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The "OhGodI'mSoGoingToHell" Joke Thread!

Scyle

Super-Earth
Joined
Jan 23, 2012
**WARNING: Please leave ALL humanity at the door! We're looking for fucked up, entirely black humor here. You are forewarned that this thread will be HORRIBLE and since we're all adults here if something offends you that much, just leave. In addendum, no trolling/flaming/flamebaiting participators of this thread. As fucked as what we're sharing is, this should be a friendly environment. :] You have been warned**

I'll start ;]

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* Pops knuckles *

Alright, the warning is above me...
I heard this one a while back and still shutter repeating it...

Q: " What do two dead babies in a blender sound like?"




A: " I dunno I was to busy masturbating.. "
 
Alright, alright, guys, I've got a zinger.

So a Priest, a Rabbi, and a Muslim all walk into the bar...

Except there's no Rabbi and no Muslim...

And it's actually my eight birthday party, and the priest is raping me...

And he's my dad, and he's not a priest...

My dad raped me.

A lot.
 
:exclamation: Huh what was that noise....

So a flasher is near a convent and decides to get a few nuns to look at his family jewels.

Upon finding a bench out front with three nuns he knew it'd be the best chance to get the most attention.

Jumping before them he'd bare his all...
The first nun on the bench would have a stroke...
The second would as well!

The third would pass...

Remember kids... don't drink the holy water...
Mostly hand sanitizer now at days... less blood of Christ.
 
'Whats worse than waking up with a lot of pubic hair stuck between your teeth?

Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth...'
 
Ohh! xD Nice one~

Little Samantha ran into the house and asked her mother, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
She replied, "No, of course not," with a light chuckle.
Samantha ran outside again, and the mother could hear her shout to her friends, "It's okay! We can play that game again!"
 
This one is so much better in person, but I got to use it yesterday and I had a crowd laughing.

What's better than winning the special Olympics?
ICE CREAM! (You have to say it really loud, excited, and with a massive speech impediment. Closer to "I-th Keem").
 
Hehehe, that's pretty good, Firm. Alright, here's one:

If carbon monoxide is the silent killer, then why the hell do I always have to hear about that dead family two houses over?
 
Alright, this one's kinda long so bear with me.....

*ahem*

A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:

"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

The doctor continues: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, changing her soiled diapers, and tending to her needs constantly, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

At that point, the doctor puts his hand on the man's shoulder, and says, "Naaaah - I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."
 
*cracks knuckles*

I got a few.

1) There is a theory that one pedophile lives in every neighborhood. I call bullshit, I only live next to Two hot 8-year olds.

2) "What's the hardest thing about seeing a child getting hit by a car?

My dick."

3) So I finally lost my virginity, I know I'm a late bloomer but I need your advice. I've been seeing this girl next to my college campus, and she's really hot. We had sex and she told me it was her first time, so I expected bleeding. But there was A LOT of blood. I dismissed it the first time, but everytime we have sex she bleeds! Help me out here guys, am I doing something wrong? Should I try a new possition? Should we use a special lube? Should I wait till she turns 10? Any advice will help.
 
Alright, here's another installment from me:

1) I couldn’t be a cop because you have to beat people up and I’m not physically cut out for that. I’d just have to shoot everyone instead.

2) I’m not stalking this girl I just follow her around town and then back to her house. You know, just to make sure there aren’t any weirdos back there waiting for her.

3) How do you start a foot race in Ethiopia? Roll a doughnut down the street

4) What's black and white and red all over? A bloodied, beaten penguin

5) Women are like cars: As they get more mileage on them they become less reliable and attractive. So when one gets old and used you trade up to a newer model.
 
I saw this one and it killed me for some reason, hahaha

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

You'd run away too if your name was DERRRRRRR
 
What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?


One is a snack cracker....
...the other is a "crack snacker"....
 
What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
 
1. What do you call a dead baby floating in the ocean?
Bob
2. What do you call a dead baby in a blender?
Dip
3. What do you do call a dead baby just before it hits the wall?
Paint
4. What's better than one dead baby?
Boobs
5. How do you handle the angry mother of a dead baby?
Feed her some Dip.
 
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