1) Host moved to new IPMI platform, didn't move my servers with it because they're ancient (plans for new servers once Cooper Lake launches).
2) 4th of July week has begun in the US, brilliant time for me to reboot >_>
3) My DNS provider also went on the fritz, so there was no way to update people on the domains proper.
4) Going two years without a reboot led to a lot of failures accumulating, the system failed to even shut down.
The owner of the company I host with woke up and got me hooked up to IPMI, I force-booted the server and now we're like new again.
Sorry about that, everyone. I have a Twitter at https://twitter.com/Vekseid for updates, for future reference. Thank you for your patience.