Lala's Lovely Ledger (Random Comments Welcome)

[Lala]

Welcome to my head! SO PINK



Anyhow, this will be a journal for random stuff I like, musings, rants, whatever. There will be a lot of cats though. Just sayin'.

But if you want to pop in and just say hi or just post something strange and weird and then bolt...have at it.

Status: right now, I'm in a pretty good place after having a VERY depressed/useless month. Finally felt up to writing again and found BMR and I'm so happy.

 

[Lala]

People say "cat lady" like it's a bad thing. Jokes on you, when the mothership returns to pick them up, I'll be regarded as a Catfriend and spared.

 

[Lala]

I did promise lots of cats.

Day off tomorrow so will be catching up to all my current stories! And feeling pretty good lately, so likely will actually do it. Woo!

 

[Lala]

Even this many years later...sometimes this song just pops into my head at the strangest moments. And it is so welcome.

I was watching parking lot gulls (a recognized species) fight over some McDonald's the other day (a known preferred food item for PL Gulls). This little pipsqueak gull snuck in behind two other big ones who were fighting over the precious and then just sprinted off with his bounty. I love gulls so much. Selfish, sneaky garbagebirds.

 

[Lala]

Reflection after about two weeks on BMR...

I like it. Really like it. I've tried a lot of forums and writing venues in the past. Some of them seemed very clique-driven and cold, but I got a very welcoming feeling from BMR right from the start. I was recently coming off a pretty bad downswing where I didn't feel like doing anything at all. I thought starting to write again after several years might help, and it has! I've already found so many great partners and have been able to do some really exciting writing that has me happily sitting down at the computer every night!

So thank you to everyone for being so wonderful. Especially thank you to my partners for being great people I can laugh and joke with and plan delightfully lewd things. <3

Also, obligatory cat meme.

 

[Lala]

My back decided to rebel this week. Frustrating, since I didn't do anything specifically to hurt it. I just looove lying perfectly still in one place, only to have sudden spasms/nerve twinges so painful I scare the cats with my screams (for reference, I have three haus panthers - not like a herd of twenty stampeding down the stairs). People who have had this know how painful those are. It's almost indescribable. I'm talking bring you to your knees, tears in your eyes kind of pain. I've gotten stuck on the floor for a good twenty minutes before after a spasm brought me down, texting my sisters that I need Life Alert (only half kidding). And then gritting my teeth and little by little making progress so I can actually stand, usually using whatever is nearby to grab onto.

And getting out of bed? Well, that takes a good ten minutes. First, have to work up the courage to flip onto my stomach if not already there. Nothing like waking up to a little jolt of agony. Usually grab the headboard or sheets to help drag me over to avoid activating the muscles in my back. Generally a cat-scaring shout in there. Then, once I'm on my stomach, slowly inch-worming down the side of the bed until feet touch the ground and can slurp myself off the bed.

It's so annoying. I likely have lumbar disc extrusions, though haven't done an MRI yet. I don't want to have back surgery, and this really only happens once a year or so...but it's awful when it does. I walk hunched over like I'm 90 and people give me weird looks.

Can't sit in place for too long currently, so online time is limited. I'm trying to reply to my stories, but may be delayed a bit since it is hard to write right now! I am off this weekend, so going to try to catch up then.

Fuck back pain.

 

[Revelations]

I do hope you feel better soon, Lala! back pain is no joke. I had some issues with my back some time ago, and it was painful to sit, let alone stand. It's probably one of the worst things to experience on a day to day basis.

 

[Lala]

Ugh thank you! It’s just hooooorrible. I just want a drink so bad but I’m taking so much NSAIDs and I don’t want to fry my liver completely...

But I have been eating my pain...just housed a Chipotle burrito bowl.

 

[Lala]

Welp, back is better...ish. I can walk upright and don't have to hold onto the walls! Also not in screaming pain every second, so that's a bonus. Bad news? My windshield got cracked driving around today. I hate hate hate car stuff so much and instead of couch potato-ing on my day off tomorrow, I have to take it in to the car hospital. :/

Silver lining? There's a killer sushi place near the glass repair company and I plan on thoroughly eating my feelings through possibly two spicy tuna rolls.

 

[Lala]

So I'm kind of a perfume collector and usually treat myself to a new scent once a month or every other month. I'm so excited...just ordered Alien Fusion by Thierry Mugler! I was never an original Alien girl and none of the (dozens) of flankers ever really did it for me, but damn...Fusion just blew me away. It's so cinnamon and spicy and amber and creamy floral vanilla yum! Reminds me a liiiittle bit of Gaultier's Classique Essence, but has that Alien DNA grounding it. And the bottle is a to-die-for red version of the classic Alien silhouette. Coming on Wednesday and I can't waaaaait!

My last buy before this was Mon Guerlain by Guerlain, and I'm still loving that one for summer...but I think this one will be perfect going into the cooler autumn weather.

 

[Lala]

I was thinking a lot today about how good we are at beating ourselves up. On this site, I constantly see people over-critiquing their writing, saying they're not good enough, comparing themselves to others. I do the same thing. Nothing I ever write is good enough, and I cower every time I hit the button to post a reply. Is it as bad as I think? Is my partner going to bail on me?

I think a lot of it has to do with the burden creative people often carry. We're all reaching for that ever-changing ideal, wanting to be more, more, more.

I have always been hypercritical of everything I've done, even from a young age. No matter how much I achieve in life, I always think I'm failing. I wonder what it must be like not to feel that way. Does anyone? I think we all see people that seem to absolutely have their shit together, but I suspect no one is truly as confident as they seem.

This is also complicated by the fact that I deal with depression on a frequent basis, like many here. It's the worst. I hate it when you can feel it coming... my cycles can be anywhere from 3-6 months and I see that dark creeping up on me. The exhaustion. Fatigue just taking out the trash. Forcing myself to go grocery shopping so I'll have something healthy to eat instead of garbage that will make me feel worse. Lying in bed after the alarm goes off until I summon the strength to get up. Mail piling up...and up and up.

Right before I found BMR, I was just coming out of a really bad spell. And I have to say, this place is a wonderful gift. The people are amazing, and I've been really happy to write again. I can only hope it helps carry me through my next bad spot. But until then, I want everyone to know that you are good enough, you are smart enough...and doggone it - people like you!

 

[Lala]

Today is a great day. I've paid off 75% of my school loans.

Making big changes and taking leaps of faith are very uncomfortable for me. About three years ago, I took a huge chance on a new job I wasn't sure would work out. Fast forward, and I've whittled my loans down more in the last few years than I had in the 8 before that. I looked at the numbers, did the math, and decided to bite the bullet. I'm paying an obscene amount on them every month now, but at this rate, I will be finished in ten months. Instead of the 18 more years I had on them. It saves me nearly $20,000 in interest over the life of the loan.

Of course, this means I've had to be really frugal. No new clothes (except for work). No vacations. No super fancy extra stuff. Pretty basic car. I allow myself my perfume purchase every 1-2 months as a special thing to make me happy, but that's about it. Other than that, literally everything is going to loans, food, and bills. Okay, and cat toys.

But by next June (I plan on making the final payment on my birthday!), I'll be free. Ten months, and this huge burden will be gone.

I've put so much on hold because I've always felt like I needed to tackle this first. I really want to write. That's what I've always wanted, but life, work, and loans always got in the way. Once these are gone, I want to try to finally chase after my dreams of writing without this huge anvil hanging over my head.

My game plan is to try to stay in this job for the next 2-3 years to build up my savings once the loans are done. Then I want to buy a cozy little farmhouse somewhere in the middle of nowhere where I can have some chickens and goats and perfect, peaceful solitude. And also cats.



Here's a blissful kitten (who has probably paid off loans)

 

[Aiolos]

Such a cute kitty cat!
Have a doggie to remind you, everything you do is beautiful and that you will be okay soon enough!
​

 

[Lala]

I'm really having a tough time in RL right now and have not been able to keep up here. I don't know when I'll be back up and running. I think I've privately messaged all my active partners to update, but in case I have missed any...this is why I haven't been around.

For right now, I can't do stories on here and keep up with them. I may do some short or one-off RPs on Discord but that probably won't be totally reliable either. I feel flaky, but what can you do? Gotta get my shit together!

 

[Revelations]

It's good to see around Lala, I do hope things improve for you soon though!

 

[Lala]

Sometimes I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Right now I definitely feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I'm working even more right now than I was before all the pandemic bs began, since I'm an essential worker. Things are slowly starting to get back to normal since my state is getting ready to open up, but I'm still pulling tons of hours. Luckily, I'm a total introvert so honestly my routines didn't change much!

Good news is that I think I already had COVID, and just got mildly ill.

I hope everyone is doing well, is staying healthy mentally and physically, and finding lots of time to write great stories!

I've started tiptoeing back into writing again on here and have some fun stories going. Now I'm going to have some wine, light some candles, and listen to some experimental neopagan folk music. Anyone else love the hell out of Heilung?? Their music is just so raw, along with the entire stage presence, and it really just takes you to another time. Hmm...I think I might need to add a Viking story to my list...

 

[Evo Var]

I stumbled onto Heilung when I was looking for the soundtrack to Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice. Their music is really interesting and when I write Viking or I want something more primal to listen to they are normally something that I look for. That being said I have not listened to them for quite sometime.

 

[sajinsin]

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