❝ SWIPE.SWIPE → feelsHASkilig && JINFINITE

[feelsHASkilig]

welcome to a jinsley original production!

gone are the days when two strangers can meet each other on the street on one fine random day and the rest of their lives are history. nowadays people are using the million and one dating apps to find "the one." or not. it's not on us to judge how people are or aren't finding love. but there is one thing that is just abundantly clear, you can find love a n y w h e r e. love is in your city or another city. it can be in another state. hell, it can be in an entirely different country...with the right fee, of course.

or love can find you even when you're not exactly making the effort to find it. there are those rare occurrences when dating apps just get it so right at the worst time. so, what do you do? how do you maneuver through this modern love story? ​

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[feelsHASkilig]

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billieharris tab The time difference was probably going to be the biggest struggle for Billie. Or maybe she was just being a pessimist and more so preparing for the disappointment that she would be struggling adjusting while abroad. Or maybe she was just so damn tired after her nearly twelve hours of traveling with very little sleep to make up for it.

Yeah, that had to be the reason why she was so bitter and unenthusiastic.

It also didn’t help that her roommate was…well…she was a handful. In fact, she has been a handful since she walked into their shared dorm room yesterday. One look from her and Billie knew she was going to be dealing with a diva far worse than any she had to deal with while she was going to school at the dance academy back home.

Honestly, Billie wished her first official day in Paris started better. This was her first time in France after all. Hell, this was her first time traveling out of the country, period. Surely, the things she heard and saw from her fellow dance mates in OLYMPUS that have the luxury to travel had some ounce of truth. There had to be some enjoyment out of it. And yet, here she was at five in the morning finally admitting defeat after tossing and turning and being in and out of sleep all night.

It was her roommate’s obnoxious phone alarm that pulled Billie out of bed about an hour later. While the incessant blaring filled their quiet and tiny room, she closed Instagram then pulled up iMessage, selecting the group chat titled “WE ARE THE MUSES”.

iMessage

Good morning muses! Day one is about to begin. Wish me luck! Take a shot in my honor bitches! Y’all better be missing me.

​

Although it was the first day of the summer program, the schedule was filled with majority house keeping. Orientation and “opportunities” to meet the other students in the eight week program, including a breakfast in the main hall. There was also a schedule of performances that morning from the instructors to give the students the opportunity to see them in action before classes began. Despite her battle with jetlag and just overall exhaustion, Billie enjoyed the morning. Well, she enjoyed the breakfast and performances. Orientation was, naturally, very boring and if it weren’t for the fact that the director of the program spoke with a heavy accent and thus forced her to pay close attention, she might have actually dozed off through most of it.

After orientation, Billie followed the crowd of students out of the main hall to one of the larger classrooms. Inside there were tables lined up against the walls. At each table stood the very instructors she watched perform earlier that morning. This was the part of today’s schedule that honestly made her the most nervous. Which, if she were to be honest, should not make her nervous at all. Signing up for dance classes was a requirement as a member of the OLYMPUS dance team.

The summer dance program Billie applied to had a unique system in regards to the class structure. It was a prestigious program, sure, and only a strictly selected few are accepted every year. Surely the small incoming class size meant an easy job for the administrators to assign classes for the students. No, that was not how the program operated at all. The program offered some of the best dance instructors in the world; not just in Paris, though a majority of them are French. However, as is mentioned in the program brochures and reiterated during orientation, it is on the students to decide which classes they want to take for the next eight weeks. The students decide their entire schedule, so long as it meets the minimum criteria to continue in the program, of course.

As previously mentioned, this should be a walk in the park for Billie. As a long time member of the OLYMPUS dance team back home, one of the requirements to remain on the team was to sign up for classes held at the OLYMPUS dance studio. In fact, this setup was more familiar to her than the academic setting of having her class schedule prepared for her. So why was it suddenly so nerve wracking for her to walk into the large dance studio to begin building her class schedule? Well, the easiest answer to that was she had NO IDEA who any of these dance instructors were. That was when she realized this was nothing like signing up for classes at OLYMPUS studio.

It was at this moment that Billie knew she had to depend heavily on her many acquired work skills to help her survive this next hour or so.

As an actress, Billie has learned to hone in her ability to retain information for a long period of time. Names. Faces. Lines. Choreography. Her impressive memory is her strongest asset and she is damn proud of it. Right now, she was going to use the hell out of it.

While, yes, she made acquaintances and potential friends with people during breakfast, Billie also made sure to pay close attention to all the performances by this year’s instructors. She put to memory every face of those that piqued her interest to ensure that when this time came, she would be able to find them in the crowd of students and sign up for their classes.

With a deep breath, Billie pulled out her phone and walked over to the closest familiar face.

When Billie returned to her dorm room roughly an hour later, she felt mostly satisfied with her class schedule. Firstly, it met the minimum criteria. She had three classes every Monday and Tuesday and two classes on Friday. This left her Wednesday and Thursday for independent work study or practices, for when she started working on whatever piece she would be performing for the showcase at the end of the program. She also signed up for classes with instructors that grabbed her attention the most. These classes spanned various disciplines and she predicted that she would be left on her toes every day. She was very excited to start.

Since Billie finished signing up for classes at a fairly decent time, she had a break for a little less than an hour before the next item on today’s itinerary. During this time, she mostly stayed in her dorm browsing through her phone. She had plenty of text messages to read through, Instagram posts and stories to view and multiple Snapchat streaks to continue. All this she did with a bit too much attentiveness. If she didn’t, she would have to address a group of text messages from the previously introduced “WE ARE THE MUSES” group chat that she was not particularly excited to respond to.

It was a damn good thing it was now two in the morning in LA. She had a few hours of peace before she was once again hounded to set up her Tinder profile with Passport. The last thing she wanted to think about with this amazing summer opportunity was dating abroad.

For the remainder of the day, Billie and the rest of the students in the program would be exploring the city. This tour was more for the newcomers of the program as well as the foreign students. Billie very quickly noticed that her roommate was nowhere in sight when she returned to the main hall, which was a relief. In fact, while there were still a lot of students that returned to the main hall, it was definitely not as many as earlier this morning during orientation and class sign ups.

The tour was what one would imagine a tour around Paris would look like. Billie and the other attending students filed into a tour bus parked in front of the main building. She sat beside a couple girls originally from Spain. Both applied to the program to focus on ballet and contemporary dance and she found out that they all had a couple classes together. In between getting to know her two new classmates, Billie listened to the tour guide standing at the front of the bus as he listed out fun facts and historical details about the various historic sights they passed. Throughout the tour, the bus would make various stops at specific tourist sights to give the students the opportunity to see it up close…as tourists. Because, as their tour guide joked when they all filed out of the bus to see the Eiffel Tower, “after today, you will all no longer be tourists.”

Billie had every intention of fully documenting this tour the moment she stepped foot into the bus. She even picked out a window seat for that very purpose. However, she learned fairly quickly that she would not be able to fully depend on her phone’s cellular data. While she was capable of using her phone’s data while in Paris with no extra cost, it came at the unfortunate price that everything outside of texting would be slow. She realized this an hour after visiting the front of the Eiffel Tower when the photo she took for her Instagram story was still uploading. The same applied to the multiple people she sent photos to on Snapchat. Looks like she was going to have to depend mostly on finding wifi around the city or waiting until she was back at the school to post or send anything.

Actually, social media was not the only way she realized she would need to figure out how to work around her now slow phone data.

Instead of dropping off the students back at the school, the tour ended near the city center. The bus dropped them all off near the entrance of what looked like a marketplace lined with food stalls and retail vendors. This was apparently an opportunity for the students to explore the city on their own time and pace. The only rule they had to abide by was to return to the dorms by six. Billie didn’t mind this, of course. The moment she knew that she had some free time to explore the city, she had but one goal in mind.

Prior to her arrival in Paris, Billie made sure to do a small handful of important things to prepare her for her stay. The first was to learn and memorize some key important French phrases to help her get around the city. Luckily for her, one of her roommates knew conversational French. So prior to landing in Paris, she knew how to ask if someone spoke English (although she was told to use it sparingly…for some reason), how to find specific locations and how to say (insert English word) in French. Among other more nuisance phrases that are more for Billie’s entertainment and will definitely be used only in very specific circumstances.

She also learned some travel tips and tricks from her fellow OLYMPUS dance mates that have had the opportunity to visit Paris before. But if she was to be honest, a lot of those tips pertained to being a tourist the entire time. Considering her rather busy class schedule, she didn’t even know if she had any other chances outside of planned ones to be a tourist in this city. Regardless, she retained those tips for whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Lastly, and honestly the most important in Billie’s perspective, she researched where she could find the best eclairs in all of Paris. Yes. Eclairs. There was no way she could step foot in Paris without scavenging for the absolute best place to get her favorite pastry. After some strenuous sleuthing all over social media, YouTube videos and travel blogs, she felt that she found it.

Once the tour was officially over and everyone was now free to do as they pleased for the remainder of their day, Billie said goodbye to her new Spanish friends to find a nearby store or restaurant with wifi. She had reached her peak being patient with her slow phone data and desperately needed to find someplace that had wifi that was beyond faster. She found what looked like a local cafe where a majority of the patrons had their eyes glued to some type of screen. The instant she stepped inside, her phone was already in her hand with the Settings open on the screen. For an extra measure to not make it seem like she was just there to use their wifi, she did order a sandwich to eat for lunch. While she waited for said sandwich to be ready, she pulled up the directions to the eclair shop and made sure to screenshot these directions just in case. Then with a little extra time before she was ready to leave, she went straight to work making sure all of her Snaps and Instagram story posts were successfully sent and posted. It really was a damn good thing it was still the middle of the night in LA. No one back home needs to know her struggles.

After finishing the sandwich she bought for lunch, Billie once more pulled up the screenshot of directions and was on her way to what has been dubbed the best place to buy eclairs. Her mouth was already watering thinking about it. She really hoped that the travel blogs were right because she was about to commit to a half hour walk in the opposite direction of the school just for these.

As prepared as she was, Billie could not run away from what is considered one of her fatal flaws…she was terrible at reading directions. When it came to GPS directions, Billie was more skilled at listening to directions than reading them. This meant that without an active GPS telling her exactly where to go, she got turned around a couple times, requiring her to backtrack once or twice to the last known point before she lost her place. So what should have been a half hour walk – shorter if she were walking at a faster pace – turned into near an hour. In the end though, she did make it and arrived at a point in the day when the shop was not as crowded. Sure, there were still plenty of patrons before her, but she still considered it a win that she managed to get in and out of there with a fresh eclair in hand at a decent amount of time.

Despite the struggles in her journey, the eclair was worth it. With each bite, Billie’s feet were practically dancing under her chair. And paired with their house coffee, it was chef’s kiss. With only a couple more bites left she contemplated buying another or a few more for the road. She didn’t though. She reasoned that she shouldn’t be too excited. After all, she was going to be living in Paris for the next eight weeks. After a couple more trips, she would memorize the directions and it would be easier to get these heavenly eclairs whenever she wanted.

Suffice it to say, Billie was very happy with this little excursion. But now it was time for her to work backwards to return to school. Especially since six was coming up real quick.

It was logical for Billie to reason that all she needed to do was do the opposite of the directions. Of course, the only reason she had to consider this reasoning was due to the fact that she hadn’t considered looking up the directions from the shop to school when she still had access to working wifi. Now, well, her last ounce of patience with her phone data dwindled to zero as she stared impatiently at Maps as it tried oh so hard to load directions for her. At this rate she was definitely not going to make it back to school in time. So, working backwards.

Initially she started off pretty well. Her initial short term memory picked up on familiar landmarks she recalled seeing earlier. That plus doing the opposite of what the directions said had her feeling confident that she was doing a good job.

And then, she reached an intersection with two street signs she did not recognize. Then, after turning back to find the previous familiar street sign, she came across another unfamiliar street intersection. Then another. And another. Now…she was lost again.

“Fuck…” she cursed under her breath while she squinted up at the nearby street sign and compared it to what was currently on her phone. Yeah, definitely not a match. What in the world was she going to do now?

Billie leaned against the nearby wall to give her a moment to take a deep breath and allow the panic to fade away. Freaking out was not going to resolve the fact that she was lost in a completely foreign city. She needed to get her senses together to think of something…anything. Once her panic fog cleared away, the first thing to pop into Billie’s head was to find another cafe. Surely if the one she went to earlier had wifi, the others had to as well. And, really, Paris had so many cafes there had to be one just around the block. So, with what little ounce of bravery she had left to say fuck it to the wind, Billie picked a random direction and started walking. All the while she was praying for a cafe.

After walking another couple blocks, her prayers were answered!

In truth, she had a feeling something was different about this cafe. Sure it gave off the air of a Parisian cafe, but something about it gave off the vibe that it was more local than “touristy”. It was definitely not like the ones located in the city center. But it was the first cafe she found after all her walking and at this point, she was desperate.

The moment she stepped foot inside the cafe, Billie had a feeling she might not get the help she needed. Or, at least, not in a friendly manner. The employee stationed at the counter gave her one look up and down and a deep scowl appeared on his face. Billie froze at the door all the while wondering if she should continue to commit to her plan.

Well, she was already here so might as well. Billie cleared her throat and took one hesitant step inside. “Uh, bonjour…” she said nervously. The person at the counter didn’t say anything, but kept his eyes squarely on her. Suddenly she wondered if this was one of these instances where she should not ask in French if he knew how to speak English.

“Uh-um.” Billie could practically feel her brain at the brink of short circuiting as she attempted to pull up the minimal knowledge of French she brought with her from the states. “A-A-Avez…uh…um….” Billie cleared her throat again. “Avez-vous le…uhh…wifi?”

Whatever she said managed to set him off. In the stream of what sounded like angry French to Billie’s ears, the only thing she could pick up was “no wifi” and the animated flailing of his hands and arms that looked like he was shooing her out of the cafe. Even if there was a chance he wasn’t, Billie wasn’t taking her chances as she muttered her attempt at “I’m sorry” in French and opened the door to leave.

Well, that was embarrassing. Good thing there wasn’t anyone inside to witness all that. In fact, the only other person that looked remotely like a customer was some guy sitting at one of the tables directly outside the cafe. If he somehow saw or heard any of what happened just now, he didn’t show it. Instead, he had his eyes glued to whatever was on his phone.

Defeated, Billie let out a tired sigh. She lightly tapped the Home button of her phone to look at the time. Shit. It was hitting real close to six and she wasn’t even close to figuring out where she needed to go. She could feel the panic starting to rise up again. Should she dare try finding another cafe with a nicer staff? Or maybe just stay in one place and pluck up enough patience to give her phone data another chance to TRY and pull up directions for her.

Or…

Well, it was worth a shot.

Billie turned her head ever so slightly to look back at the guy still sitting outside the cafe. He was still looking at his phone. Well…he didn’t look mean. Would it hurt to at least try again at asking someone for help?

“Uh-um…excuse me?” Shit, she might have just screwed this up already. Before she could remedy her mistake with yet another embarrassing attempt at French, the guy looked up from his phone to meet her gaze. For a split second, Billie entertained the thought that this guy was actually kind of cute. He looked her age. And when he looked at her, he didn’t immediately throw a smug look in her direction. Okay, maybe asking this guy for help wouldn’t be too bad. Hopefully.

“Uhhh…” Billie tightened her grip on her phone, her brain’s reactionary response remembering that the device was practically worthless at this point. There was no way she could quickly pull up Translate to help her find the right words. It was once again back to the impeccable memory of this actress.

“Um, bonjour… Uh, où est…um…a map?” Good going, Billie. Feel free to turn red now. Or run away.

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june 17, 2019 tab tab

outside a cafe tab tab

a cute stranger

 

[JINFINITE]

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theeadore tab The couch isn’t usually people’s first choice for sleeping arrangements. When given options, most will opt for a real bed, but when it’s between the couch or the floor it’s obvious who the second runner up is. It wasn’t that Theo didn’t have a bed available to him, but he had stumbled in late last night and in his overly tipsy state hadn’t managed to make it any further into the house.

There was a throw blanket over him when he woke up, and a glass of water sitting on a coaster on the glass coffee table beside him. Clearly someone had found him, and judging by the cold condensation forming on the glass it had been within the hour at least.

Theo groaned softly, tugging his hoodie further up over his dark curls as he rolled over towards the back cushions of the couch. It was a bit of a gray area whether he was regretting his decision to go out last night. Waking up hungover was never fun, but last night he’d had such a blast reuniting with friends he hadn’t seen in over a year since the last time he was in Paris. But he wasn’t supposed to be drinking…him being here now was supposed to be part of a detox—vacationing away from the toxic social life he had gotten so dangerously wrapped up in. Theo wasn’t a dependent alcoholic though, he was a social drinker, so when the others called it quits last night he didn’t have any problem following suit. That would be why he was just tired and dehydrated right now and not waking up on the bathroom floor….because he had been there plenty of times before.

So where had the glass of water come from? Your guess was as good as his. Could have been his mother, his sister, his aunt, the housekeeper, hell maybe it was even himself in a dream state. That was the thing about staying in the family house, and exactly why he was here: to keep him out of trouble and his secrets out for everyone to know. His mother had promised he could move out on his own later, his family had another property he could stay at, but he had to prove himself first and he wasn’t off to a good start.

”Bonjour, tu devrais te lever avant que Mama ne se réveille.”

So it was his sister after all. Theo groaned in protest when he heard her flick on the overhead light, but she at least was kind enough to dim it down because yes, his mother’s house had dimmable lights in all the rooms. He otherwise didn’t acknowledge his sister though. No verbal response, didn’t make any move to get up as she had advised, nothing. He wasn’t exactly choosing to ignore her, after all they got along surprisingly well for being siblings. But it was still early, he was hungover and she was still processing that her baby brother had gotten into such deep shit in the states that he was here on intervention now rather than a casual summer break in France like old times.

”Théo.”
”Okay…”
They were usually so similar people often mistook them as twins, but there were frequent occasions like this where their different upbringings were truly highlighted. They were only a small handful of years apart but Noémie had fully embraced her French citizenship even when she had been living in New York. While Theo was very American. He always defaulted to English despite being fluently bilingual, but it was never due to not identifying with his French heritage, he just felt more American.

His hand pressed to his forehead as he slowly sat up, turning to see Noémie still in the door frame leading into the kitchen, "Tu as faim?"
”No…”
She repeated her advice to get up soon, drink the water, try to eat, take a shower—to basically pull himself together before his mother woke up and came downstairs to find him knocked out on the couch. Then Noémie left him alone, she had breakfast plans apparently with some friends and wouldn’t be back for several hours.

Once alone again Theo gave the glass of water another glance and this time made the effort to reach for it. He had been content before to ignore it and go back to sleep, but after his interactions with his sister he was realizing just how parched he truly was and that cold glass was starting to look real good. Actually food would have been nice too but he could hear his sister dropping her keys into her purse in the hall signaling that he had missed his chance for her to make him anything. Oh well, having to feed himself would help him wake up and revive so that when his mother did come down he could present well.

He’d already been staying here in Paris for well over a month, so it wasn’t that he was struggling with the adjustment at all. Theo had already gone through several levels of depression and what he was left with now was more or less just his normal self. But while he was feeling better, he knew his family still worried for him and so the last thing he needed was to give cause for concern. Thus not needing his mother to know how late he had come home last night, and especially not that he had been too drunk to make it to his own bed. That ran too much risk of argument if she started voicing her deep fears for his well being.

Theo wasn’t ignorant or dumb either, he knew very well how much it must have hurt her everytime she received news of him through a hospital or the police rather than from her own son directly. So he was making every effort now to stay out of trouble and to keep her happy, and so even though last night had been tame and safe with good friends he knew his mother wouldn’t take it so easily if he was obviously nursing a hangover still by the time she saw him. Luckily for Theo he had managed to finish his water along with some Ibuprofen pilfered from his sister’s bathroom, take a shower and was standing at the kitchen counter shoveling cereal into his mouth by the time his mother made her entrance. Safe. He definitely owed his sister this time.

But his morning felt so anticlimactic as his mother began telling him about her full day of events and activities. He had rushed and forced his way into the land of the living just to find out that it was pretty much all for nothing? His mother wouldn’t even be home today. He could have just crawled into his own bed after Noémie woke him up…and so that ended up being exactly what Theo did after kissing his mother goodbye. Yes he was 20 something years old now, but Theo had never truly kicked his teenage self’s sleep habits: such as the ability to sleep past noon which was how long he stayed curled up under his blankets in the dark and peaceful quiet of his bedroom.

The other sleep habit he was unable to kick was how actively he dreamt. Theo didn’t just sleep because it was a human necessity. He slept when he was bored, or to pass the time. He slept to escape reality because in his dreams there was nothing he couldn’t do—and the proof of that was well documented in the black moleskin journal sticking out from under his pillow. When Theo did finally wake up it was pushing one o’clock and the summer sun had brightened his room to the point that even Theo, the king of sleep, had trouble ignoring.

His routine after sleeping was always to write down his dreams, when he had them that is. Earlier he had woken up to an empty mind, but now after his extended nap he had a whole adventure to document—if he could find his pen that is. That was the downside to sleeping with a pen and journal in his bed, there was no telling where they would be when he woke up. Back home in New York they usually lived on his bedside table because his bed was a bit small to leave things. But here in one of his mother’s guest rooms he had a queen size bed to himself and so all things important to him ended up just sharing the extra space with him. His phone, his journal, his iPad, his hoodie from two nights ago, there was quite a bit spread out around him and so it was only natural that everything got shoved around and lost amongst the sheets.

Thankfully it didn’t take him long to find his pen, he just had to flip his pillows, shake out the blanket and chuck his old clothes onto the floor at which point he heard it clatter to the hardwood below. At least he could finally write now and opened up his journal to do so—“Fuck…”
The profanity slipped out under his breath as a flash of pain overtook all his senses while he pulled his hand back towards his body. His hand had closed in on itself, applying pressure to the new wound as he continued to hiss at the pain.

Theo unclenched his hand to look down and access the damage done. At first there were no visible markings but with the release of pressure the edges of the wound lost contact and it took just a couple seconds for bright red blood to pool up along the slit of his new papercut. He instinctively stuck the tip of his finger into his mouth, sucking at the pain while his other hand continued to fumble for the last couple blank pages in the back of the journal.

When he was done the very last page was a cramped and cribbled mess as he had been so desperate to fit everything on the page that he had even began to write sideways along the margins. Well, this book was full. That at least gave him something to do with the rest of his day, so after a bit of surfing the internet he was able to narrow down a stationary store that wasn’t too far away. But first, lunch!

Theo was no stranger to getting around Paris, nor to traveling alone. If he were with his immediate family then he would have a driver and protection detail to get to and and from wherever they were going. But Theo often went rogue, that is to say that he would choose to be independent from his family’s importance. As such he mostly traveled on foot if not by uber; it allowed him to travel off the public’s radar. He himself wasn't famous or popular or noticable on the streets, but alongside his family he frequently got included in photographs for articles and especially as of late he was not a fan of the attention. It wasn’t like the whole world knew his academic scandal, his family’s PR team had done a terrific job with damage control. It was more so that Theo himself just was sensitive and self conscious with it all now after everything he’d been through the past couple years.

So he truly didn’t mind being alone, or eating alone, or shopping alone, or killing time alone to avoid going back home. That was how he ended up in a cafe staring down the cinnamon pastry in the glass case knowing very well that he shouldn’t get it despite the strong temptation. But maybe it was because of that very fact that he was forever drawn towards his kryptonite. Being allergic to cinnamon obviously meant that he wasn’t supposed to eat it, but it sort of just created a phenomenon for Theo of wanting what he couldn’t have. After all, he could have just about anything else he wanted. Money had never been an issue for him—whatever he wanted he got. Of course that’s not to say he was a self centered spoiled brat. Theo didn’t often want anything, but he was still used to having that option and that no one would tell him no. Yet here was a cute little pastry teasing him with all its cinnamony gooey goodness and unless he wanted to be sick and/or hospitalized for the rest of the day, staring at it through the glass would be the closest he could get to this one dangerous craving of his.

”Merci,” So with coffee and a non-toxic-to-Theo pastry in hand he turned away from the staff behind the counter to go sit outside and enjoy the rest of his alone time. No one would bother him here. The cafe was empty apart from him, the street itself wasn’t particularly busy, his mother wasn’t here to worry about him and his sister wasn’t here to nag him. He was able to mindlessly scroll his phone and mentally escape…sort of. It wasn’t like his socials brought much joy or positivity into his life these days. Instagram was boring, Snapchat was just for maintaining obligatory streaks, Facebook was full of people announcing important life events that just made him feel so unsuccessful…honestly maybe being on his phone wasn’t such a good idea. He’d rather talk to a real person than be force fed other people’s accomplishments, but he wasn’t exactly in the mood to be social either. It was times like this when he truly wished to be back home where he could just get high with his cat and not have to worry about anything else in the world. Actually it was only noon back in New York, he could call his ex…

At just about the same moment that he decided he would make a Facetime call to his cat there was a girl’s voice calling for his attention and pulling him away from his phone to do just what he had been simultaneously avoiding and craving: to talk to a real person. However it was immediately painfully obvious that she didn't know French. That didn’t matter much to Theo, after all English was his first language. But was she making her best effort to communicate in a foreign country? Yes. And should he be teasing her for her pronunciation or lack of vocabulary? Definitely not. But could he help himself? Not really.

The thought crossed his mind to tell her to say bonsoir instead. It was almost six o’clock after all. But no, it would be a little too pretentious of him in this context to be fixing her French when she was clearly struggling enough as it was, besides it wasn’t like she was in the wrong, bonjour was still grammatically correct, so he’d just match her, ”Bonjour madame~”

”Une carte?” He exaggerated his pronunciation, as if to see if it would ring any bells for the girl. But Theo could easily see that there was zero recognition on her face as he spoke, his French flying way over her head, “Es-tu perdu?”
He smirked a little now, entertaining himself with the situation while he glanced down at his phone as his thumb swiped up to reach his homepage, “Oui oui, j'ai Google Maps.“

Theo didn’t bother masking the English name with French pronunciation, he let his flat American voice shine through, and clearly throwing the girl off as she did a confused double take at his accent, or lack thereof, “Sorry, my bad. Yeah where’re you tryna go?”
This poor girl must’ve been so stressed up till now, the relief on her face vanquished any embarrassment from her earlier French attempt, and it seemed not even Theo’s teasing bothered her now that she knew the truth. She was just so relieved to find someone who spoke proper English—or…American English at least—someone she could safely talk to who understood her and who she could understand as well.

He sat up now from his previously slouched position and set his unlocked phone on the cafe table beside his brown paper bag from his earlier trip to the stationary store. She was explaining how she had gotten all turned around trying to backtrack her earlier directions, and her phone wasn’t loading anything and she needed to be back at six, it really sounded like a whole ordeal. While comparatively here was Theo having successfully wasted another day away doing absolutely nothing. She was asking now for help to find these streets and landmarks she had been using earlier, pulling up the screenshots on her phone while shyly trying to read through the French names in hopes that he would recognize where she was talking about. Which he did, he was familiar enough with the area to be able to pinpoint where she had lost her way, but this all seemed like an awful lot of work, surely there was an easier way for her to get back…

”Where are you staying?” The immediate pause after he spoke was deafening. That had been a dumb move, don’t ask the girl lost in a foreign country where she’s staying, you’ll come off as creepy.
”Sorry—that just sounds like a lot of walking when the bus is literally right there,” he motioned down the street but in truth the bus stop was a couple blocks down and not visible from where they were positioned outside the cafe. But to know whether that was the bus she needed did depend on knowing her destination, or the general area at the very least. Theo in all his independence was great at getting around and honestly could probably even shave off a couple minutes of her commute with some local insider knowledge. Not that he was a local, but he was here just about every year so it was close enough.

Maybe she trusted him, or she at least didn’t find him particularly threatening, or maybe she was just desperate…whatever the reason, Theo ended up walking with her to the bus stop and even waiting with her till she was safely boarded and on her way. And so with his good Samaritan task of the day complete, he could now go back himself so that he could…well…continue doing nothing.

Theo had reached a point in his healing that everything just felt so boring. He didn’t have his own hobbies, most of his interests were not his own and had just been him going along with other people. This lull in his life had him balancing on unstable sand dunes and unable to see much more in any direction. There was no tropical oasis in sight, just plain boring sand all around him, but all it would take was one misstep to send him sinking down into the depressive state he had just gotten out of.

He had left the house today, that was good. But did he have fun? Did he enjoy his time out? Was he looking forward to anything else this week? No, not really. In fact once he was home he ended up just laying on his bed and back on his phone for more mindless scrolling. With a heavy sigh, disappointed in himself, Theo closed out of Instagram for seemingly the hundredth time that day. But rather than putting his phone down he instead opened up another app to swipe through. It was a phone game of sorts, but not in the typical sense. This wasn’t an arcade game or anything that accumulated points— this was Tinder.

As soon as it loaded he clicked into his inbox, there were messages waiting for him from a girl he had been talking to earlier in the week but honestly it felt like pulling teeth trying to get anything of substance out of her. She was friendly, and funny, and cute, but anytime he would ask her something she would dodge the question or give him single word responses. Even using her as an escape wasn’t working anymore when he was dreading having to piece together his words before sending them. He just wanted someone he could talk to casually without having to amp up his personality or feign interest to make someone feel special.

This wasn’t working for him, sorry Cleo.

He didn’t even reply or explain himself, just unmatched and watched as she vanished out of his life just like that. But rather than closing the app he found himself returning to the main page to begin swiping. His friends used to always tell him to just swipe for everyone because “You never know”. But that didn’t sit right with Theo, nor was he quite brave enough to say yes to everyone only to to realize later they had nothing in common. Besides, sometimes he found people’s bios to be rather entertaining. There were some good jokes every once in a while. This was the equivalent of virtual people watching. He could surf through people’s photos, judge them based on the cringe things they would say, but he was safe behind his phone screen and would never have to worry about dealing with any of these people in person. Because as active as he was on Tinder, he had never actually met anyone in person off of it. Theo had never made it past the talking stage with anyone cause he would always start taking it too seriously and realize he wasn’t growing feelings for the other person and he needed to form some type of relationship with a person to keep it going. So Tinder had been wildly unsuccessful for him, but he still came back over and over again to pass the time.

Seeing as how he had never had any meaningful connections come from his swiping, it was safe to say that when a familiar face popped up he really didn’t know how to respond. This was the girl from the cafe…right? Clicking into her profile he tapped through her photos to confirm that it wasn’t just someone who looked similar. Billie. He realized that they had never exchanged names earlier so he didn’t have any cross references or proof, but he was positive this had to be the same girl. What were the odds of that?

This was a first for Theo. Never before had he been nervous to swipe for someone because he had zero expectations for anything to come from this. And it wasn’t like he suddenly was anticipating anything happening just because he’d found her, but knowing who she was offline really did a number on his mental state and left him just staring at the huge smile on her pretty face. Why was he hesitating? She was clearly a tourist. She had seemed pretty chill. Maybe it’d be refreshing to talk to her instead of the girls like Cleo or the ones only interested in sex. Tinder was just for him to pass the time. A distraction. Something to keep him busy in a world where he had nothing of his own to occupy himself with. This Billie girl had seemed nice earlier, he wouldn’t mind talking to her more.

His thumb moved the second his brain settled on a half hearted decision: Billie was a yes, swipe right. And just like that her photo was gone, replaced with the next girl in line for him to pass judgment on. Theo didn’t continue swiping though, distracted by a strange nervousness in his stomach that he wasn’t used to feeling. Why? Why was he feeling like this over her? It wasn’t even like he had “chosen” her. Everything would depend on her swiping right on him too, and that was if the algorithm even showed her his profile. And it was just Tinder, not worth getting butterflies over a girl he didn’t even know. Even though he had felt they vibed pretty well earlier. Theo was quick to lock his phone and drop it onto his bed, wanting to escape the pressure he was putting on this make believe relationship in his head. It was dinnertime anyways, maybe by the time he came back he would have something else to occupy himself with. Or a new match waiting for him.

---

june 17, 2019 tab tab

his mother's house tab tab

alone

 

[feelsHASkilig]

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billieharris tab After being saved by the cute American boy–at least she assumed he was American based on his accent–the rest of Billie’s first day in Paris was much easier. She did make it back to the school in time and for the rest of the evening never ventured outside the campus. The rest of the day’s program consisted of an evening function for the students. Naturally, there was a lot of music and a lot of opportunities for the students to show off why they were selected for this year’s summer program. Billie didn’t volunteer, unfortunately. In truth she wanted to take in the scene and her surroundings. So while she solidified the morning friendships she made earlier that day, she also documented as much of the event as possible. She posted raw photos and videos on Snapchat or in her Instastory. She kept other photos and videos for when she will work on her Day 1 post for her social media later. She simply just let herself finally let go of the stress she has been feeling all day to just enjoy the damn moment.

She was finally doing something that didn’t have her constantly thinking about the next month’s rent or all the bills that need to be paid. She was finally taking all of her friends’ advice and enjoying her life.

She was in Paris! And she was doing it for her!

At the end of the night, however, Billie couldn’t get another ounce of sleep. While it could be argued that it might be due to jet lag again, she felt that it was just the overall adrenaline of an overall good night. It also helped that when she returned to her dorm her roommate hadn’t returned as well. And…well…didn’t return at all. When said roommate didn’t return well past curfew, Billie took this opportunity to take up as much space as she wanted in their tiny room. She played whatever music she wanted–at a reasonable volume that wouldn’t get her in trouble, of course–while working on her Day 1 social media posts.

There really was an art to posting on social media. While Billie considered herself a bit of an expert on it after all these years assisting in the management of OLYMPUS’ Instagram account, there was no denying that it still took far longer than it took someone to come across it and determine if it was worth a Like or not.

Billie switched positions on her bed multiple times as she pulled together photos and videos that she deemed postable. The photos she reserved for Instagram while the videos she bookmarked and brainstormed how she would splice them together for TikTok.

Like all things with social media, time just flew for Billie when she finally exited Instagram. Since it was still early in California for her friends to see her new post, she let the notifications flood her phone while she worked on responding to messages and texts she left unread while she was busy. This, of course, opened the floodgates for her friends back and home to continue these conversations. At least until they finally calculated the time difference between California and Paris and insisted that she get some sleep.

That was easier said than done, but Billie appreciated the concern nonetheless as she wished her friends good night. But this did leave her with nothing productive to do while still tackling jet lag in the middle of the night. And she really didn’t have the motivation to return to her social media apps just to look at all the new likes that were coming in for her latest post. She considered playing one or two of the games on her phone, but just like social media, those didn’t grab her attention at the moment.

So, short of trying to force herself to go to sleep, Billie was at a loss for what else could keep her occupied. Until her eyes fell upon a very similar social media app she had yet to really pay attention to…at least to the extent her friends wished she would now that she was in Paris.

Well, she was paying extra for the Passport benefits, might as well give Tinder a spin finally.

Unfortunately, not even Tinder could hold her attention for very long. After swiping left five times in a row, Billie lost interest in the task and decided to just try and get some sleep for the remaining three hours left of her first night in Paris.

Whether or not that was a good idea would be up in the air throughout the entire morning of her second day. But at least she didn’t have to think too much about how exhausted she was. Now that orientation and the logistics of the entire summer program were complete, it was time to actually begin classes.

Her first class of the day was with an up and coming ballet choreographer. She was one of the few instructors Billie knew of before orientation having followed her career since she was a principal dancer. Admittedly, she may have also been one of the top five reasons she applied for the summer program. So to say that Billie was beyond thrilled to take eight weeks worth of classes with her was not enough words to describe how she was feeling. At least she can focus on that excitement as opposed to the barely two hours of sleep she managed last night.

Much to her surprise, she was one of the first students to arrive at class. The only other person in the studio before her was a short girl with long black hair in what had to be the tightest ponytail she had ever seen. Billie didn’t even think that there was any hair product keeping stray strands in line. Then again, not everyone had such unruly wavy hair like hers that did need some TLC to get it to cooperate. For now, Billie left the ponytail girl alone as she found a spot along the opposite wall from the wall-length mirror.

She spent this time before class started while other students filed in breaking in her ballet slippers. Well, breaking them in some more. Had she gotten her way she would have come to Paris with her older slippers. They were already worn in, broken in and she was overall used to them. But her friends in OLYMPUS, bless their souls, thought they were doing her a service pitching in to buy her a couple new pairs to impress her new classmates. What they didn’t realize until too late was the amount of work she would have to put into getting them to the state she needed to even attempt to dance properly in them. It was safe to say that she got plenty of shocked reactions from her multiple fellow OLYMPUS members on Snapchat when she showed them how beat up the new shoes looked after she had her way with them.

It would, of course, take more than one round to get them to a point Billie felt they would be the most comfortable. So while she waited for class to start, she pulled her shoes from her dance bag and went to work bending them one way then the other until the soles felt less stiff by her personal standards. Did they actually reach that point when class started? Not really, but Billie was nothing if not adaptable. At least for the time being. She would work on getting them better fitted by the next class.

It was sometime in the middle of her second class that Billie felt awake enough to get through the rest of the day. The last bit of exhaustion from lack of sleep faded thanks to a hearty lunch and some bonding with the Spanish girls she met yesterday during the tour. In fact, Billie and her new friends had been inseparable since they reunited during their first class that morning. There was, however, a new addition to this group. In the time since they separated after the tour the other day, the two girls had also befriended another ballet/contemporary dancer that was actually a local. It became very clear, very quickly to Billie how much this would benefit her. Maybe now she can have a better chance of getting around the city without getting as lost as she had the other day.

Well, there was only one way to find out.

After two full days of classes, Billie and her new group of friends thought it only fitting that they celebrate; totally not taking into account that they still had one more day of classes left before they were officially done with their first week. But Madeline, their trusty local friend, insisted that they go out after their second day of classes. When asked if there was any particular reason why tonight of all nights, she simply said that she just “felt like it”. Far be it for Billie to oppose an invitation to go out.

When she met up with her friends at the entrance to the dorms, she found Madeline carrying what looked like a picnic basket. As Billie walked up to her, one of the first things she inquired about was the basket. Apparently it was part of the plans she put together specifically for them and for tonight. “I don’t get to be a tourist in my own city,” she commented, her accent thicker due to her excitement. She didn’t offer any further explanation to that as the rest of their group arrived a few minutes later.

During their short trip to their first destination, it was made very clear to Billie and her two other friends that they had not experienced the Eiffel Tower in the best possible way the other day. Billie couldn’t help looking at the other two at this. But it did not take very long for her to figure out just what her new friend meant. As soon as they arrived at Champ de Mars, Billie noticed that the area around the Eiffel Tower was full of other people sitting on the grass. Some were sitting on blankets enjoying the company they were with. Others, like them, were prepared with a full picnic spread. As Madeline pulled out the contents of her picnic basket, she raved about the pastries. According to her, they came from a local bakery she insisted served the best pain au chocolat in all of France. Billie chose to keep her mouth shut about the eclairs she had the other day, at least for the time being. Mostly because if she dared say anything about them out loud right now, she might lose the constant battle she’s been having fighting the urge to go back and get some more. She still could not pluck up the courage to make that trip again. Especially since the chance of meeting that cute guy again was near impossible.

It was once the sun started to set behind the Eiffel Tower did Billie understand what her friend meant about them not experiencing it correctly. She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face as she looked away from her phone screen to take in the glistening bright lights that now covered the structure. She and the rest of her friends marveled at the beauty of it for a few more seconds then Madeline insisted that they lift up their champagne glasses and toast to “a beautiful night”.

Blame it on the bubbly, but Billie couldn’t help thinking how romantic her new friend got after a couple glasses of champagne. Not that she minded. The alcohol plus the overall good vibes of tonight put her in quite the happy mood.

The mood lingered well after the excitement of the lights started to fade and there was nothing much else to do but to continue eating, drinking and enjoying each other's company. Billie did her best to keep her attention on her new friends. It helped that since they were out and about, she was once again at the misery of slower phone service so it wasn’t like she could update her social media with her good time while in the moment.

At least until the alcohol told her to kill some time on Tinder while they were still out.

After the picnic, Madeline led them away from the glistening Eiffel Tower to what could only be considered as Paris’ nightlife. It wasn’t until they were halfway through their first drinks at a club she highly recommended did Billie realize her new friend most likely left behind the picnic basket she brought earlier. Did she have the heart to bring it up? Not really. At least not while Madeline was distracted by the laughter and loud music. So after downing her drink, she offered to pay for the next round.

One more round and an unknown number of hours later, Billie led the way to the closest empty table. The only one to follow her off the dance floor was Maria. It was moments like these that Billie was grateful to have practically grown up with OLYMPUS. She couldn’t exactly hold her alcohol as much as, say, the director of the dance team, but she could at least say she wasn’t a lightweight. Maria, on the hand, looked very clearly red in the face even with the dim lighting of the club. While the other two friends continued to dominate the dance floor, Billie took it upon herself to pull Maria out of there before she got hurt.

It occurred to Billie as soon as she took a seat beside her friend that she probably should try to find water for her. But before she could even consider leaving, poor Maria drunkenly latched onto her arm. By now she was speaking completely in Spanish, but Billie’s limited knowledge of high school Spanish couldn’t prepare her to pick up even one word. That Spanish lisp was really making it more difficult.

In the end, she just let poor Maria talk as much as she wanted. For now, at least to keep her own intoxicated state in check, Billie pulled out her phone to keep herself occupied. Not exactly the ideal way to be at a club, but it was better than leaving her friend alone and drunk.

Of all her social media apps that she tried to load, it was only Tinder that barely worked. Then again how much data did the app need to load profile pictures?

Since that first night, Billie had only used Tinder in passing. Just like that first night, the idea of swiping and matching with someone paled in comparison to the summer program, the classes and just the overall excitement she felt being abroad. Maybe it had something to do with her lack of confidence in online dating all together. Sure, she had been on the dating app for a couple years now and, yes, she has been on a date or two after matching with someone, but the overall failure on her part to actually make something serious out of it left her not motivated to even try with Passport. She honestly just paid for the damn thing just to entertain her friends back at home who insisted she give it a try. Well, she was trying it, and for the most part, nothing was really persuading her to keep it.

That is until tonight. Maybe it was the alcohol flowing through her body and the bass from the music pounding at her chest, but Billie found herself more enthusiastic to see the possible candidates for love. Okay, definitely not love. But she couldn’t deny that she was definitely swiping right to more people than the couple other times she browsed on her before tonight. Of course, it should also be noted that while she may have been swiping right more often, she was also not exactly paying attention.

It wasn’t until the app suddenly matched her with another person did Billie pause to fully process what just happened. She blinked down at her phone a couple times, staring intently at the profile photo of the other person. First off, what a shitty picture. Who would post a picture with their face covered? And also, a mirror shot? If it weren’t for the fact that her phone would never be able to load this guy’s full profile in a decent amount of time, she probably would have done a bit more research on him. But…and maybe this was the alcohol talking…Billie was feeling a little nice tonight.

Before she selected the option to send a message to this Theo guy, Billie once more narrowed her eyes to try and get a better look at him past the obstructed mirror pose. There was something oddly familiar about this guy. She first realized this as she focused on his hair. There was a messiness to it that reminded her of someone, but she could not for the life of her remember who that person was. But it was starting to eat at her that she could possibly recognize him. How? She had no idea. It wasn’t like she met many guys since she’s been in Pa–

“Oh shit!” Billie dropped her phone onto the table. Her outburst caused Maria to jump and stop mid sentence. As Maria stared at her, confused and blinking oh so slowly, Billie opened and closed her mouth a couple more times as she tried to come up with the right words to follow up.

The best she could come up with was, “There’s no fucking wayyyy!” But liquid courage still urged her to pick up her phone again, press the option to send a message and carefully compose an introduction message. The last thing she wanted Theo, her maybe savior the other day, to see after matching with her is a string of letters drunkenly put together.

Tinder

so like this isn’t some kinda pickupline or whatever. but im mad curious about something…..are you the same guy from the other daythe one that helped me out when i gotlost?

​

It seemed like ages as she waited for a response. Would she even get some kind of response back? If this was the same guy, that meant that they were in the same timezone and so there was a chance he wasn’t even awake right now. But still, Billie caught herself constantly staring at her phone waiting, hoping even, for a response. Why? She had no idea. After all, what are the actual chances that this was actually happening? The reality of the situation was that she was probably mistaking this Theo guy for the cute guy from the other day. What were the chances that this Theo guy and her cute savior were actually the same person?

Then her phone lit up with a Tinder notification. But before she could unlock her phone to check the message, her other two friends finally returned from the dance floor insisting on another round before they return to the dance floor.

---

june 19, 2019 tab tab

night club tab tab

dance buddies

 

[JINFINITE]

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

theeadore tab Well, it was safe to say that Theo was lost. But the most frustrating thing about it was the fact that Theo never got lost. He had a great sense of direction and knew his way around Paris so well that he rarely ever needed to pull out Google Maps. Especially not if he was going somewhere he visited quite frequently: like the mall. He and Billie had agreed to meet here, it was a public place and all. Seemed like a good idea at the time. But now that he was here, Theo was beginning to wonder if it would have been easier to meet somewhere smaller, more intimate. Like maybe they should have just met up at that same cafe they had their first run in at. That would have been a cute reunion, right? Sitting at the outdoor table watching for Billie’s arrival. It would have been better than his current situation of scouring the entire mall in search of this girl.

He’d already checked the food court, the Starbucks—both locations— stores that he knew were also in America, the brands that were French or Europe specific, the electronics, the home goods, and now he was walking out of an appliance store….god knows why she would be in there but at this point he was desperate. It was beginning to feel like he had looked absolutely everywhere. The only place he hadn’t checked yet were the restrooms.

Theo hesitated outside the door to the women’s side. He glanced around him first to ensure no one was watching, but no one was even around to see. The mall looked deserted. Turning back to face the door he knocked twice before slowly opening the door and announcing his presence before stepping inside. The last thing he needed was another arrest record on file, he was just worried and trying to find his friend.

As the door swung open he was immediately hit with a flash of hot air from above. As though the motion tripped a sensor to set off the heater, but the temperature just continued to rise and rise with each passing moment, ”Billie?”

He pressed on further, allowing the door to shut behind him. But as he reached the row of stalls it appeared they were all open and empty; Billie wasn’t here. Sweat was rolling down the side of his face now, it felt like someone had removed the cap to a sauna temperature gauge….

Well Billie wasn’t in here, but before he moved on Theo wanted to splash some cold water on his face. He felt like he was melting, his shirt was sticking to his back now and he could feel beads of sweat trailing down his torso. His mouth was so dry when he swallowed—water…he needed water. Theo had closed the distance between him and the wall of sinks. For a moment he glanced through the mirror at the row of stall doors behind him, noting that they were all closed now. Or…had they actually been closed all along? He suddenly couldn’t quite recall.

The sinks were automated, so all Theo had to do was place his hand under the faucet and the water would turn on. But the second the water touched his hand it burned. The water was boiling hot and engulfed both his hands faster than he could process the pain and remove them.

When he returned to his senses he was staring up at the moonlit shadows across his bedroom ceiling. Theo’s chest heaved with effort, feeling like he couldn’t catch his breath.

What….just happened?

His eyes trailed down to his windows, watching as rain droplets raced down the glass. It was oddly relaxing—soothing after the heat of the nightmare he had just woken up from. But there was still a phantom pain in his hands. It was a weird sensation, as though he couldn’t really feel whether or not his hands were even there. He tried to make a fist, maybe he just needed to get his blood recirculating. But still he couldn’t feel them.

Theo’s eyes felt so heavy, he wanted to just close them and go back to sleep, but his compulsion was much too strong for that. He’d never forgive himself if he fell asleep and forgot his dream by the time morning came around. He needed to get up now and record all the details.

But his lack of feeling in his hands seemed to have spread throughout his body. He couldn’t feel anything…he couldn’t move. A fear set in, hammering away in his chest as his eyes danced around the room as though searching for help. The temperature in the room was rising just as it had in his dream. The mattress beneath him was burning, as though he was laying on a bed of hot coals. But outside the rain still pounded silently against his window.

Pounded.

Silently.

The oxymoron repeated in his head as he resumed staring at the rain, his spiked heart rate dropping dramatically as the realization set in, ”This isn’t real…”

When Theo next opened his eyes he was safely back in his room, his real room. There was no rain or extreme heat. Everything was back to normal, the inception level dream was over and he was free to rub his eyes with his hand as he kicked his blanket away, ”Fuck…”

It had been so long since he had had a dream that intense. Probably not since he was frequenting parties back at school in New York when all the drugs in his system combined with his depression and anxiety left his mind vulnerable to this type of chaos. And to think, he had been on the verge of asking his parents about returning to the states. Well this was a sign if he ever saw one—a sign that he still needed more time to rest and heal. But if anything that just made everything worse.

He wanted to go home so badly. He wanted to sleep in his own bed with his cat curled up against him and his headphones blasting chill beats into his very soul. A blunt tucked between his fingers and his mind free to drift without worry or responsibility.

Rolling over, Theo reached blindly at his side until he felt the cool metal of his Macbook which he then pulled over and opened, squinting at the light until he tapped the key that dimmed the brightness. He probably should have been writing down his dream…dreams…plural. But honestly he felt too weak from homesickness right now to do much of anything.

What was he honestly doing with himself? He had returned to Paris to get away from the drama he had gotten mixed up in. But it wasn’t like he was improving himself over here. Sure he wasn’t out drinking or anything. But he wasn’t doing anything. He felt like such a failure. It wasn't like his parents had ever pushed their own expectations on him. He was never forced to pursue politics or take over any family business. But surely they thought he would have done more with himself. That he had the potential to be better than this. His sister was in the early stages of starting her own business. While in comparison, here he was, forcibly removed from school and hiding from his scandals in another country. He had to be pretty far from being his parents' pride and joy. Surely they were massively disappointed in him, even though they had never explicitly expressed such feelings.

He hated feeling like this. He just wanted to go back home where even if things were pretty bad for him, at least he was meeting everyone's expectations—or lack thereof. Here in Paris he was supposed to be getting better, that’s what everyone expected of him, but wasn’t he just going to disappoint them in the end? At least in New York people expected him to fuck things up, it took the pressure off.

So no matter how small it was, Theo was desperate to reunite with home. He longed for the familiarity of tiny apartments in the city that never sleeps.

Once logged in he wasted no time in opening up the Facetime app and selecting the caller ID at the top of his recent calls list: his ex. It rang, and rang, and rang, he was about ready to give up when it finally connected and found himself face to face with a much brighter room and a worried expression, ”Hey…”

”…hey.”
”What’s up?”
He shrugged slightly, mumbling a response of “not much” before sitting up more so as to better see the screen, ”Theo…it’s like 2am there.”

He glanced to the corner of his screen, noting that it was indeed 2am. 2:13am to be precise, but he wasn’t in the mood to split hairs. The quick mental math assured him it was only 8pm back home, so not crazy late on her end for him to be calling. But it was still obvious that he should have been asleep, ”Where’s Gelato?”

He watched as she rolled her eyes with a sigh. Her body language was clear to read: she was annoyed and wondering why she even bothered trying to get him open up. That she should have known he wouldn’t come to her if he was having a difficult time, after all he never did when they were dating. So why would he now? But she got up all the same, carrying her iPad as she set off in search of his orange cat.

Gelato was asleep when he finally came into view on the screen, but that was fine. It wasn’t like he would have interacted with Theo had he been awake. It was enough to just see him for now, and imagine that he was really here on the bed beside him and not 3,627 miles away.

They stayed that way for well over an hour. Theo had no idea what his ex was up to during that time. After dropping off her iPad with Gelato she hadn’t returned once. But truthfully, Theo was too focused on his phone to care, more specifically he was too obsessed with his new friend for his old lover to enter his thoughts, even though they were technically on good terms.

Gelato’s presence had been calming enough to distract him from his dreams, after he had written them down of course. But ever since he had been reading over the messages that he and Billie had been exchanging during the days since they first matched on Tinder. The photos they had shared. And more importantly the plans they had made.

In fact he was supposed to be meeting Billie for lunch later so he should really be trying to sleep soon as it was already pushing 4am…but by now he was in such a state that sleep seemed impossible. He was too depressed with himself. Too anxious with how his life had fallen apart. But most of all too excited over his impending date.

Wait.

Was this a date? This was technically a date right? Neither of them had actually called it a date during their planning. But like, they were two young people meeting up offline after talking on a dating site, so wouldn't that be considered a date?? Maybe? Or were they just meeting up…grabbing lunch. After all a date implied a romantic approach and they were just two individuals that got along well and wanted to spend more time together…right?

Or maybe it was a date, who knows…regardless he was overthinking everything and plagued with a nervousness in the pit of his stomach. Nervousness that put him in an unsatisfied state.

He hadn’t really been able to fall back asleep. And his Facetime call disconnected when his ex’s iPad eventually died, leaving Theo alone with his thoughts from dawn till now as he got ready to leave to go meet Billie.

He was currently staring down his reflection in the mirror, looking from the oversized dark, tan, beigey abstract shirt he’d picked, down to the khaki colored cargos and the high top Converse covering his feet. Maybe it wasn’t a typical outfit of his, but they were still his own clothes so it wasn’t like it was anything he wouldn’t wear. Just that he was more commonly found in black on black, athletic joggers and hoodies; not printed button ups with matching Converse. But it was summer in Paris after all, the weather demanded he wear something other than black, and his date-not date anxiety was pressuring him to put a little more effort into it and to not settle with throwing on a band tee from the pile of laundry he hadn’t put away in days. Yes he would probably be more comfortable, mentally and emotionally speaking, in a cute sweater or a plain white t-shirt. But Theo just could not seem to get over this incessant need to dress up for meeting Billie for the first time.

Err…second time? Technically they had already met after all. Oh god…what had he worn then? That day felt like ages ago and he could not for the life of him remember whether he had been wearing appropriate street fashion or just a laze away at home outfit. He prayed it was streetwear so as to hopefully not look like he was trying too hard now.

Actually, why was he trying so hard now? Even if this did end up being a date, it wasn’t like anything long term could come from it. She was from LA, and he lived in New York. She had a ticket back home in (eight??) weeks while he had yet to book a return flight himself. Literally nothing substantial could come from this, but still he wanted to look good for her. First—second impressions were important!

But the longer he stared at his reflection in the full length mirror, the more he hated everything about what he was wearing. It just wasn’t him. And after the past few days of endless exchanges with Billie, he felt she deserved better. And not only that but he felt like she already knew him better than that. They had hit it off so easily that at times it honestly felt like they had known each other for years. So surely she would take one look at him and know that this wasn’t his true authentic self.

Although, what did she really know about him? He hadn’t shared his family’s importance—neither the wealth or political aspect. She wouldn’t be expecting him to show up dressed to the T in pristine white and lintless black. She had never seen him in custom tailored clothes, she only knew him from their one encounter and then whatever selfies he’d shared. So she only knew him at his most comfortable, meaning she would know if he put in too much effort. Besides, it wasn’t like they were going anywhere that required him to be fashion forward.

”Fuck it…” His eyes were still on the mirror, watching his fingers work as they now set to work undoing the buttons of his shirt one by one before tossing the garment to join the mess on his bed. Afterwards he tackled his shoes and the cargos, stripping down until it was just his slim frame in his black and silver Calvin Kleins before returning to his closet to start over.

Maybe that band tee was the way to go after all. He had actual fashion outfits, Theo was fully capable of putting himself together quite nicely when he wanted to. But the majority of the time he wore what his ex described as “homeless chic”, and he found it quite comfortable. Comfortable was the vibe it seemed he had settled on, and so by the time he next looked in the mirror he was back in black. A black crew neck tee with the short sleeves slightly rolled up his shoulders, a step up from the wrinkled band tee on the floor, black drop crotch Adidas, white socks and white sneakers. It was simple, but clean.

The final touch was when Theo tucked his head to his chest, ruffling his hair as it fell in his face before dramatically throwing back his head and letting his fluffy dark curls fly with it. Did he look a little crazy once his hair had settled? Yes. But at least he wasn’t getting stabbed in the eye anymore—should he just wear a hat instead? A frustrated sigh escaped him just before a notification from his phone pulled his attention away from himself and back to Billie.

She was on her way…she was on her way and he was still here fretting over his appearance—hat or no hat—he glanced back at the mirror for a last time before deciding against it and pocketing his phone, the rest of his personal items were tossed in a tiny designer crossbody bag. Theo was then rushing out of the house, shouting his goodbyes over his shoulder as he passed his mother and their housekeeper on his way out.

It wasn’t often that Theo was thankful he couldn’t drive—or wasn’t allowed to. But today was one of those rare days simply because he was just So. Damn. Tired. For sure he would be a safety hazard behind the wheel. But the beauty of being restricted to public transport…or Uber…was that he didn’t have to watch the road or pay attention to anything other than his DM thread with Billie as he sent an update.

Tinder

be there soon!
: )

​

When Theo reached their meeting spot he was quick to notice that he was alone. There was a tiny twinge deep inside that suddenly doubted whether she would even show up. But the second he caught sight of Billie approaching him it was like all his nerves and exhaustion just melted away. He felt safe and content, like he was reuniting with a long time friend and not a girl he had quite literally just met.

After brushing his hair from his face again, Theo’s hand flew up into the air to wave her over, just in case she didn’t see him waiting for her. There was a bright smile on his face, easily masking how tired he was from having been up all night, ”Hey!”

But their meeting spot was just that, a meeting spot. Somewhere easy for Billie to get to but close enough to the place Theo had made a reservation for lunch. They still had a short ways to walk though, and along the way was a secret gem of his that he was excited to share with his new friend, “So I know you’re like, here in Paris and I’m sure you want to have ‘the authentic French experience‘ and all,” He included air quotes. Having grown up with dual citizenship, there were goods and bads to both of his countries, and the magic had worn off for him long ago. Meaning there wasn't much that still captivated him the way it might a tourist. Leaving Theo a little…not quite jaded, but just a little indifferent, “But if you ever miss home…” He slowed down to a stop, Billie taking her cue from him and turning her head to see what he was pointing to: a propped open double door leading into a small resemblance of a convenience store, “It's a little pricey cause you know, import tax, but this place has everything.”

Upon stepping inside it quickly became clear just what exactly “everything” entailed. There was a section of the wall lined with different PopTart flavors. Baskets of various chips including original, hot, and exotic flavors. Self serve bins of sweets with your standards such as peach rings, gummy worms, bears, sharks and cherries, chocolate and yogurt covered snacks. Everything. Cheezits, Goldfish, Ritz Crackers, brand name cereals, and they hadn’t even passed by the cold cases yet!

But glancing away from the snacks and back to Billie, the thought crossed his mind that maybe he should have taken her to somewhere more French. Shown off some local secret or Instagram hot spot she might have come across. After all she had practically just arrived, unlike him who had been here for months already and lowkey was dying to go back home. This place was a bit of a secret comfort shop for him, so at the time he had been excited to share it with her, but now that they were here he was having second thoughts. Regrets of sorts. Overthinking. Just like his whole fiasco over picking out what to wear.

It wasn’t like he was trying to show off or impress her, it was fine this wasn’t some fancy stop for their not-a-date-date. He had brought her to somewhere that was important to him, that should be alright…right? Or was it selfish of him? Should he have asked where she wanted to go? Surely she had a list of places she wanted to visit while she was here. But at the same time, Theo wasn’t really interested in doing touristy things. Not today at least. But so his brain kicked into overdrive to think up another hidden gem to take her to—”Is there anywhere you wanna go later? I mean the mall isn’t too far from here…”

At his own mention of the mall, Theo’s mind was flooded with memories of his dream and a sudden feeling of dread welled up inside. He didn’t want to take her there, and a sudden flash of associated pain ran through his hand at the memory of burning it in the mall bathroom. His hand squeezed into a fist for a hot second before releasing and he lightly tried to shake the sensation away by flexing his fingers, pressing his arm to his side so as to keep his movements subtle and hopefully undetected.

”Actually…it might be a little crowded right now,” It was a little sickening how quick and easy it was for him to make up excuses on the spot. But at least this one was just a little white lie and not entirely false or unbelievable. He still felt bad about it all the same. Theo of six months ago wouldn’t have bat an eye over it, but Theo of earlier this week had found himself connecting so intensely with this complete stranger that even talking his way out of going to the mall left him feeling horrible. He didn’t want to be this fake persona he’d adopted back in school, not anymore, not with her.

By the time they were outside their destination for lunch, they still didn’t have any plans solidified for after. That was fine by Theo, he didn’t mind just wandering around or taking her sightseeing, ”Théo?”
Hearing his name being called pulled him away from his phone to find the source of the voice and making eye contact with the waiter when he did, ”Par ici s'il-vous-plait.”
He glanced back down to his phone, confirming that the photo he’d just added to his IG story had finished uploading before locking the device and looking across to Billie. He gestured in front of him, wordlessly expressing “after you”, and then in turn falling into step behind her as they followed the waiter inside. All the while he could feel his phone blowing up with notifications in his hand over his first posted activity on Instagram in weeks, a move he might later come to regret but in the moment he had been compelled to sneak a vague photo of his and Billie’s shoes as they stood outside together waiting, and now his phone was quite literally buzzing over it.

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june i dunno help me, 2019 tab tab

restaurant for lunch tab tab

billie

 

[feelsHASkilig]

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billieharris tab “So, like, do you have a crush on this guy or something? I’ve never seen you stress this much over an outfit for any of the other dates that you went on before…” Billie looked away from her reflection in the full length mirror to glare lightly at her phone screen. She was currently on FaceTime with one of her roommates from back home, having insisted on being part of the preparation for her date with Theo today.

Wait, was this really considered a date? By all definitions of the term, she should consider it one. After all, they matched on Tinder—showing mutual interest in one another—and have been talking nearly nonstop since she sent that first message. It was obvious that she and Theo hit it off. They had plenty in common and no topic of conversation was ever boring. She liked talking to him and he seems to reciprocate the feeling. So…does that mean their decision to meet offline and in person (again) meant that they had agreed to go on a date?

Yeah no, Billie was still not sure.

“No, I think a crop top is a little too much,” her friend offered over her shoulder. “Try the shirt dress again?”

Billie walked over to her bed where a white long sleeve dress shirt was laid out with a couple other clothing items. After grabbing it, she walked back over to where her phone was perched upright and then pressed the fabric against her front. She held her casual pose for a few more seconds while her look was being assessed.

“You know what, yeah, you’re right. That might work. It’s like cute, but it’s also casual enough to make it look like you weren’t just making a total effort.” She was bullied by another teasing grin.

“Ha ha.” Billie rolled her eyes as she went to work stripping out of her current outfit to change into the dress. She was definitely going to have to clear up her side of the dorm before she left. The last thing she wanted was to come back after a good day to her moody roommate muttering under her breath in French. She was even more motivated with the off chance that today might not go well. She didn’t want to do get into a fight with her roommate because of a bad date and a passive aggressive French girl.

And there she goes referring to today as a date again.

“So what are you two going to be doing today anyway?” her agreeable roommate back in California continued after deciding for Billie which lipstick she should wear—neither, she should go for a gloss.

Billie paused as she focused on her reflection to finish applying her makeup. She decided to keep in theme with the simplicity of her outfit and opted for a more natural look. After applying the selected lipgloss, she returned her attention back to her FaceTime companion. “Um, I mean we’re gonna go somewhere to eat after meeting up. Then after that? I think we kinda left it up in the air. We might decide what to do next after lunch.” She then explained their conversation from the day before. She and Theo spent the whole day discussing possible things they could do on their first (official) meeting. The list was a mixture of touristy activities Billie had on her list of things to do while in Paris and local spots that were Theo’s recommendations. With so many things to do, the two quickly became too overwhelmed to decide and instead agreed to come back to the planning after they met up.

After one more outfit check from her friend, Billie said her goodbyes then grabbed her purse to leave. She planned to meet up with Madeline and Maria at the front of the dorms so that they could walk with her to the general meeting area where she agreed to meet Theo. This was mostly so that Madeline could ensure that Billie didn’t get lost on the way before she and Maria went off and did their own thing. And also so that her friends could get a glimpse of the guy she had been talking to all week.

The area she and Theo agreed to meet was a short distance from the school, but it was still a manageable walking distance. Billie let him decide where they would meet today since he was the local and thus familiar with the area. Upon arriving at the meeting place, she appreciated that he chose somewhere that was open spaced, but still had a decent crowd. Even though they have messaged each other every day since they first matched, she appreciated his decision to still add a bit of caution considering they were technically meeting for the first time.

It took Billie a few extra seconds to find Theo. In fact, it was Madeline that pointed out someone waving in her direction for her to find him in the crowd. “Okay, I guess he is kind of cute. He really looks nothing like his profile picture.” Once Billie’s eyes finally fell on him, her own smile brightened to match his. It occurred to her at that very moment that Madeline was kind of right. His Tinder profile really did not do him any justice. He had a great smile. It was big, warm and very welcoming, even from her distance. She couldn’t help being drawn to it. So after a quick goodbye with her friends, she made her way over to where he was waiting for her. All the while focusing on that smile.

“Hi! I hope I didn’t make you wait too long,” she said, slightly breathless after having maneuvered around a small family that walked in front of her.

By the time they arrived at the restaurant, they still hadn’t decided what they were going to do after lunch. Billie wasn’t too worried about this. She was sure that once they got over their “first meeting” nerves they could work out other things to do while they were together. That, and, she was sure they also needed food in their systems to better fuel their decision making.

Once they were taken to their table and left with the menus, Billie briefly looked away from her menu to watch Theo. Although this was technically their second time meeting, she wasn’t going to deny that she had missed so many things about him during their first encounter. After all, at the time she hadn’t thought that she would ever see her savior ever again in a huge city like Paris. Also, she was certain her already panicked mind was too busy making sure she didn’t get lost again to focus on the little details of the man that helped her out. Now that he was sitting in front of her and her life wasn’t in distress, she let her eyes take him in.

One of the first things she noticed about Theo now that they weren’t actively moving around was his demeanor—to be more specific, the fact that he was definitely not a Californian. Yes, she knew already that when he wasn’t in France that he lived in New York. But it was one thing to tell her that he was a New Yorker and a whole other to show it. She, however, had never been to New York, but she has taken enough acting classes to pick up on a couple mannerisms. For instance, Theo was laidback when he sat, but it was in a way that came off as him choosing to be as opposed to just…being. It didn’t escape Billie’s observations though that he still sat closer to the edge of his—-

When he asked what she was interested in ordering, Billie immediately dipped her gaze back down to her menu as if she had been looking at it this entire time. She counted to two then looked back up, all the while praying that her acting efforts looked believable. Her eyes found his immediately.

“Uh…” She glanced back down at the menu. “I’m not really sure? What do you recommend?”

As soon as their server left after taking their orders, Theo went straight into conversation. However, he didn’t continue from their last topic which was mostly about what was around the area they were in. Instead, he apparently had a very pressing question he had been meaning to ask her since she first brought it up during one of their late night chats. He was curious why, when they were talking about work back in the states, she told him she was “friends with Tiana” at her job in Disneyland.

Billie smirked at this. She was very aware of the vagueness of her explanation whenever she mentioned that she was a cast member at the theme park. It was one thing to tell people who asked that she operated rides or worked at one of the restaurants or food stalls. But…to say that you are “friends with” a particular Disney character always scratched the heads of those that asked. And unfortunately for them, she very rarely elaborated.

But as she looked upon Theo’s curious expression while he leaned forward on his chair to listen to her pending response, she just…could not get herself to stay tight lipped.

However, that didn’t mean she couldn’t have a little fun over it.

“Oh, that is some insider information that I am not exactly at liberty to share with others,” she teased over her drink. His reaction to this was so exasperated she couldn’t help the giggle that escaped her. “Don’t give me that! What I said is exactly what I do at Disney. I am ‘friends’ with Tiana.”

“But what does that mean?!” He really was not going to let this go. Not that she expected him to.

After letting him list off potential meanings behind her job description, Billie couldn’t hold back any longer. The poor guy looked like he was about ready to burst with frustration—not any kind of serious frustration, of course—and she didn’t want to feel responsible for that anguish.

“Okay, okay, okay!” she relented with a laugh. “Do you really want to know?” Her smile brightened at his enthusiastic nod that made his curly hair bounce. “If I tell you this,” she leaned in close and dropped her voice, “it’s gotta remain a total secret. If you share this with anyone, I’m sorry but the Mouse is gonna have to get you.” She watched his exasperated expression appear on his face again. She knew that it finally hit him that this wasn’t as serious a secret as she was letting it out to be.

Well, it was still a secret, but it wasn’t going to be the end of the world if someone found out. Especially since she wasn’t actually working for Disney right now.

“But seriously though, this stays between us? Promise?” As a last minute decision, Billie lifted her hand up and extended her pinky finger to him. The whole time she watched as he registered this gesture, she couldn’t contain the smile that brightened more and more. Her efforts to drag this out was just so silly, but she was enjoying how much Theo was really into the mystery and wanting to know the “truth”. Besides, it didn’t look like he was upset by her behavior. Hell, it seemed like the more she made light of this, the more he seemed to play along.

So, once he hooked his pinky finger around hers, she leaned in closer and told him the information he so desperately wanted to know.

The topic of her work at Disney set the mood for the rest of lunch. Conversation was lighthearted, while at the same time felt as if they were accomplishing something in getting to know each other. Billie learned a lot about Theo. Or at least she learned about what he enjoyed doing in his spare time...which he currently had a lot of. According to him, he was in the middle of a break from school and moved to Paris for a few months to unwind. She could only imagine what his life back in New York had to be like to take off to a whole other country just to “unwind”. He did, of course, point out that he moved in with his mother and his sister, which lessened the intensity some. But only by a little bit.

Billie, in turn, shared more about her life back in Los Angeles. Now that he was in the know about her work at Disney, she didn’t hold back whenever he had more questions for her about it. It was charming how invested he was getting to know more about her job and her. She quickly observed that she could determine how interested he was in a topic by how closely he leaned toward her as she spoke. Not to say that he seemed to lack interest in any topic she discussed. But the whole time they were having lunch, he seemed to be close to the edge of his seat and would rarely be seen sitting back while they talked. He just seemed so…interested in whatever she had to say.

This interest continued as she talked more about her summer program. While they were chatting over texts last week, she mostly gave him the basic information about why she was taking a summer dance program in Paris. But now that they were talking in person, the delay to type up a whole message was gone and Theo took full advantage of it. And Billie was perfectly okay with this. After all, she wouldn’t have decided to leave her whole life for a summer for something that she wasn’t proud of.

From there she talked about her dancing back in Los Angeles. This was mostly about OLYMPUS and her time with the dance team. She told him about how the team marketed themselves to the public and even shared a couple of their performances she had saved on her phone. She, of course, had to point out to him that she was clueless about Greek mythology. Whatever she knew about it was however it was interpreted in the team.

Because she was having so much fun talking with Theo, Billie failed to notice how long they were actually sitting at their table until the server walked up to them with their bill. In fact, she hadn’t even realized that they finished both their lunch and dessert until Theo picked up the bill and skimmed it over. She couldn’t even remember the last time she sat with anyone at a restaurant and didn’t keep track of the time at least once.

They sat in silence for the first time since they took a seat after their server left with their paid bill. Now that they are essentially being kicked out, they both realized that they spent this entire meal not having decided what to do after. For the first time since they arrived, Billie looked at the time. It was now close to late afternoon, which meant that there was still technically enough time for them to do something else together with it getting late quickly.

“Well, are you feeling a little touristy in your own neighborhood?” she offered, but his immediate reaction was enough response for her. She understood all too well how it felt to NOT want to be a tourist in the place you live. So no touristy sites for today.

“Okay, here’s an idea,” she started once they were outside the restaurant. “So honestly, I’m really enjoying just talking to you. Since it’s a nice day out, what about just finding a cafe to sit at or grabbing something from a bakery and sitting at a park?” She stepped closer to Theo as a small group tried to walk around them. “I mean, totally up to you if you’re down. But, like, yeah. I’m okay not having to, like, explore the whole city with you today. We could do that another time. So we have the rest of the day to talk and get to know more about each other without having to type essays all day and wait for my dance class to finish.”

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june 28, 2019 tab tab

out and about tab tab

theo