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I made plans to spend the day with her yesterday and specifically asked her to bring the collar. I don't mention training or anything else really for that matter, I just tell her that I'm kidnapping her for the day. We drive around for a little bit, talking about tons of different shit and just enjoying each other's company. We have lunch, do a little shopping, and finally head to the private place where we train.
I collar her, tie her to a bedpost with my leash, and tell her to lie down & stay while I use the restroom. I don't even need to go into the bathroom...I just need to look myself in the face and tell myself "You can do this. Let her go." I doggedly build my resolve and turn around to leave the bathroom and find myself immediately cracking. "I can't fucking do this..." I think. "I'm too selfish, I'm not strong enough, I don't want things to change."
I shake my head, now intent on training her normally and telling her that I'll never let her go before remembering the pain on her face and in her words from the last time we spoke about how guilty this makes her feel. I bite my lip and decide that the only way is to make her ask for release...to make her tell me "enough, I can't do this"...to hurt her enough that she uses our safe word. I leave the bathroom, untie her, and pull her into a standing position by her hair. She sees the look on my face and looks afraid. I ask her what's wrong and she says "You look really angry, did I do something wrong Master?"
I take pause for a moment, kiss her on the forehead, and tell her "No...now bend over." I'm not sure she believes me because she still looks afraid but of course she is a good girl for me and she complies. I ask her if she has any idea what I'm going to do to her, she says "No", and although it's obvious that I'm going to spank her, we both know there's more to it than that. So she's on all fours on the bed, ass up in the air like a good girl, and I slap her as hard as I possibly can. She yelps and grabs fistfuls of the sheets, but otherwise doesn't move. I lean forward and ask "Do you know what I'm going to do yet?" She simply says "No Master."
I hit her again as hard as I can and follow it up immediately with another blow to her ass. She continues to yelp in pain and even lets out a sob, but continues to stay still. I lean forward and bite her on the neck and ear before twisting her head by the hair to look at me. I can see that tears are streaming down her face, her mascara is running badly and she's biting her lip to try and not cry. I tell her "I'm going to make you use our safe word, pet. That's what this is. All you have to do is ask me to stop and we will stop. Do you understand?"
She nods fervently and says "Yes, Master."
I continue speaking while I pull her hair and spank her. "Do you want me to stop? Just ask me to fucking stop and I'll stop." I'm trying my hardest to convey the words that I can't speak...to tell her that I don't have the strength to end our D/s relationship unless she tells me she NEEDS it to stop. I know she knows what I mean and I tightly shut my eyes when she says "I won't Master, I can't. Please keep hitting me. I want you to punish me."
I stand up, so fucking angry that she won't tell me what I need to hear. I'm furious that I know what she needs and it's totally up to me to provide it for her, so I hit her again and again. She keeps her ass in the air while I hit her, but she buries her face in the bed and sobs openly, full-out crying while I hit her over and over again. I finally stop hitting her when I realize she won't break. I pull her up by her hair and get face to face with her so we can look into each other's eyes. "Say the fucking safety word. Tell me to stop. Tell me to let you go or I can't fucking do it."
She's already crying, but she throws her arms around me and just straight up starts to bawl. It's one of those full-lung, wordless sobs that takes your breath away and makes you feel like you've been punched in the stomach. My gut twists when I hear how much pain she's in and I actually let a few tears out myself. I squeeze her tightly in my arms and we just hold one another for a few wonderful, wordless minutes. Finally we pull away from one another and she says "I understand why you were trying to make me use the safe word, and I might have normally used it by now, but I just can't this time."
"Why?" is the only response I can muster.
"Because I don't want to lose you. I don't want to give up being your pet. I don't want you to stop being my Master...but at the same time...every time we train I feel guilty. I know my boyfriend wouldn't understand and would leave me. But there's more too..."
"Keep going please. I need to hear this." I say.
"It's just that...every time we train, it gets harder and harder to not want more. You are in a committed relationship. Even if I broke up with my boyfriend to be with you, you can't give me what I need. We have no future beyond this, my boyfriend and I do."
I nod my head, fully understanding her pain. There's no way I could live with myself if I didn't release her at this point, and I think she sees that realization on my face because she starts to sob again and throws her arms around me again and holds me close. I wrap my arms around her again too and hold her tight, just taking one last moment to steel my resolve and do what needs to be done. I stop hugging her and start to raise my hands towards her neck while her arms remain steadfastly around me. My hands begin to tremble uncontrollably and I move her hair out of the way in order to get to the clasp. I fumble with it, unable to keep still enough to take the collar off quickly.
Her sobbing continues and she shakes her head a little bit, almost as if to say "Don't do it Master...", but I continue. I pull the leather out of the end loop, pull the pin out of the belt hole, and slide the now-unfastened leather out of the clasp. I can't even help it at this point and tears are streaming down my own face. The weight of her collar seems unbelievable, and my arms simply fall down to my sides. I let the collar drop from my hand onto the floor and collapse onto my knees. She's by my side in an instant, holding me while we both shed tears.
We spent the rest of the day just kind of holding one another and talking. Some of it about random bullshit, most of it about us. We promised to not let this change who we are around one another...to still be really good friends, talk every day, hang out, and just be there. Parting ways for the night was hard, but not as hard at releasing her was. We spent another 10 minutes just hugging before I dropped her off at home for the night. The last words I said to her was "I love you, pet. No matter what, I'll always be here for you and I'll always be your Master at heart." She looked up at me and said with full confidence "I love you too Master, I'll always be your pet."
I drove home in silence, my heart feeling broken, but hopeful that we didn't lie to ourselves or one another. Hopeful that things will be the same for the most part. Praying that I'll always be in her life and she in mine. I woke up the next morning feeling numb. I laid in bed until the last possible moment, skipped breakfast, and just went straight into work. I felt like, maybe if I wrote this down it'll make me feel better. For the record, it has...at least a little bit. The numbness helps a lot with the pain, and I'm still holding out hope that we don't lose one another.
I collar her, tie her to a bedpost with my leash, and tell her to lie down & stay while I use the restroom. I don't even need to go into the bathroom...I just need to look myself in the face and tell myself "You can do this. Let her go." I doggedly build my resolve and turn around to leave the bathroom and find myself immediately cracking. "I can't fucking do this..." I think. "I'm too selfish, I'm not strong enough, I don't want things to change."
I shake my head, now intent on training her normally and telling her that I'll never let her go before remembering the pain on her face and in her words from the last time we spoke about how guilty this makes her feel. I bite my lip and decide that the only way is to make her ask for release...to make her tell me "enough, I can't do this"...to hurt her enough that she uses our safe word. I leave the bathroom, untie her, and pull her into a standing position by her hair. She sees the look on my face and looks afraid. I ask her what's wrong and she says "You look really angry, did I do something wrong Master?"
I take pause for a moment, kiss her on the forehead, and tell her "No...now bend over." I'm not sure she believes me because she still looks afraid but of course she is a good girl for me and she complies. I ask her if she has any idea what I'm going to do to her, she says "No", and although it's obvious that I'm going to spank her, we both know there's more to it than that. So she's on all fours on the bed, ass up in the air like a good girl, and I slap her as hard as I possibly can. She yelps and grabs fistfuls of the sheets, but otherwise doesn't move. I lean forward and ask "Do you know what I'm going to do yet?" She simply says "No Master."
I hit her again as hard as I can and follow it up immediately with another blow to her ass. She continues to yelp in pain and even lets out a sob, but continues to stay still. I lean forward and bite her on the neck and ear before twisting her head by the hair to look at me. I can see that tears are streaming down her face, her mascara is running badly and she's biting her lip to try and not cry. I tell her "I'm going to make you use our safe word, pet. That's what this is. All you have to do is ask me to stop and we will stop. Do you understand?"
She nods fervently and says "Yes, Master."
I continue speaking while I pull her hair and spank her. "Do you want me to stop? Just ask me to fucking stop and I'll stop." I'm trying my hardest to convey the words that I can't speak...to tell her that I don't have the strength to end our D/s relationship unless she tells me she NEEDS it to stop. I know she knows what I mean and I tightly shut my eyes when she says "I won't Master, I can't. Please keep hitting me. I want you to punish me."
I stand up, so fucking angry that she won't tell me what I need to hear. I'm furious that I know what she needs and it's totally up to me to provide it for her, so I hit her again and again. She keeps her ass in the air while I hit her, but she buries her face in the bed and sobs openly, full-out crying while I hit her over and over again. I finally stop hitting her when I realize she won't break. I pull her up by her hair and get face to face with her so we can look into each other's eyes. "Say the fucking safety word. Tell me to stop. Tell me to let you go or I can't fucking do it."
She's already crying, but she throws her arms around me and just straight up starts to bawl. It's one of those full-lung, wordless sobs that takes your breath away and makes you feel like you've been punched in the stomach. My gut twists when I hear how much pain she's in and I actually let a few tears out myself. I squeeze her tightly in my arms and we just hold one another for a few wonderful, wordless minutes. Finally we pull away from one another and she says "I understand why you were trying to make me use the safe word, and I might have normally used it by now, but I just can't this time."
"Why?" is the only response I can muster.
"Because I don't want to lose you. I don't want to give up being your pet. I don't want you to stop being my Master...but at the same time...every time we train I feel guilty. I know my boyfriend wouldn't understand and would leave me. But there's more too..."
"Keep going please. I need to hear this." I say.
"It's just that...every time we train, it gets harder and harder to not want more. You are in a committed relationship. Even if I broke up with my boyfriend to be with you, you can't give me what I need. We have no future beyond this, my boyfriend and I do."
I nod my head, fully understanding her pain. There's no way I could live with myself if I didn't release her at this point, and I think she sees that realization on my face because she starts to sob again and throws her arms around me again and holds me close. I wrap my arms around her again too and hold her tight, just taking one last moment to steel my resolve and do what needs to be done. I stop hugging her and start to raise my hands towards her neck while her arms remain steadfastly around me. My hands begin to tremble uncontrollably and I move her hair out of the way in order to get to the clasp. I fumble with it, unable to keep still enough to take the collar off quickly.
Her sobbing continues and she shakes her head a little bit, almost as if to say "Don't do it Master...", but I continue. I pull the leather out of the end loop, pull the pin out of the belt hole, and slide the now-unfastened leather out of the clasp. I can't even help it at this point and tears are streaming down my own face. The weight of her collar seems unbelievable, and my arms simply fall down to my sides. I let the collar drop from my hand onto the floor and collapse onto my knees. She's by my side in an instant, holding me while we both shed tears.
We spent the rest of the day just kind of holding one another and talking. Some of it about random bullshit, most of it about us. We promised to not let this change who we are around one another...to still be really good friends, talk every day, hang out, and just be there. Parting ways for the night was hard, but not as hard at releasing her was. We spent another 10 minutes just hugging before I dropped her off at home for the night. The last words I said to her was "I love you, pet. No matter what, I'll always be here for you and I'll always be your Master at heart." She looked up at me and said with full confidence "I love you too Master, I'll always be your pet."
I drove home in silence, my heart feeling broken, but hopeful that we didn't lie to ourselves or one another. Hopeful that things will be the same for the most part. Praying that I'll always be in her life and she in mine. I woke up the next morning feeling numb. I laid in bed until the last possible moment, skipped breakfast, and just went straight into work. I felt like, maybe if I wrote this down it'll make me feel better. For the record, it has...at least a little bit. The numbness helps a lot with the pain, and I'm still holding out hope that we don't lose one another.
