rant
God, where do I even start. For the last few years.... More like decade, it's been one thing after another. Which yes, I understand it's part of life. But I really can't seem to catch a break.
I'll start with what's bothering me the most. My younger brother had a brain stem tumour like 8 years ago now and while he survived (which I'm forever grateful for) he ended up legally blind and with some balance and hearing issues due to the location of the tumour. He's been working hard since then but it's clear that he's not going to recover to where he was before. So he gets frustrated and incredibly mean. He doesn't/won't go to therapy. And now, he's decided to move from our smaller city to a larger city over two hours away. Because he wants to pursue being a comedian. Even though he refuses to really talk in front of the family or tell us any jokes or even let us come to his open mic night shows. So he's leaving his entire support system here (which he does rely on heavily) to move. I don't know if he expects people to help him once he's moved to the big city or even how. With the price of gas I can't afford to drive up and see him and help him when he needs it, and neither can other members of my family who help him every week with his shopping and etc.
Realistically, it feels like he just wants to get away from certain family members, which I understand. My mother is an extremely unkind woman and she's hard to deal with and getting harder to deal with as she gets older. But he would be living with her sister to start with up in the bigger city, and she's not exactly kind either. I don't know if he thinks that she'll help him out the way that our grandma or our dad does, but she's definitely not going to.
Speaking of my mother, she's definitely taken this as a personal rejection and she's started to take it out on me. Which is something she usually does. When she's angry about anything, I get the brunt of it. And it's fine. I'm learning to not let it bother me but also I'm so god damn tired of her being mean to me. Especially about a lot of things that are just... none of her business. None of anyone's business but mine. She always plays it off as concern for me and my future, but in reality she's just embarrassed that I'm not the person she wants me to be/feels like she can be proud of. She has literally said these things to me in her angrier moments, so it's not entirely projection on my part. Once she told me if I ever did try to kill myself I better not fail so I don't put my grandma through 'any pain'.
Which brings us to me. At the beginning of the pandemic the mental breakdown that had been festering in my head for years finally happened, and I had to quit my job and get on disability. Which is humiliating for me personally, as I had been working and filing taxes since I was fourteen years old. Through all my schooling. So now my mom's side of the family looks at me and treats me like I'm lazy and not really trying. I have been told repeatedly by psychiatrists through these past few years that I'm just not a high priority case because I'm not a danger to myself and others, and since I'm not willing to institutionalize myself at this moment the one psych I did manage to see basically washed his hands of me because I'm "stubborn". Well I visited the place he wanted to put me and it would not have been good for me. They offered short amounts of daily group therapy, limited time with a psych, and you would spend most of your time working in a woodshop, making items for the place to sell to raise money. It was a place focused on helping drug addicts, that occasionally folds people with psychiatric problems in. That's what was available and they keep you there for 6 months at a time with no internet access.
And my mother gets angry with me because I don't want to subject myself to that.
My dad and his girlfriend are fortunately much kinder to me, but that makes me feel awful sometimes too. Because I feel like I'll never get better and I'm just letting them down constantly and being a burden to them. They help me out so much and I just feel guilty constantly over it.
My dad's girlfriend's father died the other day. It was a long expected thing, he was very old and had been incredibly sick for a while, so in some ways his passing was a blessing because he was suffering a lot. But I'm making a powerpoint for them to play at his service on google slides and I just have no idea what I'm doing. I'm figuring it out as I go but I'm terrified of doing a bad job on it. I've shown the girlfriend what I have so far and she loves it but she really wants to add music and I don't think it's possible to do what she wants with it. And I don't know the setup of the place they're playing it at, and everyone else involved is a little technology inept so we're not sure how it's going to work out. They just do so much for me that it's killing me that I might not be able to make the perfect slideshow for them.
anyway, I've bawled my eyes out writing this all down so maybe that's all I needed to get out for now. hopefully I'll feel better once I stop crying.
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