Dichotomy's delicious delirium

[dichotomy]

Welcome to my ramblings! All comments and discussion is welcome. Please feel free to chime in!
Take a seat, make yourself comfortable... once you entered I'll make sure you'll stay.

My first ramblings is about "definitions"

I LOVE that Bluemoon offers so much diversity. We have Males, Females and Non Binaries. Important point for me. I am familiar with most definitions for gender and preferences, and I for one like "Non-binary" so much better than the other definitions around. "Inter" "Genderfluent" and so on and so on. The simple "Non Binary" covers SO much! Inters, Trans, Genderfluent.... without putting so much pressure on your choice. Among these there's dominants, submissives, switches.... and the list goes on.

How do YOU define yourself? Who are you? What are you?

I am a polyamorous, bisexual cis female. at least thats what i firmly believe. But am I?

Polyamorous - I am married to my wife. My wife and I have a mutual boyfriend. I have been with him for 14 years now, she has been with him and me for 5 years now. We live together under the same roof. We have a child togethre as a triade. My son has his father's and mothers name in his birth certificate but he has MY last name. Because he is the child of all three of us. We have sex with each other. Her and me, her and him, me and him. Ok. Polyamorous fits Id say.

Bisexual - I like men. I like women. I fuck both. I have no preference whatsoever towards a gender. Maybe I should call it pansexual, because I dont mind trans or inter people as partners either but... since a trans-woman is merely a woman to me... i don't think i qualify as pan. I am comfortable with the label "bi".

And now the "hard" part happens. While I have no problem at all with my natural gender (I am woman. I never doubted that) but... somehow my rt self doesn't fit the definition of "woman" at all.

So... I think i have to classify as a "feminist". At the same time I am sexist at hell (I am the first to yell "Tits" when i see a cleavage I like!). I don't understand women playiong helpless because of their gender at all. I don't get it. I am fortunate enough to be of an average height (5'8'') and a better than average fitness. I lift around 240 lbs with relative ease. I have a driver's license for the big trucks and I enjoy driving them. MOST things men can do, I can do better or at least equally well. Don't think of some kind of "Hulk Girl" now. I am chubby. I have a D Cup. I am a girl. No fitness ambitions. No bodybuilding ambitions. Athletics are something I leave to others. But i still do better with physical effort than most guys around me. While my brother outdoes me at bench pressing, I still am SO much more efficient at loading a truck, driving a truck (he doesn't have a driver's license for trucks) and carrying stuff around that it is almost ridiculous. Now... of course I have the experience. For 16 years of my life i unloaded trucks and built selling boothes for festival. 4.5 tons of cargo to unload and built up every friday. 4.5 tons (ok, if we were REALLY successful at selling 4 tons) of cargo to tear down and load every sunday. The average move is like a trip to kindergarden for me actually.

I smoke. I curse. I know how to use tools. I often had to laugh at our male 16-21 year old interns that tried to grab the cordless screw driver (heck.. is that a word? In germany we call it akkuschrauber!) from me because "You are a woman, I can do this!". Come on boy. I built up thousands of exhibition stands... I KNOW the difference between a slit and a torx bit, and YOU my dear 17 year old have no freaking clue how to use the tool. I drive big trucks ( I have the biggest license available in europe). I love single-malt scotch whisky. I appreciate bourbon. When I win something, I smoke not only cigarettes but also cigars. I carry condoms in my wallet, just in case I am overwhelmed by a sexual offer I just do not want to resist! I watch porn. My search for porn vids usually ends at titles like "petite slut punsihed with brutal gangbang in public" and I get off of these videos.

In our family I am the primary bread winner. I have the well-paid manager job. My wife is a stay at home mum, our son's dad is a travelling performer. In germany the words for "mum" and "dad" are "mama" and "papa". I classify myself as a "mapa". Because I am female.... but neither did i give birth to our son, nor am i a real "mom". Im the "dad" part in this relationship. I only am home in the mornings, evenings and weekends. And while I do EVERYTHING for my son... i AM the classical dad. Despite being a woman. My wife and our boyfriend (aka Dad) do a lot of the traveling performances togther. I hate makeup. I hate buying clothing. My wife has been married to a guy before she married me... and she assures me there's no difference at all between her "husbands".

My wife... SHE wears makeup and wears dresses. She breastfeeds the child. She is woman through and through!

So... AM I a cis-woman? I don't know. I never doubted I am female ( one of the things i RARELY worry about). I have tits, cunt and ass. I love being fucked. I count myself "submissive"- I LOVE being physically overwhelmed. I love being a woman.

And while my everyday life obvisouly isn't female at all I do not have any doubt about my gender. Female. Through and through. Even though I do not wear make up. Even though I hate heels. Even though I only shave every 6 months (I am BLONDE! You dont see any hair anyways!)... I am female.

*grins* And now you see the problem with definitions, huh? While I totally, utterly identify as "Female"... my entire surroundings tell me I am male! The next journal entry will specifiy my struggle with the definition "submissive" I think.

 

[dichotomy]

I announced that I'd ramble about my problems with the term "submissive" - and here it comes:

I do identify as "submissive". Kind of. But in contrast to my gender, I have real troubles this one. Take a seat, grab a cuppa - it's gonna be a long winded one. I have to go back to the beginnings to explain why the struggle is so real for me!

I had my first boyfriend when I was 17. I lost my virginity with him when I was 17.5. And we - no, that's a lie - I broke up with him one month before I turned 18. Because he was soooooo cute. So nice. He ALWAYS did everything that I wanted, and it was driving me crazy. Around the same time I started to dabble with gorean online roleplaying. I don't know if you ever were there - it's not so much "roleplay" as a "way of life". These hardcore goreans of the early 2000s LIVED that shit. They believed in the "natural order" and that women naturally were submissive to Men and so on and so on. When you had a Master online - he controlled your offline life to an extent as well. And I happened to totally LOVE that back then.

And so i started to research the whole affair. And found the wonderful world of BDSM. And I was like SUPER into it. I looked for the extremes. I identified as a "Slave" and looked down upon "Submissives" - whom I deemed "wannabes" back then. They were just brats. They just took the icing off the cake and didn't really "live it". As some of you might already know from Goodman's thread about bondage I learned the hard way how freaking naive and stupid I was. I got head over heels into a relationship with a "Master". And he was an abusive ass. The beginning however was great. He introduced me to all kinds of sexual games that I had not tasted before, and that was addicting. I had my first threesome with him, I had my first bondage with him, I had my first deepthroat with him.... my sweet, sweet first boyfriend and I only had sex missionary style. Underneath a blanket. With the lights out. This "Master" introduced me to the world of breathtaking, kinky sex and I LOVED it. I was however so adamant about "living it", about BEING a slave that I forgot that words like "no" exist. Of course, all BDSM literature tells you about safe- and stopwords and SSC and so on... but I was better than that. I didn't need safewords. I didn't need stopwords. A TRUE slave doesn't tell her Master "no", ever. We all know what happened then. It took me two years to get out of it. It took several beatings that left me bruised and bleeding. I still have one or two scars from that time on my skin. The scars on my soul... well those are a different story.

I came out of the relation with practically NO self-worth at all. No pride. No dignity. I WAS that filthy whore who got off of pain. Of being bound. Of being shared with other Masters. A friend of mine - who had been through a breakup himself - and I basically "licked our wounds". He identified as Dominant, and he really liked the idea of a M/s relationship. Half a year later (I was 21 now) we ended up in bed with each other. We thought we'd have a little affair to get over our exes.... yeah. He is the father of our son! Affair - my ass! It's been 14 years now. With him I slowly rebuilt things like self-esteem, confidence, self-worth.... and we VERY, very soon discovered that he wasn't a Master, and I wasn't a slave. Our relationship grew into something wonderful and healthy... on each other's eye level. Something I had SWORN i wasn't into. But hey. The process took about 10 years until I could accept that I wasn't the "BDSM Handbook Slave" I had longed to be.

Now - on the outside - most people don't have the slightest clue that I play the submissive role in the bedroom. I come off as very self-confident, very much resting in myself. I have a strong personality. I am relatively eloquent. I voice my opinions in an educated manner and call people out for bullshit. Nowadays I find it hard to "submit" to anybody. Ive had my share of affairs during our relationship (yes, it was always open, that it turned polyamorous was a mistake, but the best mistake that ever happened to me!), Ive had my share of experimenting with "Doms" and "BDSM" and even "Switching".
The problem?
1) I am a feminist. Somebody telling me i am inferior because i am female - yeah. My pussy just kind of seals itself at this notion.

2) I am not "inferior" to you, Son. I happen to like my hair pulled, being bitten, being spanked, being fucked hard. That doesn't make me "inferior" in my intellect or my physical attributes.

3)I still have a self-worth problem. I don't think I am good-looking or have sexappeal. And those things show and are a turn off for people you try to hit on. Really! It surprises the shit out of me when somebody voices physical interest in me, and that kind of turns the people that had this physical interest off.

4)I am into being physically overwhelmed. You rarely find somebody either wanting to do that or being able to do it. I mentioned it above.... While I don't look it, I am physically fit. Sure, put 250 lbs of determined Man on me and I WILL be helpless but... yeah. See above. The guys I COULD experience this with don't wanna, and the guys that do want to CANNOT. Hurray! So this part of my being "submissive" (which I think is more the masochist and the "bottom" part of me) doesn't get satisfied. Which is ok. I live those kinks in my rps and I am happy and content with that.

5)If I am to act submissive around somebody... I need a reason to. Don't get me wrong. I am the kind of girl plucking fresh flowers for her wife on a walk, I go shopping, I try to take as much household chores as I can - because I have this really STRONG desire to please the people I love. If that's my mum, my wife, my boyfriend.... I want them to feel utmost comfortable, loved and cared for. This desire isn't only reserved for people I love. I will go out of my way for my boss, for customers, for teachers, for professors at university.... you get the drift huh? I do not resist people of authority ever, I do whatever I can to please them also. Now with this naturally STRONG desire to please, you'd think it's kind of easy to give me a reason to submit, huh? Nope. It just RARELY works. Because people expect you to just submit because they classify as "Dom". And that just... makes me laugh.
"I am Master andy! Kneel slut!" - "Yeah and just why would I do so, at the train station, in public?" - "Because I say so!" - "Yeah but I don't give a rat's ass if you say so or not." - "Oh... erm... you aren't a REAL slave, you don't deserve my attention!" - "Thanks for talking, have a good journey back to where you came from!"

So... while I do love most of those lovely, yummy, kinky acts and fetishes that you'd associate with a "submissive" person - my desire to actually perform any of those actions is SO dependent on the other side of the deal. Gimme at least a BIT of intelligence. A spark of agency beyond: "Kneel slut!". Make me WANT to serve you. Just a little bit.

Thanks god I am past my thirties now and don't care if a random person thinks I am a bad slave or a bad submissive Thanks god i don't really care for the labels that much any longer either. I just have no clue how to explain what I like and don't like in - for example - an RT thread. Which is why I do resort to the term "submissive" allthough there are times the term just makes my skin crawl.

I have no clue what I am or how you classify it. I love pain, i love being helpless, I love being "forced". I love not having control - allthough it's usually me having the control. I am really good at leading others. And people normally follow my lead pretty easy. They feel comfortable with me in control, and I feel comfortable with the trust and the responsibility. At work I don't do jobs under "Teamleader". I NEED this responsibility like I need to breathe air to be complete. But for my sex, my fantasies and my desires? I love to not be in control there. I love triggering a partner to the point of sweeping me off my feet, throwing me on a suitable surface and have their way with me. At the same time, somebody expecting me to... well.. simply give up my personality (or my character's personality) and do things "because they said so"... it just doesnt work. "Let's rob this bank!" - "Yeah I don't think that's smart, there's cameras, and they only got 10.000 Euros cash there. Bit risky for that little, huh?" - "BUT I SAY SO! OBEY....." Nope. Sorry. That doesn't work! At all.

HA! I think it's not as long winded as I feared it would be. For everybody just having skipped to the end:

Conclusion: I don't know what I am in terms of BDSMness, and I don't care so much. Anybody who read this knows how Im wired now. That's gotta be enough!

 

[CindyHarrison]

I'm glad to meet another woman that had dabbled in the BDSM field. If you read my profile as well as my journal here, you'd know that I'm a lesbian (a 'Gold Star' lesbian, meaning I have never had a man inside me). I'm married to the fabulous Miss Tina, who also happens to be my owner and Mistress.
I always considered myself a 'girly-girl', meaning I was never the tom boy type, probably cause when I was little, my mother would always dress me up in little frilly feminine dresses to help her serve people during her May Kay and Avon parties. I'm sure that was when I first developed a liking to serve and please people.

I think I was always a natural submissive, a character trait that potential Dommes found to their liking when I became a regular at a lesbian BDSM club called 'Pink Chains'.
I heard of both male and female subs that were constantly abused by their Doms. Submission is a gift, the ultimate gift that a sub can give to their owner and in my opinion, their gifts were taken advantage of and they were treated worse than I would treat a rabid dog.
Miss Tina has rules of the house that I must follow---always naked while indoors, buttplug in place 24/7, a ballgag must always be within a 30 second reach and I must greet her at the door on my knees with head down. She is extremely dominant but also a wonderful wife and lover and constantly spoils me.
It angers me to hear of subs being so grossly mistreated under the heading of 'discipine and training'....