Mostly Short Stories [ constructive criticism appreciated! ♥ ]

[bird]

So yeah, I'm going to be putting the rare short stories that I manage to squeeze out of my brain here.
It probably won't be much, as inspiration is hard for me, but hey, I'm trying.
I love writing, other then my lack of inspiration!
- ♥ - ♥ - ♥ -​

Silver
Just now, I realized something. Today, the day my best friend's boyfriend of four years broke up with her, I realized something very... unimportant. You see, she's not very popular. I mean, she's not unpopular, but she's not particularly well known, so she doesn't wear makeup to be popular. Ashley wears makeup because she has very low self-esteem. She always complains that her eyes are dull, her nose is big, her freckles are unattractive. I realized that, for as long as I've known her, I've never seen her without make up. Even when we had sleepovers at each other's houses so long ago, she was always wearing some kind of makeup.
I'm at her house right now. Staring at a makeup-less Ashley. I'm here because she needs me. She needs me to cry on, to yell at during those brief moments of anger, to be there when she feels alone. She was crying all day today, so I suggested a shower to make her feel better. She hesitantly agreed, not really wanting to do anything. I sat there, listening to the water run, pondering what went wrong in their relationship. They were always so close, the perfect relationship. Nothing ever seemed wrong with them, but I suppose they kept the trouble behind the scenes. Ashley stepped out of the shower in her relaxing clothes, a big t-shirt and an old, worn pair of sweat pants. Her eyes were still puffy, swollen and red. I guess she had been crying in the shower, too. She always hated her eyes, saying they were a dull grey, but I disagree. They're more like silver, for they appear to have metallic flecks here and there. They definitely weren't dull. I'm getting distracted.
Oh, another realization. Ashley is drying off her hair, sniffling, confirming my suspicion of her crying in the shower. Her hair also isn't dull, like she claims it to be. Her natural hair color is a nice, warm auburn, but she's added red highlights to it. Not a bright, gaudy red. A warm red, perhaps the color of fresh roses. She turned to me suddenly. I've been caught staring. I don't look away though, no use. She looks at me with a weird expression on her face. "Leah? Is something wrong?"
I continue staring at her, an Ashely without makeup, an Ashely that, for once, doesn't look like a doll, an Ashley in her purest form. I've realized an idea that I've played with for a while is absolutely true. "Ashley, you're beautiful."
Ashley looks at me, an expression of mild shock on her face. I think she's too tired to be really shocked. A slow smile works its way across her face, making her eyes shine like real silver. I smile back.

 

[Temp]

I like the idea of the piece and the twist at the end.

It’s a little repetitive and makes you want to move on to the end to see what this is all about. It is also a bit of an “information dump” – the narrator just telling everything about Ashley, the reasons behind her actions, etc… If you’re going for a “journal” style story, then it is fine. But it would be more captivating/interesting, in my opinion, if you threaded some of these thoughts in the middle of a scene and dialogue. Example show what the narrator is seeing Ashley do or say at the moment, and then have mental comments about it, then more action, more information.

There is also a bit of tense switching (past/present) that could be fixed, but not too much of it. Ashley has been spelled a couple way.

I’d like to learn a little more about the narrator too. Maybe you can hint more at the narrator’s personality, age, etc… Maybe show it through her thoughts about the boyfriend? I don’t know, there are lots of ways you could go about it.

If you are trying to make the narrator a teenager (or youngish), then good job, that does come through.

By way for full disclosure, I usually keep away from first person writings as they tend to feel “slow” so my opinion above is also probably colored by my preference for stories written in third person.

Hope this is what you were looking for.