The Life of a Kinky RPer. {NSFW}

[likola]

Hello friends, I decided I'd put a journal up here. A lot of stuff I want to rant / vent / reflect on does not have much of a place outside of RP land. Of course, I will avoid naming names or putting incriminating information in here. This is more about my journey, and remembering lessons I've learned and boundaries I should uphold going forward.

Let's start with an introduction. This is me and where I am at right now. I'm 33 years old with an undefined gender. I am a weird person with weird experiences, and I have never fit into the confines of society: Always somehow on the outskirts, be it because of my kinks, my fetish, my autism, my unusual interests... Or something else that was not quite right.

Most relevantly to this website: Roleplaying is a bit more than a hobby to me. On websites like this, I can often pass for 'normal', but I have a fetish for roleplaying. The definition of a fetish is a form of sexual desire in which gratification is strongly linked to a particular {activity}. In this case, I cannot feel fulfilled from sex unless roleplaying is involved. And yes, that means I do roleplay face-to-face with my real-life partners when I'm having sex. It seems like a harmless kink, and generally, it is, but because I can't feel enjoyment or fulfillment without it, a lot of people have misconstrued this. I have faced unpleasant treatment from partners and therapists, especially when I lacked the language to explain what was going on. But now I have a supportive long-term partner and fetish-positive therapist and many other parts of a support system, and I am learning to accept who I am, always have been, and always will be.

I still grapple with the odds of being understood by society. Heck, you might be reading this and thinking 'yikes, what the fuck?' So this isn't the easiest thing to put out there.

And, of course, roleplaying online is more of a nurturing substance to my sexuality, rather than just something to pass the time because I can't get it in real life. I think online roleplay will always have an important place in my life, even if I have multiple IRL sex partners.

Interaction is welcome, with a few rules:

1. Be respectful. If asking a question, are you genuinely curious? Are you going to listen and learn if my response is not what you expect it to be, or do you just want to confirm a bias?
2. You can share a story similar to what I have been through, but this is not the place to compare trauma and say you've had it worse. Your experiences and trauma are valid, so are mine.
3. If something errs on the side of too personal, consider DMing me. I may choose not to respond or reveal information, so please respect that.

And with that, each reply here will be an update on my life. Be it recent events, a few facts I felt like sharing, or a reminder to myself for the future. If you choose to read, I hope you enjoy. Thanks for bearing witness to my feelings.

 

[likola]

Today was a productive day. I let go of some things. Cleaned up some servers that had died. Left some online spaces that didn't really serve me anymore. Organized my threads, thought about some of my boundaries. I'm working on being better at communicating how I feel, even if it's not favorable and it might upset or disturb someone. I don't want to hide everything. I want to let the good and the bad and the messy be shown, of course, not every detail in a public post like this... But I don't want to feel like I have any secrets or anything to hide.

I had a roleplay partner from another site who I felt personally insulted me after I asserted a boundary. Maybe I was overreacting, maybe not. Either way we both apologized the next day and I thought we'd get to keep our story up. Sadly, he ghosted. I finally left that server today and unfriended him so that's in the past. I'm going to keep moving forward and not being in spaces, or with people, that do not cherish me. Cause I'm a fuckin' treasure. I'm working on myself, I'm making big moves, I'm trying to love the people who I love with all my heart, and part of that is not wasting energy on those who don't suit me.

I was scared asking the mods if I could post this, because I thought for sure it'd get turned down. But nope, apparently it's cool to express myself here. So thanks to BlueMoon for providing a really unique and cool community that I feel safe enough to post something like this in.

 

[likola]

I'm watching "my" roleplay movie tonight with my IRL friend who's a welder, and he plans to study the equipment they use in the movie and actually build one of the equipment pieces in real life to use on me at parties. It's just one of those things that I always pictured to happen, yet never thought really would, it's quite exciting. I'm just doing crazy shit with amazing people.

Because of the very edgy and sensitive themes in the movie and specifically surrounding my whole... Measuring kink, (Victorian phrenology) I have been worried that people would judge me in the kink community. My best friend who isn't in the IRL community but has equally fucked up turn-ons said, "Really, a guy in a diaper is going to tell you you can't sit with them? Get fuuucked." And she's so right. but still, these people do mean a lot to me and I hope they can see who I am, and what I'm into, without hating me.

Ultimately no one can really stop me from doing my thing. I know my heart is good and I can separate my kinks from any real world views (god, of course!?) so I'm doing better than most people.

 

[likola]

Yesterday was a bit of a whirlwind. Let's rewind to last weekend. I had some new friends who I introduced to each other, just said, "These folks are new to the scene and going to the Saturday party, y'all should say hello to each other." Instead of just that happening, they wound up hooking up and jumping into a relationship dynamic that day, before the party. I was initially like, what the fuck? Immature much? Definitely a big turn-off to see them jump into something so recklessly. Then again, in 3 days, it ended pretty dramatically, and they didn't tell me too much about it, so I just kind of chalked it up to general immaturity. They did warn me that there was something concerning said by the girl, so I kind of put that in the back of my mind.

But there's more to it than that. I found out one party was the main instigator for things to move as quickly as they did, and come to find she's pretty much a huge control freak in general. Unfortunately, in spite of seeing the red flags for relationships/sex, I also found out the hard way. Because she needs to be in control in her friendships, too. And the friendships of her partner.

I made friends with her partner at a munch I hosted and he wanted to hang out, and I was like, sure, why not! Then I realized that this girl was his partner and I got a little nervous. She quickly interjected herself into our plans, and I was initially fine with it because she lives there too and it was just a platonic hang-out, but she started pushing for me to hook up with her partner, which made me uncomfortable. First of all, he can say it to my face, second of all, I'm only going there to hang out and get to know y'all, hooking up was never on the table.

She also just kept saying that she was 'indifferent' toward the movie I had planned on watching with them, and I was like... Girl you don't have to watch it. We can watch something else. (Even though the idea of changing the plan on her behalf when she wasn't the one I made plans with kind of pissed me off, it would be better than her whining the entire time.) And then they made it all about the movie causing anxiety so they said we should watch something else. But instead of just stirring up that drama, she also threw in some nasty little comment about how "you can't expect anyone to get excited about that movie". Like, you really have to insult me?

And there were a few other very insulting things she said in that conversation, seemingly for no reason, after baiting me and telling me that she thought I was cute and funny and cool and she specifically liked when I talked about my special interests and that movie I liked she basically shit all over it... and at a certain point I was through with that shit. It had very "Be yourself! But not like that." Vibes.

So instead of going to their house, I told the guy I originally made plans with, "Sorry, your partner made me incredibly uncomfortable. I'm going to stay home tonight and I need to process my feelings." And that was that.

As I talked to the other couple they had gotten involved with, I realized this girl is a complete control freak. She pressured them to 'trauma dump' when they were not ready to share their trauma with her, and then her own 'trauma dump' involved admitting to violent acts that she did recently and didn't seem at all remorseful about. So that's why they broke it off. Needless to say, I won't be hanging out with her again. I'm incredibly proud of myself for saying what I said instead of claiming my IBS was the only reason I was not going over there last night. I really did almost use the 'I'm shitting' excuse because it's easy and it's drama-free. But fuck it, I don't want them coming back and thinking everything is okay after that girl baited me into talking about a movie I really like and then made me feel like a freak for it. Fuck her. I wonder if after 2 incidents in such short succession, her partner will realize that he's dating a fucking problem.

But that ain't my problem.

 

[likola]

Thankfully the folks in my last post rightly fucked off and I have not heard from them since I spoke up about being hurt and needing space. I guess that space might be eternity, cause holy shit, the rest of the past two weeks made that last incident seem like a mosquito bite or something.

I don't want to badmouth him or anything as we are still friends and he is not a bad person. But my partner and I broke up. And I am devastated. The communication on his end was breaking down, and I was attempting to pull all the weight in communicating, and getting a lot of silence and confusion in return. Then the worst happened. He admitted that I was too much for him. Wanting too much sex, too much affection. And I had already been dwindling it down lower and lower and hoping to make up for it in other relationships, though anyone who is poly probably understands that replacing a need with another person fulfilling it does not make the lacking relationship feel fuller.

So yeah, we are incompatible. And we are still fine as roommates for now, no urgent changes, no need to stress over separating since we have separate rooms at the moment.

The thing that I think really hurts is that he said yesterday, "I mean, I don't really feel a major change! It's no big deal. We're still just like we were."

Buddy, that's exactly the problem. You were perfectly happy having no affection or touch from me. You were stressed when I tried to do the things that, for me, make a relationship more than platonic. He's incredibly happy and feels like there's no change and everything is perfect, now that I don't try to have sex with him or go out of my way to show him affection anymore.

It's exactly as I thought. This is no loss to him.

And it hurts.

But at least we are still friends, and there was no blow-up, no abuse, no horror stories.

I just feel like "too much". For anyone. But in reality, wanting affection is normal. Wanting sex is normal. I am, in this way, normal and it's okay for me to want these things. And even if I'm a strange person who may not appeal to everyone. I believe sincerely that I can and will find them. I'm just so, so, scared of starting over.

Oh, and footnote, Physics II 4-week course (condensed to 4x as fast as usual) is fucking killing me, and that started literally the day after we broke up. Help.

 

[PsionicCuttlefish]

Since your intro says interaction is welcome...Whoof, just read through all of this, and yeah, you've been on quite the journey and gone through the wringer. But it sounds like you've taken every challenge life has thrown at you so far and come out stronger and smarter for it, and that's always a heartening thing to see. Glad you managed to escape the situation with that control freak! Damn shame it turns out your long-time partner just wasn't the right one for you. But even though this is just text from a stranger, I believe you will find the right match for yourself some day if you keep your eyes open!

But in reality, wanting affection is normal. Wanting sex is normal. I am, in this way, normal and it's okay for me to want these things.

And also, good on you! Stay strong about that and don't let anyone tell you different!

 

[likola]

Since your intro says interaction is welcome...Whoof, just read through all of this, and yeah, you've been on quite the journey and gone through the wringer. But it sounds like you've taken every challenge life has thrown at you so far and come out stronger and smarter for it, and that's always a heartening thing to see. Glad you managed to escape the situation with that control freak! Damn shame it turns out your long-time partner just wasn't the right one for you. But even though this is just text from a stranger, I believe you will find the right match for yourself some day if you keep your eyes open!


And also, good on you! Stay strong about that and don't let anyone tell you different!

Thank you so much, I honestly didn't know anyone was reading this. You're so kind and sweet. I appreciate you

 

[PsionicCuttlefish]

D'aaaw, thank you. And I guarantee you some people are reading this, it's just most people prefer to passively read, but I know well how it makes it feel like you're just talking to the void. So I figured I might as well be the one voice in the void to talk back.

 

[likola]

D'aaaw, thank you. And I guarantee you some people are reading this, it's just most people prefer to passively read, but I know well how it makes it feel like you're just talking to the void. So I figured I might as well be the one voice in the void to talk back.

Hehe! Well letting my feelings out is therapeutic even if no one is listening but you certainly brightened my day. <3

 

[likola]

I am horny and need my thighs bitten and grabbed something fierce. THAT IS ALL.

 

[likola]

Well hm, I put a personal ad up on a website (not a dating site, but a kink community site) and I am nervous. More-so expecting no responses, but at least I am putting myself out there. I know what I want a lot better, I have learned a lot about myself and my needs, and I am going to start clearly an honestly asking for them. It is a step in the right direction, and good practice at articulating my needs and boundaries, even if no connections come from it directly. ^_^

 

[likola]

Free therapy from my session today for anyone who's kinky. It might not make sense or apply to you, but it's definitely lifted my mood. I want to put this here as a reminder to myself and others to repeat this shit daily whether I can believe it in the moment or not. Affirmations and all that.

• Your fetish / kinks are a part of you, they cannot be yanked out any more than any other part of you.
• If someone kink-shames you or isn't receptive to conversation about your kinks. SHOW THEM THE DOOR.
• You can and should explain what you want thoroughly, the right people will be happy you did.
• You are deserving and worthy of love. SATISFYING love. COMPATIBLE love. Love that's on the same page as you.

 

[likola]

Exploring some deliciously dark non-con RP with a friend who I have been RPing with for a few weeks now. We vibe soooo well, we have several stories going and lots of ideas bouncing around. These heavier non-con vibes are not ones I would try with just anyone, so it really is nice to be able to let those thoughts and fantasies run wild. It's always a joy to find someone like that, just wanted to spout off about it somewhere.

 

[likola]

Man, being thrust into a 4-week Physics II boot camp immediately after that breakup has led to some very delayed processing of those feelings. It is coming out now as I near the end of the class, and it's rough. Like if you're going to delay the processing until things clear up, at least let it delay until the Physics class is OVER, brain. Agggghhhhhhh.

I'm very sad, very lonely. There's a part of me that feels hopeless. But I'm coping well. My support system is kind of amazing. I know I should be 'over it by now' but I am having a lot of feelings and it's hard. I'll get through it.

 

[cyx.]

I know I should be 'over it by now'

there's no time limit to how long you should grieve, feel remorse, or come to terms with anything that happens in life. especially if you've had a lot going on. my first big relationship ended awfully, and i didn't feel it until a year after the fact - never feel like you have to set a time stamp on processing your emotions or dealing with something like that. the brain is a tricky organ. just take it one day at a time, rely on those that you can trust, and trust in yourself that you'll do what you need to do to grow from it.

my favourite saying for things like that to myself is 'chin up, tits out.' you got this. <33

 

[likola]

there's no time limit to how long you should grieve, feel remorse, or come to terms with anything that happens in life. especially if you've had a lot going on. my first big relationship ended awfully, and i didn't feel it until a year after the fact - never feel like you have to set a time stamp on processing your emotions or dealing with something like that. the brain is a tricky organ. just take it one day at a time, rely on those that you can trust, and trust in yourself that you'll do what you need to do to grow from it.

my favourite saying for things like that to myself is 'chin up, tits out.' you got this. <33

So true, thank you for the nice comment. Brains are so weird, they just kind of imprint on stuff and decide that's how the rest of life is going to be forever, unless convinced otherwise. xD I am working hard though. We both got this, I'm sure. <3

 

[likola]

Physics II is over, that had to be one of the most challenging classes I've ever taken, especially due to the condensed nature (4-week course, full credit). I am so glad it's over!

I think I may be in sub frenzy at the moment, I have someone very wonderful feeding into that, and I think things are good, very good. But I also have a lot of fear and doubt about all kinds of stuff that would probably bother me no matter what the situation is, so I'm trying to let a lot of it go and just see what happens, and take things as they come. It sucks having someone you are afraid to lose, but as long as there is reciprocation, it isn't quite that embarrassing. At least I'm not pining over someone who couldn't care less about me, or sees me as a sex toy.

 

[likola]

The fear and doubt keep winning. Trying to fight, trying to be okay. I'm just so sad all the time. I'm sure once I decompress from Physics II being OVER, and get some things sorted in my life, I will feel better...

 

[likola]

The bar is in HELLLL and people keep tripping over it.

I really had a guy message me, all green flags, ready to hang out and meet and have a great time, and then go radio silent for 3 days. I understand being busy for a bit, and I can even understand maybe not checking your phone that often, but like at this point it's been a full 24 hours with nothing, and when he did talk the past 2 days it was so brief it was like 3 messages, and nothing of substance. After having a crazy good long convo this weekend.

I mean, I don't know, maybe it's a lot to ask to want someone to have some degree of consistency with communication. But holy shit, I'm done with it!

I have decided that the bar does not need to be in hell. I can literally be done with something for any reason I want. And if this doesn't work for me, I think I'm perfectly reasonable for it.

Now, I'm not letting it go without some attempt to salvage. I just asked him, is there a better place to contact him than Discord, since he seems unresponsive there. Maybe his notifications aren't set up right, or he hasn't downloaded the app on his phone, or something technology-related is in the way.

But I think if he doesn't give me some kind of explanation at this point, I'm dropping. I don't want to waste my time with someone I can have great conversations with one day and then be totally unreachable the next. I simply don't need that in my life, I've had enough of it.

 

[likola]

I am sad, I'm just sad, I'm lonely, but I won't lower my standards just for that reason

 

[likola]

People often hide behind anonymity to be hateful. Even in a site where I only have local people who I know personally, for the most part, I have found it is never safe to give people the option to be anonymous. The app "NGL" has taken the kink community by storm, and there have been some sweet and charming experiences on it that I've seen in passing, but in reality people are hateful. People who have poor communication skills use this as a way to communicate in a maladapted way. And unfortunately I was naive enough to think that no one would do that to me if I put up a little game for people to play anonymously.

What do you do when people twist your words and take your personal kinks and fantasies that you have spoken to them in confidence and use them to weave a story about you being unsafe? What do you do in a community so obsessed with vetting and safety when someone has decided to take it upon themselves and view you as a threat, not for something you did, but for something you privately confessed to enjoying in a kink context?

This blurs the line between vetting and outing. And in my opinion, if they are to spread this information to others with the nasty slant that they are putting on it, it would be outing, not vetting.

What I choose to do is only ever done consensually. I don't coerce people into doing my kink, and certainly not partaking in the darker aspects of it. They do not extend to any outside-of-kink beliefs or actions. And point blank, no matter what it is, I don't force people to play with me. I don't spread hate or unkindness or judgement about others. And you can't say the same for yourself. I hope, at the end of the day, you can live with the fact that you're spreading unkind words on anon instead of speaking up for what you supposedly 'believe in' to someone's face, with integrity and heart.

Ultimately, if you really thought what I was doing was wrong or harmful, you'd be able to say it to my face so that we could have a real conversation.

Coward.

 

[likola]

Serious advice for anyone reading this: Think twice about putting anon up...

Some of the hateful anons you get might be easy to brush off. I've gotten them before, they were so ridiculous that i think I'm more worried about the person's well-being than anything to do with me.

But sometimes, it's someone you really trusted and really knew, and they know about you, and they know how to dig in, and they do.

Or they're careless. Reckless, emboldened by anon to say something 'controversial' that absolutely destroys your sense of self-worth for a good while.

It's been almost two weeks. I almost had to be hospitalized because my OCD spiral got so bad. I am not well. I'm slowly getting better, but this is something that tore up a lot of my trauma from years ago that I have worked so hard to get over.

No one is invincible. We are all fighting battles. Be kind. And be careful.

 

[likola]

I've touched the darkness inside of me however briefly, and it frightened me. It's like a black hole sometimes. Once I touch it, I am consumed, and I cannot stop. Nothing else compares to the feeling of being completely and utterly defiled, being beneath someone, my only worth being to their benefit.

As I shed my layers of shame over the past few years, this may have been the final shroud I've thrown away. The veil protecting me from my own longings for that sweet surrender. This shedding does not come without pain, without shame, without fear. Perhaps they are felt most strongly when leaving the body.

Each person I gave myself to took another piece of that shame away with it. As I explored myself with others, it became clearer and clearer what I needed until it was staring me in the face.

I have heard that some feel sick and hate themselves when they realize their true nature or their darkest kinks. I did not think it would happen to me. It did. It was agonizing, and it lasted months. But I'm slowly rising from it with less shame about what I've found, which is not going anywhere, even if I try to bury it again.

I am thankful for those who treated me kindly, who allowed me a safe space to explore, however briefly. Be it a play partner, or a friend who cast no judgement in spite of my peculiarities. All of you are special to me and always will be.

I will not express gratitude to those who were careless or unkind to me, but I will say I learned from it. I learned what I do not want to allow into my life. I learned my worth and where my boundaries lie and to trust my gut. And I hope this reduces such pains going forward.

And I hurt now, knowing what I want and not having it. I long for somewhere safe to rest my head, someone I can be broken by who will put me back together again and care for me like I know that I deserve.

Some say that diamonds form under pressure. I can only hope the gift I give to whomever is worthy of my submission, service, and devotion, is of such precious value.