Kitten's Thought Diary

[auburnkitten]

00:20 02/12/2020

So this is my first journal entry and I'm going to attempt to write one every day if I can. Mostly for myself and in part of others. Just in case there is someone else who can relate to any of my random musings. Sometimes I feel this diary will be light hearted but as I'm mainly going to use it for my mental health, most will not be easy to read.

2020 has been a strange year for me. It started pretty well, I finally quit a job that was honestly killing me both physically and emotionally, I found a new job which I love and I got into an exciting relationship. Now for most lockdown would have been really tough around the world. For me though? It was safe. I will go more into what happened to me last year in other journal posts. But this year has both been awful and a chance to really learn who I am. Which I value immensley.

So dear reader whoever you are, if you choose to continue to read this, strap in because tomorrow will not be a happy post.

All my love


Kitten

 

[auburnkitten]

21:58 02/12/2020

*WARNING THIS CONTENT MAY BE UPSETTING*

So maybe I should start by writing about what happened last year.

Last year I was the unfortunate victim of rape. There are no words that can truly describe how different I am as a person now.

I was in an open relationship at the time, I took all the right steps. My partner knew who he was, had a picture and my exact location at the time. I went over to this guy's house. We had gin and tonics, nothing out of the ordinary, we chatted. He seemed nice. We had things in common. I felt safe. He ran me a bath and allowed me to relax. Afterwards, we had consensual sex. The only issue being he did it unprotected. Despite me repeating constantly I didn't do that.

Things started going downhill from this point, he bit my neck and left a mark. Something again I repeatedly asked him not to do, due to my work in health care and having my neck on show. Then he started anal. Without asking or checking. Again. I wasn't happy but started to enjoy it and so let him continue. Then he tried again. It hurt. A lot. I asked him to stop. Long story short he didn't stop.

It didn't hit me until the next day the true nature of what had happened to me. Since then I have looked back. Why did I drink? Why did I stay? Why didn't I phone my boyfriend? The police? But I've learnt that I can't do that.

So I wanted to talk about it here. To let others know. It gets better. It gets easier to live with. It's not an easy thing to live with and there are still days I feel incapable of even messaging a friend.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I just need somewhere I can write. Somewhere I can get these feelings out. Somewhere I can let go.

I'm not ashamed anymore. It wasn't my fault. If anything I'm proud. Proud I had the courage to report it. I knew when I did the chances of getting a conviction were slim. No one ever mentions quite how awful the system is for a victim though. The police do the very best they can but it's such an invasive investigation it will never be pleasant.

I want people to know, I'm here. It's hard being the only person you know who has dealt with it and if I can help someone get better and feel better then again, talking about it will be worth it.

So there is my skeleton in the closet

 

[auburnkitten]

21:22 03/12/2020

Today has been overall a pretty good day. I managed to actually get dressed which is always a good sign for me. I got caught singing by my very bemused postman.

Not really much to say about today, except I'm finally going to be working again tomorrow, which is very exciting as I have really missed seeing people every day.

As I said today as been a bit of a nothing day

But I promised I'd write every day