Flying on Tattered Wings~ [Ahiru's journal]

[Ahiru]

Saa.. It's been quite some time since I've logged on here... Long story short, a lot of shit has been going on in my life and it's finally piecing its self back together.

I don't really care to rant about it all.. except for one thing in particular; my father.

I'm pretty much done with having him in my life right now. Please don't give me the "But he's your father" lecture. Trust me, I've given it to myself. But when it comes down to it.. that man is hardly a father to me at all. And all I feel like I am to him is a call any time, free babysitter... Not a daughter. And it's just ridiculous. Yes, he pays for my phone... and trust me, he holds that over my head as if it were the noose around his neck...

But I'm tired... what use is this stupid phone if he never bothers to answer... and what's worse? When he chooses to listen to any voice mail, he tells his friends he isn't really listening to it because he "doesn't want to hear it".. Even though MOST of the time it's me calling to let him know that the answer to whatever question it is, is yes, I will do this or that. So in the end I look bad to his friends because he makes it sound like I don't want to do anything they ask me to help with -_-;; For example, a friend of his had asked me to do face painting... and when he called me about it, I had missed his phone call.. But when I called him less than two minutes after he called... he didn't' answer.. So I left a voice mail saying that I'd LOVE to do it and it would be a lot of fun! So what did he tell his friend? That I had left a message that he didn't want to listen to because it was some excuse about why I couldn't do the face painting...

But that... shit like that I can deal with. But the fact that he never answers his phone? It's grown tiresome and in the end... it hurts.. it hurts that when I need my father he's never there. I tried calling him ten times in the course of thirty minutes this past Friday. It's now Wednesday and he hasn't even called back to see what I needed... And when it came down to it.. I really really needed his help... I needed my dad and he didn't care enough to even see what it was... For all he knows, I could have been getting beat by someone.. or in the Hospital... But he still doesn't care to call back...

So, I'm hurt... It's pathetic that someone I haven't seen or talked to in over year is a better parent to me... She was there and ready to do anything she could to help... She has taken me in to her home and is treating me like her own daughter...

And where is he? At the bar next to my work.. Drinking every night... Ignoring me...

So.. I'm done... I'm going to write a note, leave him my phone... Tell him that when he's ready to prove to me that he can be a fucking father in my life that then... and only then will he get my new number. Even better? I'm going to leave it at the same bar he goes to every night... Because I know he'll be there to get it...

 

[Ahiru]

Where to begin, where to begin...

Everything is just... I don't know...

Things are much better now that I'm no longer with him. Things are, for the most part, less stressful. But, the stress is just there.. I'm caught up in a lot of drama that has nothing to do with me. But I'm a foolish girl who has a foolish crush... So I put myself there... in hopes that in the end it will turn out for the good on my side of things >_>;;

I'm just kind of going with the flow of everything. Working a lot, sleeping alot... Part of me is wicked depressed and I'm having trouble picking myself back up x_x But, I know that soon enough, I'll be okay again. Maybe.

Anyways, uhh.. yeah. Fun?

 

[Ahiru]

Things are going, well, they're going better to say the least. Getting things done at work, seeing friends more. Over all, just better.

I'm foolishly smitten still, but hey, I haven't been told not to be. I keep digging this hole though, hoping to find treasure somewhere withing its depths... Hmmm..

I don't really have much to say.. not a whole lot to be said... Perhaps I'll finally start roleplaying again~

 

[Ahiru]

Therefore, I shall pour out my soul.. I shall say everything I've wanted to say, yet at the same time nothing.. Because you'll never read it.

I hate you. I hate that you already moved on. I hate that I love you. I hate that I worry about you. I hate all the pain you've caused. I hate that no matter who I'm with I'm not happy. I hate myself for driving you away.... I hate it all.

I love you. I love the memories you've given me. I love that you used to actually care. I love that you were a great friend. I love everything about you, your smile, your voice. I love your personality. I just simply love you. I would even die for you.

I miss you. I miss your voice.. I miss our roleplays. I miss spending long evenings curled up in your arms...I miss the texts. I miss the love. I miss everything about you.

So don't you ever talk to me again. I despise that I miss and love you... I hate that no matter what the feelings remain. And I hate that you don't care... And then, I hate myself for hating you.

So I want you to just fade... Fade until you're nothing but a memory to me that isn't worth holding onto. Why?

Because maybe then this pain will finally go away.

Maybe then I'll stop loving you.

Maybe then I won't miss you.

Maybe then I can get over you.

Then I won't have to hate myself.

Then I won't have to hate you.

 

[Ahiru]

So... I sit here... With two sandwiches... vitamin waters just for you... But that's exactly it... I'm sitting here... Alone... I turned down all other plans just for you... And you didn't even bother to tell me it wasn't going to happen.... I was a fucking fool for thinking you still cared...

 

[Ahiru]

I want to be the only one left...

... When your day is done.

I don't know where to begin... I don't know where to end... I've had a lot of alone time as of late... and what I've learned about myself, I've also learned to hate.

I am a deeply broken person. I've been shattered time and time again. And I hate myself for letting it happen over and over again.

I want to go back... I long for the familiarity... the happiness... the love... I long for him. Deep down I very much love him still... the life we had... His smile... his touch... all of it.

And this love for him may never go away.

But I don't want to go back... I don't like what I've become because of it.... I don't like what the bad has turned me into.

In the end... I'm the best little rag doll anyone will ever know... I'll bend and break to one's every will and wish... My smile is the easiest mask to hide behind... I've become the perfect little doll...

I smile and nod.... I say all the right words... play all the right games...

Work.. family... friends... I just throw on my mask... be whatever it is that will make them happy... I can't help it.. It's the default mode I go into as of late.

But not with you... When I'm around you, my mask cracks... you see every emotion.... every thought... and it scares me...

I can't be your doll... I can't pretend everything is okay... I don't know how to play your games...

Yet here you are... You have dealt with me at some of my worst moments.... You have dealt with my brain vomits... and here you still are... you have not run...

Why?

I can't hide a damn thing from you. I feel strangely comfortable with you... and I don't like it.

I've fallen for you... and I don't like these feelings.

No.

That's a lie.

I like these feelings... I like this smile... I like the fact I find it hard to breathe around you.. I like that we have so much in common that it's almost scary...

But I'm scared... I fear that I'm bringing myself up only to come crashing down that much harder... Fuck it scares me.

Yet here I am... Scared as all hell... but here.

And here I will be until I hit the ground... or find you there to catch me...

I know I'm broken.... I know I have a lot of issues... but when I'm around you... I start to feel whole again...

In the end, I'm okay with where we are now... I'm okay with this friendship... I'm okay with all of it...

But I can't help it... I want more than that... I want to make you happy... I want to show you how special I find you to be...

I hope that some day you will give me that chance.

 

[Ahiru]

... I hate you...

 

[Ahiru]

My, my~

I have not been here in quite some time... What can I say~? Life tends to have its way with my attention every so often~

Oh, but I do miss roleplaying; the tales weaved with each person definitely gave my mind a place to escape to~ I'd very much like to start again~

So, I guess, I'm back then. Here's to finding some amazing stories to weave with some interesting partners~ <3