Seeker Thinks

[SunChaser]

I don’t know why I’m writing this, I have never done this before. Hell, is there even enough things in my head to justify having a digital journal? Probably not. But, I‘ll try to fill it anyways. I need to do something to get to three posts after all...

I have been roleplay since I was around 14 years old. Silly enough, it was on a forum for a dinosaur indie game, which is still going strong, mind you. It was fun, actually. Me and many members would roleplay on the off topic section all the time! We played as dinosaurs mostly. Looking back on that now, we all pretty much see it as a cringey part of our past. Though they may have given up on roleplaying, that was just the start for me. After that time, things start getting a bit fuzzy, but I’ll try to remember the best I can.

However, I do remember moving on to Amino. If you have never heard of it, Amino is a social media platform where you form communities! Ah, those were the days.... Unfortunately, I was quite impatient during those days, so I ended up ghosting many good roleplay because my partner didn’t reply in like five minutes. (Terrible...I know.) Fortunately, I have since grown to be quite the patient fellow. As long as my partner is patien, I will be patient!

Well, I was on Amino for awhile, but soon I started looking elsewhere to roleplay. Now, I won’t mention any website names, because as I don’t want people to think I’m advertising. But, I discovered an interesting roleplaying forum that has an interesting and possibly dangerous concept.... You see, most roleplay sites are either PG13 and don’t allow nsfw roleplays in any fashion due to minors being present or they are 18+ and don’t allow minors. Well, said rp site allowed both. To keep things...legal...they separated minors and adults into different categories. People younger than 18 were...actually allowed to have nsfw...as long as it was with another minor. Of course, ppl 18 and up were allowed the same with other adults. It was an interesting concept that allowed me to explore another facet of rp. One that I have been knee deep in for awhile now.

Being 16 and 17 SUCKED! I was so close to being 18, so close to being an adult and being able to be with the “big kids,” that I could taste it. Ugh, it was so frustrating. Call me a weird kid. Usually people are excited to become an adult because they want to be seen as mature or they can finally...do the thing. But no. I wasn’t excited for that. I was excited to be able to do those sweet, sweet adult role plays. (I’m probably making it very obvious that I’m a virgin, but I don’t care.) But, that fateful day came and I soon joined the big kid’s league.

Of course, to wrap up this story, I soon joined other 18+ roleplay sites to stretch my roleplaying muscles. Of course, almost 2 years after my blossomping to adulthood, I find myself here, making this journal entry.

 

[SunChaser]

You know, it’s only been around two days since I made my first entry. To be honest, I simply created this to get that sweet, sweet post number so I can enter the period where my account would be fully activated. But here I am, making another post. Who knows? Maybe this will be the last post I make for this journal. Or maybe not. I’m going to be honest, I’ll probably be a bit more cynical this time around. But, I don’t think many people will actually bother to read this anyways. So why should I care?

I know in my first post I made a “grand” timeline detailing my career as a roleplayer, but I never went in to how I felt. Honestly, roleplaying is super fucking fun. It’s why I got into it. I loved the idea of making worlds that I can populate with characters. I loved being able to just escape into another reality, even for just a few minutes, to escape the monotonous hell that is my life. I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s the reason a lot of people do this. Honestly, if I was able to change my life and the world I live in just on a whim...I’d do it so damn fast. Just as I’m sure so many others would.

But, roleplaying does have its lows. For me in particular, it seems that the lows happen so much more than the highs. I remember 2017 was the worst. I was adding and dropping role plays so damn fast. You know how interest seems to gain and waver after awhile? Well, that’s what was going on. I’d get super pumped for roleplay and start a ton of new rps at the same time. Then, of course, my interest would wane as I quickly got overwhelmed. It was hell. Fortunately, I did get through that. The pattern remains but it isn’t as exaggerated anymore.

Being me to present day and I’ve been in this low for awhile now. Roleplaying seems to have slowed down to a crawl and I seem to be unable to find a partner that I genuinely click with. Oh! And when I do click with someone and get super excited to build up the roleplay and the world....I’m ghosted before the rp can even start to shine. It’s kind of sad to say, but out of the 6 years of roleplaying, I have only found one person who I clicked with that actually stuck around. I met them in Tumblr, and we started a rather simple Cop roleplay. It was simple and not very grand, but boy was it fun! And we’d end up having long conversations that didn’t even have to do with roleplaying! Unfortunately, the rp died as they did ghost me and stopped the rp. Thus, I unfriended them. But, you know what happened? A couple of months later, the added me back as a friend and apologized! It was so surreal. Here I was thinking that the good times were over, but they took the time to come back! We started another roleplay, another story. We continued to have fun. Our stories never lasted because well...they‘d stop replying for awhile. But, that wasn’t what made it fun. I actually liked that I had someone to talk to! Of course, we did eventually...separate. I lost the longest partner I had.

Ever since I have been looking for a partner like that. Someone that I can confidently talk to and just have some fun! But, I haven’t found anyone like that. I continue to fail at it. Who knows? It’s probably my fault. In all honesty, it may sound like I am looking for a friend more than a roleplay partner. Which may be true. I’m not very social and roleplaying has always been a way to enrich my social life in a tiny bit. It fills the need as best it can.

But, nowadays it seems so hard to find a new roleplay partner. I constantly reach out and I either don’t get an answer or they quickly ghost me. Most of the time, the roleplay dies before it even began. Sometimes, I wish they told me why. Did I say too much? Too little? If you didn’t like the idea I suggested, why didn’t you just tell me? I am a part of so many roleplaying forums. I have joined countless discord servers. Scoured Tumblr. Perused Reddit. Even tried the hellhole that is Omegle. (NEVER go there to roleplay!) All for what? Just to get empty results.

Lately, I have had this idea that I have wanted to try. It’s pretty smutty...and weird. But it is something that I have wanted to try. I’ll admit, it is a pretty self-indulgent play. But, we’ve all had those kinds of ideas at times, right? Unfortunately, I don’t think many people would be very interested in it. Those who I believe would never reply to my outreaching messages. Maybe they absolutely hated it? Or maybe they thought that we weren’t compatible for some reason. I’ll never know.

You know, I have quit roleplaying countless times now. Even as recently as two months ago. I actually lasted awhile too! But, here I am. Trying again. Life’s funny like that? You know the odds of success are low, but you keep trying. You keep going at it. And that’s what I am going to do. I know I’ll never quit roleplaying. I’ve been at it for way too long now. It’s a part of me...of my identity. I let’s me explore parts of my mind that I didn’t know were there. The chances of me finding another great partner again may be low, but it would be zero if I gave up. And I’m not. I’m not going to stop looking. I will always be looking. Always seeking. I mean...it’s in my name.