no1curr

[theworst]

I told my dad once that I was embarrassed because I cried in front of my classmates. He waved me off, and said that's just what girls do, and they should get used to it. No one could make me feel better like my dad. And now he can't hold a conversation. Occasionally he will sound like my dad, but usually it's like there's some fragile, confused creature is wearing his skin. He buys books but can't read them. He taught me to read when I was 3.

In caregiver support group, we had to list 3 positive things in our life. Everything I listed began to die this week.

Usually I'm the queen of faking it until I make it. I have been white-knuckling for so long I don't think I can anymore. I've used every bit of sick leave and PTO to be there for my dad's unending appointments but I think I would have taken the day off to sit and cry. My head is not there at work. I anxiety puked the last two mornings and now ladies in the office keep asking me if I’m pregnant. Part of it is their fault: I am one human and they have given me the work of three, but I keep making mistakes and they love firing people.

My dog is dying, not quite at the point where I can justify putting her down, but enough where every time I leave the house I feel tremendously guilty, so it's not like I can do anything to try and distract myself.

I look at the pile of responses I owe and can't make words come together, but that little red envelope makes my dopamine spikes up. I'm have an existential crisis about doubling—I thought I liked it but what if I only do it because I know my wants will go unmet otherwise? Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm a bad writer.

Is my period coming? Do I need to go back on the happy pills? I've taken more clonazepam this week than I have since I got the prescription. I would love to chalk it up to a bad week but all I can think about when I lay down to sleep is how fucked up it would be if my dog and my dad died in the same year.

 

[theworst]

I used to work at a cat rescue and I just found out the first cat that I personally found and adopted out got hit by a car. She was such a funny, nice cat and that’s a horrible way to die. All the pictures I have of her are on my old phone.

Further proof that everything I love is going to die.

I cannot believe how bad this month has been.

I hate this time of year. I was wondering why I’ve been feeling so off-kilter and just bad, and then I looked at the date. It’s been twelve years and last year, I didn’t even think about it until August was already over. It’s the kind of thing I can’t write about online or someone will jerk off to it. I google him once a year to make sure we are not in the same city. 99% of the time I’m fine. I think I cope really well, I’m all about the power of positivity normally. It annoys people.

Not coping so hot right now.

I keep lashing out at people which is an ugly quality.