Just a sad realization...

[Myun]

I didn't really know where else to put this...

I thought about keeping it to myself but I felt I needed to get it out there somehow. I thought about Facebook but I have an empty page and no one would see it... I thought about putting it as a status on an IM but it wouldn't be a good idea. So I thought about it... Where can I put this and express myself, where no one knows/remembers me?

...

Thats when this place came to my mind.

For the people who read this, you may think one of two things:
1) She is being too dramatic
or
2) I can totally relate to that

Or maybe something else completely.

What I wanna get out has a lot to do with a broken heart and the pain that comes with it. I'm not talking about "Oh I'm feeling sad"... I'm talking about real pain. Where it feels like your heart is being torn to pieces and your whole body shakes from so many different feelings... anger... hurt... confusion... loneliness... All of this runs through you and you can't understand why. No matter how much you think of it or how many times you're told... you don't understand.

It all started with Him...

The only love I've known. Only real love at least.

For 4 years, he was in my life as a friend... then he disappeared. But he came back. We were friends again but this time... our feelings were obvious. We started as just normal friends again. goofing around. Playing Magic or Yugioh... Video games here and there. Going to the park at random times in the night... being together almost all day everyday. Then Halloween came...

That night... How I'll never forget it. It was the first time I'd been bold and actually did something so abruptly. I kissed you... and you didn't say anything. I asked you what felt better... Words on a screen or that kiss... you pointed and said the kiss and smiled. So sweet so shy... You sat with me... we talked till the sun came out and it was November first. We slept so close to each other that night at the Guy's house. Holding hands and cuddling. A peaceful sleep...

Time went on and we kept it a secret because of our friends but they all saw it... I still have those first emails we sent to each other. When you told me you were so happy with me... that you felt like yourself... that you liked me a lot.... I read them from time to time and wonder..."What went wrong?"

I still ask myself that question from time to time. Now not as much as before but there are days I can't stop asking.

Memories of our time together flood my mind everyday. I see you everywhere I go. I dream of you when I sleep... and the dreams are so vivid and real that when I wake up... its hard to believe that that's my new reality...

I can say your name now though... That must be a sign right? Your name.... The name I could not utter without having my voice break from the pain it holds. I can reminisce now too. Tell stories to my mom as examples without feeling sad...

The songs we used to sing in my car... I can sing them too now. Sometimes I get sad... but then I remember how much fun we had singing them and I smile again.

I saw the love in your eyes... It didn't seem fake... but it was...


There is one song however.... that I still cannot sing. We never sang it together... but I listened to it when you left me. It spoke to me so much. Though the lyrics don't match completely... The parts that do sound so true. At first... I would cry immediately if the song came on. A painful cry... Not obnoxiously loud... but a quiet cry... a lonely cry.

I was able to listen to it for a while without crying and I even sang it a few times but now... 5 months after you left... I find myself listening to it on loop and crying. Have I been delusional? To think that I could get over my first real love so quickly?

They say you never forget your first... You weren't my first lover but you were my first Love. Real love...

Though it has caused me pain, I don't regret it.... I am happy I got to love you. I'm happy I got to experience it because now I can say that I DID LOVE! I FELT IT!! I LIVED IT!!

However... even though I thought I was moving on... I find I cannot. At least not yet. For the days coming up to our breakup, the day of it and some months after... will never leave my mind I think.

You lied so much... for so long...

How were you able to keep such a lie like that?

I asked you that day on the phone...

"If you never loved me.... Tell me and I will leave in peace. But don't say it unless you mean it..."

You said it within two seconds...

I havent seen you since March 1st... I don't know if I want to see you... but I catch myself taking old routes just to see if I'll catch a glimpse of you.

I just don't understand. You fought so hard to be with me against my family... you asked me to be your wife... We made plans... you were coming with me when I moved... We were going to start a life together....

What happened? What changed you so quickly?

"Love like that just doesn't disappear... Its either always there or it never existed."

I repeated that everyday for a month, several times a day... thinking and hoping you would come back. Each time I left my house, I'd hope you'd be standing outside my door and every time I came back, I'd hope the same... But you were never there.

After that month... I realized it was the latter of the two. That it never existed.

You're a good actor... and a good liar...

You made me believe for a year and seven months that it was mutual... That you loved me as I did you.

What was I then?
I thought I mattered to you... that I was all the things you told me.

"You're beautiful... you're precious... you're mine... you're the best..."

I believed it...

"Who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart.
You're gonna catch a cold
From the Ice inside your soul"

Those lyrics... How they remind me of how you acted. So cold and uncaring... even 3 months later when I had a miscarriage of YOUR child.

I tried to tell you... so many times but you never answered... even after I left you msgs you never responded. How evil of you....

I thought I deleted all of our pictures... but wouldn't you know it? Fate had a different plan. They were all saved into my phones internal memory and when I check the phone... there they were.

You smiling...
Our first date...
Us cuddling...
You sleeping...
So many memories...

I keep them in a folder in my computer... I can't bring myself to delete them.


I still don't know what went wrong... Day and night was the change...

What went wrong...

What went wrong?

I hope someday I find out the truth...

I hope... someday I'll be able to listen to that song and never again feel sadness...

I hope that someday soon... I'll be able to go through the day without seeing our memories everywhere...

That I'll stop dreaming of you...

For now.... I have to accept it and work through the heartache and pain.

Maybe someday I'll smile like I used to...

"It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back"

You broke every promise...

and its true. If there should ever be a time in the future where you ask me to come back... I won't.

Just as I suffered... you will too. I hope someday... you feel and experience what you've put me through...

It all started with Him...

The only love I've known.

But he won't be the last...

​

 

[amaya]

1st I have to admit your not too dramatic, just real in love and I cannot relate to that, as I wasn't really in love before. I cannot tell you that I can understand what your going through, since I never lived it. But it makes sense, after all it was your real love.

I would just add two things, its really honorable from your part that you cannot forget so easily someone you really loved. Lately a lot of my friends that were swearing they were in love the one day and crying hard after they broke up, few days later they could date someone else. I don't judge that, but that's not real love. Real love is hard and painful, and you don't get it over easily. And as you said you had the change to live it.

The other think i would say...Is a really really hope ... his emotions were real...and something came up that made him lie like that. Even its seems like a illusion, i hope its a real one. It would make your time together worth it.

To conclude I would just say, he won't be the last one you loved. As you said it. Your point of view is sad, but mature I have to admit. Anyway Thanks for sharing with us...​