Hello everyone who is reading this. I decided to make a roleplay and personal journal. My purple font will be my person journal. Green will be my roleplay color. So if you are roleplaying with me just look for green font for updates.
--- August 3, 2011 ---
Since this is a intro to my journal let me tell you a bit of who I am. I am 20 years old (soon to be 21 yay!). I am an actual submissive, I also been a slave/pet (since I act like a cat a lot -_-). But that is a whole different story.
I am currently out of school for a year because of some mix ups with the University I plan on attending. I am actually very upset about this, I love school and always had (I hate math though...). That is why I have plans on becoming a teacher. An English teacher to be exact, may be hard to believe at times. (I know my roleplaying skills aren't the best), but when I have full control of a plot and charters I tend to write extremely well. :]
I actually very timid which has been something I have been trying to change but I guess being shy is just part of my personality. But when I get to know someone I am known as a total goofball. :]
For hobbies, I play video games, watch anime, write/roleplay, and I dance. :O
So that is a super quick summary of who I am.
~~
Lately I've been so pissed about my job. My days got cut to only two days a week. I work in a office and I am the youngest one there. My boss thinks I am stupid because of my age, and I only got hired because my aunt works there. But my aunt is a evil bitch, I really didn't know until I started working with her. There is no other way to put it. She back-stabs me constantly! (I'm pretty sure she is the reason why my boss hates me...) So I need to get out of there, and find a new job. But it is so hard to find a job...
Today I got an unexpected phone call from my ex best friend. He has been my best friend since freshmen year of high school but fell into the nasty path of drugs. I stopped talking to him for almost a year it was too much to see my friend suffering. He didn't want to quit. I tried to get him help but he was too stubborn. He got really bad to the point you couldn't understand him and he became anorexic. He couldn't even wear a girls' size 0! But anyways... today he called me up and said he missed our friendship. I am very wary... but I do miss him. (By the way there is no love or anything like that involved. He is gay). He said that he ODed and nearly died and it was a big wake up call. I am hopeful I will get my friend back, but I don't know trust him what so ever. I am not interested in the drama he may bring.
There is actually a lot on my mind. But I feel as if it would be too personal to put... I just wish things could be different in my life. :/
To everyone I am roleplaying with. PMs and threads. You may see me online a lot it is because I leave my laptop on. I am NOT ignoring you. I have a cousin over for a few days so I've been busy getting distracted by her. And I'm so stressed out, I feel brain dead. So the only thing I ask for is to please be patience. I am replying.
Just a heads up. I don't think my internet was paid for. It should be taken care of quickly. I have a smart phone so I'm able to use that for a wifi connection for my laptop but it only works when it wants to -.- There shouldn't be any delay in roleplay but just in case now you know. :] Better be safe than sorry.
The other day I was watching TV and heard a quote, "Everyone has a story they want to tell". Why did I think about it so deeply? I have no idea. But, it made me think, what would my story be?
My story would be a story I never been able to tell anyone. Not even one soul. Why would I post it on here then? Why the hell not? I want to tell someone... anyone.
I am a submissive as I said above. Would you believe me if I said I always knew? Even at a young(er) age, I knew I had a sexual appetite. I also had a fascination with rape ever since I figured out what it was, but I quickly learned it wasn't rape I liked. But more the force, I wanted to be completely helpless. I was deeply embarrassed by my fetishes but I always found cures online. That was when I discovered M/s. If I talked to my friends about it, they thought I was crazy. They thought I was sick, gross, twisted, a pervert. So I learned to keep it from myself.
I later found out that one of the dominate roleplayers actually was the same age as me and lived in the same state. We talked on the phone and online for about a year and decided to finally meet. Probably one the the best and worse things I have done in my life.
I met him and we instantly kicked it off. After a few days of meeting he came to me with a collar. I was so flushed and embarrassed I couldn't even put it on me. So he did it, and sealed the promise with a kiss. That day I gave him all of me. I treated him with the utmost respect and love. And I received the same.
I will never forget the lust and passion I felt. With even a slight pull of my collar or even just to whisper, "Master" sent a breathtaking chill down my spine. I wanted it and I needed it. This was the time when I realized what I really was. What I truly longed for. I had never felt so alive in my life.
After realizing this, I did non-stop research on M/s and BDSM. I was growing obsessive; it was the only thing I could think about. I wanted to live with him and be his slave. (I always hated the word slave... especially when you willingly submit). But of course if everything worked out, it would be too perfect.
As time went by, we were talking about more serious things in our relationship. Like living together, what to tell our parents (we were both over 18 during this time), and he always gave me the answers I wanted. They seemed true and faithful. And he was my Master, so I trusted him completely.
Well I guess I trusted him too much, after about six months in our relationship, I started to get pushed away. Of course being a submissive I blamed myself, I figured maybe I did something to upset my Master. But I wasn't one to make mistakes when it came to my Master's orders. Of course we still had our slight vanilla relationship and he claimed that was what he was worried about. Our future careers supposedly wouldn't mesh, and something about us not liking the same music or something. Bottom line a bunch of bullshit. I knew it, I might be a submissive but I was FAR from stupid.
So he basically broke up with me. He left me with zero closure and completely broken. I really wish he would of ended it suddenly than dragging it out. I later found out I was replaced by a new girl... a new submissive.... It was such a slap in the face, I couldn't believe it. I didn't do anything wrong!
Things with this girl ended quickly. Very quickly. Turned out she wasn't a real submissive. Maybe she thought she was one or was just doing it for fun. But I was living it for the lifestyle. Few years went by I still miss the feeling he gave me. I never been able to have that feeling again with anyone.
The only thing I can thank him for showing me my other side. But because of situations in my life, I can no longer feed my other side. That is why I am so grateful for roleplay. It may not be the same but it definitively helps.
So since he roleplayed you never know he could be on bluemoon. So if you are reading this…
I'm sooooooooooo sorry everyone who I've been rping with or talking to. My mom has been in and out of the hospital and I've been taking care of her. I will be replying tonight. But I could possibly disappear randomly for a while if my mom becomes unstable.
►I feel so bad for taking so long to reply to everyone. I have been so stressed out taking care of my mom and suddenly working full time now. When I get home I feel completely dead. And my mom isn't doing to well atm. So I'm going crazy. I am hoping after tomorrow things will get better with replies and such. Even when I have time, my brain is on 'duh; mode -_-; I'll do my best to catch up. If you have any questions or concerns PM me. Thank you and sorry for any inconvenience.◄
This weekend I have my cousin coming over. He has a broken ankle so I'll be pretty home-bound but, if roleplays are long I will probably not be replying much >.<; talk about awkward. Also for the people I've been roleplaying with for awhile. If you noticed my pattern in posts changing in the last month, I'm sorry. I have been working full time lately to help pay for school. I get home, and I feel like a zombie. Where did my creativity go? D;
September 20, 2011 Viewed Crazy by Many and Unique by Some.
(An "abstract" view.)
Everyone has deep secrets it could be a memory, a desire, a dream, even a wish. Sometimes our secrets can show us a part of ourselves we never wished to see. What if what you truly believe is wrong? A demon will trick you by appearing as an angel. How do you know what is wrong or right? You find out when it is already too late.
There was a day when I discovered a part of me I never wish to see again. There is evil lingering in everyone’s heart, sometimes that evil takes advantage of a situation. It was dark and gloomy when it happened. The day seemed like any other. Yet something very important was taken from me. It was when I discovered the hurt of betrayal. A love story? No, something much deeper than that. I taught you how to see the world and this is how you repay me? I remember everything seemed even darker; a pain in my chest, a rage burning in me, and that is when I knew what had happened. You stole something that did not belong to you. Was it my heart? No not even close. Even something more important. Something I needed to be me. Something replaced what was taken. It was evil and it was the only thing that could fill the void. I searched for answers and received little to none. Nothing was clear anymore at that point, I was lost and alone.
Over time I found ways to help myself and how to retrieve what was taken from me. But it isn’t the same. It will never be the same. If I told you what it was… you wouldn’t believe me. You would think that I am crazy.
(P.S.You may have noticed I deleted my journals from above. Why? Reasons. )
6 more days until my birthday!!!
Viola
So yeah. I’m replying and all that but if you have not received a reply from me and it has been more than a few days let me know. I’m asking because I am waiting for some replies and I don’t know if they got deleted by chance. Also I would like to say this weekend and the next I will not be that active.
First off I want to talk about my Birthday. It was a lot of fun!! Even though it was on a Monday I was able to go out to my favorite restaurant get a few drinks, go home and drink some more! I kept felt like I was doing something wrong. Even with my drink at the restaurant, I felt like I was doing something illegal. >.< Also I know it is weird because I really don't look my age at all. Lol I swear I have not looked any older than from when I was 16 and I have a voice of a little girl so I am worried they will think my ID is fake or something D; . This Saturday I’ll be out partying and I can’t wait to go out to the city and have some fun! <3
On other note, I really need to vent. So I get a birthday card in the mail today from someone I’ve been trying to avoid! It was some mushy love letter that was full of lies. It did not make me happy, it disgusted me. You think you know me so well but you don’t. You don’t know what love is. You don’t even mean a word that you said. You think you have me figured out? Well I have you figured out. How many times did I say nicely it was over? How many times did I say rudely it was over? How many times did I tell you it was time to give up? You are a selfish jerk who I never would want to be with.
So I never said anything about my card even though you texted me. Then you tell me you have a gun to your forehead. I’m not an immature 13 year old, you are not going to get my pity. If you kill yourself you are only taking the easy way out in life. You have one life so live it. Also why would you lie about attempting to kill yourself when you know what I’m capable of? I would know the moment you took your life. Why are you so hung up on me? It is because I dealt with your crap for such a long time? Is it because I showed you some truth to this world? Is it because I showed you my wings? Doesn’t matter, it’s OVER. I DO NOT love you.
I remember that place. How could I forget it? The city lights were so bright and I waited there. Alone. It was so cold but yet I waited for such a long time. I aged and grew. I kept on waiting until I found you. Then I realized how wrong everything was. How I wasted my time waiting for you. I destroyed that city so you could never find me again. If somehow you do find me, my next target will be you. So much time wasted on a weakling like you.
~Viola
P.S. You have so much to learn. You are not a Dom. You are not a spiritualist. You fail. I win. The end!
So I’m planning on catching up on alllllllllllllll the posts I owe tonight. Since my birthday is over and things are starting to settle. One thing I need to bring up is I won’t be on much on the weekends for a while. I have a lot of plans with friends and family.
It has been awhile since I have posted a journal so why not right? So lately things have been coming in waves of craziness. I’ve been very stressed out with new and continuing things. It has been causing me to have no apatite, being tired, feeling ill and weak. I would say I am pretty cheerful and upbeat so this really is putting a rain on my parade. Sadly, I don’t think these ‘things’ and worries will be going away anytime soon. Change is needed and change isn’t going to happen. My future isn’t looking as bright as I wished it to be. I could try to come to terms with this and accept it but personally I rather fight and take every blow. At least then I can say I tried.
They say we all can control our own fates. Well I say bull crap. We might be able to alter it, but even if you have the power to see what may happen there is no changing it. The only thing you can do is prepare for it and embrace your destiny. Every moment is important. Every memory. Every emotion . You cannot give up, even if you feel like it. Even if there seems there is nowhere to go. Even if you feel like you are all alone and lost. Stand up and believe. Sometimes I feel like I can’t even get out of the bed in the morning but I fight off what weighs me down. I will always smile. I might have my bad days, but I will always know life is a gift. I will learn from my mistakes, I will grow from my experiences; I will fight for what makes me happy.
Memories. How do you express the power of memories? They can bring a smile to your face or even make you laugh. Sometimes memories can bring back such bad emotions. You wish to just simply forget. Yet, we learn from our memories, memories make up who we are today, even the bad ones. We remember events and people for a reason, even if that reason is unclear. Be happy you can experience such strong emotions even if it is something like sadness. Turn it into happiness. Embrace the feelings that you feel all warm inside. Hold on to what makes you smile. And remember, don’t forget to fight.
Roleplay: Been slow I know. Just haven't been really in the mood to roleplay really and been very tired. I am picking back up though, so I guess this is more of a sorry. XD Anyways on Fridays and the weekends I really don't know if/when I'll be on. That is about it.
Your support makes Blue Moon possible (Patreon)