[ 𝑩 𝑼 𝑹 𝑵 𝑰 𝑻 𝑫 𝑶 𝑾 𝑵 ] / 🅽🆂🅵🆆

[Anarchia]

Just a place for my madness~

Anarchy & Clarity​

I've spent my life chasing Clarity, true, unfiltered Clarity. It started as a few brief moments that were scattered around my life, once or twice a month at most I would suddenly feel as though I could finally breathe, as though the weight of thousands of fathoms of pressure had been lifted off my mind and I could suddenly just... be me.

In these moments, these moments of perfect clarity I found tasks that were difficult most of the time become trivial, words flowed through my fingers when writing and everything at work slotted into place. I thought for a while that there was something wrong with me, that these perfect moments of clarity were what you should always feel like. I've come to realize that most people don't seem to have these moments, these moments where they realize how valuable life is and how we should use every second of every moment to please the person we see in the mirror, and love them.

I never had these moments until I moved away from home strangely enough, when it first happened I thought as though it might never end, that sudden burst of productivity, that moment when dopamine subsides and no longer controls my brain. Where I feel truly untethered from my usual self. It didn't last... Although I did become addicted to it. Over the past few years I've found ways of returning to that trance-like state, where time seems to slow to a series of moments stretched to their extremes, where I can do more... Write more, be more... and do more In those moments and minutes then I have for the rest of the day. I've learned what triggers it, what music to listen to, what routine to follow, various rituals to bring back clarity to my mind and silence all over my thoughts except the one I want to listen to.

I've always loved anarchy, partly because it reflected what was happening inside my mind for the longest time, and partly because the idea of burning our society is enticing to say the least... I know it would never work, obviously, anarchy just breeds something far, far worse than came before it. That knowledge doesn't dampen my urge to move north to the highlands and find a tiny cabin to live in, to be myself in, to stay away from society and embrace anarchy.

In this I seem to be in a constant binaric state, Anarchy & Clarity, there used to be a middle ground, a dead Anarchia that would shuffle through life and switch off for days at a time, before awaking once again to the sounds of waves lapping at the shore and the sun rising over a beach she had been sat on all night. That Ana is mostly gone, occasionally I still zone out, and I still switch off when the Anarchy becomes too much, never for days though, never for years... but much like how those moments of clarity started in small bursts, my 'dead' self as been reduced to small moments, I feel more alive now, It took a long time, I lot of time being 'dead' working in offices and commuting on trains, but I finally feel I'm at a point where my life has started again. Where running at one in the morning is no longer a thing I do just to look after myself, I feel every sensation slightly more intensely than a few years ago. Cold wind against my skin, the warmth of a fire on the beach, the joy I feel from writing.

I still ramble and often lose myself in my work, but at least I am doing work, I am a person and no longer a husk who wandered through life.

I finally have clarity and anarchy... In balance.

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