Crimson Angel's mental musings

[Untouchableone]

Entry #1

So usually I look forward to spending the holidays with my family, getting out of town with my husband until January 1st. But this year I have no Holiday spirit what so ever, Christmas music usually helps put me in the mood but not this year. I'm just over it all at this point to be honest, not to be a negative Nancy or whatever but I'm not so sure twenty twenty one is gonna be any better at this point. I also feel like this is all one big never ending game of Jumanji, we're all stuck on the second to last level until the ball drops at Midnight on December 31st. I've seen tick tock videos advertising a 2020 do-over or whatever, I'm pretty sure I'm just done!! My mental state has gone from okay I got this to how the fuck am I still sane? I'm constantly anxious no matter where I go, I freaking hate it. Alright that's all for Now... Come again if you wanna read more.

 

[Untouchableone]

Entry #2


so as if dealing with a late visit from aunt flow wasn’t bad enough I was also fighting a cold/sinus infection/a spot of the flue! I’m feeling better now however I had to get some Benadryl which makes me sleepy! But the local dollar general only had children’s Benadryl, it’s not as potent plus I’ve been fighting sleep while taking it cause I wanna be able to sleep when it’s actually bedtime. Granted I probably won’t take another dose until closer to bedtime, hubby and I have to run errands. It’s good to be back to semi normal least for me anyways, well that’s all I got for now come back for more!!

 

[Untouchableone]

Entry #3
so I have somethings that have been nagging at me pretty hard, one of them is that I wanna come out as a little! Yes I’m a little kid stuck in a grownup body, wouldn’t have known it if I hadn’t been rping with someone that was good at reading through the lines. I don’t get a chance to fully regress cause adult life comes first, my husband doesn’t quite understand but when I tell close friends like my big sister who gave me access to Disney + it’s easy for them to understand cause their future daughter in-la is also a little. I don’t have a paci yet but I really want one, I have a small collection of stuffed animals here but the rest are at my parents house.

I‘m still learning what triggers me what signs help people see I need to regress etc, one of these days I’ll get the hang of it, well that’s all I got for now.

 

[Untouchableone]

Entry #4

So I'm on this Server well three servers not including my own, on two of the three I feel emotionally attacked because I don't have a life outside of rp. I mean yeah I'm married, I spend time with my husband when he's not at work which is why I might be silent for a few hours or whatever. But when I say I feel attacked it's cause I've had three scenes just end cause they weren't moving forward quick enough, the admins used a damn Bot to end the scenes cause they don't want members doing it. I have two characters on the one, one on the other with multiple characters on the third but that one isn't the problem. Anyways I'd have to scroll up a good ways just to find my character cause they don't believe in individual character directories all the students are shoved into one channel, The admins can apparently have as many characters as they damn well please but others have to buy an extra character slot then wait for approval which is fine but the point is I rather just have the two I have them have multiple characters get ignored because they don't fit the story line etc. This rant isn't over so expect a few more entries on it today cause I'm just fucking over it.

 

[Untouchableone]

Entry #5
So I know I haven't posted since January, it's mainly because I haven't had a lot to complain about really. However my sleep cycle currently sucks, my husband and I still struggle to afford our utilities, groceries every week. Our Federal tax return has been spent, we have like $ 3.63 left on the card that we use through Jackson Hewitt. We have yet to get our state tax return back, hopefully when we do it can buy some extra groceries just to keep our freezer full cause I basically buy what I can which isn't much. To be honest it's very embarrassing when your in self checkout just to avoid people, have to take items off your order just so you can be under budget. It's just me and my husband, we don't eat that much but basic groceries such as water etc are expensive now a days. It's just irritating that ever since November 2019 we've been financially struggling, then the pandemic hit which we got both stimulus checks but they were gone as soon as we got them. The third One I'm not entirely sure about, I find it very unamusing that Bras even if they aren't actual bras cost $172.00 plus shipping and handling from the store their coming from. Due to being plus size I can't buy bra's at Walmart I have to either buy them out of a catalog or shop online to get the proper size, it's very annoying. Okay that's it end Rant for now I'm sure there will be more in the future.

 

[Untouchableone]

Entry #6

So last Friday I turned thirty seven years old, so far it's great however I feel much older then I am physically most days cause of various muscles cracking, creaking. Mentally I still feel like I'm a child stuck in a grownup's body, that's on being diagnosed with ADD as a child, a chemical imbalance to boot. I was on medication for my ADD until 7th grade, it didn't do me any good plus my specialist at the time wasn't pleased with the side effects. I still have sever focusing issues because I tend to zone out pretty easily especially when someone is talking to me, five minutes later I'm like huh? I'm neurodivergent I guess is the term. Caffeine either keeps me awake or puts me to sleep, it all depends on how much I've had at what hour of the day. I'm easily distracted due to a short attention span that I really wish I didn't have, now a days ADD doesn't even exist it would probably be ADHD, I'm not hyper in the least I just have issues sitting still for long periods of time which is normal mostly. Alright that's it for Now... There may be more who knows enjoy my mental musings cause to be honest this is the only way I know how to express myself, I can't write in a real journal for shit so I blog, or write about what's on my mind here.

 

[Untouchableone]

Entry #7


So my husband, I spent Saturday with some friends, I didn't fall asleep until 8am the next morning. Then I only slept until 11:30am, had to get up again to go have lunch with my grandpa then ran some other errands. We spent the rest of the day just chilling at my folks, watched fireworks on television then after having lunch with my cousin and his wife we went to Walmart to deposit money into our account. Ran into my aunt, one of my cousin's kids then we headed home. We got back into town around 4:30pm I was stressing over what I was going to eat, then managed.



Went to bed about 11:30pm then woke up at five dozed back off until 6am woke up to stay up for a little bit. Went back to sleep until about 9:50am then I was up the rest of the day, just feel emotionally drained because I haven't had more then maybe five-six hours sleep but with it being as humid as it is it's difficult to sleep. Then a friend forgot to take her medication yesterday, I felt that for all it was worth. I just feel like maybe I'm not a good enough person at this point, everything I say or do always manages to upset someone. I mean I used to be a really nice person but lately it seems everyone else wants to throw their problems my way, I'm trying to deal with my own. I'm only one person, I can't handle all the pressure of the world by myself.