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Pulsar
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2009
Okay, this is going to be a little weird, but I'm at something of a loss as for particular advice to offer, and I'm looking for perspective, maybe a check on whether my thinking is accurate. I know I don't normally do this, but I'm second-guessing myself, and I feel it's something some of the people here can offer something.
So, I've got a friend who is very very spun and can't quite come to grips with it. She's all out of sorts over a guy.
My friend meets this guy at an event with other people; he's a new person she just met, and he has a compatibility that she's not experienced before. She spends some time with him over the next few days, and things kind of get... er, interesting pretty quickly. And she's doing things for him that she never does, never feels like doing for others. She wants to give without needing to receive; she's happy just making him happy. Which is apparently weird for her; not normal. I said it sounds like what love does to you, and she didn't really have much to say about that.
It was all very sudden and inexplicable, at any rate. And from her story, it's intense, like, the best experience he'd had, or so he said. Which, honestly, doesn't surprise me.
Anyway, so they talk, and he says he doesn't want things to be weird. But then people are still doing things, but he's avoiding her for several days, which given the context, makes it weird. And then when she finally had a chance to talk to him, to confront him about it, and he's, like, I just don't want to do this with you. And she asks if it's about the way she looks, which is the not-so-secret weakness of so many of the attractive self-doubting young women around here, and he doesn't say a thing. Which, besides being a class move in and of itself (please read in the extreme sarcasm on that last), is the cruelest thing you can say to someone who is already self-conscious and perhaps fragile about it.
Then there's a thing at a party, she makes out with him, her drunk, him sober, and he gives her the "just want to be friends" line, and then ignores her entirely the next day, and won't look at her when their paths cross later. OH, until apparently he comes over when my friend is on the telephone with a third party, and the first words he initiates to her in days are "Tell [third party] to bring her sister." Apparently with aplomb and utter calm, as if nothing was wrong.
So, my perspective, of course, is that the psychological connection unlocked things for her, which led to her own emotional upset. And he, the boy, as is typical of the age, wasn't up to the demands of behaving like a fucking adult or even offering the minimal basics of politeness. I'm thinking she just has to suffer through, and learn that, while it's not bad to feel strongly for someone, not everybody you'll feel strongly for is going to be worth it. Heartbeak is sometimes necessary, I'm afraid, and she'll be stronger for it if she can just carry on and get herself over him.
But as with all things, this kind of advice is easy to say, and harder to do. And I don't know what else to offer. So that's the thing about having the resources of the internet: multiple people to check against. Open source advice giving. Question is, does anyone have any contrasting perspective? Or did I essentially get it right (or close enough)?
So, I've got a friend who is very very spun and can't quite come to grips with it. She's all out of sorts over a guy.
My friend meets this guy at an event with other people; he's a new person she just met, and he has a compatibility that she's not experienced before. She spends some time with him over the next few days, and things kind of get... er, interesting pretty quickly. And she's doing things for him that she never does, never feels like doing for others. She wants to give without needing to receive; she's happy just making him happy. Which is apparently weird for her; not normal. I said it sounds like what love does to you, and she didn't really have much to say about that.
It was all very sudden and inexplicable, at any rate. And from her story, it's intense, like, the best experience he'd had, or so he said. Which, honestly, doesn't surprise me.
Anyway, so they talk, and he says he doesn't want things to be weird. But then people are still doing things, but he's avoiding her for several days, which given the context, makes it weird. And then when she finally had a chance to talk to him, to confront him about it, and he's, like, I just don't want to do this with you. And she asks if it's about the way she looks, which is the not-so-secret weakness of so many of the attractive self-doubting young women around here, and he doesn't say a thing. Which, besides being a class move in and of itself (please read in the extreme sarcasm on that last), is the cruelest thing you can say to someone who is already self-conscious and perhaps fragile about it.
Then there's a thing at a party, she makes out with him, her drunk, him sober, and he gives her the "just want to be friends" line, and then ignores her entirely the next day, and won't look at her when their paths cross later. OH, until apparently he comes over when my friend is on the telephone with a third party, and the first words he initiates to her in days are "Tell [third party] to bring her sister." Apparently with aplomb and utter calm, as if nothing was wrong.
So, my perspective, of course, is that the psychological connection unlocked things for her, which led to her own emotional upset. And he, the boy, as is typical of the age, wasn't up to the demands of behaving like a fucking adult or even offering the minimal basics of politeness. I'm thinking she just has to suffer through, and learn that, while it's not bad to feel strongly for someone, not everybody you'll feel strongly for is going to be worth it. Heartbeak is sometimes necessary, I'm afraid, and she'll be stronger for it if she can just carry on and get herself over him.
But as with all things, this kind of advice is easy to say, and harder to do. And I don't know what else to offer. So that's the thing about having the resources of the internet: multiple people to check against. Open source advice giving. Question is, does anyone have any contrasting perspective? Or did I essentially get it right (or close enough)?
