A guide to the insanity....

[ThomasRHellsing]

Hello, heh, this is the first time I've ever tried or bothered to keep a recollection of my thoughts, Dreams(?) hopes(?)..

Well, since this is the first time, I may as well give my practical issues out of the way. I suck at well life, I'm 21, nearly 22 haven't been employed in a year and some. I got fired from my last major job Wal-rt Christmas time last year worked for a family member for about 4 months, that ended a bit ago. Everyone in my family loves to call me a suicidal loser, only my sister and brother do it to my face however.

I've got clinical depression, and I'm Bi-polar. I also have a history of immune deficiency, horrible Asthma, and have a history of heart defects in my family.

So, I'm sure your wondering why I'm here, bitching and moaning like a pussy whose wasting his time. Well the simple truth is, I have a curse seemingly from the gods themselves. I want to screw a woman, no problem I can hook up have her walking home within a fucking hour.

However, I want a realistic, loving supporting friendship, I may as well be virgin at prom.

I have 2 women who I would love to see more as friends, I honestly feel liek I could love 2 of them in different ways. However who knows for sure, given my luck I will probably screw it up, but still worth a fucking try.

1st well let's call her Red. Red is a single mother with two kids, this woman is a barrel full of her own issues. Literally if I'm fucked up, she's a whole another level of screwed up. One of her kids is six, the other is nearly 2. I love the kids, not s my own, but I still pick them up and play with them. I flirt with Red and she admits she's interested but I wonder if she's interested in e or the fact I wont' hurt the kids. One of the kid's fathers the one she's married too she married at 14, she had her son at 17, the kid raises hell and she never really punishes him because of what was done to her s a id, however she loves him and the kid isn't that bad. The other one is still to young to have a personalty but she's a bit wild she loves her mother and I see both being handfuls but fun in their own ways. I enjoy talking with Red, but she started as a Se thing, and I honestly don't know if my feelings would grow stronger over time. She lives in a complicated situation because of her second baby daddy. He's currently in jail for various crimes.

She love the second baby daddy, but that sort of "I guess I still love him" love, that comes from someone you know you should hate. Someone whose pushed you so any god damn ties you only stay with them because it's easier to do that then separate from them.

So, if you boil me and Red down to our most basic level, she's waiting to give the prison an a chance ((Since he could possibly be getting out ext onth)) and if he goes back to his old ways ((No one thinks he won't)) then she'll give me a shot.

My problem with this comes from the fact she even said that. I wonder if I should be happy being second best.. I mean really shouldn't I have more pride and want to be first, instead of coming in second best to a former drug dealer?

The second woman I love, her name is well let's call her Meg. Meg is an amazing bright young woman. We originally R.P.ed for about three years, before she called me, and we talked. For about a year and a half we had a fun time going, and then she got back with her abusive ex, eventually she moved on, but I was never the same to her. She calls me a horrible person because I don't' remember things about her, not because I don't' want too, but because either she doesn't tell me, or because of multiple head wounds I can barely remember things. I feel bad when I don't' remember but it's like a computer with a busted hard drive remembering things that were told to me so long ago it's impossible. If I am in a store too long I can't remember which I drove to the store, I can remember some things, but they have to stand out for some reason. Something to carve them into my brain.

I'm sure your wondering why if one of the people who has known me the longest, who I've loved for a time but the feelings have never been returned supposedly thinks I'm a horrible person I haven't' just blown my brains out. Honestly I'm too big of a vindictive bitch to do that.

if I wanted to kill myself, I'd prefer a way that was quick, and clean, with my luck I'd end up brain dead or something. I feel that if my loved ones hate me so damned much they should shut the fuck up and deal with it. Odds are eventually during a particularly bad set of depression I'll finally ill myself ((Tried a dozen times in the past slitting y wrists O.D.ing on pills, electrocution, even hanging to name a few.)) but as I said I suck at everything but sex.

I'm sure if you've R.P.d with e this comes as a shock. I tend to be a dominant, and the reason for that is simple, nothing like sadism and control when your real life is anything but. I figure I'm a sane stable person, but along with my depression comes a need, a need that left a female friend with deep vaginal burns, a need to hurt people. A need to make them beg me for mercy. I'm not sure if it's sadism, or boredom, or both. Their are just times I look a kitten in the eyes and wonder how much force it would take to break it's neck, or how tight I can squeeze the bitch's throat before she gasps the safe word, how beautiful the bruises will be.

I'm sure this is rambling and I make no promises or guarantees that I'll upkeep it, or pay any grammatical attention to it. I'll try but I'm just sort of letting everything out, like cumming on a bit of street trash's face, when the blow she's giving you to take her to another side of town is done. Letting out all the thoughts in my mind letting out everything, whether this will clean my soul, or be used proof during some future trial I honestly don't' know.

I don't' expect every entree to be miserable if it is I'll probably get rid of it, or read back on it and grow the nuts to off myself.

Before I get comments about how I'm being emo, or suicide isn't the answer, I want to make my feelings on the subject clear.

Suicide is a cowards way out, barring two options, 1. Cancer patients things like that, people who are going to die the questions is whether they will do it in excruciating pain or without. I'm talking stage four nothing anybody can do Cancer. 2. It doesnt' fucking atter. If you've given up and just dont' give a fuck anymore. Cutting a life short is wrong, btu if that life's achieved al it can do, then fuck it. Might as well hit the reset button and start it over.

 

[ThomasRHellsing]

RE: A guide to the insanity....

Sometimes I wonder if I'm not some sort of fucked up Universal joke. Like the various gods, and goddesses got together, and decided, "Hey we're bored, let's make a funny mortal we can screw with for the next few decades, why not, just let's ll make him screwed over in all the ways we can think of, nothing bad enough to kill hi just enough to fuck him up and watch."

I say this, because every day I wake up it seems like the universe has some new joke at my expense. I get it, everybody feels that way at times, it's part of being alive. However sometimes I honestly wish the universe could combine it's focused stupidity on someone else hell anyone else.

Today, two of my room mates for massive checks in the mail from the government of course, like they'd do any work. Both of them lay on their asses all day, and yet when I try to work try to find a ob, I don't even get a call back from the local fucking burger joint.

So a combined total of over 4k, and what do I find out. I find out I'm probably not getting paid for a job I did awhile ago. A job I worked my ass off on and was forced to become overdraft in the bank to do. Which by the way means I could potentially do jail time, because I got crewed over, however to friends, one my own blood can't lend me a it of money. Says "That's probably the answer to all your problems, you'd piss someone off in prison and end up shanked within a week."

Speaking of shitty family and friends I'm more than a bit annoyed at my "Friends" as of late.

I believe your friends and your family are the most important thing in life. At the end of your day they are the ones at your back The ones who help you out, at least that used to be how it was. See my grandmother died early two years go, and before she did that's how it was. If I had an issue I could talk to her, if I had something I needed help with she was their. I could go to her for anything and she'd never laugh at me, or insult me.

However, now my family seem to be more interested in putting me down and insulting me behind my back then supporting or loving me. I'd almost say it was funny if not for the fact it hurts. the fact they feel the need to insult me, for no reason at all with them.

First it was my uncle, we've always been more casual family then "OMG this happened bah bah blah" family. However we're still family. to be fair he's the last surviving member of my Dad's side of the family and so I try to get along with him. Hell I'm the only one in my family who can stand him so I figured I was safe from his bitch fests. However recently I needed a hair cut and my uncle is a barber. So me and a female friend went by she was hanging out with me. My friend isn't unattractive however not only was she dressed in "chilling at the house" c;othes, but she's had three children and chases two around on a daily basis so doesn't' have as much time to take care of herself as she'd probably like. Everything was fine I got my hair cut and soon we'd left I assumed everything was okay.

A day or so later I find out he was bitching and insulting my friend, who he's talked too for maybe five minutes at most saying she seemed like a lesbian and needed to wear clothes that covered her stomach. I was pissed, but more that my uncle didn't' tell me his issues, and wondering where he got off cursing abotu a friend of mine.

Then came my step dad. Sites like Facebook and Myspace have caused alot of trouble for my friends and their families. I always figured with my "Not bullshitting" personality and my family's need to maintain a sort of "Outward appearance" that that would never happen to me, boy oh fucking boy was I wrong.

My step dad was angry at me, for some reason I'm still not sure of. Again I'll clarify this is a step dad, not blood, hell he met my Mom when I was already moved out of the house. He decides insulting me calling me among other things a "Punk ass kid bitch" on my facebook wall was appropriate. Now to put this in perspective, I use Facebook mostly for keeping in contact with highschool acquaintances. I log on for maybe five minutes every few weeks, unless I'm bored and looking for old friends to catch up with. I see the message thing click on it and see this rant t me, for no god damn reason.

So, then we get to my grandfather. He tries to be a good person he really does, but when he tries and motivates me, to do something I'm already doing he feels the need to rant and to rave and he ounce gain took it too fucking far. I am pissed off but used to his random three time a month rants.

Finally my mother comes into the picture. Now my om is different than most, as in I never depended on her. If I needed something done I'd take it to my grandmother, my Mom is a good person, but she's not the sort of person you ask for commitments fro. Hell the woman almost forgot my graduation.

I have a love hate relationship with my mother. However she is the most P.C. person in the world, while at the same time speaking her mind. She never tries to insult or offend anyone.

As I said, someone of my own blood lives with me, it's my brother who get's checks monthly from the government because of the passing of our father. My mother tends to take a majority of this because she figured it into her bills and blah blah blah. My brother has been staying with us for three months, and he approached her about giving her less of the Money. She replied simply, "Your brother doesn't' pay ay money to the house hold, so why should you?"

Now this pissed me off not only because it was true, I'm between jobs despite trying and as such am making no money. However, this comes fro the woman who had one job in my entire life time if you don't count raising me and my siblings ((Which as I've said I don't for her)) working at a clothing tore. While doing this she charged things so that on her payday, she OWED THE STORE 300$!!!

So, I'm currently on the outs with my family. So much for love and protection huh? They wonder why I get depressed and yet treat me like that. Hell that's not even figuring in the fact odds are I'll be homeless in July because the aunt/room mate I'm living with is having a conniption fit, because of my lack of luck getting a job.

Wow, writing a that down made me feel a bit worse. I'll continue my rant on how the gods seemed determined to amuse themselves at my suffering after I raid the liquor cabinet. To Be Continued

 

[ThomasRHellsing]

RE: A guide to the insanity....

Finally, I get to post a somewhat positive one of these. This one is more about recent events here on this sight, and how I feel about them. ((And nto the ones that got me banned from the chat.))

First of all, let me say this. I Role Play with my full heart, and will. I name my characters Thomas, because I won't forget them when I have a few hundred RP's going at the same time. Helps me have an outline for how they act. Their are in fact dozens of different character, with the same name. So, if you don't want to R.P, tell me why. Give me an idea of what's going on. I dont' ind doing something different most of the time.

Now, as many of you know, I'm a forgetful person. A bit of a spaz, and a bit confused at times. Because of this I like to keep P.M's and threads even after I've forgotten what they were for. I have something like 7 thousand and some odd messages. I had some from the very first day I'd started. Today I decided "Screw it, to much clutter' and cleaned out my crap. Oddly enough it felt a bit like being reborn like all my clutter, friend's I'd met and later who blocked me, people I made RP's with that are still going. The negative weighted the good, however, I just feel a bit freeer a bit less drowned down by people. I don't know I may be going crazier.

 

[ThomasRHellsing]

RE: A guide to the insanity....

Sometimes I hate life. I try I really do.

I know what your thinking, "Oh great more bitching", and yeah, this is my log, a guide to my insanity so deal with it. Recently one of my best friends got back from a vacation A friend who swore she could handle the real me a friend who begged me to show her the real me. Low and behold, she couldn't, just like a scary amount of the women in my life.

Meh, maybe I was born under a cursed star or something.

So, I lose one of my best friends, and it crushes my soul. Then that same day, I find out my best friend hung herself. Apparently she was knocked up and didn't want to deal with the repercussions, so she hung herself. I realized women are somewhat lying bitches.

Both said they would be their for e forever, any time I needed them, and then instead of being their for me, they both abandoned me to deal with my own issues. But that was when I realized something that I will probably be alone forever. I realized that everyone who claims to love, or support me is just a liar, never have any love or faith for anyone and I'd be better off. I realized either I'm that pathetic that no one can have my back, or I'm too good for them, but their is no point in feeling emotions when it involves women.

Then on top of the day of suck, I get permanently banned from the chat. ha, so that's three betrayals in one day, I owe it to the mods, they know when to kick a man when he's down, but whatever. In one day I get dumped by my two best friends, screamed at by ones mother for failing her daughter when she needed me most even though I knew nothing about her issues. Then get home and Pop, I'm banned from the chat.

The funniest thing, before I got the calls, I was honestly happy. I had been doing some computer work, and made a decent money. The person said they made be able to use me for a few weeks if I was interested. I guess it's karma, whenever I get happy the universe has to make me miserable.

Seems like I'd be used to it by now right?

 

[ThomasRHellsing]

RE: A guide to the insanity....

I've been having that feeling again, the one where my mood and such is a dam, holding back the crushing depression. I've been holding it back for awhile thank you ever clear and loratab mixed together. but I've know the damn was breaking alot of things.

I turned 24 on June 8th ((2014)) and nothing happened. No secret party, no lavish gift or harem girls. Just me, a year older, and still useless and a bit of a failure. No job, no money, and living on a roll and a prayer.

I am dating someone, two someones actually, two pretty attractive sisters. most would say it was weird, but some of their Moms boyfriends enjoyed their company so they don't mind that much. It says something about my life that that neither shocks or disgusts me. both are over 18 now, and so it's legal and fun and their both a bit fucked up in the head so we work well. Definitely more sex then some long lasting deep connection, but I do enjoy the twos company. Everyone I know has warned me its likely to implode in my face, and I will regret it, but does it really mater? Hell I could die of a heart attack tomorrow.

I dunno, honesty I'm tired, hungry and excruciatingly crushed feeling. I might add more tomorrow.