Love Letters and Thunderstorms,Pt. 2

[Meorise]

No one ever tells you, especially when you're young, at least when I was young, how to deal with your mental and emotional standpoints. As far as I knew, I was left to my own devices to figure out what exactly was wrong with me if there was anything at all. Again, we're brought to the realization that, yes, you the reader did not ask but here I am spilling certain depths of my heart to you anyways. I have been absent once more for a very long period of time, finding myself in need of writing my thoughts somewhere that someone could comment or just read. For the past, about 6 months come April, I have been happy with someone. We've had our ups and down, moved through the honeymoon phase, I've gone across the U.S. to see him, and I will be again come next month. I am happy with him, but I've also been dealing with this inner demon that I'm not quite sure how to be rid of it. I've diffused my chaotic thinking, challenged my thoughts, cried it out and I'm in therapy on a weekly basis. I'm doing all the right things, yet I still feel like it's not enough, like I won't settle unless I have more. I am very aware, that my significant other cannot physically or emotionally give me more without exhausting himself to the core. He's all things good, he's calm, and reassuring, always checking on me. He's helping, but I can feel myself clawing for more to the point where I myself will get angry when I don't get it. It's frustrating to say the least. My depression is at an all time low, even when I've been working, exercising, I've begun eating right, and I drink water on a day to day basis. I have money saved up for things I want, it might not be much but that was a hurdle itself knowing my past spending habits. I've lost quite a bit of weight in a healthy manner. Though, my skin is flawed, dry, and textured in a way I know can be fixed, but that's easier said than done. Care products are expensive, and I may have money, but not that kind of money yet just enough income to afford the things I need. I guess what I'm trying to say is, even when things seem to be going perfect, my mind trips me up and leads me to believe that there just has to be something wrong. Granted, this is from past relationships, romantic or platonic. Regardless I live with it, and I feel like everyone else around me is suffering because of it, the one I love the most especially. I am constantly plagued with thoughts that he will eventually grow tired of me and leave me like all of the rest, even when he says he won't and I believe it. If he's not there, it doesn't seem to matter how busy I keep myself, the thoughts grow worse, the doubt, the distrust, this thing I call a demon begins to overcome me. I know it'll take time, it won't happen overnight, I need to be patient and it'll get better as I move through life.

I've just realized, that I don't wanna be alone now that I've grown up a bit. I'm growing older, and it's scary to thing about what happens once I've grown old, long time coming or not. I want to live my life with the one I love, and friends I adore surrounding me. I want my family to remember me, and I want my significant other to stay with me through all the obstacles. I deserve that, I just wish my mind would believe me when I assure it that I am allowed to have these things, but I guess that's a love letter I'll have to send my heart later, as I have to weather through the thunderstorm now.


Thanks for listening.
Meo <3