makky sakkys notes

[Makida]

i do not know i just want a place to vent. so many things you were right about you were right about him about her about me............ admitting it feels like i am more responsble for what happened maybe if i just listened and ave you a chance you would still be here.
i hoped that you would finally get through to your dad i do not know why but i remember the way you were those last months and how alone you felt because of them not talking to you. i hoped he would learn his lesson and feel guilty but it is like they shoved you in the ground and found a reason to forget about you i had lunch with your mom last weekend and brought you up a couple of times at first she ignored me changing the subject like i did not say any thing but finally she asked me not to talk about you she did not give me a reason and she acted like i was trying to talk to her about sex. i felt really mad because i am really alone there is no one else to talk to about you and everybody they all do not care. they dumped most of the stuff from your apartment i saved what i could but it is just papers stupid notes you made to your self and a lot of french i can not read it.
i just wanted a place to get some thoughts venting my feelings wounds that still will not heal and to tell you happy canada day i will shoot a firework for you. i miss and love you c.

 

[Hahvoc The Decepticon]

Hey, um.

This isn't meant to bug you or anything but....

If you ever feel like talking about him - even if I don't know as much as you - you can talk to me.

I guess an Olive Branch.

Hope you have a better day.

 

[Makida]

i found a song today a thousand years by christina perri you wrote the lyrics down in one of your notebooks but i did not know what it was really. i thought it was a poem you wrote and i wondered who it was for was it for her was it for me? i was in the store today and i heard on the radio playing in the store a song that reminded me of some of the words in the poem i came went home and found the page and typed the words and found the song and listened to it. i could not stop crying thinking of you singing it to somebody and just thinking of how scared you were and allone why could you not just let some one touch you i do not understand!!!! if the alternitive of your pain and miserable was death to make it stop then how was that better than taking a leap of faith sometimes i just feel so angry when i am missing you.

 

[Makida]

i found a note you write today a poem in your book i thought it was for her another one for her because you wrote lots of nice just really lovely things to her i did not know what it was until i done translatng it and i read it again and realized it was for my baby. it was about her my little princess before when she was born and i took her out of your life you were so sad about some of the things i said it like you trying to convince her in poem in french letters that you would have been a good dad even though you not related you would have loved her and about all the things you wanted to do and give her. when he come home and he is angry tonight i try to do everything i can to make him feel better make nice dinner he does not eat it too stressed tell him about things i read or things that she has done today and he does not care tell me to shut up call me names and i think of what i did to chase away one good thing i ever had and how i never get it back. some time i seriously think about joining you

 

[Makida]

sometime i miss you so much rory you would never hurt me like he does even at you drunkest you would never raise your fist to a woman even when you were upset with me or we argue the thingh you say were juvenile but never so hurtful that i want to die just from hearing them. i think about driving a lot just get in the car take tilly with me and go never stop ust get out of here. i remembered back when you were going to school we hanging around with the group smoking and stuff and you said how someday you planned to take a road trip drive all across canada from bc to nova scosia making detour for youkon and noneavut. it was you dream you say and i remember i could care less give a shit about fucking canada but you made it sound beatufiul you love for it was contageous if i was going to leave to make it in my car and just go that is what i would do i would go live rorys dream. just me and tilly adventure across the province.

 

[Makida]

nearing that time agian feels like so long ago but reading my thoughts in here i know it was just a few months makes a big difference. some times bad things happen and all you can do is stay locked in a place where you miss some body but i had to get out of that had to do better for my daughter. things are better now and i grow up a lot still miss him a lot and it hurts that his family the people who had the biggest connect to him do not wish to speak to me but i am okay . i plan on doing some thing extra special for that day and baby and i are taking a tiny road trip to where he is and bringing flowers it should look nice since it is spring now at leas i hope so and not too rainy there were some people here i know he was close to and you will be in our thoughts while we visit.

 

[Hahvoc The Decepticon]

I'll be thinking of you as well.

 

[Makida]

left tuesday and come home last night my friend went with us but baby and me went to cemetry alone brought him some flowers and i talked a lot to him but then we leave when baby was getting cranky wanting to nap. i did not want to cry but it happened but after we starting to leave i feel better and the rest of the day was happy there were some small things left on the grave new things and more flowers but i think they are from his friends and people he worked with not his parents probably. that is okay i am done feeling lost because of them i was so anxous about this day for a few weeks but now it feels like wieght is off my shoulders like he is there giving me a hug and helping pushing me forward.