When did everything go to shit???

[Tyla_Rose]

So it's almost 11 pm here I have to be up by 3 am and I have so much on my mind. Where did everything go wrong?? Three days ago my biggest fear was that my parents might catch me smoking pot and kick me out...now getting busted is the last thing I have to worry about. Now there is a bigger dilemma the fact that my dad fucked up...major. I never thought he would mess up so bad but I guess that's what happens when you put someone up on a pedestal. Now he has some chick knocked up and my family is breaking. My mom is I don't know somewhere miles away in her mind and nobody can reach her, my dad is trapped in a pit of guilt feeling sorry for himself, two of my three sisters are stuck in depression, the youngest has no clue what is going on, then there is me and well lets see after I kicked a hole in my wall and shattered the lamp. I'm barely hanging on. God if I didn't have work right now I'd be so lit up I don't even know my name...but I have responsibilities and blah blah blah. I can't even think straight I feel so torn because the logical part of me thinks my mother should leave my father for cheating on him...but then there is the bigger part that is this scared little girl who wants mommy and daddy to be together forever and ever. I wonder if that is how my mom kinda feels stuck in the middle of wanting to stay with the man she will always be in love with but not wanting to stay because she doesn't want me and my sisters to think its okay to put up with shit like this. I wish I could turn back the clock and figure out a way to stop this. Then there is the woman carrying my dad's bastard child and I know that is a hard way to put it and its not fair to say it...but damn it he's my daddy and this isn't fair!! I know it's not the woman's fault she doesn't even know my father is married but part of me hates her because she is not my mom. Then there is the thing inside of her...I know I shouldn't not want it to be there but I don't think even if it has to be part of my life I could ever ever think of it as family because every time I would have to look at it I would see my dad and a person who is not my mom in its eyes and I can't accept that. God I'm going to hell for thinking these things. ='( I just feel like I'm falling and nothing can catch me...They say things are always darkest just before the dawn well can I at the very least get a flashlight??