RE: BD's journal(Of Love)
So, I'm back again, and despite my constant claiming that I WILL be active again, I keep flopping out of Bluemoon. I'm here again, licking my wounds and trying to desperately find people I can talk to, since the person that I had occupied myself with for the past few months barely wants anything to do with me. He says that he still wants to be their for me, but the thing is, I did something really stupid.
It all began three long years ago. Three long years ago I had terrible self esteem and I wanted to know what it felt like for people to stop and tell me how pretty I looked. I used someone elses photos for this time period, and I never admitted to that. It wasn't here or on my roleplaying site...No, I knew that there was a really high chance that I would fall for someone on roleplaying sites because I've always followed that pattern. So I was pretty sure I could distance myself from people on this site filled with what seemed to be..not my type.
So, here I was three years ago, basking in affection that wasn't mine, that was for the person I had impersonated. And I did it for a year or so before I stopped putting up pictures...because I had run out. And because I felt bad for lying to everyone. But, I still wanted to hold onto that username, that affection that didn't belong to me. I never told anyone that it wasn't me, I let them continue to think they knew what I looked like.
And then, I found him. Well, he had always been around. But that he, was a she at the time, and when he confessed that he wasn't really a she, well I didn't believe it. He had happened to come out on April Fools day, so I had went about a year not believing it. And then I asked him one day straight up if he was a girl. He answered no, and gave me a picture.
Okay, no big deal.
See, we had always been kind of together on the forums, but I had always bossed him around because it was a bit of a joke between the two of us, that I was superior because of my position on the mod ladder, and he was at the lowest point while I was one point away from being an admin. But, when I lost that position, and my life had been growing darker and darker, he stayed there for me, and defended me.
We grew tired of that site and moved onto the next, but we continued to be harassed. Especially because, it was common knowledge that at this point we had gotten together. I didn't want to at first...I knew that he thought I was someone that I wasn't, but I still didn't have the balls to end my three year lie....and confess she wasn't me. He was in the same position I had been, as a mod, but they had removed him from that just like they did to me. And we finally got sick of the drama, the bullshit, and left together.
He had bought me an Xbox at this point, and all we did was play Halo together, but sometimes we stopped playing and just talked for hours, and then it slowly transitioned form Xbox live to over the phone. The relationship became more serious, as I fell deeper and deeper in love with this man, knowing that I couldn't be with him because I couldn't end this lie...I fought with myself over it in the course of this three months we were dating. He loved what I looked like, and it killed me inside knowing that he probably wouldn't be into what I really looked like.
Then one day we talked about secrets, and he told me something he had never told anyone else in his life. And then said he didn't deserve me because he was a liar. A terrible person. And I laughed and told him that I had done something far worse than he did, in terms of lying. See, I had always felt a connection with him because he had done what I did, and pretended to be someone else that he wasn't, he just never shared any pictures like I did. So when he convinced me to tell him that deep dark secret of mine, the one that tortured my conscious for the past three years...the one that warped my sense of who I really was...what reality I lived in, I knew at this point I was tired. I was tired of lying and watching my back. I was tired of hurting the one I loved.
He promised me that no matter what it was that he wouldn't leave me. I told him it was possible that this would make or break our relationship. He still told me that he would never leave me. No matter what he loved me. And I broke...I told him everything. He laughed and said it was no big deal. But, deep down I knew.....
That night was fine, we fell asleep happy together. But the next day...something was off...and he started apologizing to me and he told me that he was a bad person. This was after I gave him a picture of what I really looked like, and he was silent...that was when I really knew something was wrong.
I didn't expect to be rewarded for my lying. I wanted him to be mad. But he kept blaming himself and saying that he was horrible. He blamed himself, and he's still doing it. He was trying to stay with me, he didn't want to admit to himself that he was shallow. Then, after a very long night, I asked him if he would stay with me or not. He kept saying I don't know. But I forced him to pick. He said we were over.
And here I am now...
I am used to being rejected or ignored because of my appearance. I stopped going on fetlife and posting pictures here because I always felt that I was inferior to all the other beautiful woman. I told myself I wouldn't do it anymore until I dropped my weight and grew out my hair(which is going very well by the way). Then I could finally be what I always wanted to be.. noticeable to the opposite gender.
...And now I have managed to convince myself that if I do these things, I can face him with pride and maybe we'd have a chance together again.
I had gone so many years watching people that I had feelings for choose someone much thinner, sexier, and generally better than me. I was always freinds zoned, and I had settled for a lot of things in my life after I lost my virginity. I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore this year. I don't want to have sex with just anyone who will show me affection.
It's time that I start respecting myself, and I am working on getting my body to wear it deserves to be. Because I know that who I really am, isn't what I see in the mirror.
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