person for five fucking years, that's more then most marriages last now a days, we had a kid together and yeah we fight but we love each other something that is hard to find in my opinion and due to some bullshit they are gonna be fucking ripped away from me and their kid. I mean what do I say when my son is looking for them? What can I tell him? How do you tell a small child that their parent isn't coming home? I honestly don't know how to explain this to a little boy who doesn't know any better, who's innocent and didn't do anything wrong but yet he has to suffer along with a lot of other people in this. It makes me sick to know that people are cruel enough to hurt someone this badly out of pure spite and jealousy. The human race fucking sickens me sometimes, not saying all humans are bad but there are some that deserve to be high fived in the face with a fucking chair.
On another note almost all of my friends can care less how I feel I mean I rarely EVER try and talk about what's bothering me and when I do all I get now a days is "I'm busy" or "Wow that sucks" yeah no shit it sucks if I wanted to get that plain ass fucking answer I would tell my father who I know doesn't give a shit. When I reach out to someone who is supposed to be my best friend I kinda expect more then an "Oh that sucks" I mean am I being selfish? I've always been one to help out anyone who needs it and I've sat for hours with some of my friends talking to them and letting them cry on my shoulder when needed and when I need help or a shoulder to cry on everyone's too busy or just doesn't give a shit. I'm starting to feel like the people I talk to online (WHO I'VE NEVER MET IN PERSON!) care more then people I've known personally for years and that's sad in my opinion no offense to anyone I talk to online at all those of you who have took the time to actually ask what's wrong and even listen to me bitch I appreciate the hell out of that. I just think that the people I've known nearly all my life and that I've physically sat there and held them when they were in tears or on the verge of killing themselves would give a little something in return.
OK so I think I've ranted and bitched enough for tonight, hell I don't even care i I get responses to this whole thing I just really needed to empty a few things from my brain because right now it's filled to the brim and if I don't write or vent somehow I will go crazy. This is just a taste of all the bullshit going on in my life and all the mixed fucking emotions I have right now and I just need to let go somehow, some way and even if no one listens at least I got some of it out of my system by writing it down. I feel a lot better now that I did and I promise not all entries I put in here will be as bad just right now going through a lot and have no one to talk to so I have to turn to my computer and a journal to vent. For those who actually took the time to read this and listen to some random person's issues I thank you.
