10/30/12
I have not posted on this site for quite sometime. I guess it got weird after a while or the fact that i got busy with my life.
At the moment i have 2 jobs and go to college. I fear that i might fail college due to all the drama that has been happening in my life. When Brian left for boot camp, i felt so lost, like a part of me just left. I may act childish at times but i know when to act grown up. When college started, i was hoping seeing all my nerdy friends would make me feel better. It did for quite some time, running around and joking. There was that part that was still missing though. That one person i wanted to talk about everything with and cuddle.
Then i met the shy kid in the corner. No cared about him, in fact we made fun of him, give him a name and wondered what he was up to everyday. Like i did in high school, i talked to the shy kid. At first i had no idea what to say, say hi every now and then like a shy little girl then after seeing he was on my bus, i would sit next to him...pushing my self into talking with him. One day i just let it out, saying how i did;t want to to work and suddenly we were talking a lot more...talked almost everyday. I really thought i found my new best friend and that i found my missing part. He soon started to step out of his shell, cutting his hair, shaving his face and even talking with my friends. One again i had turn the shy kid into talkative person. I was quite proud of what i did but then it would seem he walked to talk to me more then anyone else. Or maybe i was just full of myself. In any case, my flirting got the best of me and so did my stress. Shy kid would hear everything i would say, hug me...cuddle with me. We got close....too close. People started to wonder what was happening, Asking if we were dating and making fun of how we would run off to cuddle on the couch. I tried to ignore all of it, and went on with doing what i wanted. Being happier then ever that i had that part back, i did the one thing i thought i would never do. Come close to shy kid. With every passing day i would worry about if Brian found out. I thought to myself, it was just some thing that i need to control and push away. Although thoughts of douts went through my head. Brian, the one who was always fighting with me...why should i have to deal with it anymore?
Me and Brian,We have been together for 3 years, have so much in common, he lives 2 miles from me, always been there for me and shared everything together. He even wet to boot camp to make sure we had a better life. For me to just throw this away for a Shy kid that i liked from college... that has no job, no car and spends his time on the internet all the time? No, just no. That the dumbest thing ever. I had to think very hard about what i needed to do but my body would scream at me to get closer to that shy kid. I told Shy kid what was happening and he did't mind at all. Of course he does not mind at all...he has a girl flirting with him and made him little popular.
When Brian came back for a week, it was the happiest week of my life, eating fast food everyday, and sleeping next to him everyday. That guilt started to roll in. I told him that i meet another guy that made me happy. At first he had laughs that i replaced him but as the week started to end, i told him that it was not the same as it was when we first went out....that i was tired of fighting and i was no longer happy. I could not stop crying...i kept saying sorry and he said well if your no longer happy..i understand but i had 3 more months to think about it. The last day i seen him, he walked me to class and hugged me goodbye. I had to walk out of math class because i wanted to cry. At that moment i knew i loved him and that he did in fact, made me happy. I did't care about the fights we had or the fact that he was an asshole sometimes. I knew he would make me happy no matter what. There was still one problem though. I had to deal with the fact that i still liked that shy kid. He was so cute, nice, silly and childish like me. I just kept doing what i wanted but i needed to do what was right. Now i realize how childish that shy kid is....Again...no job, no car... and i have only known him for only about 3 months! why did i do things i know i was going to regret later?
Because i'm a silly human that's why. I know all humans make mistakes but i have been trying my best NOT to be the people i see around me. Not to be a 20 year old with 5 kids...Not to be, a pothead that work at Walmart... and Not to be, a person that sits around doing nothing all day. No matter how much a person may plan out there life, it will take the other road. So many detours that you have to take in order to get to the place that you are going. Maybe that's a good thing. All the mistakes i make and see others do would make me a better person. Just a few moments ago i was sad because i had so many friends i met in real life and the internet that has left me. I texted someone and said. "I just feel so alone. I just want to hang myself" I have had a lot of moments in my life were i hurt myself and wish to be gone.But that would mean i would be giving up. I said i wanted to make my life better and then i just want to end it so fast. Life is really hard but dying is just an easy way out of it. That means you were not able to take life head on. Now i know what i must do.
I love you Brian.
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