Me, Myself & Why?

[theWatcher]

It's my ERP roleplaying eleventh-year anniversary! I'm a little early; it's actually September.

Why do I do it? Why can't I stop? A reflection.

Guess you could say that I came to ERP late. It's kind of strange considering I was playing tabletop games, D&D, Cyberpunk, and stuff like that from about fifteen onwards. I did have a big, international move that broke me away from that community. I don't recall ever really missing it. Perhaps it was just a fun way to hang out and create an experience with friends. I also suspect that I kind of sucked and have forgotten that as a kind of protection.

I found ERP on Twitter. I was having a rough patch emotionally. I was isolated from my family and living alone. I was drinking way too much. I guess I was just lonely. I was an awful person, just looking for any kind of engagement online because I was lacking it in the real world.

If I could travel back to any point of time with the sole purpose to slap myself, it would have been at that point in my life. Something broke in me around that time. I'm not blaming ERP, but it almost certainly contributed. Just recalling those dark days makes me grateful for how much I have improved myself.

So that was why I did it when I started. And now? I guess it's really pretty much the same thing but on a lesser degree. I usually enjoy the out-of-character chat as much as the stories. Sometimes more. I still enjoy the taboo of writing ERP. Having a guilt little secret is exciting. But I guess it's all about dopamine if I am totally honest. I get a kick out of receiving a post, then finding a place or time to read it.

To look at it in that light, I guess that ERP is a kind of addiction for me. I've come and gone from BMR and other sites, but I never truly stay away. I did have someone that periodically pinged me on an alt-account that I have now withdrawn from. That never helped with the staying away. I guess that I am always periodically going to need a distraction from life. Gym, running, and video games can serve that purpose to a degree, but none of them are as fun as making stories here.

After reflection, I don't think that I really want to stop. I enjoy meeting people from all over the world and making stories. I just have to keep myself in check. Living in GMT+9, I'm so often keen to write while nobody is around, or I'm waiting for replies. In the past, I would have looked for more stories. Now, I'm enjoying writing solo stories and subjecting you to these ramblings. I just need to find a balance. I hope I have.

 

[theWatcher]

Kid in a Candy Store​

I've been thinking about my relationship with role play (and BMR as an extension) recently. I'm back in a big way, and enjoying it more than ever. Something feels different this time. To begin with, this is my only account. This was actually my alt-account, but I withdrew from my (former) main account. That's one major change that I really needed to do. At least to break my bad habits (and get away from some bad influence).

So, a fresh start. But will I keep it up?

That's the plan. I like writing here if I can find the right balance. Which brings me to the title line. Kid in a candy store.

I have had a lifelong problem with choices. As a kid, I remember going to the milk bar① near my grandma's house to buy lollies②. Every type of lolly had an individual price, and I used to love standing there choosing which ones I would order. The thing is, I rarely ate them. I just loved the act of choosing and buying them. I guess my family figured that it was good for my arithmetic, I had fun, and someone always ate the sweets. Not to mention that I was the oldest grandchild and the oldest grandson/nephew.

And it continued. Comics were after candy. There are still thousands of comics at my mum's house (which she frequently reminds me of). I guess I grew out of that while I was at university. That and the fact that I was broke the whole time because I did all of that on my own. Work, school, rent, study. I just put my priorities first, and my comic-loving buddies were back in my hometown.

Then, after university came the Internet. Its arrival started the whole problem all over again. Too many choices, and I just wanted them all from the privacy of my own home. Let's just say that I enjoyed browsing for content more than the content itself, just like the lollies when I was a kid (But I think you can probably imagine what I was browsing for).

It shouldn't come as any surprise that my role-play habits fit the same pattern. There are so many enticing plots and premises here on BMR (not to mention other sites and platforms). I just find myself wanting to do everything here too. Well, not EVERYTHING, but all those ideas that appeal to me. And this has always been my problem. I end up spreading myself far too thin and get frustrated. Frustration usually ends up with me rage quitting (ie. ghosting good people that don't deserve that), until I finally calm down and start the cycle all over again.

So, why am I enjoying BMR more than ever now? Basically, I'm showing restraint, and well, being honest with myself and my partners. I'm not starting new stories when I want to write and I am waiting on replies. I'm writing here or that solo story that I posted a couple of chapters of. I get into the forum games. I'm just chatting out of character more.

Perhaps I've finally grown up. At least enough to understand that a lot of my role-play and online habits weren't healthy or sustainable. Let's see how long it all lasts.

① A Milk Bar is a corner store in Australia. Like a convenience store but generally family-owned and open from morning to night, not 24 hours.

② A lolly or lollies are sweets or candy in Australian English.