Fixitfixitfixitfixit

[Devilish Gambler]

My mindscape is different from yours.

Because there are things fighting for control.

Things tht I don't think I can control.

I've stopped hitting the a key as hard as I should lately. I had to go back and hit it a bunch of times. Maybe I should start with what my mind scape looks like. This is called my Sacred Space, It's a place in my head that I will always remember.

It's a circular field, with mountains at the edges, creating a perfectly circular valley. In the middle of the valley is a set of stairs, as if someone had dug them out, then replanted the grass and let it grow. If I walk down the stairway, I'll come to a cavern. The walls are all smooth, except the pillar jutting from the roof , down into the water.

I always jumped, diving right into the water. The bottom is as smooth as the rest of the cave, and in the middle of the room there is a tunnel that goes on for a while.

The tunnel emerges into a hidden cave. Once, it was a grotto, with a hole big enough for the moon to shine through. Now this area is infested with a spider that looks like someone tore a chunk out of the sky. It just watches me as I float, wondering and pondering him, our eyes locking for long periods of time.


I've given names to my emotions. It's funny, Makes me feel a little more crazy and I do like that feeling.

Slade is my anger. He's ever present, standing over my shoulder, watching as I type, whispering thoughts into my head. I agree with him alot, his views are my views, he's the part of me who was always there. Told me to be angry when my father told me we couldn't take Max along. Told me to be angry whenever something didn't go my way. Told me to act like my father, to emulate him in every way I could.

He's the part of me that wanted to be like my dad.

Then there is Tavrin and Salael. Tavrin was my muse. Is my muse. She showed up when I was young and told me to read. When I found out about the internet? She helped me stumble upon the Neopets boards. She drove me to write and push my limits as far as I could. She also pushed me to make some friends, to learn how to draw, to keep pushing me even when I didn't want to move.

Salael is a more recent part of me, who was probably always there even when I didn't know it. She's a snake, my Spirit Guide. She coils around me and tells me to cry when i need to. SHe bit me twice upon meeting me, I was kind of surprised but I probably deserved it. I saw her but made no movements to acknowledge her.

Ocassionally Thomas will show up. I don't know if I named my sadness after my Middle name or my Great Grandfather, but that's his name. Ocassionally he'll bitch slap me upside the head and tell me to cry. I need to cry alot, I used to do it alot when I was a kid, but now I don't, and maybe what I need is to cry. Go somewhere quiet and just have a break down. I'm sure it would be good for me to be perfectly honest.

I just wish the fighting would stop. I wish Slade wasn't always winning. Wish Tavrin could push me into things more. Wish Thomas would just kick my ass already.

Sometimes I wish I'd just lose my head, and just spaz the fuck out. Curl up into a ball and bawl my eyes out.

 

[darkangel76]

Crying is so cathartic, both literally and otherwise. Perhaps you should just let go and allow those tears to spill. No one will think less of you for that, that's for sure. And if they do? Heh! Then they're just not being honest with themselves.

Anyway, it's interesting that you've personified your major emotions. I can see how that might help you try to understand them and the like. I do hope you're able to find those common grounds with them all. Letting the ones shine that need to and gaining control over the ones that might need some reining in.

So.... here's to all that. And I wish you luck.

 

[Devilish Gambler]

I find it easier to deal with things when I personify them. For the longest time one of my characters, Numbatwe, was my anger, until I made him into a character, who I changed... radically. He's not an angry beast anymore, to say the least.

I tried to do the same thing wit Slade, and sort of completely failed, probably because he's not so much a character as he is a split personality, on the character who is the most like me out of the whole lot. Not very smart on my part I suppose.

It's hard to get a reign on my own emotions, especially when it takes so much effort for me to do so.

I mean, the other day I basically pissed off Vicodin, BD AND Hahvoc for /no/ reason. I seriously don't know why I was in such a bad mood but it was so palpable that I didn't even /think/ of pulling myself out of it.

Maybe I should personify my defensiveness so I can beat her into bloody pulp or something. I get defensive pretty quickly. Most of my life i've been told by one person or another that something I like sucks, so I tend to give anyone who says so a big "FUCK YOU" about it. Alot of my problems stem from my father, and this is one of the many that do.

I've always taken alot of pride in the things I like, but never anything I do. I defend games, movies, books, music and the like as though i'd made them myself. In fact, if you told me something along the lines of "Ps3 is better than Xbox 360" I'd probably burn your eyebrows off with my hate, it's really that bad. ALot of the things i do, I always second guess, and I generaly feel like it's not good enough.

I'm pretty insecure, overall. I mean, even when i'm fighting something that i'm i90% sure about, 10% of me is telling me that i'm wrong nd that I should shut tup. I mean, the incident with GP and Lacey, I felt like I was doing something wrong even though Lace was being a complete cunting whore.

I guess that's all I have to say for now.

 

[darkangel76]

Maybe personifying your defenses would indeed be a good thing. Who knows... the only way to know is to try and then see what happens. After all, if it doesn't, you're no worse off than you are at present in having to face them and work with them.

I understand insecurity and have had my own share of problems growing up. Yes, they differ from yours, but they were problems nonetheless. It's interesting how different people process and cope with various things. All we can do as adults is try to take a step back and analyze and then be proactive about fixing things or working on things if it's needed.

EEEP! DG... I'd refrain from name calling and pointing fingers and such. That sort of thing doesn't typically help and can sometimes cause more issues for you down the line. Just a friendly suggestion.

Glad to see you doing this though. I'm proud of you.

 

[Devilish Gambler]

To be perfectly honest, I don't care. Lacey and her Mods are so biased and retarded that they pretty much deserve every ounce of rage that I could possibly throw at them.

Well this is sort of like my own therap-whteveric box here I guess. I get to talk about myself and not feel like a tool for it.

I'm sort of irritated at my brother because apparently I was tearing our "Family" apart, and i was being selfish because I was looking to the past to find out where I screwed up, where things were bad for me and how I need to fix or tweak things in myself. I mean, He's my brother yet I hate him with a rage that makes the Angry Marines look like pussies. It's not even an outright, flagrant ire that drives me to hurt people. It's a cold, seething rage that makes each word I speak towards him feel like venom.

I think I need to learn how to take compliments better too, because whenever someone says something to me (Like BD telling me I was cute >.>) I tend to disagree with them in any way that I can.

 

[darkangel76]

Well, disagreeing with a compliment is probably one of the most common things people do. Sometimes I think people do it because they are secretly loving the attention but afraid to come off as such and therefore disagree to 1) get more compliments and 2) to get reassurances. And then there are times where it's pretty clear that the person is honestly uncomfortable getting compliments. You definitely fall as the second there. Though, I have to agree with BD. You are cute! Embrace it! lol. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I'm sorry to hear about the family nonsense. Maybe you can talk to your mother? I'm not sure of the dynamic you have with them all, but there has to be someone you can turn to. If not, maybe an extended relative? Hell, even a close family friend? Again, not sure of the situation, just throwing out options as they come to me. But anyway, regardless of what anyone says, it's good that you're digging into your past to sort of see where things started to change for you, where your reactions and outlook on life changed, etc. I think that could be helpful for you on some, if not several, levels. Keep at it. And maybe one day you and your brother can get along too. You never know.............

 

[Star Pupil]

Eh, you didn't piss me off. It takes a lot to piss me off.

Sure, I didn't particularly enjoy that day, and I did feel bad for the way that day ended. But I don't enjoy avoiding people and being awkward around them because I refuse to talk to them.

Its the internet. Everyone has issues. As long as the people who realized they've done something wrong feel sorry for it, I don't see the point in holding grudges.

Keep up the writing in the journal, sometimes it can help even if there is no one that listens to it.

 

[Devilish Gambler]

Yeah well apparently i'm not allowed to express my distaste at being complimented now. I really do have a problem with it, maybe i'm just better at taking insults because I know how to react.

Father: I'm a bit scared of him, he helps me out now but when I was younger, he didn't really give a shit wht happened to me unless it had to do with how people saw him.

Mother: We're at odds alot of the time. She's alot like me, so when I air any grievances of mine towards her, she won't admit she's wrong, or she just rolls her eyes at me.

Robert: He seems to believe that i'm the worst piece of shit ever, and he's pretty much a hypocrite. He'll never forgive me for something I did when we were kids, which I would not like to talk about because it's personal and involved my immediate family, and then calls me a fucking idiot because I "Don't let go of the past"

Matthew:.... He makes fun of me alot and he doesn't know when to shut his face. He's the "Joker" of us three but he doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. We get along ocassionally.

Stepmother: She made it clear to a ten year old me that I was not her child and that she does not care about me. The only reason she /ever/ did anything for me was because of my father.

Uncle Jimmy: He understands that being a kid and growing up is hard and he's pretty nice. He gets my dad can be a hard ass.

Grandfather: He actually really believes in me, but I can't really talk to him about my dad. I don't know why but I don't really feel good talking to him about family problems...

Grandmother: Same thing as my Grandfather really, except she actually gets me to do things, and usually tries to talk to me sometimes. She's more of a parent than my dad is really.

Aunt Natasha: ONce upon a time I was staying at her house, helping my nan (Grandmother) with Annemieka (Cousin) who was 3 at the time. My dad came over witha roast and it was in a bag, becauseof the the juices, but the bag had a leak in it. I tried to carry it into the kitchen, and ended up getting a bit of juice onto the white carpet (Who the fuck has a baby and a white crpet?) and she went fucking POSTAL on me.I think I was like, 14 or 15 at the time.

As you can see, most of my family haven't exactly been positive influences, especially when the first memories that come to mind with them are bad ones.

I haven't lived in one spot long enough to get any positive adult, or even same aged, influences in my life. After I moved away from Guelph, I just gave up on making friends. In fact, I started to vehemently push them away because i didn't feel like crying anymore. Actually, I got so used to moving that I didn't cry or make a big deal of it.


I just said "I'm moving, whatever" and that was it. No tears, no pleading not to move, nothing. It wasn't until I was 16 that I tried to fight moving by getting a job at a gas station, but i was young and immature, so that plan sort of failed outright.

Oh, wow, that's alot i've written there. I guess I'll take a break for now.

 

[Devilish Gambler]

-Sighs- Alright, i'm getting sick of this.

I just can't really explain anything, not without being called childish.

So apparently, because I was insulted in school and because I don't take insults anymore without being defensive, I'm childish. I hate being insulted, someone insults me, I fucking insult them back. I don't care if it escalates until I get banned, I will continue it because i'm sick to fucking death of being insulted for making jokes. Apparently a joke about Southern US'ers being pansies because they don't handle cold weather very well is grounds for me to be made fun of. Right, because it's not obvious that it's a motherfucking joke. I'm CANADIAN. I make fun of AMERICAN'S all the time. I'm obviously joking.

I'm not going to end anything someone else starts. They start it, I finish it, that's all there is to say on the fucking matter.