Splitting Ends -A glimps in to the mind of Trinket-

[Snazzy Trinket]

Well, seeing that I've been here for a fairly decent amount of time I'm finally sitting down and setting up my journal.
That being said I am going to start things off with an opener that I have used on every journal I have owned since I was 14...
​

"Most people find that I suffer from sever insomnia and
I have a caffeine addiction, black coffee being my poison.
The lack of sleep has truly mystifying effect on my mind.
My world is distorted; it consists of bending colors, bleeding
lights and pulsating sounds that are seldom captured in
my ears, because I am rarely ever truly listening to much
of anything.

I would much rather watch the letters spill out of the mouth
and play in to words or observe voles bend with squares
and swirl with colors and circles. Everything plays beats in
time and my world falls in on itself. It’s horrifying to say the
most, yet still quite mesmerizing. I live in M.U.D. Mellow
Utopian Domain.

M.U.D. is simply a concept that I have come up with. It's a
way of thought is all; it focuses on watching the movement
of sound and color to understand things rather then just
using your ears. I see coffee dripping rather then hearing
the drops.

Simply put it is just a weird way of observing life.

I've been told that it's the after-math of the amount of acid
I've dropped in my short time on this earth but in truth
I've never been one for relying on my ears. I don't know
why I see things they way I do; I also have no doubt that
they will some day change, but as I stand right now this is they
way I view my world... and this journal is my way of recording
those views.

​

...In truth, my predictions as of right now, are correct.
Thing's have changed in my mind quite a bit, but not for the more conventional.​

l

 

[☢☢Zombies Galore☢☢]

I have something similar. I call it pattern crawl. There are weird bumps and shifts beneath the surfaces of things. It's hard to explain. Like watching waves go through solid matter. When I close my eyes I can order and rearrange the points of lights. Also, fractals. Do you see fractals?

 

[Snazzy Trinket]

_________Tuesday, September 14 2010_________ ​

_________Violin Concerto In A Minor: Bach_________​

_________11:05 Am Pacific Daylight Time_________​

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"Sleepless Nights and {M}-oral Decay." ​

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Christ that header took forever to put together... I'm surpised I even finished it. BB code, or anycoding for that matter, is a pain in the fucking ass.

Well, I'm going to start of by saying: Yes, I still am bitching about my teeth. Why? Beccause they still fucking hurt and I will continue to bitch about them until they are forcbably yanked and or pulled from my skull. Call me a pussy if you will but motherfucker they hurt so bad and I have this god awful tates in the back of my mouth at all times no matter what I do to rid myself of it. I'm getting damn frustarated by it. I've been to two dentists and all they do is give me anti-biotics and painkillers and push back the goddamn removal date. I sware if the 27th comes around and they push it back agian I'mma get a bottle of boose and an exacto knife and just carve the fuckers out myself.

Anyway... moving on.

I haven't been sleeping very well lately, which isn't a surprise, but I can literally feel it wearing on my body and more importantly my mind. The only sleep I have really been able to pull was through a very bad combination sleeping pills, pain killers and mood stabilizers and even then I don't sleep; I just lay there motionlessly. My mind is still plenty awake. I can feel and hear everything that's going on around me but I can't for the life of me get my body to respond. The other day it scared the living fuck out of me because someone was standing really close to me and I couldn't even open my eyes well enough to see what it was they were doing. I know that that dosen't sound all to bad, but even if this is my home it really isn't the safest place to be completely incapacitated. It didn't help when Adlin started freaking out on the person that was standing there.

So, one would think that the soulution to this problem would be to simply not take as much of eat substance or simply not mix them. Well, if I don't I can't get my body to that point of atifucal sidation and I sit in my room unable to feel my body but still unable to sleep. Not much better. So the past few days I've simply said "Fuck it" And I have taken the perscribed amount pain killers to keep the pain in my teeth at bay and I've simply stayed awake... getting about 3 hours of sleep every 24-36 hours of wake time. I Apprecated the extrea time because I seem to be getting things done and a rapid pace but I can feel my gernal ablitily to care much about anything raidly depleating as well.

I just can't seem to make myself give a damn about anything other then Myself, Adlilin, Niqueo, and possibly Alex, possibly. Most other things go streight over my head and if they don't I strike out violently towards minor irrataions, like the sound of someones voice after I've told not to speak around me.

For example, just yesterday I ended up in a tossle with one of my mothers friends who has been flopping here for a good 3 months now. She wasn't doing much, just going through the cablints and bitching about how se didn't have any food. It pissed me off because none of us have eaten much in the last mouth and she, someone who dosen't rightfuly take residentancy in the house, is sitting there yelling about how we don't have food. It was damn annoying and so I tould her to get out of the kitchen and stop talking so loud. She told me to fuck off and so I dropped it and maybe 10 mineneuts later she started up agian and Adilin stepped in this time and said quite clearly that "If you don't stop, Millah is going to flip out on you." and so she proceeded to say that I was full of shit and that I wouldn't do anything and so I got up and went over to her and put my ciggaret out on her shoulder. Was it the right thing to do? Absolutly not. Do I care? A little bit now but at the time I didn't. And the only resason I care is because I put myself in the wrong in the sit

 

[Snazzy Trinket]

_________Tuesday, September 15 2010_________ ​

_________Violin Concerto In A Minor: Bach_________​

_________11:05 Am Pacific Daylight Time_________​

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"Sleepless Nights and {M}-oral Decay." ​

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Christ that header took forever to put together... I'm surprised I even finished it. BB code, or any coding for that matter, is a pain in the fucking ass.

Well, I'm going to start of by saying: Yes, I still am bitching about my teeth. Why? Because they still fucking hurt and I will continue to bitch about them until they are yanked and or pulled from my skull. Call me a pussy if you will but motherfucker they hurt so badly. I have this god awful tastes in the back of my mouth at all times no matter what I do to rid myself of it. I'm getting damn frustrated. I've been to two dentists and all they have done is given me anti-bionics and painkillers and push back the goddamn removal date. I swear if the 27th comes around and they push it back again I'mma get a bottle of booze and an exact-o knife and just carve the fuckers out myself.

Anyway... moving on.

I haven't been sleeping very well lately, which isn't a surprise, but I can literally feel it wearing on my body and more importantly my mind. The only sleep I have really been able to pull was through a very bad combination sleeping pills, pain killers and mood stabilizers and even then I don't sleep; I just lay there motionlessly. My mind is still plenty awake. I can feel and hear everything that's going on around me but I can't for the life of me get my body to respond; the other day it scared the living fuck out of me because someone was standing really close and I couldn't even open my eyes well enough to see what it was they were doing. I know that that doesn’t sound all too bad, but even if this is my home it really isn't the safest place to be completely incapacitated. It didn't help Adilin when started freaking out on the person that was standing there. But now that I think about it he’s super protective of me and it’s more then likely that he would have spazzed even if I weren’t completely out of it.

So, one would think that the solution to this problem would be to simply not take as much of each substance or simply not mix them. Well, if I don't, I can't get my body to that point of almost sedation and I sit in my room unable to feel my body but still unable to sleep. Not much better. So the past few days I've simply said "Fuck it" And I have taken the prescribed amount pain killers to keep the pain in my teeth at bay and I've simply stayed awake... getting about 3 hours of sleep every 24-36 hours of wake time. I appreciate the extra time because I seem to be getting things done and a rapid pace but I can feel my general ability to care much about anything rapidly depleting as well.

I just can't seem to make myself give a damn about anything other then my Pop-pop, myself, Adilin, Niqueo, and possibly Alex, possibly. Most other things go straight over my head and if they don't I strike out violently towards minor irritations, like the sound of someone’s voice after I've told not to speak around me.

But surprisingly enough, today I found something that does indeed get under my skin enough to make me feel bad enough to cry. Now, I understand that things aren't absolutely god awful for me. I have a roof over my head, I eat on the somewhat regular basis, I have a computer and connection to the net, and electricity to run it; I have running water and clothing but at the same time most of these luxuries have been obtained by illegal means or by just scraping by. Don't get me wrong, I'm very much appreciative of these things and if I were the only one dealing with the life style I'd be down right dandy... but fact is I'm not.

I'm currently working two jobs to support my mother and her fucking addictions as well as whomever she brings by. Usually if things get to bad I'm able to get a front or sell something or even just barrow money from a friend or something like that, but right now my assets have been tapped to fucking death and I have nothing to turn to. It’s down right frustrating because there is no reason that we should be shit broke in the middle of the month like this considering all the work Adilin and I do to keep the house going as smoothly as possible, it proves that something is draining us much faster then it was before.

Adilin and I are able to just out right ignore when we are hungry or thirsty or when we need a smoke but my mother is not and she get's horribly violent when we cannot provide for her. So, early today she started in on me and I either had a choice to sit and get wailed on until her rage passed or get off my ass and go scrape up some money to get her to calm down.

So, I swallowed my pride and went out a pan-handled for while. I know it's not good to be prideful because we all end up in shitty situations, but damn it was hard to do. At first I felt like shit because I kept thinking that I was too good for it, that it was below me and it drained me of my self-worth. But as time passed my perceptive changed and I started thinking about the people who were doing the same thing and the differences between us... I had somewhere to go after I was finished... they don't. I felt like I was taking from people who had absolutely nothing. If the people who gave to me were asked by someone who seriously needed it then they couldn't give because I already took from them. I felt so damn selfish. About an hour in I couldn't do it anymore and I had collected about 6 bucks and I went to the store and bought a pack of smokes and a soda, absolutely nothing anyone needed... just wanted.

I've pan-handled before. But it was the first time I've ever done it for the sake of saving my own ass. Every time I've done it before was when I was on the streets and needed food and even then it felt wrong.

It didn't get better when I got home and my mother looked at me and said "That's it? You've been gone for an hour." Then took her share of the pack and started bitching about the type of soda I got.

I don't know why, but I can't seem to leave her. It's a horrible guilt that's tying me to her. Adilin asks why I put myself through the bullshit but... that my mom... I can't just cast her aside. I know that I can make it without her, I've done it before but I also know she can't make it without me and that's what ties me to this place...

I donno. But I fucking hate addicts.


Eh. Times are getting hard for now and it's starting to get to me but they can only get so bad before they start to get better again.

On a brighter note it's a nice day today, it's starting to cool down so we can sit out on the porch and not fry to death. Oh, I got to see my godson today. He's getting so big, starting to look just like Adilin right down to the freckles, he's so adorable. He's taken an interest in music so I'm glad to see him exploring different things and he's doing really well in his classes. He's being considered for advanced math and if he's accepted to the classes then he'll be taking like Algebra in the 7th grade... which is a while away, about 3 years, but still it's quite the achievement in my eyes. Seeing him kind made things go away for a while, I love that kid.

And today was the first day in court against the company that gave my Papa the mother chair that flipped him. It’s looking pretty damn good from what my uncle says there’s really no way they can fight the flaw in the chair that caused the accident. At first they were saying that we didn’t have a case because my pap didn’t have his safety belt on but logically speaking if he had had it on, the chair would have flipped over and most likely broken his back rather then just throwing him out and fucking up the foot he has left. So the case is still pretty damn strong. Normally I wouldn’t deal with the court system but that’s my daddy… and there will be hell to pay for this shit. Hell I say hell! Thankfully he’s healing well, he might still lose his toes but he’ll still have the leg. If he lost that one too I don’t think we’d be able to get him out of the home for a lot longer. I truly think part of my problem right now is not being able to see him freely. I miss my Pop-pop, he’s a good man. He’s an unbelievably strong person; I don’t think I’d be able to survive with out him.

Well, I think I'm spoken my peace for today. I'mma stop bitching now and go clean something or something. Possibly just hang out for a bit and see how things turn out. I donno yet, I haven't decided. I'm not usually this whiny... but... today is just one of those days I feel like being a pussy.

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[Snazzy Trinket]

I have something similar. I call it pattern crawl. There are weird bumps and shifts beneath the surfaces of things. It's hard to explain. Like watching waves go through solid matter. When I close my eyes I can order and rearrange the points of lights. Also, fractals. Do you see fractals?

Is it like a rippling effect? Almost as if the surface you are looking at is made of water?

And I used to when I was younger, particularly when I looked up at the sky but it was a reoccurring pattern; it often times looked like the sky itself was warping out, more so when it was rainy or gloomy out... Like a wormhole or something. I remember I used to think that if I stared up in the sky long enough that it would open up to a second world or something. I donno, I was a weirdo. My teachers and friends used to think something was wrong with me cuz I'd stand there and just stare up in to the sky... until something more interesting came along that is...

Sometimes I still see the patterns but they have changed quite a bit since my younger years.

 

[☢☢Zombies Galore☢☢]

Totally as if what I'm looking at is made up of water. But a slow, viscous water.

I like the idea of staring at something long enough making a portal into a second world. Looking at the sky is always fun. Do you see many triangle patterns?

 

[Snazzy Trinket]

Not triangular patters but circles, horizontal lines, and squares. They bend around things I see and then I get this odd fuzz that kinda looks like snow and some times static. And of course this tripping that comes alone with movement.

 

[Snazzy Trinket]

_________Tuesday, September 18 2010_________ ​

_________Crazy baby -Dj Melodie_________​

_________11:23 9m Pacific Daylight Time_________​

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"I do believe if I try, I do believe I can fly-fall through a hole in the sky" ​

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You know what I absolutely love? When you spend an inter day doing about nothing of true importance only to be able to look back at it and see that is was the most productive day you have had in a long time. I walked across town today to go see a old friend of mine and all we did was bull shit all day long. It was the biggest breath of air I have taken in a long time. We went to this random ass Mexican festival and listened to random bans play and then walked back across town and now all we have done is fucked around with the random trinkets and shit I have around my room and listen to music. Absolutely nothing has been accomplished but I feel so much better. Well, I don't have much else to say but I felt I should update. Oh, I will be getting my teeth removed on Monday. So I'll prolly be gone for a few days.

Well. I'm out of things to say so bye!
​

 

[Snazzy Trinket]

_________Tuesday, September 28 2010_________ ​

_________Taboo- superbus _________​

_________4:00 pm Pacific Daylight Time_________​

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"The Porcelain Waltz" ​

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A porcelain puppet dances across my mind

Lead by the pull of starlit twine.

It dances ever so graceful to the sounds of my thoughts;
Which bleed to color, with each step of his waltz.

This porcelain puppet performs only for me
If only he could broadcast his brilliance for the world to see.


​

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_________Tuesday, September 28 2010_________ ​

_________Taboo- superbus _________​

_________4:00 pm Pacific Daylight Time_________​

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"Butterfly wings" ​

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If you expose the image to the light for too long the color will to bleed
Eventually the film will burn.
Timing is everything in development of such fragile things.
Much like the light bleeding forth through butterfly wings.
It wipes away the canvas in which was stained with the beauty of the stars.
Drugs and scandal captured in the iris of the lenses.
Speeding shuttered sound like gunfire as this years cast makes way down crimson carpet.
Oh to die like one of them.
It’s better to burn out rather then fade away.
This we all know!
And with glory we bow our head before leaping form the seventh floor Chateau Marmont
With the only hope to land on our backs just to see the height of the fall.



​

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[Snazzy Trinket]

_________Tuesday, September 18 2010_________ ​

_________Crazy baby -Dj Melodie_________​

_________11:23 9m Pacific Daylight Time_________​

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"I love you like arsenic." ​

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Okay so, I'm dramatically irradiate by someone right now so to keep peace in the home I have turned to writing. So here it goes:


Despite of what is known as your “bohemian” appearance
Or your vaguely Anarchic set of beliefs,
Your range of ability is that of someone you can find on any San Francisco comer.

You’re common,
There’s not a thing about you that reads originality.
You are the figurehead of all that is superficial and that’s what gets under my skin.

You pontificate to everyone,
Preaching mindlessly about things you don’t know.

It’s a competition to you,
The need to stand proudly in that limelight,
soaking in that minute of self aggrandizing glory that you have won.
But it will soon pass and you will walk away;
returning to your circle of clones the minute you’re rejected in the real world.

You poor fascist bastards,
You point the finger at everyone but yourself and you refuse to notice your own flaws.
Because you are stuck,
Adhered, to you set of standards and tastes
Which have already been written out by a corrupted panel of hipster judges.
It’s ridiculous.!

But let me tell you this,
I am the world biggest Hypocrite.
I preach the same nonsense that spills our of your mouth
I just say it louder.
Which validates me to look down my nose at you.

You see, I have caught on, and that’s what makes us different.
If you speak loud enough,
people stop listening to what it is you are saying
and fallow like the mindless sheep they are.

Challenge me baby,
And I swear I’ll watch you fall from the top of your ego.
You cannot prove a hypocrite wrong and you cannot make a failure succeed.
All you can do is fail along with them.

So listen up.
Because I will explain this one last time.
Bohemia is dead and anarchy unrealistic.
Government is all we have left, may it be conventional democracy
Or the fucked over law system you are so often times preaching about.
It’s still government.
So please stop your bitching about it.

The future is not ours: It theirs.
We just get to live in it.
So stop with this mind numbing masqueraded of delinquency
and hop-hop onto the ban wagon.
Because honey it’s the only way out of this rotting display of society.

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