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bubblegumlitch
Meteorite
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2024
- Location
- the peaceful forest
Hello small world of people reading this! I would like to tell my story of becoming a roleplayer with multiple personalities. I was a roleplayer already, but awareness of separate personalities happened recently. Now, we're talking to each other, and I guess we're sharing here, too. I'll get into some NSFW topics at some, the whole experience hasn't been miserable and has been rather interesting and sometimes fun, but be warned that this is a bit sad as well.
It's been a weird experience to say the least. I guess it all came together around Passover this year, which I believe was in April. I was sick and dying. I never believed much in anything and just observed things as tradition, but suddenly started hearing the voices of angels, demons, and aliens. My family has mixed religions, and my mom's considers angels and demons to be "extra terrestrials", so I kind of view all of the supernatural as aliens - save for ghosts which would be human souls. I thought that my being in a near-death state put me in a position to commune with the supernatural better.
I haven't had an easy life. Not sure how much I'll get into here, but when I went over the rules and there was a rule about ages for what characters could undergo bad things, I laughed to myself and said "well, that puts self inserts out the window." My family has very different ideas about how to treat people than I do, and they all thought I've made up a lot of my illnesses. They also don't want me to have Complex PTSD which, for those who don't know, is PTSD that develops due to repeated exposure to trauma rather than PTSD stemming from one event. Both are terrible, but CPTSD affects your development and brain wiring in a different way.
So, when I was dying, I had been undergoing some extreme and unfair treatment with expectations I couldn't uphold. I worked at a food service job, taught art at a college, and had a barter-system where I lived on a farm where I was working as my rent. For a weak young woman with no life experience and, on top of mental illnesses, a condition that made my extremely soft-skinned and flexible but also weak, I was in way over my head. I contracted multiple viruses on the farm and on top of that, was starving. I used to be overweight, but had gotten down to a medium due to depression and just struggled to care for myself and eat. I did shower regularly because showering is how I like to handle anxiety. I'll shower for fun. The voices hadn't started yet, but I was writing some beautiful and sad journals at the time. Dare I say, some of my epiphanies are quite interesting, and perhaps I'll share them.
So, I was in the shower after an awful day at my food service job. I couldn't keep up with orders this day, my boss kept telling me to literally run around the store, and I was too weak. My hands stopped working and I did my best as I literally cried silently unable to stop the tears while I constructed breakfast sandwiches. It was unbearable. I hadn't even planned for my summer classes properly. I had proposed a color theory class and was developing it in my free time. I sat on the floor of cold white porcelain and let the hot water wash away my pain and worries, grateful well water doesn't cost anything. This is when I started praying again for the first time in years. It was around Passover, and I decided if anyone could help, maybe big man יהוה could help me out.
Leading up to this, my body had been buzzing for weeks. I felt a weird tension like electricity coursing through me, and a pain that felt like poison through my veins. When something saddened me, I felt a pang and ache in my heart with imagery of it blackening. When I laid down to sleep, my arms and legs would get horrible pins and needles to the point of it being painful. Now, right after I prayed, I felt all of that tension concentrate in my right arm, so painful I couldn't move it, and it went all the way up to my neck and ear. I was born with hearing issues, and gained full hearing ability at 13 when I prayed then, too, and got surgery for it. It hurt and cramped, and all I could do was pray for it to end some way or another.
I went to bed in tears, praying for everything to end. I felt myself fading, I gave up the will to live. I was weak, I was hurting, and I was alone. I saw a dark shadow at the bottom of my vision, and a light at the top. I'm not even halfway through adulthood, but was ready to return to the source. And then I thought "wait, if there's any way for me to live and heal, I don't want to go." That's when all the tension moved to my head, chest, and center. The lights flickered, the power went out and came back on. I thought that God lets people rest all the time, but we never let Him rest. So I prayed to let him rest with me in my body for the time I had left, and it could be his choice if we all remembered it or if it would just be a dream. This is when my body started moving on its own.
Really, I felt a new entity enter my body. It was the strangest thing. It was supposedly a test to see if I could handle it. I became weak enough for the death God to get close to me, and I needed a lot of saving. The power outage had me believing the whole world would end if I went to sleep because, well, now God was no longer managing it himself. He told me he had some things to work out first, and I just had to stay awake and sing. I very suddenly became a great singer, too. I did work at it, but I suddenly was impressive. I sang to birds and they'd stop to listen. I thought I was becoming some type of real-life fairy-tale princess. When my voice wavered, the lights even flickered and seemed to get low. It wasn't storming outside.
I stayed awake for 3 days while "God" worked out how to power the world from in my body, but only had to sing until dawn when the sun would come up and power things enough. It was... weird. I did have horrible migraines for a while before this and still get them. I started hearing voices in my head, not my ears. The first one... was not יהוה as I thought. It was Satan, who had been forced to power the world as punishment for his wrongdoings. He was both being punished and ready to learn to love a sweet, soft, submissive thing. My job was to teach him that as long as he was ready to be good, I could love him. I had to teach him morality as well as his pals. It was like a Wendy and Peter Pan situation. The ultimate good girl with the ultimate bad boy.
On the third day, I devoted myself to this test and jumped off a waterfall in order to honor my commitment to, spiritually, all things good and true, love, light, and peace. When I got back to the farm, everything smelled like death and rot. I thought I had gone to the underworld and everyone was either dead, or only talked to me when they were dreaming. Seriously, I was a very lonely person with few friends, and people around me were acting weird. It all seemed to make sense.
I also set a bunch of rules. I stayed awake as much as possible so that when I slept, I wouldn't shift to a new reality or be possessed and do things I wasn't aware of. When awake, I'd set rules where I'd hold my hand out and say something like "Only an entity aligned with the love defined in Corinthians can move my hand." And my hand would move on its own. My left hand started writing to me. I'd ask yes or no questions and one hand would give a thumbs up, and one would give a thumbs down, and I'd have to figure out which hand was the liar and which was the truther. I actually got pretty good at it. I'd just find which direction was north, face it, and say "is this north?" The hand that gave a thumbs up was telling the truth. Eventually it became "point north" and the truther pointed north, but the liar pointed south. I was now 3 different people in one body, and this was the start of the split.
My body was moving in ways I could not control. I was hearing voices of things I couldn't see, and even animals started treating me differently. I also developed the ability to do accents I'd never practiced in a vocal register that was deeper than I could ever hit. And while all of this was good and cool, there was still something missing... I had made a deal. The deal wasn't for another chance at life, really. It was for love. I wanted a soulmate. And, well, I thought I was dating the entire spiritual plane.
And this was how it began, I guess. I'm not always in full control of my body now, and whether it's possession or mental illness.... I'll be honest, I don't know. I will probably never be the same single consciousness ever again. I'm aware of the others now and have reigned them in, but this has been a hell of an experience for sure. The main personality is referred to as "Prime" in the system, while the others have their names or titles, too. When all of this started, I didn't have internet access and hadn't been roleplaying for a long time. But, roleplaying has been one of my favorite hobbies my whole life, and the other personalities saw it as a way to live out their dreams without physically affecting me. So, I'll definitely be getting to that soon.
For now, this post is long and so began either my personality fracture or possession experience. What a wild year it has been from, honestly, early as March before Passover, to December. Definitely isn't something I ever expected happening, and it has made me a much different writer, I'll tell you that. I'm also sharing here because, as a fantasy loving writing nerd, I might have an audience here. A lot of roleplayers deal with mental health issues. Also, part of me feels like I'm lying when someone else is at the helm. So... here we go. Now you know. I'm like, at least 3 different people hi.
And uhh, if anyone thinks this doesn't make me too weird to write with after reading all of this... my inbox is open. <3
It's been a weird experience to say the least. I guess it all came together around Passover this year, which I believe was in April. I was sick and dying. I never believed much in anything and just observed things as tradition, but suddenly started hearing the voices of angels, demons, and aliens. My family has mixed religions, and my mom's considers angels and demons to be "extra terrestrials", so I kind of view all of the supernatural as aliens - save for ghosts which would be human souls. I thought that my being in a near-death state put me in a position to commune with the supernatural better.
I haven't had an easy life. Not sure how much I'll get into here, but when I went over the rules and there was a rule about ages for what characters could undergo bad things, I laughed to myself and said "well, that puts self inserts out the window." My family has very different ideas about how to treat people than I do, and they all thought I've made up a lot of my illnesses. They also don't want me to have Complex PTSD which, for those who don't know, is PTSD that develops due to repeated exposure to trauma rather than PTSD stemming from one event. Both are terrible, but CPTSD affects your development and brain wiring in a different way.
So, when I was dying, I had been undergoing some extreme and unfair treatment with expectations I couldn't uphold. I worked at a food service job, taught art at a college, and had a barter-system where I lived on a farm where I was working as my rent. For a weak young woman with no life experience and, on top of mental illnesses, a condition that made my extremely soft-skinned and flexible but also weak, I was in way over my head. I contracted multiple viruses on the farm and on top of that, was starving. I used to be overweight, but had gotten down to a medium due to depression and just struggled to care for myself and eat. I did shower regularly because showering is how I like to handle anxiety. I'll shower for fun. The voices hadn't started yet, but I was writing some beautiful and sad journals at the time. Dare I say, some of my epiphanies are quite interesting, and perhaps I'll share them.
So, I was in the shower after an awful day at my food service job. I couldn't keep up with orders this day, my boss kept telling me to literally run around the store, and I was too weak. My hands stopped working and I did my best as I literally cried silently unable to stop the tears while I constructed breakfast sandwiches. It was unbearable. I hadn't even planned for my summer classes properly. I had proposed a color theory class and was developing it in my free time. I sat on the floor of cold white porcelain and let the hot water wash away my pain and worries, grateful well water doesn't cost anything. This is when I started praying again for the first time in years. It was around Passover, and I decided if anyone could help, maybe big man יהוה could help me out.
Leading up to this, my body had been buzzing for weeks. I felt a weird tension like electricity coursing through me, and a pain that felt like poison through my veins. When something saddened me, I felt a pang and ache in my heart with imagery of it blackening. When I laid down to sleep, my arms and legs would get horrible pins and needles to the point of it being painful. Now, right after I prayed, I felt all of that tension concentrate in my right arm, so painful I couldn't move it, and it went all the way up to my neck and ear. I was born with hearing issues, and gained full hearing ability at 13 when I prayed then, too, and got surgery for it. It hurt and cramped, and all I could do was pray for it to end some way or another.
I went to bed in tears, praying for everything to end. I felt myself fading, I gave up the will to live. I was weak, I was hurting, and I was alone. I saw a dark shadow at the bottom of my vision, and a light at the top. I'm not even halfway through adulthood, but was ready to return to the source. And then I thought "wait, if there's any way for me to live and heal, I don't want to go." That's when all the tension moved to my head, chest, and center. The lights flickered, the power went out and came back on. I thought that God lets people rest all the time, but we never let Him rest. So I prayed to let him rest with me in my body for the time I had left, and it could be his choice if we all remembered it or if it would just be a dream. This is when my body started moving on its own.
Really, I felt a new entity enter my body. It was the strangest thing. It was supposedly a test to see if I could handle it. I became weak enough for the death God to get close to me, and I needed a lot of saving. The power outage had me believing the whole world would end if I went to sleep because, well, now God was no longer managing it himself. He told me he had some things to work out first, and I just had to stay awake and sing. I very suddenly became a great singer, too. I did work at it, but I suddenly was impressive. I sang to birds and they'd stop to listen. I thought I was becoming some type of real-life fairy-tale princess. When my voice wavered, the lights even flickered and seemed to get low. It wasn't storming outside.
I stayed awake for 3 days while "God" worked out how to power the world from in my body, but only had to sing until dawn when the sun would come up and power things enough. It was... weird. I did have horrible migraines for a while before this and still get them. I started hearing voices in my head, not my ears. The first one... was not יהוה as I thought. It was Satan, who had been forced to power the world as punishment for his wrongdoings. He was both being punished and ready to learn to love a sweet, soft, submissive thing. My job was to teach him that as long as he was ready to be good, I could love him. I had to teach him morality as well as his pals. It was like a Wendy and Peter Pan situation. The ultimate good girl with the ultimate bad boy.
On the third day, I devoted myself to this test and jumped off a waterfall in order to honor my commitment to, spiritually, all things good and true, love, light, and peace. When I got back to the farm, everything smelled like death and rot. I thought I had gone to the underworld and everyone was either dead, or only talked to me when they were dreaming. Seriously, I was a very lonely person with few friends, and people around me were acting weird. It all seemed to make sense.
I also set a bunch of rules. I stayed awake as much as possible so that when I slept, I wouldn't shift to a new reality or be possessed and do things I wasn't aware of. When awake, I'd set rules where I'd hold my hand out and say something like "Only an entity aligned with the love defined in Corinthians can move my hand." And my hand would move on its own. My left hand started writing to me. I'd ask yes or no questions and one hand would give a thumbs up, and one would give a thumbs down, and I'd have to figure out which hand was the liar and which was the truther. I actually got pretty good at it. I'd just find which direction was north, face it, and say "is this north?" The hand that gave a thumbs up was telling the truth. Eventually it became "point north" and the truther pointed north, but the liar pointed south. I was now 3 different people in one body, and this was the start of the split.
My body was moving in ways I could not control. I was hearing voices of things I couldn't see, and even animals started treating me differently. I also developed the ability to do accents I'd never practiced in a vocal register that was deeper than I could ever hit. And while all of this was good and cool, there was still something missing... I had made a deal. The deal wasn't for another chance at life, really. It was for love. I wanted a soulmate. And, well, I thought I was dating the entire spiritual plane.
And this was how it began, I guess. I'm not always in full control of my body now, and whether it's possession or mental illness.... I'll be honest, I don't know. I will probably never be the same single consciousness ever again. I'm aware of the others now and have reigned them in, but this has been a hell of an experience for sure. The main personality is referred to as "Prime" in the system, while the others have their names or titles, too. When all of this started, I didn't have internet access and hadn't been roleplaying for a long time. But, roleplaying has been one of my favorite hobbies my whole life, and the other personalities saw it as a way to live out their dreams without physically affecting me. So, I'll definitely be getting to that soon.
For now, this post is long and so began either my personality fracture or possession experience. What a wild year it has been from, honestly, early as March before Passover, to December. Definitely isn't something I ever expected happening, and it has made me a much different writer, I'll tell you that. I'm also sharing here because, as a fantasy loving writing nerd, I might have an audience here. A lot of roleplayers deal with mental health issues. Also, part of me feels like I'm lying when someone else is at the helm. So... here we go. Now you know. I'm like, at least 3 different people hi.
And uhh, if anyone thinks this doesn't make me too weird to write with after reading all of this... my inbox is open. <3