What do you guys think? Is this good?

[Valndrisa]

A young girl with light pink hair and eyes would be wandering down the busy streets at night, she wore nothing but a tattered dress, it would be rather chilly out as Autumn is almost over. She carried around a stuffed teddy bear aswell.
She would be pretty young, she seemed 16 but maybe she was just short? Whatever the case she sits down on the sidewalk as her legs started to hurt. She was homeless and had nowhere to go. She had been through alot, so much so she barely talks and doesn't trust people easily. What happened to her?
Nobody seems to care and just drives on by until.....


This is my starter that I always use when I roleplay, not only on here but on other sites. I was wondering if this was good? Is there anything that needs to be improved? I'm trying to make something compelling to make people interested

 

[Saber]

Is this a starter for a partner or a plot you'd like to RP with a partner?

 

[Valndrisa]

Is this a starter for a partner or a plot you'd like to RP with a partner?

Bit of both, its a plot and a starter and it leaves it open for the person to add their input in a response

 

[Doctor Manhattan]

Nice starter. One thing I would do is make sure this is all the same tense, like so:

A young girl with light pink hair and eyes would be wandering down the busy streets at night. She wore nothing but a tattered dress; it would be rather chilly out as Autumn was almost over. She carried around a stuffed teddy bear as well.

She would be pretty young, as she seemed 16 - but maybe she was just short? Whatever the case, she sat down on the sidewalk as her legs started to hurt. She was homeless and had nowhere to go. She had been through a lot, so much so she barely talked and didn't trust people easily. What happened to her?

Nobody seems to care and they just drove on by until...

I cleaned up the punctuation and such as well so it reads better for you. : ) I'll let others comment on the specifics of the sentence structure and such. Hope that helps.

 

[Valndrisa]

Nice starter. One thing I would do is make sure this is all the same tense, like so:

A young girl with light pink hair and eyes would be wandering down the busy streets at night. She wore nothing but a tattered dress; it would be rather chilly out as Autumn was almost over. She carried around a stuffed teddy bear as well.

She would be pretty young, as she seemed 16 - but maybe she was just short? Whatever the case, she sat down on the sidewalk as her legs started to hurt. She was homeless and had nowhere to go. She had been through a lot, so much so she barely talked and didn't trust people easily. What happened to her?

Nobody seems to care and they just drove on by until...

I cleaned up the punctuation and such as well so it reads better for you. : ) I'll let others comment on the specifics of the sentence structure and such. Hope that helps.

Still learning punctuations so thanks!

 

[Valndrisa]

A short, young girl with light pink hair and eyes  wanders down the busy streets at night. She wore nothing but a tattered dress; it was rather chilly out as Autumn neared its end. She carried around a stuffed teddy bear for comfort as well- possibly clinging to a farmiliar warm memory.

She appeared young, as she seemed 16. Whatever the case, she was homeless abd had nowhere to go. She sat down on the sidewalk as her legs started to  ache. She had been through a lot, so much so she barely talked and didn't trust people easily. What happened to her?

Nobody seems to care and they  continue to drive by, that is until...


I added a little creative flare on top of what Doc had suggested to add the compelling element you were looking for.

Ooooo niceee