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An Opinion Question

Agnores

Agnores

Star
Joined
May 15, 2012
Location
Arkansas
This question is something I have wondered for a long time. It isn't something I battle with, because of my views on it, but I have always wondered what the general opinion is.

Is doing a sexual RP with another person considered cheating? I know those who view it as such, and they make valid points (none of which I can remember at this very moment). I don't think it is, personally, because that would mean if I ever wrote a story by myself that involved sex that would be cheating as well, and I don't think anyone has ever bothered asking that.

But what are the opinions of you guys?
 
Well, I think your comparison of writing an erotic story by yourself would actually be more akin to masturbation. It is the element of involving another person(someone other than your SO) that makes erotic role-play comparable to cheating.

That being said, I do not believe that it is cheating, personally. This is excluding any relationship you might develop with your writing partner outside of a role-play, but everything within the role-play is pure fiction. In my opinion, if I had an SO who role-played sexual intercourse with someone else, I would not be jealous; so long as they turn off the computer and come to MY bed at night, still committed to and loving me, then what the fuck is the problem, you know? I do not think that it is fair to declare a monopoly over someone else's mind and feelings just because you're in a relationship with them. Physical crosses the line of commitment; phone calls, traded pictures and real relationships through the screen also cross that line on the emotional level, in my opinion. But a game is just a game and a story is just a story.
 
I see it as an equivalence to porn, as long as there is no emotional or sexual connection with the person you're roleplaying with. But cheating and its limits are always determined by the couple. When roleplaying, I do like to respect my partner, so I do not like to get too friendly and close with my rp partners. I do not roleplay as myself, and I do not like it when people roleplay as themselves. If I were to do that, I think it would essentially be cybering, which does push my limits. That's just my preference.
 
I don't consider it cheating because you're coming up with a story about people who aren't yourselves and writing about it. Yeah, it has some elements that you like fantasy/kink/sexually but it's not you doing these things to another person.
 
I agree with everything RQ said. I'd like to add one thought of my own too.

It's worth having a good definition in your head of what constitutes cheating, as it's something that, if you were to ask a hundred different people where that line is, you'd get about a dozen different answers. For me, cheating is anything of a certain nature with another person that I would be hesitant telling my SO about. That's a pretty encompassing blanket, and one that can and will shift from person to person, as their specific relationship dictates.

Going with that, it can be viewed as cheating, in a way, if you kept it a secret. I mean, here's someone giving you a repeat boner, right? So I can see the logic coming from that direction. I'm not sure if I entirely agree with it or not, but I defer to my previous paragraph about how it's important to be open and honest with someone, if you care for them, rather than keep the hobby hidden. That's just my opinion.

Here's another question for everyone: What if your SO is uncomfortable with your hobby, and asks you to please stop?
 
Because of my SO, I have stopped any sexual based roleplaying with other people. (He allows my books without jealousy because he knows it didn't come from interaction with anyone else and I often ask for his help in defining my male characters.)

It's funny you should mention this topic. Due to Blue Moon, my husband and I damn near lost our marriage. He went behind my back and indulged in not roleplaying, but the emotional side (intimate messages, picture exchanges, etc) until she talked him into asking for a divorce. We're working through it, but I don't think many people understand the impact that even talking to someone online can have on a relationship. Like people above have said, many people have various opinions on cheating. The best course of action is, when you are in a relationship with someone, to ask what they consider cheating. If you love them, truly love them, then whether or not to stop and stay away from something that hurts them or makes them uncomfortable shouldn't even be a choice.
 
WriteMood said:
Because of my SO, I have stopped any sexual based roleplaying with other people. (He allows my books without jealousy because he knows it didn't come from interaction with anyone else and I often ask for his help in defining my male characters.)

It's funny you should mention this topic. Due to Blue Moon, my husband and I damn near lost our marriage. He went behind my back and indulged in not roleplaying, but the emotional side (intimate messages, picture exchanges, etc) until she talked him into asking for a divorce. We're working through it, but I don't think many people understand the impact that even talking to someone online can have on a relationship. Like people above have said, many people have various opinions on cheating. ]The best course of action is, when you are in a relationship with someone, to ask what they consider cheating. If you love them, truly love them, then whether or not to stop and stay away from something that hurts them or makes them uncomfortable shouldn't even be a choice.]
Click to expand...

Wow! Sorry that happened. What your husband did is curious because it sounds like a reaction to feeling sidelined or a fear of that happening. The boundaries between sexual role play and cybersex / trying to hook up with someone maybe weren't that clear in his mind, even if they were in yours.

I highlighted part of your post because its the heart of the matter, imo.
 
Adult roleplay is not cheating. Cybersex is.

I am an adult. I roleplay adult characters. Adults, typically, have sex. However, that is not the main focus of their lives (at least, not mine). Adult roleplay is roleplay with adult themes. This includes sex, violence, drug use/abuse, etc. Anything to rate a movie "R". All of my roleplays do not focus on the sex. If they have sex, fine. Adults have sex, it's okay for adult characters to have sex too. But it is not my main focus.

Cybersex does. It's all about the sex. And the player gets satisfaction, sexually, through it. Some jerk off to it, whatever. I don't, and I refuse to have a roleplay with sex every single post. I have a girlfriend who can satisfy me, or if she's not around, I'll do it my fucking self. But getting sexual satisfaction from someone else, to me, is cheating.
 
Amar, that would be the objective viewpoint on this particular topic (and one I happen to wholeheartedly agree with). I personally don't see the problem with writing erotic literature (which I think is a fairly comprehensive label for most of the stories on here). To me it's no different to write an erotic tale on here than if you were to author a paperback (or hardcover) novel on this with someone else, but I digress.

However, given the rather large number of neural connections in our brain and that we've evolved into even more of a social species (including the stigmas we've created), we are a largely subjective species and our ability to process emotions tends to get in the way. It really goes down to personal philosophy and what each individual perceives to be cheating (which, if modeled mathematically, would be a VERY under-determined and chaotic system - i.e. too many variables and not enough equations to solve for them). The short of it? People are going to react differently to this sort of thing, and they need to just work it out amongst themselves.

That's my philosophy on the subject.
 
Cybersex isn't the same as a smutty RP. It's what I consider a "one on one" with someone through Ims and such and fucking around through that medium as yourselves and not characters. That's something I would call cheating. So yeah, I agree at least in that.

Otherwise, I don't call writing RP with sexual themes cheating as I said before.
 
Hahv said it succinctly. I just invited my fiance on here, so both of us are RPing with others and we both agree that it's not cheating. Role playing a character through creative writing on a public forum, does not have the physical or emotional intimacy as RL sex or cybering as our own selves through IM's, which both would be considered cheating in our book.
 
It is only cheating if you overly fantasize about the person getting you off. Just like obsessing over certain characters in certain movies, television shows, and most definitely certain books, it is a thin line. Asking someone to dress up or to do certain things is alright, but when you get to the point you want them to morph themselves into that character, that is when it becomes an online affair. The line is thin, just not invisible, and you know when you have crossed it when you make the role-play more important that the person. We all sometimes do it, but when both people don't care, it is an affair.
 
I don't think it is any more cheating than watching porn. Or, more accurately, watching a cam girl. I think that an emotional of physical connection is needed to constitute an affair. Having sex with someone in person is cheating. Developing an emotional connection and having a romance with the other person online is cheating. Roleplaying is not. It is an outlet, and I think a healthy one.

But then again, I have friends who get upset with their spouses/boyfriends if they so much as look at a porn site. So I guess it is all really a matter of how people cope with their feelings.
 
I've been on several ends of this spectrum. Like WriteMood, I have had a relationship fall apart. I've gotten emotionally attached to some RP partners, though never when I was in a relationship. I've also had people fall for me, when I made it clear that the adult themed threads were for recreation only. It really comes down to only two people's opinions: your own and your SO's. Your own is often pretty clear, but can easily get muddled depending on the strength of your relationship.

I too don't think that it is anymore cheating than watching a porn, cam, or hell, even reading a erotic book. I know in some instances, and it was this way with me early on, I used it as a way to explore myself. Test out just how much I was in to certain fetishes an kinks. Even something as mainstream (now) as BDSM can be a hard thing to come to terms with, especially if you were brought up in a restrictive manner. In that manner, it can help a relationship.

As to the later question posed, if they're so uncomfortable with it and they actually ask you to stop, then I think it becomes a topic of discussion between the two people. You can remain detached and not see anything wrong with it, and the SO could be feeling inferior or threatened. If after a calm and pointed conversation, it still bothers them, then yeah... I would stop. Maybe not entirely, but cut back on the mature nature of things and keep it strictly social RPs.
 
I don't think it is considered cheating if you keep the mindset that it's just a role-play and almost like writing a story just with another person. To me it becomes cheating when it starts becoming more personal and more personal with the individual you are role-playing with then it's not just a story but something else entirely. So I guess it kind of depends on how you role-play whether you keep it just as something fun or make it personal and if your spouse cares :)
 
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