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Meorise
"私を助けてください, 私を死なせないで."
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2019
- Location
- Promised Neverland
September 07, 2020, 9:37 pm
Music - A Matter Of Time
Writing this seems strange, because I feel like I'm talking to a bunch of strangers. I need to get this out before it literally kills me, and who knows maybe it still will. Hello, I'm Char, and I'm not okay. Not even a little bit, I walk around during the day and act like I'm perfectly fine, and sometimes I guess I can feel fine. Though, deep down, I know it's still there. I suffer from a cocktail of mental illnesses, some which I have to see a neurologist for now because the chemical levels in my head are so messed up. I have panic attacks all the time, they come and go a lot. I probably have 5 or 6 a day. It feels so dreadful I can't even begin to explain. It physically hurts. It feels like no matter what happens, or what I do, things will never get ever get better. At first I thought it was my heart breaking, but now I realize it's my soul that's hurting so bad. I can't even talk about it without feeling disgusting and guilty for even feeling this way. Huh, even now I feel like I'm just calling out for attention... And maybe I am, but I don't know what else to do. I don't believe anyone, and I don't really know why. When my boyfriend, my mother, or even my friends tell me they love me, I think they're lying. I never think that the genuine things they say are true. I know they mean it, I do, but I can't feel it. That is so fucking scary to me, because when did that start happening and why am I only noticing it now... Now before you say I need therapy, newsflash, I am and I'm very honest with her about how I feel. Yet, I still feel like this... I can feel myself changing, I don't smile the same, I don't laugh the same, view things the same. Something is wrong, and it's happening so fast that I feel like I can't stop it. I keep telling myself it'll get better, but I don't even believe myself anymore. I just want the overthinking to stop, I want to stop feeling depressed all the time, I want to feel my definition of normal. I don't want to wake up in the morning shaking from anxiety everyday. I want to smile more than I cry, I want to stop feeling physically exhausted every fucking day. I want to look at my boyfriend and actually feel happy for him instead of terrified that I can't make him happy. I want my mom to be happy. I want to be happy and I just feel like I can't be, like I don't deserve it. It's never enough, nothing is every enough and it's actually so fucking frustrating and I don't know really what happened to me to make me feel the way I do... I'm sad to admit, when I was young I wished something was wrong with me so people would hear me, and now that there actually is, I feel like no one cares. Even though I know I have family and friends, I literally have the greatest support, and I can't feel it there. God, I want to but I can't and I don't know why. I'm sorry for feeling this way, and I wish I didn't. I'm sick with a whole lot right now, I have had more than 26 doctors appointments in the last month, my relationship... Sigh... I just don't want to be on the brink of destruction anymore...
I'm sorry if this is insanely depressing... I just needed to get my thoughts out. I'm 27 and I feel like a pathetic teenager typing all of this, I mean, is it normal to feel like that? To feel like any of this?
Anywho, thanks for listening.
Music - A Matter Of Time
Writing this seems strange, because I feel like I'm talking to a bunch of strangers. I need to get this out before it literally kills me, and who knows maybe it still will. Hello, I'm Char, and I'm not okay. Not even a little bit, I walk around during the day and act like I'm perfectly fine, and sometimes I guess I can feel fine. Though, deep down, I know it's still there. I suffer from a cocktail of mental illnesses, some which I have to see a neurologist for now because the chemical levels in my head are so messed up. I have panic attacks all the time, they come and go a lot. I probably have 5 or 6 a day. It feels so dreadful I can't even begin to explain. It physically hurts. It feels like no matter what happens, or what I do, things will never get ever get better. At first I thought it was my heart breaking, but now I realize it's my soul that's hurting so bad. I can't even talk about it without feeling disgusting and guilty for even feeling this way. Huh, even now I feel like I'm just calling out for attention... And maybe I am, but I don't know what else to do. I don't believe anyone, and I don't really know why. When my boyfriend, my mother, or even my friends tell me they love me, I think they're lying. I never think that the genuine things they say are true. I know they mean it, I do, but I can't feel it. That is so fucking scary to me, because when did that start happening and why am I only noticing it now... Now before you say I need therapy, newsflash, I am and I'm very honest with her about how I feel. Yet, I still feel like this... I can feel myself changing, I don't smile the same, I don't laugh the same, view things the same. Something is wrong, and it's happening so fast that I feel like I can't stop it. I keep telling myself it'll get better, but I don't even believe myself anymore. I just want the overthinking to stop, I want to stop feeling depressed all the time, I want to feel my definition of normal. I don't want to wake up in the morning shaking from anxiety everyday. I want to smile more than I cry, I want to stop feeling physically exhausted every fucking day. I want to look at my boyfriend and actually feel happy for him instead of terrified that I can't make him happy. I want my mom to be happy. I want to be happy and I just feel like I can't be, like I don't deserve it. It's never enough, nothing is every enough and it's actually so fucking frustrating and I don't know really what happened to me to make me feel the way I do... I'm sad to admit, when I was young I wished something was wrong with me so people would hear me, and now that there actually is, I feel like no one cares. Even though I know I have family and friends, I literally have the greatest support, and I can't feel it there. God, I want to but I can't and I don't know why. I'm sorry for feeling this way, and I wish I didn't. I'm sick with a whole lot right now, I have had more than 26 doctors appointments in the last month, my relationship... Sigh... I just don't want to be on the brink of destruction anymore...
I'm sorry if this is insanely depressing... I just needed to get my thoughts out. I'm 27 and I feel like a pathetic teenager typing all of this, I mean, is it normal to feel like that? To feel like any of this?
Anywho, thanks for listening.