Chaotic Ramblings

[Notte]

From the outside everything seems fine, inside my mind it's only chaos that is left behind. Feel things haunting me and my dreams, for a moment I only wish to believe that you are lying by my side, but why are there still lies inside? I breathe the hate in, let it out, drowning in a hole that I can't get out. Locking it in so no one sees, I feel safe, but I know that this is killing me. Stitch the wound with needle and thread, I won't grieve until I am dead. One day, maybe, I will get the strength to leave.

I just want to see that smile and feel my spirits lift high. Cause when I'm like this, I die inside, a broken heart that can never mend. Yet each night it is this broken love I send. I need to find the way to say goodbye and dry the tears that sting my eyes. You slapped the truth across my face to make me see, but I don't listen because I am going to be what I have to be. You can't see what I want or where I stand and I fail miserably with my face hidden behind bloodied hands. These sins I carry are only mine. Stuck in this place, so alone, obtaining non existent sleep. I walk around in circles, remembering my only mental defeat, etching the words into my deepest memories. I can't take back those screams, there written into me. A twisted perception of what I am, who I'll be, cast this aside as another forgotten memory. I can never let you be or see me because I feel this broken. How dare you believe in a soul that isn't a saint.

These words rain down like bullets, each shot knocking me five steps back. Yet you, you had the gift of something special, ones like you are hard to find. To me you are so wonderfully different, there will never be one the same. I appreciate all you do for me, and all the times you've made me laugh. I took you in, had you under my skin, a fallen star beautiful within. No longer can I be yours, feel love not hate for me; think of my happy, think of me free. The one I want is one and the same. I thank you for being apart of my life.

 

[Notte]

I don't know how many of you have seen the movie "Letters to Juliet", but this quote was taken from that movie.

Dear Claire,

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will.

All my love, Juliet

I don't know how many of you have seen the movie "Practical Magic", but this quote was taken from that movie.

Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon.

I don't know why I think this, any of it at all, but my heart feels so terribly heavy. Honestly, at times, I am left in tears (and yes, I know that this may take away from the image everyone portrays of me, but I am still human, aren't I?). I want so much to trust, and it isn't that I doubt persay, but I am still filled with fear. Fear that the past will come back to haunt me. I have been told not to look to close or that I will pick it apart and only hurt myself. I know this is the truth and yet I cannot seem to stop, this man... he owns me. For years, he has owned me heart and soul. That makes the person who I am now so terribly afraid, this foreign feeling that escaped me long ago makes my heart beat to a new rhythm and it makes me feel out of control.

I don't know if I have courage. I don't know if I am as strong as everyone believes me to be. I love him, I've always loved him, and I want us to work this time. We found each other again, after so many years, and we still feel the same way about each other. Yes, of course that history will always be there, but I want us to learn from it and grow from it. No more "what ifs", no more worry. I want to be able to seize it and love him to the fullest of my abilities, because I believe that if it hadn't stopped after so many years, then it never will and that is true to me. I want to have that hope that it can work. I want to be like Claire and seize it and run head long into it, even after all of these years. I wouldn't care if I left my loved ones here, I wouldn't mind crossing that ocean and I would do it happily if he is my destination.

All of these years that had gone by without him, I have felt that hole inside of me, I have felt that emptiness that burned everything. "I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen." He makes me feel this whole, even being hundreds of thousands of miles away. Almost six years it has been since we have been together, six terribly long years, and he found me again. He wanted me again. Yet when we talk, it doesn't feel like talking and I don't know how to change this.

I am... lost.

 

[Notte]

The say the strong prey on the weak, but when the time calls for it, the weak prey on the strong. I remember when I used to just stare up at the sky, back then; I really thought I was free to go anywhere I wanted. Yet, I never realized that there was an iron fence holding me back. By the time I finally noticed, my dream had died and the world belonged to someone else. Every day my share of space got smaller and smaller, and the fences surrounding me climbed higher and higher. It seemed like before I even learned how to crawl, I knew I never had the strength to fly. I knew I’d only see the sky through the links in the fence. That’s why I will keep running, even if I can’t reach the sky. Why do I run? Because it beats standing still.