The Life of a Kinky RPer. {NSFW}

[likola]

Hello friends, I decided I'd put a journal up here. A lot of stuff I want to rant / vent / reflect on does not have much of a place outside of RP land. Of course, I will avoid naming names or putting incriminating information in here. This is more about my journey, and remembering lessons I've learned and boundaries I should uphold going forward.

Let's start with an introduction. This is me and where I am at right now. I'm 33 years old with an undefined gender. I am a weird person with weird experiences, and I have never fit into the confines of society: Always somehow on the outskirts, be it because of my kinks, my fetish, my autism, my unusual interests... Or something else that was not quite right.

Most relevantly to this website: Roleplaying is a bit more than a hobby to me. On websites like this, I can often pass for 'normal', but I have a fetish for roleplaying. The definition of a fetish is a form of sexual desire in which gratification is strongly linked to a particular {activity}. In this case, I cannot feel fulfilled from sex unless roleplaying is involved. And yes, that means I do roleplay face-to-face with my real-life partners when I'm having sex. It seems like a harmless kink, and generally, it is, but because I can't feel enjoyment or fulfillment without it, a lot of people have misconstrued this. I have faced unpleasant treatment from partners and therapists, especially when I lacked the language to explain what was going on. But now I have a supportive long-term partner and fetish-positive therapist and many other parts of a support system, and I am learning to accept who I am, always have been, and always will be.

I still grapple with the odds of being understood by society. Heck, you might be reading this and thinking 'yikes, what the fuck?' So this isn't the easiest thing to put out there.

And, of course, roleplaying online is more of a nurturing substance to my sexuality, rather than just something to pass the time because I can't get it in real life. I think online roleplay will always have an important place in my life, even if I have multiple IRL sex partners.

Interaction is welcome, with a few rules:

1. Be respectful. If asking a question, are you genuinely curious? Are you going to listen and learn if my response is not what you expect it to be, or do you just want to confirm a bias?
2. You can share a story similar to what I have been through, but this is not the place to compare trauma and say you've had it worse. Your experiences and trauma are valid, so are mine.
3. If something errs on the side of too personal, consider DMing me. I may choose not to respond or reveal information, so please respect that.

And with that, each reply here will be an update on my life. Be it recent events, a few facts I felt like sharing, or a reminder to myself for the future. If you choose to read, I hope you enjoy. Thanks for bearing witness to my feelings.

 

[likola]

Today was a productive day. I let go of some things. Cleaned up some servers that had died. Left some online spaces that didn't really serve me anymore. Organized my threads, thought about some of my boundaries. I'm working on being better at communicating how I feel, even if it's not favorable and it might upset or disturb someone. I don't want to hide everything. I want to let the good and the bad and the messy be shown, of course, not every detail in a public post like this... But I don't want to feel like I have any secrets or anything to hide.

I had a roleplay partner from another site who I felt personally insulted me after I asserted a boundary. Maybe I was overreacting, maybe not. Either way we both apologized the next day and I thought we'd get to keep our story up. Sadly, he ghosted. I finally left that server today and unfriended him so that's in the past. I'm going to keep moving forward and not being in spaces, or with people, that do not cherish me. Cause I'm a fuckin' treasure. I'm working on myself, I'm making big moves, I'm trying to love the people who I love with all my heart, and part of that is not wasting energy on those who don't suit me.

I was scared asking the mods if I could post this, because I thought for sure it'd get turned down. But nope, apparently it's cool to express myself here. So thanks to BlueMoon for providing a really unique and cool community that I feel safe enough to post something like this in.

 

[likola]

I'm watching "my" roleplay movie tonight with my IRL friend who's a welder, and he plans to study the equipment they use in the movie and actually build one of the equipment pieces in real life to use on me at parties. It's just one of those things that I always pictured to happen, yet never thought really would, it's quite exciting. I'm just doing crazy shit with amazing people.

Because of the very edgy and sensitive themes in the movie and specifically surrounding my whole... Measuring kink, (Victorian phrenology) I have been worried that people would judge me in the kink community. My best friend who isn't in the IRL community but has equally fucked up turn-ons said, "Really, a guy in a diaper is going to tell you you can't sit with them? Get fuuucked." And she's so right. but still, these people do mean a lot to me and I hope they can see who I am, and what I'm into, without hating me.

Ultimately no one can really stop me from doing my thing. I know my heart is good and I can separate my kinks from any real world views (god, of course!?) so I'm doing better than most people.

 

[likola]

Yesterday was a bit of a whirlwind. Let's rewind to last weekend. I had some new friends who I introduced to each other, just said, "These folks are new to the scene and going to the Saturday party, y'all should say hello to each other." Instead of just that happening, they wound up hooking up and jumping into a relationship dynamic that day, before the party. I was initially like, what the fuck? Immature much? Definitely a big turn-off to see them jump into something so recklessly. Then again, in 3 days, it ended pretty dramatically, and they didn't tell me too much about it, so I just kind of chalked it up to general immaturity. They did warn me that there was something concerning said by the girl, so I kind of put that in the back of my mind.

But there's more to it than that. I found out one party was the main instigator for things to move as quickly as they did, and come to find she's pretty much a huge control freak in general. Unfortunately, in spite of seeing the red flags for relationships/sex, I also found out the hard way. Because she needs to be in control in her friendships, too. And the friendships of her partner.

I made friends with her partner at a munch I hosted and he wanted to hang out, and I was like, sure, why not! Then I realized that this girl was his partner and I got a little nervous. She quickly interjected herself into our plans, and I was initially fine with it because she lives there too and it was just a platonic hang-out, but she started pushing for me to hook up with her partner, which made me uncomfortable. First of all, he can say it to my face, second of all, I'm only going there to hang out and get to know y'all, hooking up was never on the table.

She also just kept saying that she was 'indifferent' toward the movie I had planned on watching with them, and I was like... Girl you don't have to watch it. We can watch something else. (Even though the idea of changing the plan on her behalf when she wasn't the one I made plans with kind of pissed me off, it would be better than her whining the entire time.) And then they made it all about the movie causing anxiety so they said we should watch something else. But instead of just stirring up that drama, she also threw in some nasty little comment about how "you can't expect anyone to get excited about that movie". Like, you really have to insult me?

And there were a few other very insulting things she said in that conversation, seemingly for no reason, after baiting me and telling me that she thought I was cute and funny and cool and she specifically liked when I talked about my special interests and that movie I liked she basically shit all over it... and at a certain point I was through with that shit. It had very "Be yourself! But not like that." Vibes.

So instead of going to their house, I told the guy I originally made plans with, "Sorry, your partner made me incredibly uncomfortable. I'm going to stay home tonight and I need to process my feelings." And that was that.

As I talked to the other couple they had gotten involved with, I realized this girl is a complete control freak. She pressured them to 'trauma dump' when they were not ready to share their trauma with her, and then her own 'trauma dump' involved admitting to violent acts that she did recently and didn't seem at all remorseful about. So that's why they broke it off. Needless to say, I won't be hanging out with her again. I'm incredibly proud of myself for saying what I said instead of claiming my IBS was the only reason I was not going over there last night. I really did almost use the 'I'm shitting' excuse because it's easy and it's drama-free. But fuck it, I don't want them coming back and thinking everything is okay after that girl baited me into talking about a movie I really like and then made me feel like a freak for it. Fuck her. I wonder if after 2 incidents in such short succession, her partner will realize that he's dating a fucking problem.

But that ain't my problem.