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- Joined
- Jan 24, 2019
This is my first journal entry here on this site, so please be gentle with me please.
My name is Tigs and I'm a 31 year old male. Most people who don't know would consider me average in most everything I do. But the thing with me is, my biggest fear is being alone. I know I have friends, I know I ave family, but I've been alone so long that I feel like I don't deserve anyone. I've done some fucked up things in my past that I'm not proud of. I've cheated on my partners in the past, but never once did I do it physically. Normally it was just emotionally. I never once stopped loving my partners, but once I felt that spark die, instead of leaving my partner, I just sought out that attention I wasn't getting elsewhere. I know that's wrong, but at that point in my life, I'd seek the attention from anywhere I could get it. I haven't cheated on a partner in about 10 years, and to this day I'm proud to say I've at least learned my lessons even after everything it has cost me.
But let me tell you about my current situation.
I met a woman. Her name will be Luna for this journal. We clicked on so many levels, more than I had with any other woman in my past and honestly, it scares me. Like Luna is into the same fucked up things that I love, and she is probably the perfect woman to me and the weird thing is ... I've yet to see a picture of her or hear her voice. We've only messaged over discord. I understand why. She wanted to get to know me and I respect that choice. I'm not rushing her or pushing her into anything she does not want.
But the other day, I told her something that upset her and hurt her feelings and we went almost a full day without talking and it made my anxiety go sky high. I felt lost and alone. I know she was still there since she did mesage me, but she told me that she was still hurt by what I said. What I told her wasn't anything bad towards her, just that people I worked with had asked about her. I told them we were still just talking and it's the truth.
But I swear that if she asked me to pack my shit and go to her, I would in a heartbeat. Not only would it let me be with her, it would get me out of the current place I reside. I just ... I feel lost knowing I hurt someone I care about. No, I do not love her, at least not yet. I'm one of those people that most would consider an empath. My emotions are stronger than most would think. I feel things based on those around me and my mood tends to reflect it about twice as bad and sometimes, it even goes further than that.
I'm not seeking advice here, I'm just trying to vent my frustrations. My anxiety is eating me alive hoping I haven't fucked things up to the point I lose her completely. I honestly just feel like a fool with dreams right now ...
My name is Tigs and I'm a 31 year old male. Most people who don't know would consider me average in most everything I do. But the thing with me is, my biggest fear is being alone. I know I have friends, I know I ave family, but I've been alone so long that I feel like I don't deserve anyone. I've done some fucked up things in my past that I'm not proud of. I've cheated on my partners in the past, but never once did I do it physically. Normally it was just emotionally. I never once stopped loving my partners, but once I felt that spark die, instead of leaving my partner, I just sought out that attention I wasn't getting elsewhere. I know that's wrong, but at that point in my life, I'd seek the attention from anywhere I could get it. I haven't cheated on a partner in about 10 years, and to this day I'm proud to say I've at least learned my lessons even after everything it has cost me.
But let me tell you about my current situation.
I met a woman. Her name will be Luna for this journal. We clicked on so many levels, more than I had with any other woman in my past and honestly, it scares me. Like Luna is into the same fucked up things that I love, and she is probably the perfect woman to me and the weird thing is ... I've yet to see a picture of her or hear her voice. We've only messaged over discord. I understand why. She wanted to get to know me and I respect that choice. I'm not rushing her or pushing her into anything she does not want.
But the other day, I told her something that upset her and hurt her feelings and we went almost a full day without talking and it made my anxiety go sky high. I felt lost and alone. I know she was still there since she did mesage me, but she told me that she was still hurt by what I said. What I told her wasn't anything bad towards her, just that people I worked with had asked about her. I told them we were still just talking and it's the truth.
But I swear that if she asked me to pack my shit and go to her, I would in a heartbeat. Not only would it let me be with her, it would get me out of the current place I reside. I just ... I feel lost knowing I hurt someone I care about. No, I do not love her, at least not yet. I'm one of those people that most would consider an empath. My emotions are stronger than most would think. I feel things based on those around me and my mood tends to reflect it about twice as bad and sometimes, it even goes further than that.
I'm not seeking advice here, I'm just trying to vent my frustrations. My anxiety is eating me alive hoping I haven't fucked things up to the point I lose her completely. I honestly just feel like a fool with dreams right now ...