The Fear of Drama

[WanderingBlackDragon]

So, after being ghosted again for possibly the umpteenth time since joining this site, I decided to muse over some things.

One explanation for ghosting is the fact that the ghost has suddenly gotten busy, and hasn't had the time to be on here. But, in my experience, I've been ghosted by people who still come to the site. On the other hand, I've been wondering if it's a case of people simply being too afraid to just tell their partner they need to drop out.

Now, considering my experience (though, I hesitate to call it that) in such communities, I've noticed a lot of people get very defensive about things and there seems to be a culture of avoiding drama. You have to be super nice and agreeable with someone. You can critique anything, no matter how much it bothers you. Because, if you say anything the other person doesn't want to hear; they'll explode on you for doing so.

I've seen similar things in IMVU, with people taking even the most polite and constructive criticism as a personal insult. I've had to deal with someone accuse me of "not caring about them", because I suggested they put some more thought into their CanonxOC ships beyond "I really want to bang this character". I've also encountered a good number of people complain about being tired of reaching out to people to RP, only to get disappointment; women tired of dealing with creeps and coomers, men tired of jumping through hoops and looking for hidden passwords just to say hi.

And it goes on.

It kind of reminds me of all the OC hate canon players/fanfiction writers give, which I believe is born of fear of Mary-Sue and the drama that comes from that. And I think that's the problem with a good number of rping sites or creative platforms at this point; Everyone's so burnt out/gun shy of drama, that they don't seem motivated to do much of anything these days. They've grown to fear the temper tantrum of someone not getting their way, that they just give up trying to communicate if the slightest thing goes wrong.

What do you guys think?

 

[TheAuthorFormerlyKnownAs]

On the other hand, I've been wondering if it's a case of people simply being too afraid to just tell their partner they need to drop out.

That's part of it. Indifference is also a factor. For a lot of folks online other people are just interactive objects. Add the illusion of infinite choice that exists in an RPing context, and you have the perfect recipe for people to treat each other as disposable objects.

 

[obieblu]

That's part of it. Indifference is also a factor. For a lot of folks online other people are just interactive objects. Add the illusion of infinite choice that exists in an RPing context, and you have the perfect recipe for people to treat each other as disposable objects.

Basically, it's a mix of this and fear/anxiety. Our social conventions haven't evolved to deal deeply with the online experience. 'We' do things to strangers online that we'd never do to real people in person. An unattractive stranger politely approaches you at a party? Most people wouldn't outright ignore them. But that's a pretty frequent thing in replying to RTs on these forums. My mother taught etiquette, and I try to do a decent job of translating social decency to people online. I'm not perfect, but I do recognize that the 'things' putting letters somewhere for me to read are actual human beings with feelings and stuff.

As to the fear of disappointing or upsetting someone, this is only something I've relatively recently started to experience. I've grown an anxiety disorder over the past couple years, and I've felt that cold sweat, racing heart, and panicking dread over sending someone a PM that I think they won't want to read. Still, I take the 10 seconds to inform them that I'm ending along with an apology. Even if I can't handle the risk of seeing an angry reply, I still do it and just don't read the replies or even Ignore them so I won't even see that they replied if I'm having a particularly bad day with the anxiety. In the end, I didn't ghost.

 

[Alien]

I think trying to avoid drama/confrontation is a huge part of it. Not wanting your partner to get angry at you or whatever as if it really matters given your strangers and anonymous.

I also agree that online relationships/friendships are considered disposable and people forget that their RP partner is an actual human being as well.

Ghosting or being told the RP has been dropped though it doesn't make much difference, it's still over. I recently had a partner tell me they didn't want to play anymore, given they hadn't responded for 2 weeks prior to that I wasn't surprised at all that they were leaving the RP.

 

[TheAuthorFormerlyKnownAs]

Ghosting or being told the RP has been dropped though it doesn't make much difference, it's still over.

I agree, but not being able to trust people to opt out does mean the only way to know if someone wants to write with you is if they're actively opting in. The only thing I dislike is when people can't be bothered with this either. This is why I no longer care about ghosting people. I mean I'm not even ghosting them I'm just not handholding them through a baby-steps process of starting an RP and writing it, and will move on if they can't maintain a reasonable level of engagement. If someone PMs me about whether or not the game is still going I'd tell them the truth.

 

[Alien]

I agree, but not being able to trust people to opt out does mean the only way to know if someone wants to write with you is if they're actively opting in. The only thing I dislike is when people can't be bothered with this either. This is why I no longer care about ghosting people. I mean I'm not even ghosting them I'm just not handholding them through a baby-steps process of starting an RP and writing it, and will move on if they can't maintain a reasonable level of engagement. If someone PMs me about whether or not the game is still going I'd tell them the truth.

I think the shame of it is that if you are actually getting along creatively but that one idea you are playing isn't working out than the one ghosting loses out on a partner for other projects.

I had a long term partner where we would play lots of stories out and some just didn't work so we would drop those and start something else. If we ghosted each other than that would be the end of all possibilities.

I think "ghosting" during the discussion phase is a little different though. I also hate having to come up with all of the ideas or having to drag information out of them/manage the whole thing myself. Some might see me as quite difficult in that respect but all of this adds up to time and if the person can't express what they are wanting and how they envision it all going than I see little hope for a successful RP.

 

[Deleted member 42282]

I've been roleplaying for quite some time now, on different platforms, with multiple partners. And ghosting has always been an issue. In the beginning it really hurt my feelings, when they suddenly stopped replying, especially when I noticed that they continued other roleplays. I used to reach out to them, asking why, but whether they answered or not didn't really make me feel any better. In fact, sometimes it was even worse when they explained why they didn't enjoy it anymore. It made me question my own roleplaying "skills" and made me wonder if I was doing something wrong, etc etc.

And then I remember someone asking me why I even bothered to waste my time and energy on them, when there were so many potential partners out there, perhaps even better ones, who would love to roleplay with me.

After that, I stopped reaching out to the people ghosting me. Yes, it still sucked, but I refused to waste my time and energy on it. At that point it still got to me, but not as much as it used to.

Now, I don't really give a fuck. Their loss. If they don't want to roleplay with me, fine by me. I can find someone else to roleplay with.

But I will admit that it is still extremely frustrating, especially if it happens during the plotting phase or very early in the roleplay. Because, I only start roleplays that I am 100% invested in, so very often I am enjoying the roleplay. That being said, I always make sure that my partners enjoy it too. Which often makes me wonder what I did wrong when they suddenly drop out. But I never bother them about it. I just leave them and the roleplay be. I move on.

I hate drama. I hate conflict. As many others do. But I believe all that can be avoided if we just communicate properly. And that is what I always try to do with my partners, from start to finish. Misunderstandings happen, but then we need to address it right away and talk it out. When I know my partner is understanding, I have no problem telling them that I am not feeling the roleplay anymore. Just like I will understand if they tell me that they aren't feeling it, should that be the case.

What I am trying to say is that you don't need to ghost your partner, if you trust and respect them.

I think many are afraid to disappoint their partners, but fail to understand that ghosting them is a lot worse than just being honest ♡

Roleplaying is just a hobby for the majority of us and we shouldn't be punished for losing our muse every once in a while.

 

[Staine]

Quite honestly, it just happens, and a big reason for it might very well be that they fear the reaction of the other person. I won't name any names, but I know of it happening where one would try to end the roleplay politely only to be met with rudeness or worse, and it can and has extended to being put on blast publicly just for wanting to end a roleplay that wasn't enjoyable to them.

After such a thing happening, and if it's happened to one it's likely happened to others considering how many people enjoy this hobby of ours, then can somebody really be blamed for not wanting to go through that again? There are many reasons one might ghost, and I'm not saying all of them are good reasons but since we don't know why people do what they do unless they tell us, I try my very best not to judge and to just let it go. As Cayleee says, there are others to write with who will want to write with you in turn, and in the end I just wouldn't want somebody to continue writing with me if they aren't enjoying it. That's a terrible thing to put on somebody and would make me feel dreadful when I realised.

In short, it does suck, but I don't even think it makes somebody a bad person. Just human.

 

[Deleted member 42282]

Quite honestly, it just happens, and a big reason for it might very well be that they fear the reaction of the other person. I won't name any names, but I know of it happening where one would try to end the roleplay politely only to be met with rudeness or worse, and it can and has extended to being put on blast publicly just for wanting to end a roleplay that wasn't enjoyable to them.

After such a thing happening, and if it's happened to one it's likely happened to others considering how many people enjoy this hobby of ours, then can somebody really be blamed for not wanting to go through that again? There are many reasons one might ghost, and I'm not saying all of them are good reasons but since we don't know why people do what they do unless they tell us, I try my very best not to judge and to just let it go. As Cayleee says, there are others to write with who will want to write with you in turn, and in the end I just wouldn't want somebody to continue writing with me if they aren't enjoying it. That's a terrible thing to put on somebody and would make me feel dreadful when I realised.

In short, it does suck, but I don't even think it makes somebody a bad person. Just human.

I couldn't agree more!

It makes me sad that people are afraid to tell the truth because there are people out there who take it way too personal. I guess I'm a little naive when I believe that people are as understanding as myself, when I know for a fact that it isn't true at all.... But I wish it was!

I never judge anyone for ghosting me or anyone else though. I would never demand an explanation from a partner regarding anything. Do you reply later than usual? Need a break? Have to drop our roleplay? Don't like where it's headed? It's okay, no need to explain further. And I also give my partners a heads up that they might not receive an explanation from me either, should anything happen, although I tend to give them one anyway. I overshare by default.

I am ghost-friendly. I respect ghosters and whatever reasons they may have to ghost someone, but I would never ghost anyone, not on purpose at least. That's just who I am as a person. But, if I had gotten a bad reaction in return, it would certainly wake some feelings in me. I hope I'll never experience that. I hope all my future partners will be just as great as my current ones!

To sum it up, it's frustrating when partners ghost you, but you have to respect their decision and move on ♡

 

[Staine]

Exactly!

I had a partner end/put on hold one of my roleplays recently and you could tell that it was hard to say to somebody, because until you do it you can never know how somebody will react. They could be cool almost all the time but when you have to stop the roleplay, they are losing something, and that's when people tend to react. That person was a wonderful partner, and if I'd reacted badly what good would it have done? Would have hurt her, and kill any friendship or chance of future writing.

It's unfortunate that it does indeed happen but it is what it is and we move on!

 

[Lady Irony]

I hate drama. I hate conflict. As many others do. But I believe all that can be avoided if we just communicate properly. And that is what I always try to do with my partners, from start to finish. Misunderstandings happen, but then we need to address it right away and talk it out. When I know my partner is understanding, I have no problem telling them that I am not feeling the roleplay anymore. Just like I will understand if they tell me that they aren't feeling it, should that be the case.

For those of us who have been bullied and abused by Admins and Staff as well as members on sites like this it doesn't make a difference if you "communicate properly". I had a RP partner start arguing and attacking me OOC in a RP thread and next thing you know they had their buddy Moderator delete all her posts and the Mod was giving me warnings?! Next thing you know, I was banned for some reason.

Also seen people get banned for expressing political views in political debate threads just because their views don't correlate with the Admin and staff.

Also seen an ex moderator get away with trolling and various abuse because they were an ex Mod.

So thanks, but no thanks. Not worth trying to communicate properly.

 

[TheAuthorFormerlyKnownAs]

I sympathise with people who have gotten the third degree from others over ending games, but BMR has tools and staff to deal with rude or possessive individuals and ghosting in any situation where you're afraid of conflict is a really unproductive way to approach the issue which has community-wide ramifications. I know it will happen regardless, and there's nothing I can do about it, but if that's your approach then you're probably not up-front or communicative enough for us to get along, but more importantly if I don't give you the impression you can expect civility I honestly don't know why you'd approach me in the first place.

It just makes no sense to me. I mean you're tacitly signalling that you don't trust me, and think I may well be an awful person. I don't know why anyone would write with someone they felt that way about and I'd prefer to avoid people who have such a low opinion of me.

 

[Lazarae]

All of my ghostings back in the day were largely unintentional, but there were usually one of two main reasons:

The first is the Guilt Spiral. I'd have a bad brain time and be unable to work up the energy to do much of anything, even simple chatting. I would feel guilty because I wasn't properly communicating with my partners, which would make my mental health worse, which would make me more avoidant, which would lead me to feeling guilty, which made me feel worse and so on. It got so bad that I couldn't even load some sites without having an anxiety attack, especially ones where blocking and often publicly shaming someone for ghosting you was standard practice so I couldn't even come back once I'd gotten my shit together and go "hey, I was dealing with some shit, sorry about that." It's why I try to be very upfront about my mental health issues, because even though I haven't had a bad one in a while there's still the risk that I'll have a low that leaves me unable to do much more than lay in bed.

The second has been because of a certain kind of partner that bordered on stalkery. I swear these types would camp on their friends list page and message me every time they saw me online, or saw that I had posted literally anywhere. I could check the site a couple times on my phone on a very busy day and end up with 5-10 messages. This often had nothing to do with any ghosting-adjacent behavior on my part; it could be right after receiving a post from them. If I wander off for two minutes and come back it was to another message, usually just "hi" "hello" "are you ignoring me?" I started to have stress responses to seeing certain names in my inbox, or seeing certain people online, and there were only so many times I could say "no, I'm not ignoring you, just like I wasn't ignoring you five minutes ago, or the time before that. I got up to make dinner." Sometimes I'd get these messages while working on my post for them because I am a horrible ADHD gremlin who navigated away for a few minutes. I would get stressed out seeing the person, not want to talk to them, get more messages because I didn't respond to every individual check in, get even more stressed out, probably become physically ill at some point, and eventually stop showing up on the site at all for a couple of months, ghosting both the offender and everyone else I was playing with at the time. Sometimes setting my status to hidden didn't even help because they'd see me make a one-sentence shitpost in general chat and pounce.

Some very personal reasoning and thoughts

I was brought up in an emotionally abusive household where conflict absolutely was not allowed. You do not publicly disagree with anyone. You do not openly ask someone to stop a harmful behavior. You absolutely do not bring up any kind of harmful behavior that happened more than five minutes ago. You do not express any kind of negative emotion, because if you're angry you're the bad guy and if you're upset you're manipulative and a different kind of bad guy. I'm three years out and still in the process of unlearning a lot behaviors that kept me safe while I was there but are harmful now that I'm out. One of them is the freeze response, a combination of making myself small and unobtrusive so I'm not a target and flat ignoring whatever's making me uncomfortable, refusing to engage in any way. Because if I did engage then I was the person at fault for making a fight of it instead of being 'the bigger person', read as being a passive target until whoever was hurting me got bored and went away or took it far enough to be obviously at fault. So I am, quite frankly, lacking in a lot of problem solving skills that involve actually talking to people, because trying to work things out has historically not gone well for me. I'm not afraid of some nebulous concept of 'drama', I'm afraid of someone coming down on me like the fist of an angry god for not abiding the "no conflict, no bad feelings allowed" rule, which I'm perfectly aware doesn't exist outside of my family but 25 years has ingrained pretty solidly. I've spent two hours getting a dressing down of biblical proportions because I asked a question about dinner that maybe possibly might be interpreted as snarky; it takes a great deal of courage for me to be able to put myself in any kind of position where I can be seen as confrontational, or rude, or in any way not perfectly compliant. I also don't naturally see authority figures like mods and admins as someone I can safely go to for these kinds of things, because it was often the authority figures in my life who were causing the harm.

 

[TheAuthorFormerlyKnownAs]

I'm really sorry to hear about your experiences Lazarae. I won't go into detail about stuff like that on forums like this but I do empathise.

I couldn't even load some sites without having an anxiety attack, especially ones where blocking and often publicly shaming someone for ghosting you was standard practice

The idea of communal shaming for anything is repulsive. I may not like ghosting and will distance myself from people who do it but it's a question of values and preferences. Nobody deserves to be raked over the coals for it.

The second has been because of a certain kind of partner that bordered on stalkery.

This sort of profile-creeping and constant poking is why my best friend doesn't come on BMR or E anymore. Even strangers do it and there seem to be no small number of people who creep the 'Members Online,' panel and fling PMs at any seemingly available non-male member online. That's skeevy enough in and of itself but this stuff seems to correlate strongly with cold-calling, obsessive poking and meat market-y behaviour, and it may supposedly be against the rules but I see plenty of the latter myself.

It makes me sad but there is nothing I can do about it.

I'm afraid of someone coming down on me like the fist of an angry god for not abiding the "no conflict, no bad feelings allowed" rule, which I'm perfectly aware doesn't exist outside of my family​

Oh sad to say this rule exists to some degree almost everywhere. People are just more subtle in their enforcement of it.

 

[Lady Irony]

The second has been because of a certain kind of partner that bordered on stalkery. I swear these types would camp on their friends list page and message me every time they saw me online, or saw that I had posted literally anywhere. I could check the site a couple times on my phone on a very busy day and end up with 5-10 messages. This often had nothing to do with any ghosting-adjacent behavior on my part; it could be right after receiving a post from them. If I wander off for two minutes and come back it was to another message, usually just "hi" "hello" "are you ignoring me?" I started to have stress responses to seeing certain names in my inbox, or seeing certain people online, and there were only so many times I could say "no, I'm not ignoring you, just like I wasn't ignoring you five minutes ago, or the time before that. I got up to make dinner." Sometimes I'd get these messages while working on my post for them because I am a horrible ADHD gremlin who navigated away for a few minutes. I would get stressed out seeing the person, not want to talk to them, get more messages because I didn't respond to every individual check in, get even more stressed out, probably become physically ill at some point, and eventually stop showing up on the site at all for a couple of months, ghosting both the offender and everyone else I was playing with at the time. Sometimes setting my status to hidden didn't even help because they'd see me make a one-sentence shitpost in general chat and pounce.

I've experienced that as well. If a few days have passed by and I haven't responded then they start "Is everything ok?" well, yeah, kind of at least in RP world. Then they message again, "Lost interest?" well, I am now, you're annoying me. Then they started with messages on my profile. It lasted about 6 months before it stopped being funny and I blocked them.

Sure, I could have just answered them the first or second message but I can be passive aggressive and I became curious about how long they were going to continue this. I've also had a partner bump the RP thread when they wanted me to respond. I explained to them that I get the alerts when they post they don't need to bump but they did it anyway.

I can also relate to your personal reasoning. I was also brought up in an abusive household and bullied at school. The thought of telling someone "Stop, I don't like how you are behaving" just doesn't compute with me because it just never mattered or worked. In fact it only served to provide more abuse.

You keep your head down. Of course now as an adult, I can be rather passive aggressive or if pushed I have no issue telling someone to get fucked. But I definitely relate to how that kind of upbringing only serves to make you very quiet and non expressive. And my experiences of reaching out to people for support either in real life or to Admin/Mods on sites like this are not positive at all.

 

[Staine]

I sympathise with people who have gotten the third degree from others over ending games, but BMR has tools and staff to deal with rude or possessive individuals and ghosting in any situation where you're afraid of conflict is a really unproductive way to approach the issue which has community-wide ramifications. I know it will happen regardless, and there's nothing I can do about it, but if that's your approach then you're probably not up-front or communicative enough for us to get along, but more importantly if I don't give you the impression you can expect civility I honestly don't know why you'd approach me in the first place.

It just makes no sense to me. I mean you're tacitly signalling that you don't trust me, and think I may well be an awful person. I don't know why anyone would write with someone they felt that way about and I'd prefer to avoid people who have such a low opinion of me.

There's a good deal I just don't agree with here but I don't like to do the individual quote thing so I'll just handle it all at once.

Firstly, that it gets dealt with is in no way helpful for those that have strong anxiety about such confrontation in the first place. It's great that staff here does indeed take care of this thing but from the point of view of the one who had to go through it, the damage was done. The bad experience they didn't want? It happened. I'm sure it's some comfort to know it's dealt with and there is punishment, but by that point it's too late to stop what they can avoid by simply not messaging.

Second, the sad fact is that a person might be civil and respectful, until they aren't. People like to show their best selves, not all wear their heart on their sleeves like I do believe you do, I like directness personally, it's very refreshing sometimes but in the instance of the incidents I know of personally the backlash was from an individual that was rather polite, until it ended. That was what sparked it. You can't predict that all the time, sometimes you can tell if somebody just isn't the kind of person you might like or get along with, or always understanding, and sometimes it comes out of nowhere.

I guess the best way to say it is that you just can't know why somebody would ghost, or who would snap should you want to leave an RP, because people are people. Some are fantastic, some are awful and most are a mix of the two. By the way this isn't me trying to reason it either, yes I have ghosted in the past but I do my utmost to not do that, and I'm fine with confrontation personally, but I know people that are not.

 

[Staine]

The idea of communal shaming for anything is repulsive. I may not like ghosting and will distance myself from people who do it but it's a question of values and preferences. Nobody deserves to be raked over the coals for it.

Now THIS I agree with, wholeheartedly. Great take on it. As far as I'm concerned if I'm ghosted, I will still write with you if you have a good reason, if I ask at all, but I also might not depending on how it was done. Judging for it or shaming somebody for it, especially publicly is, as far as I'm concerned, just plain awful. I'm glad you feel this way.

 

[Deleted member 42282]

For those of us who have been bullied and abused by Admins and Staff as well as members on sites like this it doesn't make a difference if you "communicate properly". I had a RP partner start arguing and attacking me OOC in a RP thread and next thing you know they had their buddy Moderator delete all her posts and the Mod was giving me warnings?! Next thing you know, I was banned for some reason.

I agree. And this is just fucked up.

When I said we should "communicate properly" I meant that both parties should be equally understanding and open-minded. If we were, it wouldn't lead to bans or drama and whatnot. But of course, we're not all the same in that regard... :c And those who are not, shouldn't really be roleplaying with others in the first place, if you ask me.

I am so sorry that many of you have been attacked like that by your partners when trying reach out to them and being honest. That is not how it is supposed to be.

So I totally understand the reasons for ghosting someone. And I fully support it. And the people doing it.

I also want to point out this:

I guess the best way to say it is that you just can't know why somebody would ghost, or who would snap should you want to leave an RP, because people are people. Some are fantastic, some are awful and most are a mix of the two.

Because we can't predict the future. We have no idea how our partners will react, about anything. Yes, perhaps they seem like the best partner in the world, but then you say one wrong thing and suddenly they're not. I get it. It's hard to find a balance, and sometimes it's better to not take the risk in fear of the worst possible scenario happening. Because it might.

The idea of communal shaming for anything is repulsive. I may not like ghosting and will distance myself from people who do it but it's a question of values and preferences. Nobody deserves to be raked over the coals for it.

Amen to this. Honestly, ghosting is not a crime. It is not illegal. Yes, it can be frustrating, and hurtful maybe, but we'll live. I think it's important to just accept our partners decision and move on without giving it a second thought. Simply trust that their their reasons are good enough. Be the bigger person about it.

The second has been because of a certain kind of partner that bordered on stalkery.

I am having the same issues guilt wise, like you wrote further up in your post. But this, this is not okay. When I first started roleplaying I remember getting so sad when I saw people replying more often to someone else than to me... until I realized that sometimes you are more motivated for one RP than another. And I started doing it myself. Sometimes you're just not in the right mood, don't have enough time, etc etc. And I would never in a million years bother my partners about it. By the very simple fact that I do not like being bothered with it. I reply when I want to, as should you. It's as simple as that. What I do in-between my replies is not really anyone's business.

I am sorry you've had partners who did this. It's so rude and unnecessary.

And my experiences of reaching out to people for support either in real life or to Admin/Mods on sites like this are not positive at all.

I am not an Admin or a Mod on this site, and I don't know them all personally either. But I can relate to your concerns. I don't like people who abuse their powers in settings like this - or any setting, really. Sadly, there are still people out in the world who think they're better than others and who believe that everything they do and say is right. I have stumbled upon a few of them myself - Not on BMR though, not yet at least.

And I have reached out people in real life too who have just made things two hundred times worse.... So, it's about finding the right people, although you often have to rule people out by failing. It's a rather painful process. You might carry too much on your shoulders, but if you ask for help, there is a chance your load will get even heavier... it shouldn't be like that, but it happens. More often than not, actually.

 

[TheAuthorFormerlyKnownAs]

There's a good deal I just don't agree with here...

I do sympathise with people who have been treated badly for ending games or saying no in general. I just don't think it's productive to pay bad behaviour forward. Also I appreciate your point that you can't know how someone will respond until they do and I don't object to people being wary of their partners, but if I can't convince people that I'm not going to react badly to rejection or limitations it will be very hard for us to write together. Being up-front and communicative is important to me.

 

[Cydaea]

All of my ghostings back in the day were largely unintentional, but there were usually one of two main reasons:

The first is the Guilt Spiral. I'd have a bad brain time and be unable to work up the energy to do much of anything, even simple chatting. I would feel guilty because I wasn't properly communicating with my partners, which would make my mental health worse, which would make me more avoidant, which would lead me to feeling guilty, which made me feel worse and so on. It got so bad that I couldn't even load some sites without having an anxiety attack, especially ones where blocking and often publicly shaming someone for ghosting you was standard practice so I couldn't even come back once I'd gotten my shit together and go "hey, I was dealing with some shit, sorry about that." It's why I try to be very upfront about my mental health issues, because even though I haven't had a bad one in a while there's still the risk that I'll have a low that leaves me unable to do much more than lay in bed.

The second has been because of a certain kind of partner that bordered on stalkery. I swear these types would camp on their friends list page and message me every time they saw me online, or saw that I had posted literally anywhere. I could check the site a couple times on my phone on a very busy day and end up with 5-10 messages. This often had nothing to do with any ghosting-adjacent behavior on my part; it could be right after receiving a post from them. If I wander off for two minutes and come back it was to another message, usually just "hi" "hello" "are you ignoring me?" I started to have stress responses to seeing certain names in my inbox, or seeing certain people online, and there were only so many times I could say "no, I'm not ignoring you, just like I wasn't ignoring you five minutes ago, or the time before that. I got up to make dinner." Sometimes I'd get these messages while working on my post for them because I am a horrible ADHD gremlin who navigated away for a few minutes. I would get stressed out seeing the person, not want to talk to them, get more messages because I didn't respond to every individual check in, get even more stressed out, probably become physically ill at some point, and eventually stop showing up on the site at all for a couple of months, ghosting both the offender and everyone else I was playing with at the time. Sometimes setting my status to hidden didn't even help because they'd see me make a one-sentence shitpost in general chat and pounce.

Some very personal reasoning and thoughts

I was brought up in an emotionally abusive household where conflict absolutely was not allowed. You do not publicly disagree with anyone. You do not openly ask someone to stop a harmful behavior. You absolutely do not bring up any kind of harmful behavior that happened more than five minutes ago. You do not express any kind of negative emotion, because if you're angry you're the bad guy and if you're upset you're manipulative and a different kind of bad guy. I'm three years out and still in the process of unlearning a lot behaviors that kept me safe while I was there but are harmful now that I'm out. One of them is the freeze response, a combination of making myself small and unobtrusive so I'm not a target and flat ignoring whatever's making me uncomfortable, refusing to engage in any way. Because if I did engage then I was the person at fault for making a fight of it instead of being 'the bigger person', read as being a passive target until whoever was hurting me got bored and went away or took it far enough to be obviously at fault. So I am, quite frankly, lacking in a lot of problem solving skills that involve actually talking to people, because trying to work things out has historically not gone well for me. I'm not afraid of some nebulous concept of 'drama', I'm afraid of someone coming down on me like the fist of an angry god for not abiding the "no conflict, no bad feelings allowed" rule, which I'm perfectly aware doesn't exist outside of my family but 25 years has ingrained pretty solidly. I've spent two hours getting a dressing down of biblical proportions because I asked a question about dinner that maybe possibly might be interpreted as snarky; it takes a great deal of courage for me to be able to put myself in any kind of position where I can be seen as confrontational, or rude, or in any way not perfectly compliant. I also don't naturally see authority figures like mods and admins as someone I can safely go to for these kinds of things, because it was often the authority figures in my life who were causing the harm.

Damn. This one bites deep.

 

[RedRose]

Never had problems on this site, but yes it happens on some to be toxic