Your support makes Blue Moon possible (Patreon)context: I am currently 22, I'm nonbinary and feminine presenting, and I larp (live action role play)
trying to be vague with all this but some things are too weird to explain without providing necessary details.
If you're judgemental or sensitive to age differences or anything else mentioned in the title, kindly don't read.
I'm making this journal because my friends either know the people involved, are disturbed by the age difference, or both. Either way, I need somewhere to write at length about my sins to get things off my chest, process, and perform self-congratulatory aftercare.
I've always been confused about my sexuality. I can fantasize about any gender, but many encounters have led me to be unsatisfied and wondering if I'm asexual altogether, despite my rampant sex drive (which drives me to join sites like this.) My best guess is that I'm demisexual, demiromantic if not aromantic, and open to any gender. A relatively recent exploration with a larp partner has led me to consider older men to fall under my storm battered umbrella of attraction.
Let's call him Jacob. He's mid forties, married, has a kid. we met when I started larping at 19 and hit it off. I will say he never came onto me. He's great with consent and boundaries, better than I am. We clicked because of our compatible role playing style (intense, emotional, criminal) and I can honestly say I'm not attracted to him except when he's playing his character. Jacob and I have hung out outside of game, and while I can call him a friend, there's nothing to write home about between us. Jacob's character, however... We'll call him Jay in a vain hope to make things less confusing. Jay is charismatic tinged with snarky in a crowd, but is brooding, probing, and introspective when you catch him alone. From the start he placed special attention on my character (we'll call my character Devil) and took him under his wing. Devil fervently admires Jay and wants to be just like him. It's a puppy bothering a patient hound dynamic.
As I continued to play Devil for a couple years, I kept running across other players who had crushes on him and insisted that he was a flirt. This is likely in part to my character's clinginess; he hangs off his friends like a monkey and gives me an excuse to come up with entertaining ways to platonically cuddle people. (Or, you know. I thought of it as platonic.) This kind of clinginess is comforting to me, your average touch starved youngster, and has led to people I've literally met in passing to admit they got a crush on me after seeing how I hang off my friends. I digress. Over the start of quarantine I became more comfortable with my sexuality and upon returning to in-person larp games said "fuck it" and leaned head first into the flirtatious nature of my character. And of course this extended to Jay: Devil's parental figure, mentor, bad influence, and god.
Important note about my larp: consent is crucial.
Also, nearly everyone is polyamorous.
I asked Jacob if my character could flirt with his and it went off from there. We discussed the scene at length. In essence we agreed to above-the-belt action, and I wasn't allowed to mark him. We discussed how I was attracted to his character, Jay, but not him, and he added that while he found me attractive, the age difference out of game was too much for him to be comfortable with. I grew heady, elated with the conversation of what we could and couldn't do with each other.
You won't judge me if I get turned on, right?
Only if you don't judge me.
I was allowed to grind on his leg. We discussed how much clothes would come off. It fueled my daydreams for weeks. It was my character coming onto his. Mine was the one to test the waters while he resisted, held back, and then snapped-
I knew I had to catch Jay at the perfect moment of emotional weakness for him to cave. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon.
my larp event runs all weekend- around 48 hours, including two full nights. We play in the woods, on girl scout sites or other places with cabins and forest.
We were out together, going over a lesson (again, larp crime.) Jay was finishing a cigarette, Devil was poking the bear. With Jay getting increasingly agitated and flustered from the flirting, Devil essentially shot him the "do it coward, you won't," and got grabbed by the throat. We started making out. Nipping each other, me half on his lap, hands in hair, Jay softly cursing himself and my character and shoving me off him and storming away and trying to calm down only for me to jeer at him to stop if he wants to and bring him to stomp back to me and slam me down on the bench with his hand on my throat- we were wrestling layer after cursed layer of my clothing off and he had pinned me against a column in the pavilion we were under, about to kiss me again and strip me out of my sports bra before we were walked in on.
We hadn't even heard the other two people approaching. Both were women and miraculously unphased by us as we jumped apart and with as much casual pretense we could muster shrugged our clothes back on.
Tragically, regrettably, it hasn't happened again since. We've been to other games and haven't had the chance to go off again. Plus, for the first time in years, Jacob's character met someone he was romantically interested in, leading him to resist even harder with Devil. And then, I got busy with life and stopped playing.
Problem?
I think I am attracted to Jacob now.
Not romantically, but sexually. And I never thought of him as handsome OUTSIDE of game before, but we were sitting at a diner after a game and I found myself just drowning in how pretty his eyes are, and wanting to reach across the table and touch him, and wishing it hadn't just been that one time.
(If you want a visual, he's always reminded me of Liam O'Brien.)
And it wouldn't be a problem except the loss of in game distinction vs. out of game distinction. What we did was possible because it was between our characters, not based on our emotions. It sounds ridiculous and like a thinly veiled excuse for our internal wants and desires, and maybe it is. But now I can't deny it anymore, and I feel desperate and predatory when I think of pursuing him at game.
Plus, there's the more dangerous want to see him out of game, see what will happen if...
Another important note. I never asked how his wife is about his apparently open relationship. He was firm in saying he won't have sex, so I found it safe to assume that she had some knowledge of this (I know I'm not the first and only person outside of the marriage, this is something he does in larp spaces as do many others.) I didn't want to ask about his wife out of fear that a) he would acknowledge he shouldn't be doing this with me and get scared off) and b) I would get the sense she wasn't aware/consenting and my own moral apprehension would scare me off. So... ignorance is bliss?
Word got around about us between our friend circle. I told some, he told some, and there's teasing and judgement about it. While the community is open minded, people are also very wary of potential predation and power imbalance. When I found out he had gotten drunk and told a friend what he and I did together, I found it hot. He's not the only guy I've fooled around with at game, and I kind of like making a bit of a reputation for myself as the easy whore even if it does get me into trouble (namely just guys sliding into my dms, befriending me with the hopes of flirting and more- harmless if you can read into their intentions, but annoying nonetheless.)
Do I continue on with our relationship like nothing has happened? Should I confess to him and see if he wants to stop the sexual aspect of our role play altogether?
Would love to hear people's thoughts and reactions into the whole thing, and if anyone else has similar experiences. I plan to use this space to update you with more romps, whenever they may happen.
Admittedly, this experience has gotten me even more interested in working as some kind of sugar baby. Yes, money, gifts, and clothes are great- but it would help if I was actually attracted to the guy, right?
and if I found it kind hot that they were married, right?
trying to be vague with all this but some things are too weird to explain without providing necessary details.
If you're judgemental or sensitive to age differences or anything else mentioned in the title, kindly don't read.
I'm making this journal because my friends either know the people involved, are disturbed by the age difference, or both. Either way, I need somewhere to write at length about my sins to get things off my chest, process, and perform self-congratulatory aftercare.
I've always been confused about my sexuality. I can fantasize about any gender, but many encounters have led me to be unsatisfied and wondering if I'm asexual altogether, despite my rampant sex drive (which drives me to join sites like this.) My best guess is that I'm demisexual, demiromantic if not aromantic, and open to any gender. A relatively recent exploration with a larp partner has led me to consider older men to fall under my storm battered umbrella of attraction.
Let's call him Jacob. He's mid forties, married, has a kid. we met when I started larping at 19 and hit it off. I will say he never came onto me. He's great with consent and boundaries, better than I am. We clicked because of our compatible role playing style (intense, emotional, criminal) and I can honestly say I'm not attracted to him except when he's playing his character. Jacob and I have hung out outside of game, and while I can call him a friend, there's nothing to write home about between us. Jacob's character, however... We'll call him Jay in a vain hope to make things less confusing. Jay is charismatic tinged with snarky in a crowd, but is brooding, probing, and introspective when you catch him alone. From the start he placed special attention on my character (we'll call my character Devil) and took him under his wing. Devil fervently admires Jay and wants to be just like him. It's a puppy bothering a patient hound dynamic.
As I continued to play Devil for a couple years, I kept running across other players who had crushes on him and insisted that he was a flirt. This is likely in part to my character's clinginess; he hangs off his friends like a monkey and gives me an excuse to come up with entertaining ways to platonically cuddle people. (Or, you know. I thought of it as platonic.) This kind of clinginess is comforting to me, your average touch starved youngster, and has led to people I've literally met in passing to admit they got a crush on me after seeing how I hang off my friends. I digress. Over the start of quarantine I became more comfortable with my sexuality and upon returning to in-person larp games said "fuck it" and leaned head first into the flirtatious nature of my character. And of course this extended to Jay: Devil's parental figure, mentor, bad influence, and god.
Important note about my larp: consent is crucial.
Also, nearly everyone is polyamorous.
I asked Jacob if my character could flirt with his and it went off from there. We discussed the scene at length. In essence we agreed to above-the-belt action, and I wasn't allowed to mark him. We discussed how I was attracted to his character, Jay, but not him, and he added that while he found me attractive, the age difference out of game was too much for him to be comfortable with. I grew heady, elated with the conversation of what we could and couldn't do with each other.
You won't judge me if I get turned on, right?
Only if you don't judge me.
I was allowed to grind on his leg. We discussed how much clothes would come off. It fueled my daydreams for weeks. It was my character coming onto his. Mine was the one to test the waters while he resisted, held back, and then snapped-
I knew I had to catch Jay at the perfect moment of emotional weakness for him to cave. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon.
my larp event runs all weekend- around 48 hours, including two full nights. We play in the woods, on girl scout sites or other places with cabins and forest.
We were out together, going over a lesson (again, larp crime.) Jay was finishing a cigarette, Devil was poking the bear. With Jay getting increasingly agitated and flustered from the flirting, Devil essentially shot him the "do it coward, you won't," and got grabbed by the throat. We started making out. Nipping each other, me half on his lap, hands in hair, Jay softly cursing himself and my character and shoving me off him and storming away and trying to calm down only for me to jeer at him to stop if he wants to and bring him to stomp back to me and slam me down on the bench with his hand on my throat- we were wrestling layer after cursed layer of my clothing off and he had pinned me against a column in the pavilion we were under, about to kiss me again and strip me out of my sports bra before we were walked in on.
We hadn't even heard the other two people approaching. Both were women and miraculously unphased by us as we jumped apart and with as much casual pretense we could muster shrugged our clothes back on.
Tragically, regrettably, it hasn't happened again since. We've been to other games and haven't had the chance to go off again. Plus, for the first time in years, Jacob's character met someone he was romantically interested in, leading him to resist even harder with Devil. And then, I got busy with life and stopped playing.
Problem?
I think I am attracted to Jacob now.
Not romantically, but sexually. And I never thought of him as handsome OUTSIDE of game before, but we were sitting at a diner after a game and I found myself just drowning in how pretty his eyes are, and wanting to reach across the table and touch him, and wishing it hadn't just been that one time.
(If you want a visual, he's always reminded me of Liam O'Brien.)
And it wouldn't be a problem except the loss of in game distinction vs. out of game distinction. What we did was possible because it was between our characters, not based on our emotions. It sounds ridiculous and like a thinly veiled excuse for our internal wants and desires, and maybe it is. But now I can't deny it anymore, and I feel desperate and predatory when I think of pursuing him at game.
Plus, there's the more dangerous want to see him out of game, see what will happen if...
Another important note. I never asked how his wife is about his apparently open relationship. He was firm in saying he won't have sex, so I found it safe to assume that she had some knowledge of this (I know I'm not the first and only person outside of the marriage, this is something he does in larp spaces as do many others.) I didn't want to ask about his wife out of fear that a) he would acknowledge he shouldn't be doing this with me and get scared off) and b) I would get the sense she wasn't aware/consenting and my own moral apprehension would scare me off. So... ignorance is bliss?
Word got around about us between our friend circle. I told some, he told some, and there's teasing and judgement about it. While the community is open minded, people are also very wary of potential predation and power imbalance. When I found out he had gotten drunk and told a friend what he and I did together, I found it hot. He's not the only guy I've fooled around with at game, and I kind of like making a bit of a reputation for myself as the easy whore even if it does get me into trouble (namely just guys sliding into my dms, befriending me with the hopes of flirting and more- harmless if you can read into their intentions, but annoying nonetheless.)
Do I continue on with our relationship like nothing has happened? Should I confess to him and see if he wants to stop the sexual aspect of our role play altogether?
Would love to hear people's thoughts and reactions into the whole thing, and if anyone else has similar experiences. I plan to use this space to update you with more romps, whenever they may happen.
Admittedly, this experience has gotten me even more interested in working as some kind of sugar baby. Yes, money, gifts, and clothes are great- but it would help if I was actually attracted to the guy, right?
and if I found it kind hot that they were married, right?