In need of a fresh pair of eyes...

[AroDelta]

Hello there!

I've created a plot recently and would like your input on how I can make it better! Feel free to reply with suggestions and comments.

Click Here!

 

[Jericho Z. Barrons]

It's kind of a long summary, in my opinion. I get that it's from a movie and all(which will make your pool of interested parties smaller, restricted to those who watched and enjoyed the film) but all this information before you get to the basic plot, it feels a bit restrictive. I would not respond to an ad like this because you have all this information about the world and situation, yet the role you're looking to have filled is the more active person, the one who is supposed to be in the ruling class of this society. It shrinks the hoop even further that someone has to jump through. Because you've got all this information about the state of things, you know how the society and mechanics work, yet you want someone else to be in possession of that knowledge. Enough that they could be the assertive and controlling character. I would worry about if I could reasonably portray everything you've planned out while still having enough possession over my own character to create and add to this world.

I would severely reduce the blurb to be something a bit more freeform to give the person writing the assertive character more access to the world building information or more freedom to co-create.

When Dr. Natalie Gray(MC) lands on Elysium after a 3 year sojourn on Earth, she doesn't expect to be recognized. What is worse, she doesn't expect to be captured and taken to Elysium's HQ like some enemy or criminal. But even if she didn't have amnesia, Dr. Gray wouldn't recognize the Secretary of Defense, Jessica Delacourt(YC). Though they were former lovers, Delacourt has turned into a narcissistic, cold blooded, power hungry, possessive individual in the years they've been apart, twisted by the hole Dr. Gray left behind. After a protocol investigation, Delacourt commands her butler to take Dr. Natalie Gray to her own home. Taking advantage of her former lover's amnesia, the ruthless Delacourt will do her very best to mold Dr. Gray into her perfect image of what her wife should be, whatever the cost.

Boom. You've got the players. You've got the relationship you want to explore. Any world building, if it has to be explained at all, can be discussed in ooc talks. But, if you wanted to keep the faceclaim and the core relationship between the characters, I'd erase any connection to the movie other than the faceclaim and name of the SoD. The rest, I'd leave freedom for my partner to co-create with me. Nobody wants to come into a story already written when they're the role that is supposed to know everything and be in control/power. Unless it is from a more popular and easily recognized canon.

The faceclaim chosen for the partner is another thing I'd not respond to. Unless it was someone I really liked the look of. So, just be aware, that is another thing that shrinks the pool of interested parties, since most people want at least that much creative control. Or at the very least, make the way your character looks open for someone else to choose, so, it'd be a trade. They'd play someone you are hot for and you'd play someone they are hot for.

 

[ptarmigan]

Hi AroDelta,

I like that your request is sci-fi themed. Sci-fi seems less common here than fantasy themes.

I don’t understand why Natalie would suffer amnesia “due to a system failure”. I can think of a few possibilities, but I think it is confusing to leave it at that. Maybe you should just say that she has suffered amnesia, or explain how a system failure led to amnesia. Is she an android suffering from a system failure herself? Was it a life-support system back on earth that harmed her when it failed? Was she injured when something broke during the attack on the shuttle?

I’m having trouble with “while others formed contrabands of shuttles and fake I.D’s.”. Maybe you’re using the word “contrabands” in a way that I don’t recognize. Maybe you mean something like: “while others sought out contraband shuttles and fake I.D’s” Or maybe: “while others banded together, gathering shuttles and fake I.D’s”

I think “Elite controlled” should be hyphenated.

“She’s know to deport” should probably be “She’s known to deport”, or “She’s been known to deport”

I think “the young dr is captured” should be “the young doctor is captured”

The commenter "The Goodman" above inferred that your story is based on a movie. That’s not how I read your post. It was my impression that this was your original story idea. If your intention was to role play based on movie characters (is that called Fandom?), then you might make that clearer.

I hope that helps!

 

[AroDelta]

It's kind of a long summary, in my opinion. I get that it's from a movie and all(which will make your pool of interested parties smaller, restricted to those who watched and enjoyed the film) but all this information before you get to the basic plot, it feels a bit restrictive. I would not respond to an ad like this because you have all this information about the world and situation, yet the role you're looking to have filled is the more active person, the one who is supposed to be in the ruling class of this society. It shrinks the hoop even further that someone has to jump through. Because you've got all this information about the state of things, you know how the society and mechanics work, yet you want someone else to be in possession of that knowledge. Enough that they could be the assertive and controlling character. I would worry about if I could reasonably portray everything you've planned out while still having enough possession over my own character to create and add to this world.

I would severely reduce the blurb to be something a bit more freeform to give the person writing the assertive character more access to the world building information or more freedom to co-create.



Boom. You've got the players. You've got the relationship you want to explore. Any world building, if it has to be explained at all, can be discussed in ooc talks. But, if you wanted to keep the faceclaim and the core relationship between the characters, I'd erase any connection to the movie other than the faceclaim and name of the SoD. The rest, I'd leave freedom for my partner to co-create with me. Nobody wants to come into a story already written when they're the role that is supposed to know everything and be in control/power. Unless it is from a more popular and easily recognized canon.

The faceclaim chosen for the partner is another thing I'd not respond to. Unless it was someone I really liked the look of. So, just be aware, that is another thing that shrinks the pool of interested parties, since most people want at least that much creative control. Or at the very least, make the way your character looks open for someone else to choose, so, it'd be a trade. They'd play someone you are hot for and you'd play someone they are hot for.

Hi "The Goodman",

Thanks for your response! Made some changes off of your suggestions, I appreciate your time. Take care

 

[AroDelta]

Hi AroDelta,

I like that your request is sci-fi themed. Sci-fi seems less common here than fantasy themes.

I don’t understand why Natalie would suffer amnesia “due to a system failure”. I can think of a few possibilities, but I think it is confusing to leave it at that. Maybe you should just say that she has suffered amnesia, or explain how a system failure led to amnesia. Is she an android suffering from a system failure herself? Was it a life-support system back on earth that harmed her when it failed? Was she injured when something broke during the attack on the shuttle?

I’m having trouble with “while others formed contrabands of shuttles and fake I.D’s.”. Maybe you’re using the word “contrabands” in a way that I don’t recognize. Maybe you mean something like: “while others sought out contraband shuttles and fake I.D’s” Or maybe: “while others banded together, gathering shuttles and fake I.D’s”

I think “Elite controlled” should be hyphenated.

“She’s know to deport” should probably be “She’s known to deport”, or “She’s been known to deport”

I think “the young dr is captured” should be “the young doctor is captured”

The commenter "The Goodman" above inferred that your story is based on a movie. That’s not how I read your post. It was my impression that this was your original story idea. If your intention was to role play based on movie characters (is that called Fandom?), then you might make that clearer.

I hope that helps!

Good evening,

Thank you for your response, I appreciate it! Made the necessary changes
And yes, the plot is based off a film called Elysium.