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Enter the Madness that is the Morbid Mind of a Jellybean

MorbidJellybean

MorbidJellybean

Planetoid
Joined
Dec 6, 2011
Location
in your nightmares
I'm new, not very many posts as you can see. I'm finding it rather difficult to integrate myself into the community. Not that is any reflection upon BM. None at all, I swear. I just find myself busy a lot of the time. Between school and work and my other creative projects, I rarely find myself online. I do enjoy, however, coming here to read people's journals. It gives me such insight into the minds of those who dwell here. Interesting reads, I tell you.

Moving on, I'm not sure if I should try to roleplay here or not. I find it unfair to those who would thread with me because of my disappearing acts. I'll mull it over sometime.

OH! I do want to rant about something that I just fucking find funny as shit. I read someone's journal at another site somewhere complaining about how someone from a different site copied them with a style. A holiday style. Really? You REALLY fucking think that you're the only person online that can put up a fucking holiday theme? Do you really think you're that fucking special? Now this person is a stupid, ugly fat cunt who is the biggest fake that I know and she hangs around with even bigger fakes online. Oh how perfect they all are for one another.

I laugh at them, I really do. They're so sad and pathetic. They put so much worth into something that's is just pointless images and junk online. So fucking what if a rival site has a holiday theme and so does yours.

I feel better. Rant ended. :]
 
This rant makes me smile. I feel like I know the person you are talking about but I since I don't, I won't make that assumption.

however. Yes. This. <3 All of it.
 
Feeling absolutely retched right now. My stomach is in knots and my heart is heavy. I had hurt someone I love deeply, someone who means so much to me. It is rare for me to have any one close to to me, one that I love being near, listening to and just being silly with.

The person I hurt is one of those rare ones. This isn't a romantic type of love. She is my best friend, though we only know one another online, we are closer than I have been close to any best friend I've had. I tend to be little closed off to new people, even people I've known all my life, because I have been burned by so many people.

Yes, I fear rejection. I hate having that loathing self hate and pity that comes along with other people's actions. I know that people as a whole are selfish, greedy little soul suckers. However there are those rare gems that are worth wading through the darkness to find. She is one of them, yet I am careless at times and have hurt her. I don't know what I can do, she isn't one for "Im sorries" and I understand that.

I'm sitting here, near tears, and I do not cry. Not since my father's death. Just wishing she'd call, or text or something.

Ah well..I guess I should just give her space and let her come back, then.
 
Oh JOY! Another Rant! In case you're wondering, don't expect very HAPPY journals from me. Because quite frankly, happy for me is nothing goes wrong and nothing happens. That is a "happy" day for me.

Now gather around for old Jellybean's rant story! The word of the day is TWATWAFFLE! Yes because that is what I had to fucking deal with today. While at work, a meaningless job that pays me next to nothing that I am truly worth, I get this text from this TWATWAFFLE trying to make me feel like shit for bumping him from his position in our school's club. I'm the head of it and there's a few others "under" me. We all have duties to do, yet during the holidays everyone sort of scattered, which was to be expected. Well, after the break, he was no where to be seen or heard from. And between classes and work, I have no time to hunt his lazy ass down.

So we all agreed to give him until the end of January to get his shit back together and what not, called and left a voice mail and everything. Well, it was like two days ago we removed him from the "staff" and filled his position with someone far more qualified. Wellllll Mister Sassy pants got all offended and proceeded to try to make it my fault and took no responsibility for telling us he wasn't going to be available for the activities in our club.

Yeah so from my last break until I got off from work, I was SHAKING with rage. Fucking twatwaffles!
 
THEY ARE! I'm surrounded by them! >[

Hahaha, Oh man I wish I could have. Sadly, I do enjoy the people I work with. They're sweet old ladies.


I am thinking about starting a "Take a photo a day" type thing for a year. I really enjoy photography, it's a passion I have. Mayhaps I shall. This morning's descent of moon over the freeway on my way to work was absolutely beautiful. And Tuesday's sunrise against the coming rain clouds was picturesque.
 
Today was...eh. My sister is getting married in 5 weeks. I'm her maid of honor and her other best friend, her matron of honor, is an annoying cunthole. It was a long day, after school for 8 hours, I went to see my sister who is a hairdresser. She did my hair for me again, tomorrow night is her bachorlette party. I know none of her friends really. They all live near the beach and I'm upland. Eh, its all good I suppose. Its forty bucks thou.. I'm like... eh I only have 50 in my account. Until the 20th. That's suppose to cover gas and food for a week. <.< Right. Not in this town. Fuck you L.A. Seriously.

At least our mom is getting us a limo. So I won't have to drive my P.O.S car that likes to fuck up on me. I'm worried about having to play babysitter to our mom and our stepmom... Oddly enough have the same first name just spelled differently. Go dad. lol. I'm not into the club scene, so I have next to nothing to wear tomorrow night. Plus I'm a fat bitch (Though I am happy announce that I have lost two pounds this month) so I'm not really comfortable with wearing sexy outfits. >.>

I am having one of my down moods. Nothing tastes good so I don't want to eat, nothing sounds good so I don't want to hear anything, everyone is annoying to me and I just want to tell them all to shove it.

I have issues with being away from my comfort zone for too long and I was gone from the moment I got out of class until about an hour ago. Which was about five hours. Five hours away from where I feel most comfortable at. It really fucked with my head. I don't like it, I know people will tell me to get over it and shit like that, but that's because they don't understand. My brain isn't connected like everyone else's. I have a real fear of telephones which makes life very difficult.

Anyways, I'm home and I have a three day weekend coming up. It'll be nice just to dwell in my little bubble for a while.
 
So I'm going to be terribly cliche and hop the video in journal bandwagon. >.>


This song.. This song just so much right now.
[video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Khvvg59CAs4[/video]
 
Its been a while.


Well, I had some ups but now I'm crashing and I'm crashing hard. I'm at my lowest again. And I haven't been this low in over ten years. Now what I say next isn't for anyone but myself. Maybe typing it in a public forum will shake me of it. So not pity me, get mad at me, or even PRETEND to give a rats ass about me.


I started cutting again. Something happened that triggered it. I won't speak of what. But its been triggered. I couldn't handle it so I went to the bathroom at work and with my box cutter that I use at work, start cutting again. The blade was dull so it didn't cut very deep. So when I got home from work, I took a bath then broke open a razor and took out the razors and cut some more. They're not deep for now, just stinging so I can forget what is really hurting me.

The pain from the cuts and while cutting distracts me from the pain in my chest. Watching the blood seep out slowly is like watching the darkness in my heart escape. There is no one to understand me anymore. No one to care.
 
-leaves love for Jelly-

I hope you feel better soon, hon. This isn't a pity message or anything, but a genuine want that you start to feel better and stop cutting.
 
Thanks Hahvoc. Its nice to hear and not be judged for it.

I've been in a better mood lately. At least today. Tomorrow is a different story. I haven't cut since that last entry. Its funny, I don't even have to hide the cuts, no one notices or if they do they don't ask. It shows just how much people in my life actually care about me and my well being. I guess I'm just a big fucking welcome mat there for them to wipe their shitty feet on.

Fucking. Feels. Fantastic.

If you cannot read the sarcasm in that, then you are retarded.
 
-leaves some love for MJB-


People suck, hon. =[ I already know I'd have slapped you by now if I saw the cuts on your arm and then hugged you.
 
8D Smack me harder baby, oooooh yeah! lol <3 A lot people just, I don't know, Its like they don't show they care about me even though they claim to. Itd be nice to see it once in a while, right?

I'm the type of person who throws themselves entirely into a relationship. Whether its friendship or romantic. When I'm someone's friend, I'm there for them always. Giving them whatever they need. I guess it gets me walked on quite a bit.
 
I love today's weather. It's cold and raining. I have not left the bed all day. I fucking love it. I do wish I had someone to snuggle with. That'll never happen. But its nice, curled up with my pup and working on a rather disturbed back story for a character. I've been working on him as I watch lame movies like "Hairspray". Its one of those rare good days. Perhaps I'll post the story here for all to read, though a lot of you may think I'm crazy for it.

:] I'm glad you do Hahvoc. I appreciate it greatly.
 
Thanks Havvy. I need it. I feel very alone right now. No matter how much I try to put myself out there, I just get ignored. Its very frustrating and annoying. I might just go walk in the rain.
 
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