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Adult Humor

A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

“I don’t understand, Doc,” the patient says. “Why?”

“Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”
 
What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.

----------​

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch.
 
lmao 😂

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly ... or about twenty-five percent of the characters on BMR??
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
 
Honest killer is hired by the jealous husband to kill his cheating wife and her lover. One thing he asks though, it's to shoot his wife in head and the lover in dick. The payment is 10 000 for each bullet.

Next day the honest killer takes just 10 000 and leaves, stating that 1 bullet was enough
 
A man is feeling really bad because he just had to put his father into a nursing home. A week later he gets a call from his dad, "Son, this place is amazing! Yesterday I woke up and the hot busty nurse walked in, saw the bulge under my blankets, licked her lips and have me the best head job of my life" he explained to his son. "Oh that's great dad, happy to hear it's working out for you" the son responded.

The next morning he gets another call, "Son! You have to get me out of here, it's a nightmare! This morning I was walking down the hallway when I fell over. A huge orderly came along, picked me up, fucked me up the ass and then threw me back in my room!"

"That's terrible dad... do you think you have to take the good with the bad though, what about the head job?"

"SON! You don't understand, I wake up with an erection once a month. I fall over 3 or 4 times a day!!"
 
Mtvarisa said:
Honest killer is hired by the jealous husband to kill his cheating wife and her lover. One thing he asks though, it's to shoot his wife in head and the lover in dick. The payment is 10 000 for each bullet.

Next day the honest killer takes just 10 000 and leaves, stating that 1 bullet was enough
Click to expand...
lmao thats hilarious - and efficient
 
Dirty Fingers said:
A man is feeling really bad because he just had to put his father into a nursing home. A week later he gets a call from his dad, "Son, this place is amazing! Yesterday I woke up and the hot busty nurse walked in, saw the bulge under my blankets, licked her lips and have me the best head job of my life" he explained to his son. "Oh that's great dad, happy to hear it's working out for you" the son responded.

The next morning he gets another call, "Son! You have to get me out of here, it's a nightmare! This morning I was walking down the hallway when I fell over. A huge orderly came along, picked me up, fucked me up the ass and then threw me back in my room!"

"That's terrible dad... do you think you have to take the good with the bad though, what about the head job?"

"SON! You don't understand, I wake up with an erection once a month. I fall over 3 or 4 times a day!!"
Click to expand...
omg lmao
 
Did you hear that Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.
 
(Tries on best Rodney Dangerfield expression as I can see him saying something like this if he were still around)

"Now I've heard of some crazy kinks in my time. Shit, I probably have done a lot of them myself. But this Pansexuality thing, I mean come on! Who the fuck gets off on frying pans!" Boom Boom!
 
"Apparently, ya wife. Got knots on my head from ear ta ear. Take ya wife, take ya wife back, please. No respect. No respect at awlll..."
[rimshot]

The Grand Master of Self-Deprecation is always with us.
 
Wife gets home and asks her husband what he has been up to, he tells that he killed 5 flies today, 3 male and 2 female. She asks how can tell the difference. He turns to her and says "It's easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone" boom boom!
 
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
 
lol y'all are hilarious! :ROFLMAO:


A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled, so the mother continues, “That means the Daddy puts his penis in the Mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”

The girl seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, ... but the other night when I came into your room you had Daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
 
Sigmund Freud's daughter comes up to him and asks "Father, what is a dick?"

Sigmund, being Sigmund stands undoes his zip and says "My dear child, this is a dick"

His daughter takes a look and responds, "Oh so a dick is like a cock, only smaller".
 
A boy asks his father for a new bike, the father says "Well, can ya dick touch your arse?" the boy, confused, says no. The father says, "Well it's no then". Years later the boy, now a teen asks his father for money for his first car, "Can your dick touch your arse yet?" the father asks, the boy just shakes his head and walks off. A few years later he asks his father for some money as he is now in college and things are tight, the father asks the same dick question and the boy, now a man hangs up the phone.

Decades pass and the son is now a successful lawyer with money to burn and everything he had ever wanted in life and then some. His father rings up, "Son, I might lose the house, can I have a loan?"

The son smirks, "Can your dick touch your arse?" he asks.

"Yes, it sure can Son" the father answers proudly.

"Good. Then go fuck yourself" the son answers.
 
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a baptism along the river bank. The drunk stumbles into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the heavy smell of alcohol, disgusted, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk shouts, “Yes, I am.”

So the preacher grabs him by his shirt collar and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back up and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, me brother?”

The drunk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

The preacher frowns and decides to dunk the drunk man again… this time the preacher holds him down for a good 30 or 40 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God man, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in”?
 
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