Hi there and welcome to my 'journal'. I thought it would be a good idea to start writing things that go on inside my head, it's like an extreme, chaotic theme-park. Where the theme is drama. Lovely.
I hope that at least some people will be entertained with this soap series called; 'My life'.
So to sort of introduce myself;
My name is Kimor on BMR it is;Asylynn At the time of writing this, I am twenty years old and studying IT. I am severely depressed, I have ADHD, but I am a strong girl and keep on fighting! (though sometimes everything really sucks and blah)
I will probably start writing the actual start of the journal later tonight, but this might be a nice introduction!
So, lol, I will keep you up to date?
The last few days have been really hard for me, sadly.
Like I have mentioned in the journal's introduction: I am depressed. Severely.
Because I am depressed, I have anti-depressants.
But last week, something went wrong with my prescription and well.. I had a few days without my anti-depressants. Anti-deppressants sound so..blegh.. Let's call them pro-happies, shall we? So, these last few days have been a rollercoaster!
Not only did it feck up my emotions, no, no, no, dear reader.
The worst thing about having withdrawal with my pro-happies, is the physical reaction. You're all probably familiar with that feeling when you get up too quickly.
Thát, every. time. you. move. your. eyes.
There's this sort of shock-zap though your head, which afterwards goes through your whole body.
It Sucks.
Though the days have been quite hard, there were also some.. good things from this experience again. (Yea, this wasn't the first time without my pro-happies)
This whole experience has showed me that there are great people in my life.
Some have been here for a long while, some not even a month.
And though, dear reader, life is hard and life is pain.
These people have proven me that life is believing, life is loving and life is remembering that you have a value.
So, lovely reader, I would like you to think about yóúr value. Just take a moment, think about what you mean to other people and maybe animals. Maybe even look in the mirror and think about all the amazing things you have done and how far you have come!
Life has thrown all these obstacles on your path and as a pro-gamer, you have jumped over all of these! You're worth so much, you just need to know where to look..
Well, hello again! Dear reader.
I got my pro-happies again and boi, is getting used to them a pain!
One of the side effects is more depressive thoughts (Jolly...)
So school-work today was a no-go. I should message my teacher about this, but..eh.
Am I lazy or do I have anxiety? I'm not so sure.
I am at least really happy that I got back to writing a bit!
There is a lot to catch up on, so not ready with all of them and also added a few new ones.
Chatting with amazing new people and plotting, just putting my mind to some fun! Thank you, amazing people in my life. I was wondering if I should be inspirational again an throw some awesome story about experiences and overcoming obstacles.
But I decided that today was not a day for that.
Today is more of a laid-back day.
A lot of people are getting bored in quarantine or suddenly extremely busy.
Don't forget to take care of yourself and your health! Take a step back when needed!
Tomorrow I will tell you, dear reader, about my username.
One of my dear friends wondered; How do people come up with their usernames or character-names?
And well, my username is quite an in-depth story.
Take care, Dear reader!
Well hello there,
Sorry that I haven't written in a while. I'm really bad at these sort of things.
I don't have any discipline and this fricks me in the ass a lot of times.
But! I promised to talk about my username! Asylynn, why Asylynn? Okay, let's start with; my life is a mess. It's been a mess since my birth.
Don't get me wrong, I loved my childhood. But my childhood was everything except healthy.
I won't get into details, because I'm not ready to randomly share those on the internet, yet.
But there is this one movie I remember, which I loved. It was called; The Voyage of the Unicorn. (WATCH IT)
It isn't a tale about a pretty unicorn, It's an adventure story with elves and trolls.
The unicorn is a big boat which takes this small family on this journey; the Aisling's.
The quote in my Signature is from this movie as well; Credendo Vides:'By believing, one sees.' When I was younger, I always misheard Aisling as Aislynn. Which is an Irish girl name which means; dream or vision.
This name always stuck with me.
When I was between eleven and twelve years old, I got pulled away from my home and was put in a foster-family.
I've been in this foster-family from twelve years old until I was eighteen.
I love my foster-parents, but this time was rough. We were so different and I still had hopes and dreams to get back to my real family.
It was really rough and sometimes I felt as if I was going crazy.
Having this longing to go home, feeling lonely and lost in love. It felt as if I belonged in an Asylum.
Aislynn reminds me of home, of being a child and being happy. Even though the world was falling apart right around me.
There were so many things I was thinking about and I was looking forward to the future. Being careless and free.
Asylum now reminds me of the hard times. The times where I had to fight to get through with live.
I didn't want to live anymore and it felt like my fire was burning out.
But for some reason I kept going and fueled myself, even though every step of the journey hurt.
I combined these two to Asylynn. I combined the good and the bad times to remind myself that this is me.
Without the bad days, I won't understand how good the good days were and Are right now.
Without the good days, I wouldn't have had a reason to push through.
This is me. Ying/Yang.
I hope this story reminds you as well, that there are good and bad days.
We wouldn't be us without these. We all take lessons from every part of our life.
We've all learned so much, take a moment to be proud of yourself.
Don't get stuck in the bad days, but also don't take the good days for granted.
Make life worth living for and remind yourself that there is so much to live for.
Heyo, welcome back again!
I hope you're having a great day.
The weather today sucks and it allowed me to sit back and think once again.
Life's scary, isn't it? You never really know what will happen.
You hear rumors and have memories from the past, but the future is always a mystery.
It's scary and I don't know how to think about it.
A lot of people turn out to be a lot like their own parents.
That. That would be one of my biggest fears.
People always say that your future is in your own hands, but I'm not sure if that is totally true.
All the other people around you influence your life as well.
You influence a lot of lives, your friends, family and even strangers.
I just wish everyone kept that in mind.
Try to be a good person.
This journal post is a mess. Just like my mind.
I just don't know how to express,
the emotions I find.
I'm drowning in darkness,
while living my life.
I just continue to balance,
on the edge of a knife.
Soon I will fall,
down into this rabbit hole.
Soon I'll lose all. Never will I be whole.
I will be back soon dear reader.
Take care.
XxAsylynn
Hello, dear reader.
I am currently in such a weird mood!
With the corona-virus and having to stay home so much;
I suddenly seem to have so much time.
My mind tells me to use this time as best as I can.
Learn everything I wanted, play games, do schoolwork, yas, own it.
The time is there, I have all the stuff needed, but..
I can't seem to get to work? Weird, isn't it?
Well, as I said in my intro; I have ADHD.
I am constantly everywhere with my mind.
This shouldn't be an excuse right now though, since I have medication for that. But I just can't find the motivation and focus to do Stuff. I want to write, I have the time.
But my mind feels like a song stuck on repeat. (Currently it's Innocence by Nathan Wagner) It sucks, but I try to keep reminding myself that it's okay.
My mental health is a shit-hole, it's bad, not okay. Maybe taking a small break from things, isn't bad.
My mind and mental-health can actually use this time.
The past months, maybe years even, have been rough and fast and busy.
There was no place in the wild schedule to process what was happening. Maybe I can use this spare time, to just 'heal'.
We shouldn't blame or punish ourselves for taking a break.
A much needed break.
If you're feeling the same as I do at this moment. It's okay. You're the one in charge.
Don't try to push yourself into a breakdown.
Take a breather. *Inhale* 1..2.. *Exhale*
Acknowledge your feelings, accept them and process them.
It's okay to take a break.
You'll do all those other things when you're ready for them.
But that might not be right now.
Please, take care of yourself.
I seem to forget it sometimes,
And I don't want you to constantly feel thát pain.
I'll always be here for you.
Take care, dear reader.
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