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- Feb 7, 2009
"I am haunted by the memories of chances I didn't take."
I said that to a very good friend recently. The words have stuck with me since. It's so easy to be terrified. Being scared is human. It's not that we're inherent cowards, but we all have a sense of self-preservation. That's why we curl up to the fetal position, protecting the most delicate parts of ourselves. That's why even when we find someone we have a sense we can believe in, that we feel safe around, pulling back the protective layers we've all created for ourselves becomes a gradual process, lest this person whose opinion we've come to care about sees something that devalues us in their eyes. It's why we pause, why we hesitate, even when the opportunity is right there before us. Even when the opportunity has so limited a time in which we can take it, because one day it's not going to be there anymore. We play it safe. We protect ourselves from the hurt. That's what's most important, right? Protect yourself from the hurt. But, what I've come to be terrified of is the very opposite.
I want to talk about opportunities.
What do we miss out on when we don't take them? It could be education, or a career. It could be romance. It could be friendship. Lifestyle. It's scary, all of it.
What do we miss out on? ...how good it can be.
In economics it's called 'opportunity cost.' It's a hidden value attached to everything that most people don't even realize. You've got six dollars in your pocket. Is that coffee and a sandwich? Is that gas money to spend the afternoon visiting someone? Are you choosing to do one, or are you choosing to not do the other? That's not meant to encourage indecision, nor to create guilt, but simply to understand the choices we make. That one there was a little one. We face forks all the time, every day. We're surrounded by options.
Are you playing it safe right now? Is there something in your life within reach that you're just too scared of it going wrong to reach for?
I had a girlfriend once who loved me. Genevieve. I loved her too. It was dear to both of us. She latched onto me first. It was scary for both of us, but me especially. We'd started as friends. Where did this come from? It was scary for me especially, because Genevieve was my second girlfriend. My first was Claire. Claire was...Claire treat me very poorly. She hurt me. She liked me very much from the start, but then her interest suddenly began to wane. I caught her cheating. Physically, I walked in on it. She wasn't sorry; she didn't necessarily want to hurt me, but no remorse was apparent. Some first girlfriend, right? To add salt on the wound, the other guy meant nothing to her. He was gone from her life soon after. It would have been so easy to be scared of Genevieve, of what she wanted to bring to my life. The sweet things she would say to me, Claire said them too. But I took a deep breath. It was...magical. Is this what love really is? It was like a hug that never, ever stopped. Not everything was fantastic within the relationship, we had our day-to-day problems and it eventually found its end, but even during those, during the tears, the hard conversations, we both knew we cherished each other. It was perhaps the most beautiful time in my life and it so, so easily could have never happened.
I cried over Claire. I cried over Genevieve. I cried over Nataliya. There is someone in my life recently whom I've given my tears to. There were plenty of other girls along the way, shortlived relationships that weren't worth that special emotion. When I look back on each of these though, I try to think of them as happy tears. They're happy tears, because even though I'm devastated, I can remember the good times. I can remember how good it was, and I'll hold onto those memories no matter what it takes. I can't hold onto the bad, the downturns. I spent too many years of my life with a heart that was alone, and scared, and wasn't necessarily dark, but didn't remember what the light looked like. I have to hold onto the good. The smiles. I have to use those as if they were embers to keep me warm, just long enough until someone comes along and...wants me.
I've also cried over Carrie, and over Fawn, but those two girls are different from the others. Hesitation. I had strong feelings for each and a small window with which to try, but I didn't have the courage at the time for either. Do you know what I do when I look at the mirror? ...I don't. I look away. If I pass by one, in the hallway, in the bathroom, wherever, I avert my gaze, looking down, or away, like an ex at a party. Confidence is hard for me. It's getting a lot, lot better, but there's many things about myself I'm still vastly self-conscious about. For awhile I learned how to fake confidence. I could put on a smile, take a breath and just go. Bravery is birthed through the womb of fear. Not back then, though, and I'll sometimes wonder what it could have been like with either one. Maybe if things had been different something could have happened with one or the other. Maybe, but maybe it would have also gone bad. But then I'd know. Then I'd at least know. Chance, taken. Heart, let's move on. I'm scared of adding to the names in this paragraph. Let's keep it at two, okay? I'd rather add to the names in the paragraph before, the ones I recognized my desire to have close and took a chance on, because I at least know. I know, and when I think about each of the girls, there are memories attached that make me smile.
There are so many more opportunities in life than just relationships. There's general friendships. I really want to rekindle things with Ray. I'd like to get to know Joe better. I know Bryce and I would be best friends if we didn't live so far apart, but short of me moving to Texas or he to New Jersey, there's not much to be done about that. There's actually a potent option for me to move down there with him and Elisa, a mutual friend, as they have an extra room at their place, and there's (kind of, unofficially) an offer, but there would be cons associated with that too. I miss having Carrie as a friend very much, but I've given her enough opportunities, and she's turned her nose up at every one of them. There's education, and a career. I was intellectually lost and emotionally depressed following high school. I tried college for a short while but disliked the subject I'd been talked into going for. I want to go back, but I'm scared of my age. I'm scared I can't afford one of the more challenging, higher end careers I know I'm capable of. I'm scared of how old I'd be by the time i finish, and what I may miss out on with the time I had to invest and the money I'd then owe. I'm scared of having to settle for something that I don't truly care about. There's other opportunities I'd like to embrace too, day-to-day things. I'd like to change how unattractive I am. First that means keeping up the gym that I started recently, then finding a look for myself that's not just 'decent,' but actually good. There's finding a job I"m not disappointed in myself to have. I'd like to go out more, to be more social, to try places outside my comfort zone and embrace the ones that interest me. I'd like to meet people. I'd like to try my hand at songwriting, maybe poetry. I'd like to learn how to sing, or to play an instrument. I'd like to be more physically active and enjoy a sport. Soccer, Tennis, or some sort of martial art all come to mind. I'd like to actually take a few classes at this comedy club in NYC I've been eyeballing forever and perform on stage there. How cool would that be? Even if it was just once, to be able to say I performed at a club in NYC. I've been told for years and years that my writing is good enough to be published, but I don't know if my inaction there is hesitation or just a preference of a casual atmosphere.
Of course, I have the option to continue playing it safe. I can keep protecting myself from things that make me wince. But, looking back at that last paragraph, there's a lot of cool things I'd be missing out on. It's not just possible, but a guarantee that I'd fall on my face with a few. That's life. Some would go mediocre. What about the ones that go good? I went to a club with a friend recently. I'd been to clubs before but not one quite like this. We both knew that ahead of time. She wasn't sure about bringing me, and for the first hour we were there I could tell she wasn't keen on the decision. Even if I want to do something, there are times when I need the right encouragement first. I felt completely comfortable with her, I felt safe, despite everything. I stood back a bit and watched, having a drink or two first, like a pool where I just needed that first hour to get used to the water. Then, after that hour, for the rest of the night, I was the one tapping her on the arm, asking if she'd like to dance. I was the one that brought it up a few times later, letting her know what I good time I'd had with her that night, letting her know that I'd like to go back, and that I'd like to be better prepared for next time.
I could keep the world at arm's reach if I consider all the hurt I've been through, and how bad I don't want it to ever happen again. But there's a light, there's a warmth that I crave. I learned it from being with Genevieve. I try to apply the mindset whenever I need to faux up a smile, take a deep breath and hope 'this'll be the time.' I know how good it can be. That was her gift to me, to my life. She showed me how good things could be. Everyone teaches us. Everyone we know. Everyone we meet, everyone we see. We all serve as guides through life for each other. Some teach us how to be. Some teach us how not. Some provide mirrors for reflection. I'm so scared, but what scares me the most is seeing the potential for something truly special, and letting it slip through my fingers.
And just as we learn from all those we encounter, we learn from life's experiences too. If it wasn't for all the hard things I've been through, I wouldn't truly cherish the good ones when they come. I wouldn't know how. None of us would. Every tear we've shed will come together to form a river, guiding us to a place where we finally know we are happy.
I believe this. For the sake of my smile, for my heart, I have to.
I would be truly humbled to have written this story, but it is not mine; rather, I read it years ago and found it pivotal guidance at a time when everything in my life felt so far away:
He rose again from his shadow to contemplate the decision before him.The sun was descending into the west and he felt it exploding him from behind.A few feet from where his eyes rested upon his young face stood two signs.One sign pointed down a road where a car awaited him into the womb of certainty, should he chose that path.The other sign pointed towards a narrow trail that disappeared into a lush forest.He looked at the sign pointing at the car.Upon it, in big, black gleaming letters was the word CERTAINTY-10 miles.Underneath this word, written a bit smaller, it read: ACCEPTANCE and SECURITY.He stared at the sign for a moment before shifting his gaze to the other.This sign was older looking and the words were a bit faded-it read: UNCERTAINTY-miles unknown.Underneath, like the other sign, were two words: RISK and FREEDOM.The boy became confused and distraught once again as his eyes began to swell with water.Most of his life he had been told that this day would come.They had all said for him to prepare himself and he now knew that this would be the biggest decision he would ever make.A resolution that would decide his life course.Those close assured him it would ultimately be his decision; but at the same time he felt the urge to get into the car, which would lead him to certainty.They had all been there before, and they would convince him that getting in the car would be the safest way to live his life.Most of them had chosen the path of certainty.They had all sat down in the comfort of the car, and like most before, had all ended up secure and accepted.But were they happy?Were their hearts singing everyday when they awoke?The boy thought about this as he turned to let the setting sun dry his face.He watched the beautiful merging of the sun and the ocean.The sight seemed to return a calmness that had been absent from his soul.He breathed deep, longing for the rays of light to enter his body, to maybe melt away his emotions.Then, after a while he closed his eyes and slowly turned to face the inevitable.The boy retracted his eyelids to let all the perception enter.He glared at first to the first sign, trying to dismantle the words until they were naked, revealing their true meaning.CERTAINTY…ACCEPTANCE…SECURITY, he couldn't figure out why most of the world was obsessed with obtaining these things; why most deemed this path the safest for one's life.He shifted his eyes to the other sign, looking deep into the words.UNCERTAINTY…RISK…FREEDOM.He repeated the words over and over as he read them.Then slowly but suddenly, quietly but urgently, the revelation crawled into his head and rested upon his brain.The boy quickly looked up beyond the sign to the trail disappearing into the lush green canopy.Then he glanced at the car.He felt his heart begin to beat harder.He looked back to the trail and the beautiful forest, which eventually enveloped it.The boy watched as a bird took flight from one tree to another.He noticed a squirrel run down the base of a tree then disappear under a bush.He realized that animals are not concerned with security or acceptance.They are content with being who they are and they are satisfied with what they have.His breath quickened as he looked back to the car and the looming city beyond.He pondered all the people scurrying around in the shadows of those towering buildings.He wondered if they were content with being who they were.He wondered if they were satisfied with the path they had chosen.The boy concluded that maybe some were, but most were trying to fill the void where their childhood hearts once sang.Most were trying to get somewhere the car would not take them because in this life, nothing is certain.He felt a wonderful burning in the center of his chest, as he finally turned his back to the car forever.As he moved to the head of the uncertain trail, he glanced at the sign, which pointed to it.A subtle smile crept across his face.For now he knew what the sign meant.The boy stood before the path of uncertainty, held his head high, and said these words aloud "This is the route for my life.I know because my heart has shown me the way.This passage will not be an easy one.There will be numerous obstacles blocking my way, and many challenges to overcome; but by doing so I know that I will learn and grow from every experience, pleasant or unpleasant.I understand that by taking this uncertain path, I may risk acceptance and security, and at times life might be filled with suffering; but if the risk is taken out of life, then there will be no true living.Through the risk of the life I'm choosing, ultimately I will be free."Tears of joy began to gather in the boy's eyes as he took the path of uncertainty, because he knew he was following his heart, and his heart had told him to stay true to the dreams of his youth.Just before the boy was consumed by the thicket of trees he looked back over his shoulder to where the car was.He began laughing aloud and singing lovely songs of freedom because the car had vanished.
I took an opportunity recently, a chance. It didn't go how I'd hoped inside but when I look back, I would take it again. I'm going to be taking another chance soon, an opportunity that there's only one way to find out whether or not it's still available to me. It's likely not, but even should I fall flat on my face, it will be with a calmed heart, and a bittersweet smile.
I said that to a very good friend recently. The words have stuck with me since. It's so easy to be terrified. Being scared is human. It's not that we're inherent cowards, but we all have a sense of self-preservation. That's why we curl up to the fetal position, protecting the most delicate parts of ourselves. That's why even when we find someone we have a sense we can believe in, that we feel safe around, pulling back the protective layers we've all created for ourselves becomes a gradual process, lest this person whose opinion we've come to care about sees something that devalues us in their eyes. It's why we pause, why we hesitate, even when the opportunity is right there before us. Even when the opportunity has so limited a time in which we can take it, because one day it's not going to be there anymore. We play it safe. We protect ourselves from the hurt. That's what's most important, right? Protect yourself from the hurt. But, what I've come to be terrified of is the very opposite.
I want to talk about opportunities.
What do we miss out on when we don't take them? It could be education, or a career. It could be romance. It could be friendship. Lifestyle. It's scary, all of it.
What do we miss out on? ...how good it can be.
In economics it's called 'opportunity cost.' It's a hidden value attached to everything that most people don't even realize. You've got six dollars in your pocket. Is that coffee and a sandwich? Is that gas money to spend the afternoon visiting someone? Are you choosing to do one, or are you choosing to not do the other? That's not meant to encourage indecision, nor to create guilt, but simply to understand the choices we make. That one there was a little one. We face forks all the time, every day. We're surrounded by options.
Are you playing it safe right now? Is there something in your life within reach that you're just too scared of it going wrong to reach for?
I had a girlfriend once who loved me. Genevieve. I loved her too. It was dear to both of us. She latched onto me first. It was scary for both of us, but me especially. We'd started as friends. Where did this come from? It was scary for me especially, because Genevieve was my second girlfriend. My first was Claire. Claire was...Claire treat me very poorly. She hurt me. She liked me very much from the start, but then her interest suddenly began to wane. I caught her cheating. Physically, I walked in on it. She wasn't sorry; she didn't necessarily want to hurt me, but no remorse was apparent. Some first girlfriend, right? To add salt on the wound, the other guy meant nothing to her. He was gone from her life soon after. It would have been so easy to be scared of Genevieve, of what she wanted to bring to my life. The sweet things she would say to me, Claire said them too. But I took a deep breath. It was...magical. Is this what love really is? It was like a hug that never, ever stopped. Not everything was fantastic within the relationship, we had our day-to-day problems and it eventually found its end, but even during those, during the tears, the hard conversations, we both knew we cherished each other. It was perhaps the most beautiful time in my life and it so, so easily could have never happened.
I cried over Claire. I cried over Genevieve. I cried over Nataliya. There is someone in my life recently whom I've given my tears to. There were plenty of other girls along the way, shortlived relationships that weren't worth that special emotion. When I look back on each of these though, I try to think of them as happy tears. They're happy tears, because even though I'm devastated, I can remember the good times. I can remember how good it was, and I'll hold onto those memories no matter what it takes. I can't hold onto the bad, the downturns. I spent too many years of my life with a heart that was alone, and scared, and wasn't necessarily dark, but didn't remember what the light looked like. I have to hold onto the good. The smiles. I have to use those as if they were embers to keep me warm, just long enough until someone comes along and...wants me.
I've also cried over Carrie, and over Fawn, but those two girls are different from the others. Hesitation. I had strong feelings for each and a small window with which to try, but I didn't have the courage at the time for either. Do you know what I do when I look at the mirror? ...I don't. I look away. If I pass by one, in the hallway, in the bathroom, wherever, I avert my gaze, looking down, or away, like an ex at a party. Confidence is hard for me. It's getting a lot, lot better, but there's many things about myself I'm still vastly self-conscious about. For awhile I learned how to fake confidence. I could put on a smile, take a breath and just go. Bravery is birthed through the womb of fear. Not back then, though, and I'll sometimes wonder what it could have been like with either one. Maybe if things had been different something could have happened with one or the other. Maybe, but maybe it would have also gone bad. But then I'd know. Then I'd at least know. Chance, taken. Heart, let's move on. I'm scared of adding to the names in this paragraph. Let's keep it at two, okay? I'd rather add to the names in the paragraph before, the ones I recognized my desire to have close and took a chance on, because I at least know. I know, and when I think about each of the girls, there are memories attached that make me smile.
There are so many more opportunities in life than just relationships. There's general friendships. I really want to rekindle things with Ray. I'd like to get to know Joe better. I know Bryce and I would be best friends if we didn't live so far apart, but short of me moving to Texas or he to New Jersey, there's not much to be done about that. There's actually a potent option for me to move down there with him and Elisa, a mutual friend, as they have an extra room at their place, and there's (kind of, unofficially) an offer, but there would be cons associated with that too. I miss having Carrie as a friend very much, but I've given her enough opportunities, and she's turned her nose up at every one of them. There's education, and a career. I was intellectually lost and emotionally depressed following high school. I tried college for a short while but disliked the subject I'd been talked into going for. I want to go back, but I'm scared of my age. I'm scared I can't afford one of the more challenging, higher end careers I know I'm capable of. I'm scared of how old I'd be by the time i finish, and what I may miss out on with the time I had to invest and the money I'd then owe. I'm scared of having to settle for something that I don't truly care about. There's other opportunities I'd like to embrace too, day-to-day things. I'd like to change how unattractive I am. First that means keeping up the gym that I started recently, then finding a look for myself that's not just 'decent,' but actually good. There's finding a job I"m not disappointed in myself to have. I'd like to go out more, to be more social, to try places outside my comfort zone and embrace the ones that interest me. I'd like to meet people. I'd like to try my hand at songwriting, maybe poetry. I'd like to learn how to sing, or to play an instrument. I'd like to be more physically active and enjoy a sport. Soccer, Tennis, or some sort of martial art all come to mind. I'd like to actually take a few classes at this comedy club in NYC I've been eyeballing forever and perform on stage there. How cool would that be? Even if it was just once, to be able to say I performed at a club in NYC. I've been told for years and years that my writing is good enough to be published, but I don't know if my inaction there is hesitation or just a preference of a casual atmosphere.
Of course, I have the option to continue playing it safe. I can keep protecting myself from things that make me wince. But, looking back at that last paragraph, there's a lot of cool things I'd be missing out on. It's not just possible, but a guarantee that I'd fall on my face with a few. That's life. Some would go mediocre. What about the ones that go good? I went to a club with a friend recently. I'd been to clubs before but not one quite like this. We both knew that ahead of time. She wasn't sure about bringing me, and for the first hour we were there I could tell she wasn't keen on the decision. Even if I want to do something, there are times when I need the right encouragement first. I felt completely comfortable with her, I felt safe, despite everything. I stood back a bit and watched, having a drink or two first, like a pool where I just needed that first hour to get used to the water. Then, after that hour, for the rest of the night, I was the one tapping her on the arm, asking if she'd like to dance. I was the one that brought it up a few times later, letting her know what I good time I'd had with her that night, letting her know that I'd like to go back, and that I'd like to be better prepared for next time.
I could keep the world at arm's reach if I consider all the hurt I've been through, and how bad I don't want it to ever happen again. But there's a light, there's a warmth that I crave. I learned it from being with Genevieve. I try to apply the mindset whenever I need to faux up a smile, take a deep breath and hope 'this'll be the time.' I know how good it can be. That was her gift to me, to my life. She showed me how good things could be. Everyone teaches us. Everyone we know. Everyone we meet, everyone we see. We all serve as guides through life for each other. Some teach us how to be. Some teach us how not. Some provide mirrors for reflection. I'm so scared, but what scares me the most is seeing the potential for something truly special, and letting it slip through my fingers.
And just as we learn from all those we encounter, we learn from life's experiences too. If it wasn't for all the hard things I've been through, I wouldn't truly cherish the good ones when they come. I wouldn't know how. None of us would. Every tear we've shed will come together to form a river, guiding us to a place where we finally know we are happy.
I believe this. For the sake of my smile, for my heart, I have to.
I would be truly humbled to have written this story, but it is not mine; rather, I read it years ago and found it pivotal guidance at a time when everything in my life felt so far away:
He rose again from his shadow to contemplate the decision before him.The sun was descending into the west and he felt it exploding him from behind.A few feet from where his eyes rested upon his young face stood two signs.One sign pointed down a road where a car awaited him into the womb of certainty, should he chose that path.The other sign pointed towards a narrow trail that disappeared into a lush forest.He looked at the sign pointing at the car.Upon it, in big, black gleaming letters was the word CERTAINTY-10 miles.Underneath this word, written a bit smaller, it read: ACCEPTANCE and SECURITY.He stared at the sign for a moment before shifting his gaze to the other.This sign was older looking and the words were a bit faded-it read: UNCERTAINTY-miles unknown.Underneath, like the other sign, were two words: RISK and FREEDOM.The boy became confused and distraught once again as his eyes began to swell with water.Most of his life he had been told that this day would come.They had all said for him to prepare himself and he now knew that this would be the biggest decision he would ever make.A resolution that would decide his life course.Those close assured him it would ultimately be his decision; but at the same time he felt the urge to get into the car, which would lead him to certainty.They had all been there before, and they would convince him that getting in the car would be the safest way to live his life.Most of them had chosen the path of certainty.They had all sat down in the comfort of the car, and like most before, had all ended up secure and accepted.But were they happy?Were their hearts singing everyday when they awoke?The boy thought about this as he turned to let the setting sun dry his face.He watched the beautiful merging of the sun and the ocean.The sight seemed to return a calmness that had been absent from his soul.He breathed deep, longing for the rays of light to enter his body, to maybe melt away his emotions.Then, after a while he closed his eyes and slowly turned to face the inevitable.The boy retracted his eyelids to let all the perception enter.He glared at first to the first sign, trying to dismantle the words until they were naked, revealing their true meaning.CERTAINTY…ACCEPTANCE…SECURITY, he couldn't figure out why most of the world was obsessed with obtaining these things; why most deemed this path the safest for one's life.He shifted his eyes to the other sign, looking deep into the words.UNCERTAINTY…RISK…FREEDOM.He repeated the words over and over as he read them.Then slowly but suddenly, quietly but urgently, the revelation crawled into his head and rested upon his brain.The boy quickly looked up beyond the sign to the trail disappearing into the lush green canopy.Then he glanced at the car.He felt his heart begin to beat harder.He looked back to the trail and the beautiful forest, which eventually enveloped it.The boy watched as a bird took flight from one tree to another.He noticed a squirrel run down the base of a tree then disappear under a bush.He realized that animals are not concerned with security or acceptance.They are content with being who they are and they are satisfied with what they have.His breath quickened as he looked back to the car and the looming city beyond.He pondered all the people scurrying around in the shadows of those towering buildings.He wondered if they were content with being who they were.He wondered if they were satisfied with the path they had chosen.The boy concluded that maybe some were, but most were trying to fill the void where their childhood hearts once sang.Most were trying to get somewhere the car would not take them because in this life, nothing is certain.He felt a wonderful burning in the center of his chest, as he finally turned his back to the car forever.As he moved to the head of the uncertain trail, he glanced at the sign, which pointed to it.A subtle smile crept across his face.For now he knew what the sign meant.The boy stood before the path of uncertainty, held his head high, and said these words aloud "This is the route for my life.I know because my heart has shown me the way.This passage will not be an easy one.There will be numerous obstacles blocking my way, and many challenges to overcome; but by doing so I know that I will learn and grow from every experience, pleasant or unpleasant.I understand that by taking this uncertain path, I may risk acceptance and security, and at times life might be filled with suffering; but if the risk is taken out of life, then there will be no true living.Through the risk of the life I'm choosing, ultimately I will be free."Tears of joy began to gather in the boy's eyes as he took the path of uncertainty, because he knew he was following his heart, and his heart had told him to stay true to the dreams of his youth.Just before the boy was consumed by the thicket of trees he looked back over his shoulder to where the car was.He began laughing aloud and singing lovely songs of freedom because the car had vanished.
I took an opportunity recently, a chance. It didn't go how I'd hoped inside but when I look back, I would take it again. I'm going to be taking another chance soon, an opportunity that there's only one way to find out whether or not it's still available to me. It's likely not, but even should I fall flat on my face, it will be with a calmed heart, and a bittersweet smile.
