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RoryN

RoryN

Star
Joined
Jan 7, 2011
Location
My heart is in Quebec
whjy yui sti ck inm mind?//
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(I'll just go ahead and post any future poems in these two threads I already made, so as not to clog things up)

Why can't I free my mind?
Like a sniper in hiding
At odd times, you dip your foot
In the pool of my consciousness
...and subconscious.

At work
A punky girl with rainbow hair
Checks out at my register
And suddenly I'm distracted
Thinking of your duel-colored locks.

At home in front of my desktop
You are inescapable.
Even when you haven't recently posted
My eyes automatically hunt for your ID
Devouring the parts of your life
That you're willing to disclose.

It has gotten to the point
Where as inebriation descends
If I am here
My drunken thoughts are surely on you.
Whether you've directly caught my attention
Or not.

Near the beginning,
I tried to choose the option
"Think of you less."
I no longer believe such a thing
Is possible for me.
 
Always, have I considered
Myself, a strong man
Especially in cyberspace.
Nothing touches me.
Not the frivolous drama
Of Strangers.
Not the petty insults
Of Nobodies.
At the end of the day
I abandon this world
Shut you off
And none of you
Are a part of my reality.

It's a weakness
Letting myself harbor feelings
For your ethereal presence.
You've carved a place
Of your own in my skin,
Inside my skull,
And your shadow falls over me
Even when the window is shut closed.

As much as it truly unnerves me
How close you have gotten
And how willing I have become,
In such a short time,
There is also excitement in it.
I revel in the tension
And turmoil you create.
Imagine.
Just a stranger on the internet.
Where do your powers come from?

Some evenings, I willingly plunge
Into the throat-burning liquid
Just to free myself from everything
That holds me back
And pushes me away from you.
Sober, my fear of you
And my ego
And my strength
Cripples my ability to open doors.
All I see are drawbacks,
Pitfalls that threaten the
Stability I've worked so hard to cultivate.

But you're someone I'd
Willingly breech the void for,
Taking chances on this
Stranger on the internet.
If I am a drowning man,
Then you are the waves
That could buoy me up.
 
Losing Grip

I have lost my mind
And it's all your fault.
Every hour
Reality shaves off
Pieces of itself
And scatters them
About me to curl
Abandoned at my feet.

Jealousy itches at my throat,
Shaming me for the possessiveness
I have no right to feel.
Then I find myself
Enamored and enchanted
By your bottomless heart;
Your willingness to teach
And reach out to another.

Ever grasping for disconnection
And blissful solitude,
I throw myself into work
Power and strength filling me again
As I finally breath in my element.
And then...
For no sane reason at all...
I find myself talking about sharks,
As if it were my interest alone
And not the one
Stolen from you
In stupidly vain hopes
Of getting closer to you.

I shy from such goals
Even as I let myself entertain
Their possibilities.
As I begin to convince myself
You could never truly want me anyway
It occurs to me
Insanity has me by the throat,
Since I wasn't supposed to care
In the first place.
 
What a fool I've been.
What the fuck was I thinking?
The tangles of my delusion
Are strangling me.
What once was a playful fantasy
Has now developed
Into a source of pain.

...where di d this hole come from?

It never should have gone this far.
At first, I comforted myself
With the thought that
It didn't matter what you thought.
The feelings were mine
And it made me feel good
To have this emotion;
It was not necessary for you
To reciprocate.
Feeling strong, invincible,
Keeping distant and safe.

Then it suddenly started to matter.
From the screen
Your probing words of wisdom
Kept me thoughtful;
Your lyrical heart
Made me hopeful.
I could be...
Something you'd need.

The safety of distance vanished
Leaving me exposed
Awake in a way I'd given up on,
Terrified in a way that felt alien
Out of place
When paired with the yearning.

Then guilt as I hid.
Playing a prince worthy of you
To make myself believe it,
Then flailing helplessly
As you searched me out
Seeking a reality.
"If you knew,
It would be over,
The dream would break
And we'd all wake up.
You'd only ever accept me as a dream."

It was your fault I couldn't tell you.
It was your fault we could never be.
I was a blameless victim
Until you proved to me
It wasn't a fear of you
That kept me from pursuing you further.
It was a fear of me...
That whatever rejection
You might eventually dole out
Would be what I deserved.

Why did I let it get serious?
...these feelings were mine.
Why couldn't that be enough?
 
I hear you.
Your words have breeched the divide
And found me in my hiding place.
Plunging into the watery depths
you cradle me in your foamy waves,
Depositing me safely on the shore

As selfish and narcissistc as i feel I've been,
thoughtlessly dragging you down with me
In the dark place i let myself go,
I cannot help feeling bolstered up and vailidated
by the fear and magnetism being returned.

I fled from you,
in my mind growing frther and further away;
if only I had turned around the
To find that you followed me
And never released my hand
or let me fall.
 
Goddess of Chaos

Adrenaline sears through my veins
Like white hot lightning,
Crackling through my core
And sending my heart galloping.
The internal battle has begun.

I cannot get enough of you
And the day ends on a greedy, surly note
When I am left without your words
To quiet the torments of the day.
Aching to connect.

Chaos rules my temperament,
Turning those around me
Into frightful children,
Walking on eggshells
Relieved to get a smile and good word.

I am eased by our recent exchanges
And "word caresses" and like a brother
Or father, I express pride and
Laid back joviality towards
My employees.

Then the tyrant in me awakens,
Feeling stressed by the silence
Time pressing in one me, stretching me thin
And keeping me involuntarily distant.
Like an addict, I fruitlessly rattle my cage.

"Better run, hide and despair,
All ye who dare enter my presence
When my daily Hahvoc dose
Is low."
 
An Ode to Hope

As much as I try to convince myself
My motives have been about hope
Or love
I have come to realize
I am defined by my greed and lust.
My desire for you and what you offer,
The chance to forget, to pretend,
To love someone normally,
To be loved as a human being
And not pitied for being a sick man;
It is an all-consuming drain,
Ravenous and destructive in my need to have,
And to hold something as sweet and delicate
As you.

I cannot have you.
And I mean that in the way that I "shouldn't"
Take you, despite the offered willingness to risk.
This is the leader in me speaking to you,
The responsible one, who denies the more
Primal features of my internal landscape.
It would be abhorrent for me to allow
Myself to partake
When the chances of hurting you
(and the likelyhood of it)
Are so high.
I've already let myself fall deep enough as it is
To the effect, that by the end of this
You would have been better off
Had I just heeded your advice
"To think of you less"
In the first place.
I am shamed by how I've brought you along
To this terrible place with me.

There were so many things I'd wished
For US.
For anyone who would dare feel something for me.
Spontaneous visits to brighten your day;
Flowers for no fucking reason
(cheap ones, but I know you'd neither care
Nor be insistent upon gifts at all);
Public kisses that no one would see;
Kisses to make others blush and hide their children's eyes;
Sitting across from you at dinner,
Watching your face aglow in candlelight,
Seeing your blue eyes spark with passion as you
Pour out your thoughts and opinions;
Shared moments of "almost caresses";
Jokes no one else would have but us two;
Being looked at like we're crazy for said jokes;
Touching you, exploring you, getting to know you
Inside and out;
Kissing you in a way that would floor you completely...

I've been cruel enough to you
By entertaining these fantasies.
I don't want to say goodbye...
So, I won't...
 
I'm not deluding myself
As if I'm "safe" and "smart" now.
As if I passed some sort of test
And came out with a decent score.
I dare not think for a second
That I'm above making mistakes
Or I'm passed all of that "learning" stuff now.
It is an ongoing effort.
Ever watchful, I keep myself in check,
Treasuring every moment of this
Second chance I've been blessed with,
Knowing how close I came to not being worthy of it.
All I can promise you isd that I will try.

Holding your hand
Means we're holding onto each other.
I will do my best to remember that
Before I ever think to just
"Let go".
 
I am the captain of this vessel,
Strong and proud,
My sense of adventure
Knows no bounds.

Looking about me,
To find I'm also it's only crew member.
Awareness clicks in
As I take in
The endless expanse around me.
An island to myself,
So small.

Storms hit,
Throwing me about,
Till finally my little boat and I
Are parted,
Leaving me floundering,
treading at the surface.

Neck deep in it,
Perspective vanishes even further,
As my limbs grow weary,
Intoxicated by the lull of the waves,
Tempted by the promise
Of oblivion.

There is a voice echoing from the depths.
Musical,
Lyrical,
Hauntingly beautiful.
As the music draws near
I can hear your song,
Something that touches my heart
And sings of tragedy
That I too feel.

There is movement to my right.
Something else has breeched the surface.
To my left, there it is again,
Ever more, your song
Pounds in my head,
Aching to draw the voice in
Draw it towards me.

A fin above the water
Sets my heart racing,
The Grim Reaper of the water depths
Come to destroy the one last comfort
I have.
Come to steal me
From the cradling embrace of the sea.
I panic and swim away, flailing in panic.

Then I stop.
Your song has changed.
Grown fainter now, singing of loneliness
I share.
Except now the song hurts,
Like ragged scales dragging
Across my flesh,
Or a hook being torn from my lips,
Being torn from you.

Turning, I face my certain demise,
If only to let your voice fill me again,
With that passionate melody,
Willing to face Death down
In order to be close to you.

The fin appears,
Surging closer, bearing down upon me.
Closing my eyes,
Bracing myself for the teeth,
The touch of smooth,
Gentle hands on my abdomen
underwater.

Opening them I see,
My shark was not a mindless beast
Hunting for blood,
But a maiden,
Her lower half embodied by the menacing fish.
I feel fear and awe, but see the same emotions
Reflected in your wild, untamed gaze.
An understanding and humility
Blossoms between us.

Holding me close to your womanly figure
You pull me under,
The panic exhilarating as we descend together.
But there is no real fear,
For I know I will not drown
In your arms.
 
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