Camp Lake Pleasant For Neurodivergent Teens (MsBloom x DarkDreamer9110)

[DarkDreamer9110]

Lexa (or sometimes Axel) Dawson gazed out the window of the car as her mother drove under the big sign welcoming them to Camp Lake Pleasant For Neurodivergent Teens. It wasn't Lexa's first summer camp for neurodivergent kids, although this specific one was new to her. Her last one, the one she had been going to since she was around 8, was no longer an option since her family had moved almost across the country from it. Fortunately, one of the administrators of the camp had suggested Camp Lake Pleasant as a possible replacement, even arranging a meeting with the administrators to make sure that Lexa could still be a senior student counselor, as she would have been if she'd still been going to her old one. She had the experience, the qualifications, and her old camp's endorsement. She'd been a junior counselor for a couple years already.

The counselors and administrative staff were expected to arrive a full week before the main campers arrived, to give them time to adjust and get settled before the rest of the campers arrived.

Lexa had been known in her old camp as the LGBTQIA+ counselor, or as she had been dubbed by one of her friends, the transelor. Camp Lake Pleasant's staff had suggested she take a position to lead a support and education group for the queer neurodivergent kids (of which there was no shortage, given overlap between queerness and neurodivergence).

When she got out of the car, she smiled at her mom, who got out to hug her. "I'm so proud of you, Lexa. This is a big deal. My little girl, a senior counselor. I know you'll do amazing. I hope you'll make friends."

Lexa nodded. "I'll see if that happens." She said, pulling back from the hug and checking the pin on her shirt. It was divided into two sections, an inner and outer ring, and the outer section could spin. The top of the inner circle read "My Name Is" with an arrow pointing to the top of the outer ring, and the bottom of the inner ring read "Please Do Not Use" with an arrow pointing to the bottom of the outer section. The outer section was divided into two semicircular arches, the one currently at the top and oriented upright reading "Lexa, She/Her pronouns" it, the upside down section read "Axel," with "They/Them" as the pronouns.

Satisfied the pin was in the appropriate position, she smiled at her mom, giving her a brief hug again. "Alright, Mom. I'll see you at the end of summer. Love you. Bye."

As her mom got in the car and drove off, Lexa made her way to the administrative cabin to check in, where she was greeted by the camp's head administrative counselor, Georgette Mayhew.

After a quick introduction and signing in, she was asked to wait for everyone else to arrive, with the freedom to make herself comfortable in the large lobby. An array of stim toys were available, as were a variety of comfortable seats, noise-cancelling headphones, and various other accomodations.

 

[MsBloom]

Cole/Colleen

Cole put down their duffel bag on the ground and took the backpack from the boot of their aunt's car. They strapped it to their back and looked up at the more than familiar surroundings. It was their tenth year at Camp Lake Pleasant, although it was only their third year at the camp for neurodivergent teens. Before their thirteenth birthday they had been at the camp for neurodivergent children, which was closer to the small road that led up to the lake. And now they were here two weeks early because they were going to be a junior counsellor and help lead a group focusing on LBTQIA+. It was something they had already helped with to some extent the two previous years.

It had been almost five years since they themselves had come out as non-binary, although they were mostly presenting masc, sometimes (if not quite often) to the point of stuffing a pair of rolled up socks into their boxer briefs. They had also recently begun to wear a binder after noticing that their breasts had begun to grow. They still wore make up though, not much, mostly just a bit of eyeliner.

That day as they picked up their duffelbag from the ground, closed the boot of the car and with something that was supposed to be a smile waved goodbye to their aunt, the wore loos fitting jeans, a black long sleeved t-shirt with a green short sleeve with the text Wildwood across the chest over it. It was not a t-shirt that had any real significance except that it was green and green was their favourite colour and they always tried to wear something green every day.

As they walked towards the administration building to check in with Dvorak's Cello concerto in D Minor playing in their Bose noise cancelling headphones they saw many familiar faces, some of which they had known since their first year at Lake Pleasant, others more recent, most of them friendly but none they would call a friend, not really. Friends was still a difficult concept for them to grasp, girlfriend and/or boyfriends (such as their two years older sister had) was even more difficult for them to grasp. Not on a strictly intellectual level perhaps but on an emotional level. They had tried to make actual friends, (which as far as they understood it were people to whom you could talk all night about just about whatever nonsense came into your head, who wouldn't judge you for being who you were, with whom you shared a connection that didn't always require words to be spoken, people you wanted to hang with (their sister's words) go shopping with, have coffee with, not that Cole had ever gone shopping without their aunt, uncle or on rare occasions their grandmother, they didn't like coffee and didn't see the point of drinking it with or without company ("well a Dr Pepper or Cherry Coke then," their sister had said slightly annoyed at their weird sibling, adorable and highly loved but weird as six toes on a Sunday), people with who you shared an interest, a hobby, music, movies or books you liked), and there had been candidates but none so far that had ticked all the boxes. ("But it's not about ticking boxes," their sister had explained. "It's about whether you like spending time with them or talk to them, if they make you feel comfortable talking to them and them talking to you.") Cole almost never felt comfortable talking to anyone or being talked to.

Well ... There was Erin, a girl they had met their first year at Lake Pleasant as a teenager. They had bonded without a single word being spoken between them over the four hand piano version of Igor Stravinsky's Rite of Spring. Cole, at the time actually in the shape of Colleen, had been sitting at the grand piano in the music room toying with the opening melody, making up variations of it when Erin, a very girly girl with long flowing black hair, deep brown eyes, wearing a pale green dress that just happened to match Colleen's top, had sat down next to them and started playing along. Thirty minutes later they looked at one another for the first time and started over. Another thirty minutes later they repeated the process this time Colleen attempted to smile. Yet another thirty minutes later they were interrupted, by the music counsellor Indra Blake before repeating the process. She told them it was time for supper and then the evening assembly. They had both nodded and then looking at one another again had both spoken their names almost simultaneously.

Erin was one person Cole actually felt comfortable talking to and being talked to by, mostly about music they both liked or that one of them liked and wanted the other to like too. They exchanged playlists of their favourite composers, musicians and conductors. There were perhaps not many words exchanged between them in their conversations but that was after all one of the criteria for friendship (was it not?) And they liked hanging out with her, mostly at the grand piano though, either playing Rite of Spring or improvising (as they began to do after three days and another nineteen renditions of said favourite piece of music. They conversed through their music but away from the piano they barely spent time in the same room, except for meals and mandatory group activities. The playlists and commentaries on them (some of which were quite wordy) all happened online via text messages and Spotify links.

Erin was as close to an actual friend as Cole had ever come. And yet ... beyond their deep interest in music they shared no other interests. Beyond their favourite composers, conductors and musicians, favourite pieces of music, they knew very little about each other. In face all Cole really knew for certain about Erin was her name, that they were both the same age, and that Erin was a girl both by birth and her own perception. This was also basically all Erin knew about Cole/Colleen (or just Coll as Erin called them and was the only one who did) as well. Name, age and ... Erin was less sure about Coll's gender identity. She knew they identified as non-binary but was not entirely sure the final (proverbial) word had been said on the matter.

They were never seen hanging out just to share a drink of their own liking, whether coffee or Dr Pepper. They were never seen talking or whispering in hushed voices. In fact away from the grand piano, deprived of their means of communication they could just as easily have been complete strangers. This was part of what Cole did not understand about friends, socialising. And yet, as Cole walked past Erin they gave a nod in greeting and recognition. They both even practised smiling at each other. It was obvious to an attentive observer that they two appreciated the other's presence.

It was not until they entered the lobby of the administrative building that Cole saw the first unfamiliar face of the the day. Sitting in one of the many and various armchairs was a person who by the looks of it was a girl, though Cole knew not to draw conclusions. They did not nod in her direction but as they walked past her to the head counsellor's office they noticed the pin, made a note of it in their head and knocked on Ms Mayhew's open door almost the very second the music ended.
"Ah come on in Cole," said Ms Mayhew.
There was little to no conversation between Ms Mayhew and Cole. She checked of their name on the list of junior counsellors and with a smile explained that it was customary for all junior counsellors to be paired with a senior counsellor to which Cole nodded. They knew this and waited for Ms Mayhew to continue.
"This year however we have a senior counsellor with many years of experience but at another camp for neurodivergent children. She have almost no knowledge or experience of Lake Pleasant though and I thought that since this is your tenth summer here you know the area quite well. You know many of the others who are here as both junior and senior counsellors, you know all the staff from Mr Jimmies our cook all the way up to our adult counsellors, it might perhaps be a good idea to pair you with her. She is waiting right outside."
Again Cole nodded and when Ms Mayhew accompanied them back out into the lobby they nodded at Lexa, (as the pin on her shirt stated her name to be)
"My name is Cole," they said and nodded as if to confirm their statement.

 

[DarkDreamer9110]

Lexa had largely kept to herself, earbuds in and music playing as she watched the other counselors as they arrived, giving polite nods of acknowledgement when accidental eye contact was made. She'd been told she would be paired up with another counsellor who was already familiar with the camp and stuff.

When the boyish-looking person approached her, she dutifully paused her music and pulled out an earbud to show she was listening. She looked up at the person as they introduced themselves. "Hello, Cole." She said, standing up and holding out her hand with a brief moment of eye contact, a quick perfunctory glance to fulfill social obligation. "I'm Lexa, my pronouns are currently she/her. Sometimes my name is Axel and I use they/them pronouns, but if that's the case, I'll spin the pin to show it." She said, tapping the pin with her other hand. "Ms. Mayhew said I'd be paired with someone who's familiar with this place. I assume that's you?"

 

[MsBloom]

Cole/Colleen

Cole nodded almost mechanically and removed their headphones, placing them around their neck instead of over their ears to signal that they were listening, as Lexa introduced herself and tried to not avoid meeting the girl's eyes when she made eye contact. They nodded again when she added her pronouns.
"I use they/them," they said
"It is easier because sometimes I am also Colleen, which is the name I was given at birth and assigned female."
They nodded again to confirm the veracity of their statement and glanced at Lexa's pin hoping she didn't think they were staring at her breasts and wondering whether they were real of if she was AMAB and used prosthetics to fill out her chest which they didn't but was aware that sometimes looking at a pin or reading the text on a t-shirt gave that impression. She was also taller than they were and they had to tilt their head up to meet her eyes, to at least seem like they made eye contact, but then as they lowered their eyes again they were a lot more on level with her chest.

Every time that happened they also became painfully aware of their own breasts. Even if they were flattened by a binder, like they were at that moment, they still felt that there was a hint of them disfiguring their t-shirt.

When she extended her hand though they just shook their head and kept their hand at their side. Shaking hands was a greeting ritual they still had trouble understanding but it was of course not nearly as bad as those people who invaded their personal space even more by trying to hug them. Instead they nodded after having signalled that they had no intention of shaking hands by shaking their head.
"I'm sorry," they said and attempted an apologetic smile.
"I don't like being touched or touching other people," they explained and then nodded again to confirm Lexa's assumption that they was the one she would be paired with because of the difference in experience with the camp, how it worked, the adult staff, the kids and the surroundings.

"Did you make that pin yourself?" they then asked as it was something they had wondered about since they first noticed it and shifted their weight from one foot to the other and back again, something they often did when they were unsure about whether they had done or said something inappropriate.

 

[DarkDreamer9110]

Lexa noticed Cole's reticence to shake hands and dropped hers back to her side with a shrug. "No need to apologize, Cole. I don't really like the handshaking thing either. It's just ... Expectation." She said.

When Cole asked about the pin, she smiled. "More or less. I could make you one, if you wanted. I was already planning on doing an arts and crafts for the trans and gender-nonconforming kids to make name and pronoun pins or bracelets or such."

She nodded at Cole's mention of being AFAB. "I was AMAB. My birth name was Alex. Lexa was supposed to be the name of my twin. She died in utero. When I realized I was genderfluid, I decided to use it as my girl name to honour her. And I picked Axel for my non-girl name because it was an anagram of Lexa and Alex. And then things got ... Weird when puberty hit. It turns out I'd sort of absorbed Lexa in the womb. It's called fetal twin resorption or vanishing twin syndrome, and it results in what's called chimerism. While most of her didn't really stay intact, I apparently kept most of her ... Female sex parts. They were slightly underdeveloped but functional, and well, when my parents let me start female hormones, it kind of ... Got that whole system up and running. Like jump starting a car. So I wound up in the ER with a fever and massive cramps, being told I was intersex with ovaries, a womb, and a vaginal canal full of menstrual blood with no way out on the verge of going septic. They had two options. They could remove the female bits or they could remove my testicles and use my scrotum to form a vaginal opening. I was genderfluid between girl and "not girl but also not boy," and finding out I actually had feminine parts was affirming. So I basically got medically necessary GCS. It was PPV, or penile preservation vaginoplasty. Well, more vulvaplasty since the vagina was already there. But the point is, I have a penis and a vagina ..." She trailed off as her face grew downcast. "Shit. I just infodumped a lot of squicky TMI on you, didn't I? Sorry. I ramble when I'm nervous. Infodumping helps me feel less nervous."

 

[MsBloom]

Cole/Colleen

Cole nodded and repeated the word: Expectations. There were so many of them on how to behave in social situations, what was appropriate to say and/or do in which situations. Handshakes was bad enough as an expected greeting ritual but there were worse. There were huggers, those people who seemed to think that invading a persons personal space with an embrace was an appropriate form of greeting them. They shuddered at the thought and remembered the last time someone had hugged them without first asking and receiving permission. It had been their birthday a few years back and the child of one of their aunt's semi serious acquaintances had just simply walked up to them and given them a big, Long, birthday hug to which they had reacted by freezing the way a deer in the headlights of an oncoming truck does. Luckily that acquaintance did not last long after that incident.

That was what they had always liked best about the camp for neurodivergent children and teenagers at Lake Pleasant. There were no social expectations, at least not many. There was no expectations to touch anyone to greet them, or to smile, or even to look anyone in the eyes when you talked to them. It was of course encouraged as part of training for life among the neurotypicals.

It was the same in their class at school back in Boston. It was them and five other neurodivergent students about which Cole knew almost nothing but their names, what subjects they were good at and which they weren't, which subjects they liked and which they didn't. Among them there was one other who was also gender non-conforming, another AFAB who identified as agender and preferred the pronoun It, which at first Cole had had a hard time understanding. It was used about objects and sometimes about animals, animals that were not pets, at least not your own pets, not that they had ever actually had a pet of their own but their aunt had a Labrador Retriever called Charlie which seemed to be able to read Cole quite well, sometimes better than their aunt and/or their teachers, who almost always seemed to know when something was wrong or when they were struggling with something that neurotypicals barely even thought about, but then Reece as Its name was had explained that while it was of course sensitive to use the It pronoun about a person without them having specifically said that it was what they preferred it was not an objectification. This was of course because most people could not imagine being without gender and thus felt that using a genderless pronoun was to objectify someone (even if that someone had actually specified that they preferred the genderless It pronoun).

It had gone on to explain that while Cole identified as non-binary, as both boy and girl, or at least as neither fully boy nor fully girl they still identified with a gender. Reece on the other hand was as It said genderless which as a word made more sense to Cole than agender, (which of course they knew what it meant but it was harder to relate to than genderless). It had then gone on to explain that for someone not fully identifying with either of the two binary genders but as a neutral gender identity between the two, the way grey is between black and white, or orange between red and yellow, green between blue and yellow, it made sense to use the genderneutral singular they, which had been used in the English language since at least the 14th century but if you did not identify as genderneutral but as genderless It made more sense because it was a genderless pronoun rather than gender neutral.

Cole had listened and nodded after It had explained that they had understood. It was the longest conversation the Reece ad Cole had ever had and it had lasted all of seven minutes. Before and after that conversation the two had barely spoken to one another. Though their headteacher Ms Watson had noted that after that conversation, while they again barely spoke to one another the two seemed to have bonded in some emotionally detached way that she could not quite explain, much in the same was as the case was with Erin at the camp. There was an almost telepathic communication where neither of them felt much need for words.

At the mention of an LBTQIA+ themed arts and crafts group in response to their question about the pin Cole nodded to signal that it was something they would be interested in and when she then mentioned making bracelets as well as pins they attempted a smile. A bracelet was more along the lines of what they would feel comfortable with. It was more discreet, which perhaps in a way forfeited the purpose of not having to tell people their preferred pronouns or their preferred name of the day, or hour, but it would also draw a lot less attention to their chest and the lumps there, which they wanted to draw as little attention to as possible as Cole. Maybe they could make both a pin and two bracelets, one for Cole and one for Colleen. They nodded to themselves at this idea. They also thought that perhaps they could make pins that would signal both gender identity and sexual orientation (as much as they had one) through symbols and colours. It would make life a lot easier if they could communicate basic concepts like name, pronouns and such to people without words, and to also have the option, when the context required it or it was socially appropriate, to signal, gender identity and sexuality without words. They attempted a smile at the idea of more pins like that, for instance one that could be changed to signal mood since it was almost never obvious to anyone other than their aunt and some of their teachers whether they were happy, sad or angry, and of course to Charlie as well.

They then listened as Lexa began to explain how she/they had absorbed their twin in utero, presumably quite late in her/their mother's pregnancy since the result had been that she/they were born with both her/their twin sister's reproductive organs as well as her/their own male organs. They nodded at what felt like appropriate intervals to signal that they were in fact listening while their eyes seemed focused far behind Lexa, or wandering around the room as if they were barely aware of anyone else's presence. They had found puberty confusing, when their breasts had started to grow but compared to the confusion Lexa must have felt when the doctors found her/their sister's reproductive organs inside her and the surgery she/they had then gone through. This brought three questions to mind for Cole.

The first went back to whether or not her/their breasts were natural. If she had been born with her/their twin sister's vagina hidden inside without a vulva, then it was entirely possible that she/they also produced both testosterone and oestrogen, which certainly made it entirely plausible that her breasts were all natural. This question was not in any way sexual in nature, not that her/their breasts were not beautiful (as much as could be determined through her/their clothes.

The other question it brought to mind was why she had not chosen he/him as the preferred pronoun for Axel when she used she/her for Lexa. This was something they themself had spent some time thinking about when they had begun to realise that they were not entirely a girl but also not entirely a boy, that they were both Cole and Colleen. They had at first felt that they could switch between the male and female pronouns depending on how they felt, whether they were Cole or Colleen, but even though they were careful to present undoubtedly feminine when they felt comfortable being Colleen, skirts, leggings, tunics, blouses and the occasional dress but also a bra to make their breasts more visible instead of flattening them with a binder, it got rather confusing in the end so they settled for singular they which mean they didn't constantly have to tell people what pronouns they currently preferred. Also; not long after they had entered puberty they began to feel the lines between Cole and Colleen blurring and their identity was no longer as simple as either or but a shifting scale between the two which led to them starting to identify more naturally with they/them.

It was this line of thought that led them to the third question which was about the difference between non-binary and genderfluid. Since both gender identities appeared to be an inbetween state that was neither fully male nor fully female it seemed to them that they were just different words for the same thing, much like how Reece had clarified agender by calling it genderless instead.

They only asked the latter two of those question in one breath, they were too embarrassed to ask the first one and almost quite certain that it was not an appropriate question to ask a person you had only just met and exchanged less than fifty words with, as if they were one and the same question without much change in their voice to even indicate they were questions.

 

[DarkDreamer9110]

Lexa nodded at the questions. "Okay, let's start with the pronouns. So, the short answer is, even when my gender, or my feeling of what my gender is, changes from 'girl,' it never goes to 'boy.' It goes to 'not girl but also not boy.' You know how gender is a spectrum? Imagine a simple greyscale spectrum. Black on one extreme, white on the other, with this whole gradient of greys between. For this example, let's imagine 'woman' is the far black extreme and 'man' is the far white extreme, with all the greys being all the different non-binary genders. I know that's not entirely accurate and a massive oversimplification since not all non-binary identities are just different mixes of 'boy' and 'girl,' and that would be more like that colour selection thing on computers, you know, the rainbow gradient across and then how you adjust light and dark by moving it up and down between black and white?"

"But right now, I'm simplifying things for the sake of explanation since the different amounts of boy/girl feelings are the relevant thing. So, when I'm Lexa, I'm solidly in the far black. Very definitely 'woman.' And when I'm Axel, I don't go all the way into the white to 'boy.' I only move about halfway, to the middle of that spectrum. 50/50 mix of boy and girl. Neutral. So neither 'she' nor 'he' feels like it fits. But 'they' is a gender-neutral pronoun. It fits. So I use 'they' in that mode because 'he' doesn't fit. I have honestly never felt like a 'boy.'"

"So, what is 'genderfluid' and how is it different than being non-binary? The short answer is, non-binary is any identity that doesn't align solely with the binary of woman-man. It's a big umbrella term. Genderfluid is a micro label under it. Basically, you know how all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares? Genderfluid is a type of non-binary, but not all non-binary people are genderfluid. Continuing the colour gradient thing, with genderfluidity, it means one's gender shifts between two or more points on the colour gradient. As I mentioned, in my case, it goes between "woman" and "neutral." Some people switch between man and woman. Others switch between various non-binary genders. Others still can switch between three or five or even ten spots on the spectrum."

She paused, watching for Cole's reaction "I hope that explains things. I could go on for hours about gender stuff. It's one of my hyperfixations."

 

[MsBloom]

Cole/Colleen

Cole nodded. It did explain things, at least on a very basic level. They had nodded that to think of gender as a seamless scale of grey made sense but had also agreed (with a nod) that it made even more sense to think of it like a seamless scale of all the colours with the option to adjust towards light or dark shades. They had not thought of it being that complex before but it made sense when Lexa mention it. They listened as Lexa then placed herself within that scale of greys, explaining how Lexa was basically a binary, solidly and unambiguously, female. While her other perceived gender aspect/identity was less clearly defined but rather somewhere in the medium dark greys, far from both the black and the white. Cole nodded as they listened, both to signal that they were paying attention and that they understood.

And then they spoke.

"It's like that with me as well," they said and began the longest uninterrupted speech they had made all day, no all week (if not longer).
"At first I thought it was as easy as black or white with, to use your colour analogy, Cole in the solid white and Colleen in the solid black, and it was that easy until puberty began to complicate things. At first it was Cole that began to slide into the light greys because as I started to grow breasts I began to question my perceived male identity because of them. It was as if for a short period of time I almost had myself convinced that it had just been something I had made up in my head. That changed when I understood that I was, despite breasts and menstruation or maybe because of it, less comfortable as a girl than I was as a boy. Most of the time at least. It became less and clear, the lines between Cole and Colleen became blurred to the point where I was having quite a lot of difficulty understanding what I felt more like, boy or girl, but I still tried being mostly Colleen because that was what Mom and Dad expected me to be and they did not want me to talk about how I felt more like a boy even if it was not entirely like a boy but also not entirely, maybe actually less, like a girl. That was when my aunt intervened and I do not know what she told Mom and Dad she was just waiting for me on day after school with all my stuff packed into her station wagon and said I was going to live with her instead and that I no longer had to be a girl if I did not feel like one. Oddly enough, a few days after I had moved in with my aunt I asked if we could go shopping for a bra, and it didn't feel as weird as I had thought it would. We also bought my first real binder and it felt so right when I looked at myself in the mirror when wearing it under my shirt."

They nodded to confirm what they had just said but still didn't look directly at Lexa, much less tried to make eye contact. All through their speech about how their egg has hatched and begun to evolve into the inbetween gender they now identified as, even if they still was unsure where exactly on the scale of colours and shades they were, their voice had been almost without tone, there was almost no rhythm to it either. It was almost like one long monotonous drone of words at a relatively quick but steady pace where it was sometimes hard to separate one sentence from another.

And yet it seemed to Cole that they had perhaps not actually said what they had actually intended to say and so they began to nervously shuffle their feet. They were not even entirely sure what they had actually tried to say, which was unusual for them because they very rarely spoke more than a few words, a few sentences at best, at the time and never without having first thought about every word they said to ensure that the intention of their words was as clear as it could possibly be. The kind of rant they had just spoken was highly uncharacteristic, enough so that Ms Mayhew stuck her head out of her office and looked at them with raised eyebrows and then looked rather quizzically at Lexa as if to ask how she had managed to get that man words out of Cole in such a short time. It was almost more than they usually spoke during the entire month they spent at camp. She said nothing though but would let the two continue getting acquainted and see how their relationship would affect Cole's ability to understand social interaction.

Having spoken as many words as they had Cole now just nodded at Lexa again but this time in a way that suggest she should follow them so they could show her around. First they walked to the cabins where the counsellors were to sleep, the juniors in one cabin and the seniors in another, those who identified as male in one and those who identified as female in another and those who, like Cole and Lexa were somewhere inbetween, in a third. There were six small cabins for the counsellors altogether. After having dropped off their bags in the non-binary junior cabin, having carefully chosen a bed where they could sleep on their right side facing the wall, they then walked Lexa to the main communal building where there were rooms for art, games, watching tv or movies and for music. The music room was the last one Cole showed Lexa because they had heard Debussy's Cathédrale Engloutie played on the piano and certain that it was Erin, the two of them had practised the piece each on their own since they had last met at camp the year before and sent digital recordings back and forth between them to document and communicate their progress (often with brief tips on how to solve certain parts or explanatory instructions on tempo, fingering and flow, they had not wanted to distract her or allow themself to be distracted into showing her what they had learned by sitting down to play their version of the piece and forget about Lexa.

They gave a nod at Erin and then showed Lexa that there were a lot of other instruments available and explained that there was quite a lot of musical activity at the camp because: "Music is like a communication where you are not required to use words".

 

[DarkDreamer9110]

Lexa smiled as Cole nodded agreement about the complexity of gender as a spectrum. She listened as Cole spoke of their own experiences with their gender exploration. Lexa could recognise infodumping when she heard it, and knew better than to interrupt, especially when it seemed that the person doing the infodumping tended to be very minimalist in their speech. She nodded where appropriate, and then, when Cole finished and Ms Mayhew poked her head out to see what had gotten Cole chattering away, gave a shrug and mouthed the word "infodumping."

She looked back at Cole and nodded again. "Hey, I get it. Gender is fucking complicated, and sometimes we think we've figured ourselves out only to wind up going back and forth and in all kinds of circles about the labels. I had a friend back from my old camp, Neb, who, I shit you not, would come back nearly every summer with a new gender identity and usually a whole different pronoun set. They went by Neb because it could be short for either Nebula, if they were feeling more feminine, or Nebuchadnezzar, if they were feeling more masculine. But anyways, poor soul couldn't figure out a gender identity that worked. Last time we talked, earlier this year, they said they'd finally found a gender identity that worked for them. Pendogender, which basically means never being satisfied with your gender or feeling settled no matter how well it fits due to self-doubt, causing one to compulsively search and seek out something that fits even better. It's a neurogender, which is a gender identity that is influenced by or connected to psychological or neurological conditions. There are a lot of neurogenders, usually associated with or intended for specific neurodivergences. Pendogender is meant for people with anxiety disorders, OCD, and OCPD, because it's related to anxiety around not having the perfect label for one's gender." She said.

And then they were off on the tour of the camp, including a brief stop at the counselors' cabins where both Lexa and Cole made their bunk selections, and then it was on to the main communal building, which had all kinds of cool things. When they entered the music room, Lexa noted that Cole and the girl already in the room seemed to know each other.

She nodded as Cole explained why the camp tended to have a lot of musical activity. "I get it. Sometimes, when I've gone non-speaking, I've used clips from songs, usually instrumentals, to express to my parents or therapist or whoever what I'm feeling. I also started learning ASL for those times, and I've noticed that having to sign helps kind of like stimming does. Because I have to focus on the specific gestures, it gives my brain something to feel in control of." She said.

When Lexa finished, she paused, a thoughtful expression on their face, and then moved one hand to the name/pronoun pin and spun the outer ring so that "Axel, They/Them pronouns" was now on top.

Axel smiled at Cole apologetically as they gestured at the pin. "Sorry about that. Can't even tell you why my gender just shifted. It just ... does that. Genderfluid dynamics are weird. I could be back to feminine in a minute, an hour, a day, or even next week for all I know." They said.

"I don't really play an instrument, myself, but I do think it's cool when people do know how to play. And I do kind of like listening to music and stuff."

 

[MsBloom]

Cole/Colleen

Having nodded at Lexa's comment about not playing any instrument but enjoying music as a listener Cole acknowledged her shift from Lexa/she to Axel/they with another nod and yet another to confirm that it was very much like themself to never really being able to explain why their gender shifted from Cole to Colleen or the other way around. It happened, sometimes in just a matter of seconds in all kinds of situations to which they had found no pattern. Sometimes it lasted entire days and sometimes it was just a quick flash of identifying as a girl rather than a boy, or vice versa on the rare days when they mostly identified as Colleen. Mostly it happened over night though. They went to bed as Cole and woke up as Colleen, and usually they didn't switch gender identity while they were awake but whenever it happened it was always very confusing, even to themself. Most confusing was when they had woken up as Colleen and presented femme and then suddenly and without any warning switched to Cole, who then might find themself wearing a dress with girly underwear, a bra instead of a binder, panties instead of boxer briefs. In those situations, despite being afab, they always felt as if they were crossdressing. It was perhaps a bit less confusing if their gender switched from Cole to Colleen. It was simply easier to get away with presenting masc while identifying as female.

Then there were the times and days when they couldn't define which gender they were, whether they were a boy or a girl or something inbetween. Those were most days and some mornings they would have to stand in front of the two closets they had at their aunt's house, one for Cole and one for Colleen, and try to determine which end of the scale they felt closest to. Some days they even had to first try on underwear to determine which they felt most comfortable with. They usually began with boxer briefs because they felt comfortable with that quite far to the female side of the scale. They then first tried the binder and if that didn't feel right they then put on a bra. This process could take a little time and some mornings they ended up arriving late to school. However, their aunt had informed the school and their teachers about this and there was never any mention of them being late, just a quick information about what they had missed. Mostly though, even on the days when they were inbetween they preferred Cole and almost always presented mostly masc, though they more often tended to wear make up and as their agendered classmate back home had once commented they tended to wear more elaborate make up the further to the female end of the scale they were on a specific day. It had also concluded that they tended to wear more feminine tops on those days.

Having now shown Lexa/Axel all of the camp, at least the important bits and buildings, they ended the tour with another nod and sat down next to Erin who moved to the right without even blinking. The two then, without a word or any obvious signal between them, began to play the four handed version of Stravinsky's Rite of Spring and the moment Cole's hands had touched the keys on the grand piano it was as if Lexa/Axel had never even existed. There was only the music, the interaction between their low notes and Erin's high notes to create complex poly-rhythmic structures of harmony and dissonance. There was only the wordless communication between the two friends both of whom were so engulfed in the music that when Ms Orwell, one of the staff members in charge of the musical activities, came to collect them for lunch she had to wait until Cole had played that ominously fateful last polychord where in the choreography The Chosen One has finally danced themself to death and the dancer throw their head sharply back to indicate the neck being broken. The chord itself is something of a musical pun as it spells out dead. Whether this was intentional or not is still up for debate and the world might never know.

Ms Orwell knew better than to give the two young musicians an applause but rather just smiled and nodded to show her appreciation of their performance of the complex piece, one they had played together ever since they first met and had over the years perfected, almost without a single word being spoken between them.

Before going to the dining hall though Cole first went to their cabin and added a dark shade of purple lipstick to their make up as they had felt a slide rather than a switch in their gender. They were more femme now and the lipstick was intended to communicate that. They also changed their green t-shirt to a pink crop top with BORIS printed in white on it. They were still Cole, still they, but much closer to Colleen than they had been that morning when they had met Lexa/Axel for the first time, as they entered the dining hall and without looking at anything else they walked right up to the buffet table and began to place food on different plates, one plate for each type of food, scrambled eggs and half an omelette on one plate, two thick slices of bacon and a slice of smoked ham on another, two pieces of dry toast and a bran muffin on a third, no butter, no honey, jam or peanut butter on either, though they did place two large spoonfuls of smooth peanut butter on a separate plate along with the same amount of Nutella. By the time they reached the salad section their first tray was full and so they took another and began placing different vegetables into different bowls, tomatoes in one, cucumber in another, lettuce in a third and dressing on the side. This took up almost an entire tray as well.

 

[DarkDreamer9110]

Axel could tell, almost to the second, when Cole's entire attention had shifted away from them and to the piano and the girl playing it. Axel watched for a bit, silently observing the two musicians. They were seamless, the coordination between them a quiet synchronicity. No words were exchanged, no attention given to the other's performance, and yet the harmonies and dissonances were each deliberate, a synergy of sound binding the two.

It was clear that the tour had been concluded and Cole had moved on from the task of showing Axel around. There was no point to remaining, nor to saying goodbye, since neither of the two people playing were aware of the outside world at this point, so Axel quietly made their exit.

They found their way to the small library room the communal building held. It had plenty of comfortable seats of different types, a decent selection of books, and currently no other occupants. They found a book that seemed interesting, found a comfy seat, and disappeared into their own little world until lunchtime.

They had already gotten their plate sorted and had found a seat when they saw Cole, now sporting a very cool shade of purple lipstick, loading up multiple trays with food clearly sorted into different groups. They stifled a chuckle before getting up and walking over. "I see you have a very thorough system for food separation." They observed, tone carefully neutral to indicate simple observation rather than anything that could be considered judgmental. "Need a hand with any of those trays?"

 

[MsBloom]

Cole/Colleen

Cole nodded in response both to Axel's comment on the way they separated their food and to the offer of a helping hand to carry the tray's to a table. Usually some of the staff, a counsellor, or in much rarer cases, one of the other kids attending the camp, helped them. It had never been an issue.

There were almost no kids at the camp that didn't have some quirk regarding their food. Erin for instance never drank anything but still water that could not be too chilled. She preferred it at room temperature. She also did not eat red food.

Then there was Malik who ate his food alphabetically, which had at first caused the kitchen staff some minor issues until Ms Mayhew had suggested not specifying the ingredients in his food, like for instance instead of detailing the contents of Lasagna as pasta sheets layered with a meat sauce and a cheese sauce topped with cheese it was simply Lasagna. Pizza was simply pizza, A BLT was simply a bacon sandwich, a cheese steak sandwich was simply a steak sandwich and so on. It might perhaps at a first glance seem like an overly simplified solution that did not adress the actual issue but Malik was happy with it and there had been no incidents of him trying to, for instance, separate melted cheese from thinly sliced steak and barbecue sauce, or spending nearly half an hour demolishing a Cranberry muffin because the menu had specified it as a Muffin with Cranberries, since.

Dylan only ate with a spoon. Jack was the opposite of Cole/Colleen in that he mixed everything together on one plate and mashed it up, it didn't matter if it was porridge and cornflakes or mac and cheese with tomatoes and lettuce,which he then ate with a spoon not because he wouldn't use a fork or a knife but because it was more practical.

Cole picked up the tray with the deconstructed salad on it and without word walked to the table where Erin was already seated. They sat down opposite her and waited for Axel to put down the other tray next to them.