⭒❃.✮:▹But like, WHY◃:✮.❃⭒

[Lagertha]

Haiii! Welcome to my Journal/things/absences/idontknowwhatimusingthisfor thingiemajib!

Confidence went splats this week (2-27-22 to 4-2-2022)

I’ve had a ton of ups and downs the past two years, which I may or may not get into, but this week I finally just hit a low this week. It was just a big pile of poo, one thing after another in a short succession that really blew it for me. It’s no ones fault. I’m not angry at the universe or myself. Just recognizing that’s what it is, life threw me a bad curve ball.

I was excited reacting out to people that I thought would be great partners, got some bad responses. That is okay. I tried. Ended up getting some good ones and connecting with some people. Built my confidence a bit my doing that, as it’s not something I’ve done before. Took some hits but healed pretty fast from them.

Lack of sleep, medical issues wore me down. I’ve been getting roughly like 3-5 hours of sleep some nights. With my medical issues, I need about 10 hours. That seems extreme, but I physically and mentally get exhausted faster than other people. It sucks. I also ended seeing my doctor twice within three days, so that was fun. Physical illness for the win.

I tried to ignore how in my head was about things. People have been complimenting my writing lately, but I tend to not take things for face value. It isn’t the other person’s fault, it’s just the environment I grew up has warped how my brain looks at things when someone compliments me. I realize that and I’m still, to this day at 30, working on trying to just take things for face value.

On to the big kicker that threw my confidence off. I haven’t been able to make art like I normally would the last two years due to my illness. I’ve been struggling with completing projects from start to finish and have had to find major work arounds to even get tiny things done. It’s stressful as someone who loves to create, and not being able to do that. Most of my projects in the past two years, even the tiny ones, have been unfinished due to this. In class we only get like 3 weeks to complete projects, which isn’t a lot of time.

I’ve been feeling better this year, so I ended up pushing myself and doing a big project for my senior studio class. I was super excited and happy with the outcome. I wanted to hang it in my altar. For the first part of my critic on Thursday, I got some positive review and constructive criticism. Then the same group of people that have been with me in other classes for the past two years started in. They all know about my physical illness, but not one of them is ever kind to me during my critics. I found out recently they just don’t like my type of art or get it, which is fine. I don’t mind negative constructive cirsticism, I actually enjoy it. What I don’t enjoy, and that’s kinda killed my mood and confidence, is getting criticism just for the sake of them not liking my art.

I get it. I’m an adult. So are they. Some people might think “grow up”. But I’m not paying for people to sit there and bash my art work and not help me improve as an artist strictly because they don’t like me as a person (which I’ve been told on countless occasions and no, it’s not my personality they don’t like) or my art. Literally the end half of my critic was just negative feedback with nothing constructive or helpful at all, someone saying “I don’t like it” or laughing at it, but giving me zero context on why they don’t like it or ways they think might improve it.

Just made me salty. Nothing like being proud of what you made and excited to show it for people who don’t like you just to spit on it.

It doesn’t help that (since I kinda glossed over this before I’ll explain) several of them have told me they don’t like me because they don’t think I should be there because of my physical illness not allowing me to make art up to their standards. They avoid me for this reason even though I have been pretty transparent and shown physical documentation.

Wont lie, I kinda was just over the whole pretentious bullshit of “art needs to be made to my standards to be good”. I miss my classmates that graduated last year who would give me negative constructive criticism. I don’t want to make their art. But it’s hard when you love something and put yourself out there and constantly get squashed by the same assholes.

That was the big one. I also kinda got burnt when I started a few rps this week (like two) and was gaslit for writing a long intro or responses. I’ve warned people in my request thread how into it I get. That wasn’t chill. Honestly, sort of checked out and made me not want to keep looking for partners (I probably will) and deal with the two I got that actually enjoy my long winded responses. That and focus on my solo story for a bit.


TL;DR: Haters in class keep being rude to me during art critics and not helpful but I enjoy constructive feedback. Got laughed at. Medical issues wearing me down. Lack of sleep. Got gaslit for long rp responses and intros. Kinda at a low confidence level right meow.

 

[Lagertha]

Not so great of news. Trying to keep my mental shit in a bag.

I was working on an art project yesterday that's due on Monday, which is fine I'm into it. However, I got a call from one of my doctors that I haven't had time to answer earlier in the past week. Well, I picked up and answered. Funny how things work, when you feel like something is bad news and it turns out to be true. No surprise, I got some pretty unsettling news yesterday and I'm still mulling it over in my head. On the bright side, I won't have to deal with more doctors until the end of the month. On the not-so-stellar side...I'll be freaking out the entire time trying to get through the rest of the semester. I wasn't supposed to see this doctor until next month and now they need to see me sooner...I know they are trying to calm me down and not freak me out but...yeah. Let's just say there is a good chance that the not-so-big problem I thought I had might be pretty bad and put me out of work for half a year. I've already told one professor that had a similar experience and I don't want to give more away...I'm just a jumble of shit right now. I'm happy, but like freaking out. I'm stressed but chill. Trying to stay in the moment and kinda pissed off.

For everyone that doesn't know, I had to drop out of class last semester and was out of work for months due to an illness. Now I possibly have a different one threatening to put me out for longer? Commeee onnnn. I'm 3 classes away from graduating, Universe. Like whyyyyy?

Honestly kinda laughing it off as best I can. Right now I'm going to focus on my solo story and art projects, hang out with family as much as I can, and RP. Trying to take this shit one step at a time.

 

[Lagertha]

That fourth chapter post for my solo story, where did it go? Think I ate it. Nom nom.
But for reals. I've been trying to type up my fourth chapter for a while and getting pretty indecisive and OCD. Not that I have writer's block...it's more that I start worrying I'm going to be contradicting something I said in earlier posts and then I have to think of a workaround because I hate plot holes. (Though I notice a lot of popular books on the market, tv shows, and movies also have pretty bad plot holes. Guess I shouldn't worry too much?) I can always revise it but gahhhh.

Also, I have like so many projects due this upcoming week and my brain be like "NAH WE CHILLING, WE ON FULL CHILL ALERT. WE MELTING INTO THE COUCH SCREAMING CHILL." My brain is amazing. Good news is I'm coming up with some pretty wicked art ideas and plots (I think, I hope, IDK we'll see if anyone digs them).

 

[Lagertha]

Hmm it’s been two years…should I be here?

I’m not sure what to do here anymore since I’ve been gone. A lot has changed and I’ve been doing a lot in my personal life. I’ve been working on my own solo stories and art for sometime and I suppose..I missed the creativity of others. Though, it was always a dilemma of mine to find partners that truly gave me that itch for more and while I enjoy the idea of starting again…I suppose I’m in this weird limbo of being excited by the idea and worried about disappointment. It’s never been just the smut for me, and while that is a cherry on top for role playing, I tend to lean more into the beauty of creation and seeing how others take an over used or under used subject or even creating something out of nothing and twisting it into something strangely unique to the two of us. The way they make characters, the descriptions, the interactions, the possibilities, I live for the dram, gore and romance. I suppose that’s why I stumbled back, for inspiration and to see if I might find that thrill in another I crave to break away from my own mundane tasks and writings. Suppose that is writers or creative block. Though the idea of reworking an old request thread and seeking again seems daunting to me. Where do I start? Do I start? Do I just look through others? What happens if I find someone but become disappointed? Even worse what if I only find dust?


It is a strange balance of being inspired and uninspired all the same. I suppose I’m here for the excitement of the surprise another writer can bring to a story, a world, a universe, a romance and melding of two characters or more. I might rework an old request thread soon to update it to the new request threads rules, not much there I feel I want to keep. It is quite amazing how two years of life can change the creativity of a person and their desires.

Guess I’m just a human drifting in a world of inspiration longing for another human to break through my blocks to give me something to expand my brain once more.

 

[Lagertha]

Here’s why I was gone for so long:
The truth is life got the better of me. I’ve never had a very stable life and was dealing with so much I mentally just shut down. It happens from time to time and I know I’m not the only one. I try my best to not ghost people, but it happens since I typically go into autopilot mode when I shut down. Not that I expect anyone to feel sorry for me or forgive me for such a thing. This isn’t an excuse for my actions as (while we are all strangers on the internet) we are all human with feelings, even writing partners can leave us feeling scorned, upset etc.

Honestly, I was struggling with my physical illness, trying to support myself, trying to take care of animals and ended up in and out of the hospital to the point I was on the brink of dropping out of college when I had two to three semesters left for two degrees. Not to mention my family of origin isn’t very supportive of me. Regardless, I somehow made it through, had some pretty awesome people stick their necks out for me and made sure I got through my last few semesters and helped me rehome some of the pets I loved so much I couldn’t take care of (and for other reasons too like my father being allergic to rabbits). I ended up moving after I graduated because I still wasn’t in a place mentally or physically to be alone, ended up with family where I could only bring my dog and myself. Somehow, in the course of the last few months since graduating last year, I moved in with my partner and have been living here since.

Things are no longer bad. My health (mentally and physically) had been on the mend and improving for months. My partner and his family have truly helped me get to a place where the first time in my life I feel I am in a safe place and don’t have to go on autopilot. I’ve spent time working on my art and pursuing writing but I miss the connection of having writing partners, the inspiration they bring and just seeing how others write and build characters. In the throng of now writing a new book, working on a new art series, being in the process of adopting new pets and working on our garden, I decided to come back to be enriched by the mind of others and to explore the creativity that we can make together. Be it something brand new or something deconstructed from others work or used for inspiration.