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Amoria
Moon
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2022
I have a few RP samples (just examples of my recent RP posts from other sites) that I'd like some critique on. Honestly, I'm curious how my writing comes off to other people. Plus, I want to improve my writing more, so please give me any of your suggestions on my writing. None of them are NSFW, so there won't be anything lewd in them.
Following one of the caretakers through the quaint orphanage, Cassidi took time to look about the foundling home for hybrids. It had the necessities to shelter orphaned children. It had a fairly sized dining area with a couple of rows of long tables, a spacious bedroom area for the kids to sleep in, a play area, a communal bathroom and kitchen, and a large classroom. As they walked around, a gaggle of orphans surrounded Cassi during the tour of the home. It wasn't often that they had adventurers visit them, so of course, they talked her ear off about what grand adventures she's had and any stories she could tell. The caretaker hushed the children as she ushered the young adventurer out of the building before closing the door behind her.
The caretaker gave Cassidi a nervous smile while apologizing, "Sorry about that. The kids can be a handful but they're sweet."
Cassi allowed a soft smile to form on her face as she waved her hand dismissively. "It's no big deal. They seem ... pretty well-cared for." There was relief lacing her voice. She was so familiar with seeing the distressed faces of hybrid urchins on the streets that it was a welcoming change to witness them being cared for by others. Unfortunately, one of the few havens for them no longer exuded a sense of security. Not when four orphans have suddenly gone missing from their beds at night. Cassidi cleared her throat and asked, "So, it was just those four that have gone missing?"
"Yes. They were accounted for in their beds at night, but the next morning they were gone. We've asked around to see if anyone has seen them. We've heard a few rumors about a group of kids walking with a shrouded figure that night. We're not quite sure who or what it is, but most of the people believe they're heading in the direction of an overgrown ranch ways away from here." The caretaker explained.
Cassidi couldn't help but arch her brow in curiosity, "Overgrown? Does that mean that nobody lives at this ranch?".
"Correct, although there has been some tales that someone or, I guess, odd individuals inhabiting the place. Some think it's spirits or some such. Honestly, I don't really care what's there. As long as we get our kids back, that's all I care about." The caregiver clarifies while wringing her hands nervously, "It's been hard to find anyone to help. We ... We don't have too much to offer. But, thankfully, we found another adventurer besides yourself to find them. Maybe, you two could work together. As the saying goes, two heads are better than one." The caregiver would then give a brief description of the missing four orphans and the location of this supposedly abandoned ranch. Then, he described the other adventurer that might be there. A young woman (similar looking to Cassi's age) with long turquoise pigtails, porcelain skin, and strikingly ruby-colored eyes. It certainly sounded like a person hard to miss to Cassidi. After her conversation with the caretaker, the white-haired adventurer left the orphanage and began her trip.
Once she arrived at her destination, Cassidi's eyes scanned her surroundings. The entire ranch looked as if it was completely overtaken by nature itself. The buildings were rugged and seemed too precarious for anyone to live inside. There was even a few large trees peeking through one of the farm buildings. Were the lost children here? Maybe, but she'll need to check around for any indication of their presence here. Not to mention, there might be a fellow adventurer here as well. She might've already beat them to it here, or they could be currently looking about this verdant yet bosky farmstead. Either way, Cassi proceeded with caution into the center of the farmplace.
The caretaker gave Cassidi a nervous smile while apologizing, "Sorry about that. The kids can be a handful but they're sweet."
Cassi allowed a soft smile to form on her face as she waved her hand dismissively. "It's no big deal. They seem ... pretty well-cared for." There was relief lacing her voice. She was so familiar with seeing the distressed faces of hybrid urchins on the streets that it was a welcoming change to witness them being cared for by others. Unfortunately, one of the few havens for them no longer exuded a sense of security. Not when four orphans have suddenly gone missing from their beds at night. Cassidi cleared her throat and asked, "So, it was just those four that have gone missing?"
"Yes. They were accounted for in their beds at night, but the next morning they were gone. We've asked around to see if anyone has seen them. We've heard a few rumors about a group of kids walking with a shrouded figure that night. We're not quite sure who or what it is, but most of the people believe they're heading in the direction of an overgrown ranch ways away from here." The caretaker explained.
Cassidi couldn't help but arch her brow in curiosity, "Overgrown? Does that mean that nobody lives at this ranch?".
"Correct, although there has been some tales that someone or, I guess, odd individuals inhabiting the place. Some think it's spirits or some such. Honestly, I don't really care what's there. As long as we get our kids back, that's all I care about." The caregiver clarifies while wringing her hands nervously, "It's been hard to find anyone to help. We ... We don't have too much to offer. But, thankfully, we found another adventurer besides yourself to find them. Maybe, you two could work together. As the saying goes, two heads are better than one." The caregiver would then give a brief description of the missing four orphans and the location of this supposedly abandoned ranch. Then, he described the other adventurer that might be there. A young woman (similar looking to Cassi's age) with long turquoise pigtails, porcelain skin, and strikingly ruby-colored eyes. It certainly sounded like a person hard to miss to Cassidi. After her conversation with the caretaker, the white-haired adventurer left the orphanage and began her trip.
Once she arrived at her destination, Cassidi's eyes scanned her surroundings. The entire ranch looked as if it was completely overtaken by nature itself. The buildings were rugged and seemed too precarious for anyone to live inside. There was even a few large trees peeking through one of the farm buildings. Were the lost children here? Maybe, but she'll need to check around for any indication of their presence here. Not to mention, there might be a fellow adventurer here as well. She might've already beat them to it here, or they could be currently looking about this verdant yet bosky farmstead. Either way, Cassi proceeded with caution into the center of the farmplace.
Amidst the distinguished guests in the pavilion, there is a woman of small stature and attentive inkwell irises scanning her surroundings. The little figure clad in heavy linen is far too short to be human. Not to mention, her slender figure wouldn't give off the impression of her possibly being a thick-boned Karamhul. Instead, the young woman of about twenty summers or so is a halfling far from home. Although, the only tell that someone would gather that she didn't belong here is the slight Khinasi accent lingering in her voice whenever she spoke.
The complexion of the female halfling is dark and swarthy, similar to her Khinasi human counterparts. She is rather comely despite her roughened looks. Her coarse raven-black locks twisted into various braids with a faded-yellow patterned headscarf tying around the young halfling's head. Her face is sharp and angular, lined with a faint scar on the left cheek. The finely placed cicatrix is likely from one of her ventures in unsavory mercenary work. A few hushed whispers accompanied with narrowed glances in the room exchange hearsay of a lady mercenary of short height possessing a mean streak in fights, yet surprisingly exudes congenial manners circulating the region.
It is true of her fierceness in fights, often resulting in grisly demises. It is purely professional, of course. She derives little enjoyment in brutality, but it certainly gives off the impression of someone who can get the job done (well, in regards to scrimmages or protecting through violent means). Notwithstanding her building mercenary reputation, there have also been rumors of this particular halfling woman is a child belonging to a disgraceful and once wealthy Khinasi mercantile family. This child named Jamilah with a majority of her relatives slain from the cutthroat rivalry and long-standing feuds that are all too common in the Khinasi city-states. Nothing of the tale would evoke someone to shed a tear, considering that families often rise and fall. And indeed, her sympathies didn't lie with her family so much.
No, she didn't come here to bring any sort of honor or prestige to bring back to her home. Rather, she sees it as an opportunity to establish herself in these lands. No troublesome strings tugging her back where she came.
One of Jamihal's scuffed boots taps lightly against the ground while her arms are crossed. Her face is impassive and aloof as she watches a young lordling engage with the fool. For her, quite an odd sight to see.
The complexion of the female halfling is dark and swarthy, similar to her Khinasi human counterparts. She is rather comely despite her roughened looks. Her coarse raven-black locks twisted into various braids with a faded-yellow patterned headscarf tying around the young halfling's head. Her face is sharp and angular, lined with a faint scar on the left cheek. The finely placed cicatrix is likely from one of her ventures in unsavory mercenary work. A few hushed whispers accompanied with narrowed glances in the room exchange hearsay of a lady mercenary of short height possessing a mean streak in fights, yet surprisingly exudes congenial manners circulating the region.
It is true of her fierceness in fights, often resulting in grisly demises. It is purely professional, of course. She derives little enjoyment in brutality, but it certainly gives off the impression of someone who can get the job done (well, in regards to scrimmages or protecting through violent means). Notwithstanding her building mercenary reputation, there have also been rumors of this particular halfling woman is a child belonging to a disgraceful and once wealthy Khinasi mercantile family. This child named Jamilah with a majority of her relatives slain from the cutthroat rivalry and long-standing feuds that are all too common in the Khinasi city-states. Nothing of the tale would evoke someone to shed a tear, considering that families often rise and fall. And indeed, her sympathies didn't lie with her family so much.
No, she didn't come here to bring any sort of honor or prestige to bring back to her home. Rather, she sees it as an opportunity to establish herself in these lands. No troublesome strings tugging her back where she came.
One of Jamihal's scuffed boots taps lightly against the ground while her arms are crossed. Her face is impassive and aloof as she watches a young lordling engage with the fool. For her, quite an odd sight to see.
A slight tug on her hide-stitched pant leg makes Lunara's eyelids twitch. Letting out a soft grumble, she blinks a couple of times as she stretches her neck to either side. Even though sleep lingers on her features, her lips form into a small smile when she spots the youngest of her children, Cinders, continuing to poke her legs. Straightening her back on the worn chair, Luna yawns before saying in a gentle tone, "Mornin', Cindie. Did you sleep well? I know that I was reading to you..." The blue-haired woman's eyes wander to her lap, where a tattered storybook lies open. It was one of those old children's books from the Before times. It was being sold by some elderly merchant in the markets and she had a pretty easy time bartering for it. Lu grips the sides of the storybook to see the pictures on the pages. The images are simple and cute; just like her daughter, who is currently talking her ear off.
"Mornin' Mama! I slept good, but my bed is kind of itchy. Feels like there's some buggies in there or somethin'. Oh, the story you read to me at night was fun too! I didn't like how sad the caterpillar was, but it sounds like it was gettin' happier near the end? And, um, I looked outside today too. The rain still looks weird. Like rotten, mushy strawberries..." The little pigtails girl rambles as she keeps pulling on her mother's leg.
Lunara sighs and stands up, rubbing her right eye. She places the storybook on a small wooden table beside the chair. Then, she goes over to pat the head of Cinders before replying, "It still looks bad, huh? Make sure you stay inside here." Luna walks around their family's makeshift dwelling with the little girl strolling beside the young woman. She'd find Raine tending to their hydroponic gardens, humming to a soft tune. The black-haired teen looks over to Lu and Cinders with a gentle smile, then continues caring for the plants. Despite searching over the whole home, it seems like the mother of three could only find two of her children.
Fuckin' Uri. Why the hell would she still be out there? It'd be too dangerous to go out scavenging in this shit, Lunara cursed internally, breathing out to keep her cool. Of course, the one kid that gives her the most trouble would be out and about still in this ominous weather. Letting go of Cinders, she crotches down to the girl's eye level to speak softly, "Listen, honey. Mama's got to go out today. You stay here and help with Raine. You gotta learn a bit more about how to care for the garden anyhow." Just then, Luna hears the sounds of footfall coming from outside. She opens the front entrance to see Raver and his people, asking something about a poster. Naturally, her main concern is Uri. However, Raver's questions and the poster could be related to her unattended daughter.
"Mornin' Mama! I slept good, but my bed is kind of itchy. Feels like there's some buggies in there or somethin'. Oh, the story you read to me at night was fun too! I didn't like how sad the caterpillar was, but it sounds like it was gettin' happier near the end? And, um, I looked outside today too. The rain still looks weird. Like rotten, mushy strawberries..." The little pigtails girl rambles as she keeps pulling on her mother's leg.
Lunara sighs and stands up, rubbing her right eye. She places the storybook on a small wooden table beside the chair. Then, she goes over to pat the head of Cinders before replying, "It still looks bad, huh? Make sure you stay inside here." Luna walks around their family's makeshift dwelling with the little girl strolling beside the young woman. She'd find Raine tending to their hydroponic gardens, humming to a soft tune. The black-haired teen looks over to Lu and Cinders with a gentle smile, then continues caring for the plants. Despite searching over the whole home, it seems like the mother of three could only find two of her children.
Fuckin' Uri. Why the hell would she still be out there? It'd be too dangerous to go out scavenging in this shit, Lunara cursed internally, breathing out to keep her cool. Of course, the one kid that gives her the most trouble would be out and about still in this ominous weather. Letting go of Cinders, she crotches down to the girl's eye level to speak softly, "Listen, honey. Mama's got to go out today. You stay here and help with Raine. You gotta learn a bit more about how to care for the garden anyhow." Just then, Luna hears the sounds of footfall coming from outside. She opens the front entrance to see Raver and his people, asking something about a poster. Naturally, her main concern is Uri. However, Raver's questions and the poster could be related to her unattended daughter.
